I'm being hit full-force in the face today with the knowledge of the fact that my time being at home with the girls is very quickly coming to a grinding halt. A very big part of me is kicking and screaming at that thought. There's a lot of sadness there, and a lot of guilt. I'd had a very strong vision of what my life, and what my girls' life was going to look like...and all of that is changing.
The truth is that the vision I had for myself isn't one that I really wanted anyhow. I mean, I wanted to WANT to be "the good housewife" and fulfill myself with baking cookies and folding laundry and giving all of myself to my family. Deep down I always felt like a fraud. Of course, I had times of utter contentment with that life, it's not like I was completely miserable the whole time...but I always had this overwhelming sense of "what's next?" "is this all there is?"
I've gotta be honest here, people, I'm pretty worried about my girls. I know that lots of kids grow up with child care and with public school and turn out fine...and I'm sure that Em and Mo will be no different. They just feel so young to be turned out into the world to fend for themselves....more or less.
I feel sad that I won't get to be there with them all day every day to see them grow and help them become the people they are meant to be.
I feel guilty because I'm not capable being the mother that they deserve.
I feel guilty because I put my own wants ahead of that of my girls. There's a little voice in there telling me that I should have kept sacrificing for them. That because I wasn't capable of doing that, then I am a bad mother.
I feel like a really bad mother today. I feel selfish and weak. And sad. :(
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1 comment:
Everything will be fine! You're just feeling some resistance because yes, things are going to change. That's what life is about. You've done the stay-at-home Mom thing for 6 years...That's a long time and a great and important time to have the opportunity to be with them..How fortunate you all have been. Look at all the people who have not had that option!
Different does not mean things will be worse. I'm sure the girls have much to gain by these new experiences as well. Hey, you're a terrific Mum but you'll be a much better Mum if you take care of yourself.
...Remember you are the star in your own life...all of us are. It's not conceit.It's just the way it is.
Keeping working on it you'll get there.
Oh, and I think you should ditch that guilt thing. There's enough people in the world feeling guilty about things without you adding to it. And as smart as you are, down deep you know all this..
Just saying...
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