Mom thoughts

I am working very hard to enjoy living in the moment these days. With the future still so unsettled for me, I guess the only thing that I CAN do is enjoy what I have in the here and now.

Yesterday was a great day with the girls. We played with Em's "Magic Science Wizard Kit" and learned all about acids and bases and made some fun "magic potions". We baked cookies and we played Playmobil and tidied the girls' room together. It was a fulfilling day, emotionally, and I was able to appreciate it all the more, reminding myself that days like that will soon be gone.

I love my girls so much....and for so long I tried very hard to be completely fulfilled by my role as wife and mother. Coming to accept the fact that I'm simply not has been hard for me. I've been so fixated on the idea that there is only one way to be a "good" mother...that anything less than that has meant that I was a failure. I've been telling myself that I'm a failure because I need more than stay-at-home motherhood. That I'm a failure because I'm choosing a path that's going to mean that my kids are going to end up in public school. That I'm a failure because I didn't shove all of my hopes for myself aside for my children.

Yeah, yeah, yeah....I know that it's bullshit. Hell, I look at my own mother - who had NO life outside of her family - hell, hardly does now. She "sacrificed" her whole life for her kids...and now it's like she feels like we "owe" her something. Is it really any wonder that her kids don't really want that much to do with her? I mean, seriously...is that the kind of relationship I want with my girls? Of course it's not.

And so, for me, the alternative is that I can't make my family my entire life. Maybe that means that my children aren't going to have the "ideal" upbringing...but hell, having a mom at home with them every day who isn't happy and fulfilled certainly isn't ideal, either.

I need to take some time to seriously re-evaluate the kind of mother I want to be, and the kind of mother that I can be. There's gotta be space in there for "me"...even if though it means that my girls get less quantity time with me...the quality is gonna be a whole lot better...

Reality Stinks

I'm being hit full-force in the face today with the knowledge of the fact that my time being at home with the girls is very quickly coming to a grinding halt. A very big part of me is kicking and screaming at that thought. There's a lot of sadness there, and a lot of guilt. I'd had a very strong vision of what my life, and what my girls' life was going to look like...and all of that is changing.

The truth is that the vision I had for myself isn't one that I really wanted anyhow. I mean, I wanted to WANT to be "the good housewife" and fulfill myself with baking cookies and folding laundry and giving all of myself to my family. Deep down I always felt like a fraud. Of course, I had times of utter contentment with that life, it's not like I was completely miserable the whole time...but I always had this overwhelming sense of "what's next?" "is this all there is?"

I've gotta be honest here, people, I'm pretty worried about my girls. I know that lots of kids grow up with child care and with public school and turn out fine...and I'm sure that Em and Mo will be no different. They just feel so young to be turned out into the world to fend for themselves....more or less.

I feel sad that I won't get to be there with them all day every day to see them grow and help them become the people they are meant to be.

I feel guilty because I'm not capable being the mother that they deserve.

I feel guilty because I put my own wants ahead of that of my girls. There's a little voice in there telling me that I should have kept sacrificing for them. That because I wasn't capable of doing that, then I am a bad mother.

I feel like a really bad mother today. I feel selfish and weak. And sad. :(

At My Wit's End.....

I'm at a point with the mess in this house that I'm about ready to lose it.

My main issue is - you guessed it - toys around the house. The girls can positively trash the entire downstairs in less than an hour flat...and then when it comes time to help clean it up...guess what? They whine, bellyache, and goof around until I'm ready to tear out my hair.

I've reached a point where I'm not even sure what to do anymore. Several months ago, most of their toys got moved upstairs to live in the playroom and their bedroom (both of which are ALWAYS messy, but that's another battle for another day). With relatively few things downstairs, one would assume that the messes would be minor - HAH! The Playmobil stuff, wooden blocks, play food and dishes, Thomas the Train stuff, felt people, Lego blocks, books, Polly Pockets, wooden castle playset and art supplies all live in the downstairs area of our house. And of course....they get dragged all over the place.

At 3 1/2 and 5 1/2, I firmly believe that the girls can and should be helping to clean up the messes they make.

The problem comes with actually getting them to do it. I've tried making it fun, by playing music and cleaning with them. I've tried making it a game, by setting the timer and seeing if we can get it cleaned up before the timer goes off. I've tried punishments and removal of priviledges. All of these things work for a while, but eventually it reaches a point where it's too much effort and headache to actually get them to help.

I'm ready to tear out my hair here, people. I'm at the end of my rope and looking for suggestions..................................................

.....anyone have any brilliant ideas?

The Best Way to Wake Up....

I can think of few better ways to wake up in the morning with snuggles from Mo. She usually wanders into my bed in the middle of the night most nights, which I don't really object to. We never officially "co-slept" with either one of the girls, but always had an "open-bed" policy for whenever they needed it.

So...yeah. It's been a rare night in the last 5 1/2 years that I haven't had one or both kids in my bed.

This morning when Mo woke up she was snugglier than usual. She woke up early....about 6:30, and after my late night last night (despite my best efforts to get to bed early), I woke up feeling pretty groggy.

We laid in bed snuggling and talking a bit in our made-up "gibberish" language. Then, out of nowhere, I got the world's biggest hug, and Mo said sweetly, "You're the best mommy in the whole world."

Wow.

Thanks for making my day, kid. I love you, too.

The Kid's Got a Point.....

This morning as the girls were getting ready to go to the pool with their Dad, Mo came to me, carrying a pair of underpants.

"Mama, I don't want these ones any more. We can get rid of them."

"Really, honey? Why not? Those undies are fine."

"It have Winnie the Pooh on them and I don't like Winnie the Pooh."

I was a bit suprised - this was certainly news to me.

"Really, honey, why not?"

"Wellllll.....him kinda weird."

"Weird?"

"Yeah....him always walking around with a shirt but no pants."


And hey - who am I to argue with THAT, really? If that's not a reason not to feel particularly comfortable around someone, well, I don't know what is.....

Things you *never* thought you'd say as a parent....

I know that we've all experienced it as a parent, you've just said something to your kid, that, taken out of context would sound completely and utterly bizarre, but within the context of parenting, makes *perfect* sense.

Such a thing happened today during lunch when my girlfriend said to her 4 year old daughter:

"Honey, if the almond has been in your bum, then you have to put it in the garbage."

Um.....yeah. Sound advice, really, even taken OUT of the parenting context.....

What.A.Kid.

So before I begin this tale, I'll start with a little background about our family, for those of you who aren't familiar.

We are mostly vegetarian. We tried going "all the way" a while back, but couldn't take it, so now we choose to eat meat on occasion, but always make sure that it's free range or organic when we do. Same with dairy products and eggs.

(Here's where I admit that I do occasionally go in for a hunk of "dirty meat", but I'm definitely strict about it with the kids).

Usually when we are out places, or eating at someone's home, we end up eating vegetarian, rather than eating "dirty meat"...again, particularly when it comes to the kids.

So today was Miss E's Princess Party extravaganza. On the way home, she was filling me in on all the details.

"So what did you have for lunch?" I asked.

"Chicken Nuggets." She informed me.

"Okay." (Hell, as I said, I've been known to indulge in a little dirty meat myself; I wasn't about to come down on HER for it).

"But I told them that I was vegetarian and so I wouldn't be eating those."

I kept my smirk to myself.

"So what did you have instead?"

"I ate some vegetables and they made me a grilled cheese sandwich."

"That sounds good."

"I didn't eat very much of the sandwich, though. I saw that they made it with yellow cheese, and we don't eat yellow cheese, so I told them that."

"Okay then."

After we got home, Daddy and I each spent some time talking to her about how it was really great that she was able to speak up for herself, and stick to what she believed in. I know lots of adults (myself included) who might've just "sucked it up" in order to not create a problem.

Suddenly, I've got no worries at all about that kid going to public school next year. I have a feeling that she'll be able to handle herself quite nicely.

That's my girl.

Today....

Today was a pretty good day, all things considered. We were supposed to have a playdate with some other homeschoolers, but that fell through when Miss E woke up this morning, feeling crummy (after we 3 girls had a bit of a sleep in). She came to me and very nicely informed me that she wasn't feeling well from her cold, and thought that it would be best if we stayed at home and had a quiet day, instead of going to our playdate. She said she felt like she needed to just stay in her pjs all day and not do much of anything.

And really, who am I to argue with that?

So it was a quiet day indeed. I got to chat on msn with H. The girls and I hung out and read some books. We enjoyed some dancing and a bit of "tickle time". The girls had a little extra videos. E had a nice long hot bath. I got some cleaning done, sent off my resume for another job, and even managed a little yoga for good measure, and a bit of snuggle time on the couch with the little sickie. I know that lazy days like these are numbered, and soon life is going to be changing dramatically for all 3 of us....so it's good that we were able to enjoy it.

A lot of today was spent simply enjoying the moment as I was in it...and it was good to be able to do that, since so much of my life these days is spent worrying about the future. The thing about the future is that it's coming...and there's nothing I can do about that, besides truly live each day as it arrives.

And after today, I'm feeling a lot more equipped to be able to do that. So tonight, I'm smiling. I've been doing a lot of that today.

One of Those Days....

What's worse than a rainy Sunday afternoon?

Possibly nothing.

I'm having one of those days that I'm not particularly proud of as a parent. In essence, I am sitting here waiting for the day to be over...I don't feel like doing much of anything.

I had a game of checkers with Em, the girls had a video, I read them some stories...and now they're crawling around on the floor pretending to be puppies and generally driving me nuts.

Why isn't the little girl next door home today? If I ever needed that kid to take some of the pressure off me, today is the day.

I know that other parents have days like this one, too, but whenever it happens to me, I always feel overcome with massive feelings of guilt. I should be supermom! I should have a million and one "rainy day" activities planned for the girls! I should be keeping them (and me!) so busy that the day just literally flies by, and then at the end of it, I can tuck them into their beds and they'll drift off into a peaceful, self-satisfied slumber.

The reality is that I'm going to try and avoid them for as long as I can, they'll probably bicker 78 times, and then not want to go to bed when the time comes.

So much for that "Mother of the Year" award.

Wonderful Moment....

Last night I had one of those moments as a mom that made all the difficult days, spilled tears, worry and weakened patience worth it.

I was putting Miss E to bed. The routine goes that she hangs out in my room, reading books and playing quietly until Mo is asleep and then she goes into her own bed (they share a room). I laid in my bed with E, reading a book. When the book was finished, we snuggled down under the blankets and just started chatting and laughing away.

That kid reminds me so much of myself sometimes - the pure, fun-loving and unself-conscious part of me, that I don't let out to play often enough. The part of me that went into hiding for a very long time.

At one point, she and I laughed uncontrollably in each other's faces. I looked at her and it was like looking into a mirror...I knew that the pure joy on her face echoed mine in that moment. I told her the story about me wetting my pants laughing when I was 16 and we laughed even harder. It was a beautiful moment.

Then the laughter died down and she said, "I'm going to school next year." (Her dad and I had mentioned this fact to her already).

"Yes." I told her. E is extremely emotionally intelligent and VERY articulate. It's a good combination, but sometimes I never know what's going to come out of that kid's mouth. She's good at surprising me.

"I'm a little nervous about that, Mommy."

Because E is so emotionally in tune with herself, I find myself telling her things that I might not say to the average 5 year old.

"Well, honey, I understand that you're feeling nervous, and that's okay. But I want to tell you something special about you. Not everyone has this ability, but you're the kind of person who will be okay no matter what happens to you in life. You will do well at school, try not to worry."

She looked at me with twinkling eyes and gave me a huge hug. "You're a good mommy."

On my way downstairs I thought about my words and what I'd said to her...this little person who is, in so many ways, so much like me. She WILL be okay, no matter where life takes her. She'll be more than okay, in fact - she will flourish. Because she's just that kind of person, as long as she doesn't lose faith in herself...and I'll go to great lengths to make sure that doesn't happen.

And you know what? If she will be okay...then that means that I will be, too. I just have to have faith in myself as well. And I guess, if I can't do it for myself...then maybe I can do it to give my daughter an example of what it's like to live a life of courage and belief in oneself. It's not easy...but I think I can do it for her.

Loneliness

I crawled into my bed last night feeling a bit lonely. I read a book for a little while and turned out the light generally feeling a bit uncomfortable with being all alone in my bed.

It hasn't been a long time, but already I'm finding myself missing the warmth of another person in bed beside me. Just that exchange of positive energy that happens when you're snuggled close to a big hairy man in bed. I'm not saying that I regret my decision about my marriage; but there are still some things I miss.

Generally I feel good about my newfound independence. I am learning that I am strong and capable on my own. I don't need someone else to hold me up. I can make good decisions on my own, and feel good about the whole process. Independence is treating me well.

The things I miss right now about being in a relationship is the physical contact. I am a very "touchy-feely" kind of person. I love hugs and kisses and snuggles. They don't even have to be of an intimate nature, just as long as it's another warm human being.

I was curled up in bed last night feeling a little sorry for myself when I heard the girls' bedroom door open. A minute later, M crawled up into my bed beside me.

"Thirsty." She's a girl of few words at 1:00 a.m.

I passed her a drink, and after she'd guzzled it, she snuggled up close beside me, tangling her arms and legs around me, getting as close as she could.

Her sweet little voice cut through the darkness. "I love you, Mama."

Guess she was a little lonely in her bed, too. Or maybe she sensed that I was.

I wrapped my arms around her and snuggled close. She might not be big and hairy and all those things that I like about men, but she was oozing positive loving energy. I drank it up with every molecule in my body.

As I go through this whole process I still sometimes wonder if I'm going to be okay. It was moments like last night that assured me that I most definitely will.

I love you too, Mo.

At the end of the night....

At the end of the night I arrived to pick up E and was told by one of the Brownie leaders that she and the other homeschooled Spark spent most of the evening together. What's particularly interesting about this is that they'd never met before that night, and after asking E, found out that the subject of homeschooling didn't come up between the girls. heh. Apparently they'd "sniffed out their own kind" and chose to stick together.

On the walk home I asked E all about the party. She was full of complaints about it. Her main beef was the fact that the girls were all being "ruled around", when she felt that the party would have been better if they'd been able to "do their own thing". She's unaccustomed to the "herding" and "crowd control" necessary when it comes to handling large groups of children...and she doesn't like it.

One thing I can say for the homeschooling experience, it's teaching my kids how to think for themselves. No "sheep mentality" for them. Might make for a few rocky times during the younger years, but ultimately I think that's a positive trait.

All in all I feel "okay" about how things ended up last night. Sure, she's a "velcro kid". And actually, as a public schooled kid, I was the same way. I guess the key is to help her overcome her limitations and nourish her strengths. Not everyone's meant to flourish in a church hall full of screaming little girls.

The Homeschooled Kid in the Corner

My oldest has been going to Sparks now for the last few weeks, since the "school year" began (for those of you unfamiliar, Sparks is the precursor to Brownies). I wanted to put her into a program where she was with other children her own age, since she doesn't get that a lot as a homeschooler. She does get to see other kids a lot, many of them either much older or much younger, and generally in very familiar surroundings.

E is very social, but she's one of those kids who is drawn to adults. She would much rather sit and have a conversation with myself and my girlfriend over tea than go off and play with the other kids. She is extremely socially and verbally gifted when it comes to interacting with adults.

Tonight, when I dropped her off at her Halloween Sparks and Brownies party, I realized that while my daughter is socially gifted when it comes to adults, she's lacking a certain flair when it comes to large groups of children. Granted, we were greeted by pure pandemonium - girls in costumes running around everywhere. She stuck to my side like velcro, actually physically hanging onto my jacket. I looked down at her, this person who is so vibrant, intense, and "larger than life", and suddenly she seemed very small. She was shrinking down inside of herself.

I felt horrible. I pointed out the girls from her Sparks group that she knew. Another girl, a stranger, came over and asked her to play, but E refused. It wasn't until a (much older) neighbour girl approached us, that E seemed to warm up a bit. I took that as an opportunity to rip off the velcro fasteners, say a hurried goodbye, and beat it out of there like the church hall was on fire.

On the walk home, I felt pretty bad about the whole thing. I realized that my daughter looked like the "socially awkward homeschooler" in a group of "well-socialized" kids. It's a pity, especially since I know that she is much more verbal and social than the average 5 year old, despite how things appeared tonight.

I used to think that E would be fine with no matter where she ended up in life...and now I'm not so sure. I guess part of my questioning is coming from the fact that, because of my marriage ending, I don't know if homeschooling will continue past this year. In fact, the way things look right now, I can't imagine that it possibly can continue, much as I would like it to.

Suddenly I feel like I've done my children a huge disservice. The fact that my daughter stood in a room full of children and didn't know where to go or what to do, is decidedly my fault. Already I'm panicked about what will happen if she's thrust into public school next year. Sure, academically she'll be fine - but socially, she'll be eaten alive. I feel sick just thinking about it.

And so, my daughter is "that awkward homeschooled kid" after all.

Battleground

I hate mealtimes being a battle. Hate it.

Unfortunately, Molly is going through a phase where all she wants to eat are "peanutbutterandhoneysandwiches". When asked (and even when not asked) that is her response.

Moments ago, she came to me: "Mommy, I don't want what you made for dinner."

Pause.

"I want a peanutbutterandhoneysandwich."

"Molly, do you know what I'm making for dinner?"

"No."

No. She doesn't even know what I'm cooking, only that whatever it is, she doesn't want it. All I can say is, I guess I must make the best peanutbutterandhoneysandwiches in the world. Either that, or everything else I make is crap.

heh

Ahhhhhhhhhhh................

It was more glorious than expected, even.

I did everything on my list. Including the underpants dancing. Prince came on Last.fm as if someone there knew it was exactly what I needed.

I went to my first yoga class in years. It was amazing. I relaxed, I stretched, and I was amazed that my body actually remembered what to do a little more than I expected it to.

Hanging out with the girls afterwards was good, too. A little red wine, some chocolate chips cookies, and lots of giggling was exactly what my spirit needed. I even managed to get home at a decent hour and get some good sleep.

I awoke this morning, smiling. I went out for another short run. I went to the market and loaded myself down with almost more goodies than I could carry.

I feel spiritually rested and rejuvenated.

Things that having "alone time" helps me appreciate more:

- Pooping in private.

- Eating dinner on my own schedule, and not having to share.

- Sweet, sweet silence.

- Not having to worry about middle-of-the night antics.

- Hearing myself think.

I'm ready to get back to the business of being a "checked-in" mom again. It's all good.

Tonight's Bedtime Giggle

So I was putting Miss Molly to bed tonight (and she was fighting it, as usual). She hunkered down in bed, pulled the blankets up around her and snuggled in close to me.

She looked at me and said in 'fake sweet voice': "You're snuggley, Mama."

I snuggled in closer.

"But not as snuggley as Dada, because him is hairy."

heh

Hairy daddy = better snuggles.

The Power of Genetics

It's amazing sometimes what a part genetics play in the creation of a person. I'm reminded of this constantly with my children, with the fact that Molly is SO much like Chris, and Emma is SO much like me. A perfect example of this happened the other day when we took the girls to the paint store to choose paint colours for their bedroom (that they share).

They've been talking for months and months about the colours that they wanted. Molly chose purple, her favourite colour, and Emma chose pink, her favourite. I recognize the fact that really, I had no business taking those children into the paint store and presenting them with the seemingly endless choices. It was one those moments when hindsight told me, "What in the HELL was I thinking???"

But I digress.

We walked into the paint store, and straight over the section with the coloured tabs. Molly paused for a second, pulled out a purple strip, and pointed to the middle shade. "I want that one". Done. Choice made. 30 seconds flat. That was a Daddy special. He sees something he likes, picks it, and never looks back.

Forty-five minutes later, I was on the floor with Emma, begging her to "please, just make a choice". She had gone from pink to yellow to green back to pink and maybe back to yellow, but was currently sitting with a lap full of pink colour strips. There were too many choices. We tried helping her eliminate some, but she couldn't cross off any possibilities. She wanted to know the name of every single colour. We suggested what we thought would look good with the "Lilac Bouquet" Molly had chosen. We threatened her with leaving.

Finally, finally, Emma took a final stroll back to the wall of colours and picked out a strip. "What's the name of this one?" "Cotton Candy Pink". "I think I want that one." God bless her. We didn't give her a moment to change her mind, we had the paint store dude start making up the colour right away. But leave it to her to choose a colour based on the name. That's totally something like I would do.

Oh and yeah. You're probably wondering how "Lilac Bouquet" and "Cotton Candy Pink" look together. Well, it certainly wouldn't be *my* choice in colours, but it's perfectly fine for a little girl's bedroom - particularly two little girls who love princesses and dressing up. Besides. That's what I get for letting them choose, right?

Parenting Lesson # 2

Well, I had this one coming, that's for sure.

Parenting Lesson #2

Past mistakes are learning opportunities. Use them well.

Sadly, once again, it all comes back to a three-year old's underpants.

Last week, my girlfriend and I made plans to take our kids on the bus to the library. I was running behind, as usual. The plan was that I would catch the bus by my house, and then she would catch it by hers, just a little further down the street.

Our plan was a bit impromptu, and so that meant lots of rushing around to gather up library books, snacks, drinks, etc. It was one of those days when I certainly didn't have it all together. But that okay. Those days are the norm around this place.

I barked out orders to the girls to ensure that they got dressed and brushed their hair and got their shoes on. My husband ran outside and up to the street in his underpants to help me get everything carried up. I threw the back of books over my back and we ran for the bus.

We made it. With literally seconds to spare. Whew.

We got on the bus, with me breathing a HUUUUUGE sigh of relief. Okay. I can do this.

Further down the route a huge group of day camp kids got on the bus. To make more space, I slid Molly up onto my lap. That's when I realized. The kid had nothing on underneath her skirt.

Again.

Remember that promise I made to myself? Do you think I actually learned from that lesson?

Of course I didn't. There were no spare panties in my purse, as I'd promised myself I'd do, for just such instances.

Mild panic ensued. Molly's skirt was so short that it barely covered her bum with undies, let alone without. My mommy resourcefulness went into action and I came up with a plan.

We made it to the library and I took the girls into the washroom. Miss Emma, who is much more modest about displaying her - ahem - "girl parts", happened to be wearing a nice long dress. We whipped off Emma's undies and slipped them onto Molly. Not the most ideal solution, but at least it kept everyone decently covered.

And you know what? I still haven't put that extra pair of panties in my purse. I think I'm going to go do that right now.

Precious Moment

Just a few minutes ago I overheard a conversation between Chris and Emma. Emma lately has been obsessed with bouncing my big purple yoga ball as many times in a row as she can.

"Daddy, I want to have the world's record for bouncing a ball the most times."

A quick google search later, Chris broke Emma the bad news.

"Honey, you'd have to bounce it over 70 thousand times."

Pause.

"Okay. Well I'll bounce, and you can count."



Ah, kids. I wish we all had that much confidence in ourselves.

If I live to be a Hundred....

Last night, in the middle of the night, as I was helping Molly in the bathroom, I was suddenly struck with how precious and beautiful life is. I've been feeling that a lot lately -- an all-pervasive, overwhelming sense of gratitude for my life and for the people that are in it. I'm also struck by how quickly time passes, and how it's all so fleeting...it feels like it wasn't that long ago that Emma was an infant and she and I were snuggling in bed on long lazy spring mornings...and now suddenly, she's five years old, growing into a charming, insightful, intelligent little person. It all happened to quickly...and I know that time is only speeding up from here.

If I live to be a hundred, there are some parts of this parenting experience that I will carry with me forever. The smell of my girls when they were tiny babies. The incredible loving bond I felt as they nursed. The smell of their sweet milky breath. Their first smiles. Sharing in the joy of their early accomplishments - rolling over, crawling, walking. The sound of their slow breathing, and the feeling of soft, chubby little feet against my back in the middle of the night. Their infectious giggles ringing through the house. The sparkle dancing in their eyes as they share their excitement. Hearing the words, "I love you, Mommy."

It's all so precious. And I am so fortunate.