A Dream

Last night I had an interesting and intense dream.

I had a dream that I discovered that the house I was living in was attached to my mother's house. I had never noticed it before. My mother was so happy about this new realization and asked me to go into her (empty) house and get something for her (through a door that can only be described as a "secret passage").

I went into the house and looked around. Although it looked like the house I had grew up in superficially, upon closer inspection I was able see all of the things that were wrong with it. My mother wasn't the "perfect housekeeper" that I thought she was. There was mouldy food sitting around. The house was a mess. There was no one else in it but me, and yet, it had a "haunted" feeling about it. It wasn't the happy house that I remembered it being. It was like seeing a truth that I had been blinded to all my life. I remember feeling sad at what I saw, but at the same time, not surprised.

I turned around and came face to face with a huge rat. I wasn't exactly afraid of it, but I knew that it had to be gotten rid of. I chased it through the house to a spot where I finally got it cornered. I grabbed a broom and beat it to death. After a moment's hesitation I scooped up the carcass and threw it out of the house, feeling actually good about this accomplishment, even though it was something that I hadn't wanted to do. It needed to be done, and I was the only one there....and so I was the only one who could do it.

I find it so interesting how the human mind works, and the way that things pop up in the form of dreams. Very telling.....

My Life

All my life I've always put other people ahead of myself.

Their needs. Their wants. Their opinions. Their thoughts.

Everyone else has always always always been more important than me. I always looked to other people to guide me in life, because I always believed that their vision, even their vision for me, was more important than my own vision for myself.

I did it as a daughter. I did it as a friend. I did it as a girlfriend. I did it as a wife. I did it as a mother.

For the first time, possibly ever in my life, I am putting myself first. Not selfishly, but I am out there pursuing my own happiness....because always putting myself at the bottom of the list results in a life that is horribly out of balance. This means that in finding a new balance, a "new normal", a healthy way of living, the pendulum is likely going to swing a little in the other direction.

I don't *think* that I'm being this horribly selfish person....and yet other people think that I am.

So here is the question -- do I, once again, bow down to the opinions of others, allowing what they think of me to colour how I see myself? Or do I trust in my own judgment to tell me that I am simply doing the best that I can right now, imperfect as it may be?

I'm not perfect. I make mistakes. I don't do everything perfectly.

I used to beat myself up for that....and now that I'm not, it looks like other people are taking my place.

The hard truth is that I can only do the best that I can do in any particular moment...and *I* am the one who has to look myself in the mirror every morning. I can forgive myself for my flaws. I can make mistakes, happily, see them for what they are, and learn from them.

I see myself more clearly than perhaps I have in my whole life...and I have to have faith in that, despite how things make look on the outside to others.

Because this is my life.

Joy

It occurred to me today that joy isn't something that's just going to fall out of the sky and land on my head like a giant seagull turd. Ah, if only life were like that.

After spending the last 24 hours or so actively doing things to bring myself joy, I am realizing that it's something that I actually have to go out there and look for. Maybe some days it will hide better than others, but hell, I can't find it if I never even look for it.

And so, my challenge to myself, starting today, is to do at least one thing, every single day, to bring myself joy...even if it's just the smallest, tiniest thing. I am going to out there and search for it. I know that there is lots more joy to be found than I've been experiencing lately...and I am the only person responsible for that.

Today has been great - I've had many moments of joy. One of those moments in particular was taking my neighbour's dog for a walk. I'm going to start taking her running with me sometimes, just for fun, and today was our first time out together, so we just walked mostly, just so we could get used to each other. It was amazing! It's been a while since I've owned a dog, and I'd forgotten how being around a dog can really make life seem so simple...when it comes to a dog, life is all about enjoyment. I was happy to share in her happiness today.

Ahhhhhhhhhhh................

It was more glorious than expected, even.

I did everything on my list. Including the underpants dancing. Prince came on Last.fm as if someone there knew it was exactly what I needed.

I went to my first yoga class in years. It was amazing. I relaxed, I stretched, and I was amazed that my body actually remembered what to do a little more than I expected it to.

Hanging out with the girls afterwards was good, too. A little red wine, some chocolate chips cookies, and lots of giggling was exactly what my spirit needed. I even managed to get home at a decent hour and get some good sleep.

I awoke this morning, smiling. I went out for another short run. I went to the market and loaded myself down with almost more goodies than I could carry.

I feel spiritually rested and rejuvenated.

Things that having "alone time" helps me appreciate more:

- Pooping in private.

- Eating dinner on my own schedule, and not having to share.

- Sweet, sweet silence.

- Not having to worry about middle-of-the night antics.

- Hearing myself think.

I'm ready to get back to the business of being a "checked-in" mom again. It's all good.

Since Prince doesn't allow his stuff on YouTube....

Here's Will Smith. After all, he used to be "The Fresh Prince"...not exactly The Purple One, but a good piece of eye candy and fun for dancing in your underpants anyhow.......

Sweet, Sweet Freedom......

I know that I'm pretty lucky when it comes to getting "kid free time". I'm realizing, more and more, how important that is to me. Not just important....but absolutely necessary. I love my girls dearly, I love being a mom more than anything...but I am simply a better mom when I get adequate time to do my own thing, think my own thoughts, and just be "me", rather than "mommy".

Tonight Chris and his friend Jon are taking the four girls overnight for their first sleepover ever!!!! Honestly, I think I might be more excited than the girls are. heh.

I get the whole house to myself, starting in about 30 minutes or so. I will tidy up a bit. I will go for a run, have a nice hot shower, some food by myself, and then I'm going to a yoga class with friends. Afterwards, we three ladies will relax and hang out and eat chocolate chip cookies until we're ready to bust. I will come home, sleep in a quiet, empty house, without any worries of small children crawling into bed with me, sliding their icy cold toes into my nether regions for warmth. In the morning I will get ready for the farmer's market in silence. Well, maybe not silence....there may be a little Prince blaring for some background sounds.

Okay, okay, okay....Prince...and some dancing in my underpants. Just because I can.

Late Night Adventures

Last night I hung out with a girlfriend after my aquafit class. We had a great evening, with red wine and lots of talking, the best part being that I feel like our friendship has reached a new level of intimacy, that I'm really happy about.

I stayed much too late (the wine was flowing freely) and left at around midnight. When I got home, as I was letting myself in the basement door, I saw something small and dark moving behind me in my peripheral vision.

"Cat" I told myself. There are lots of neighbourhood cats roaming around our area.

Then, in my tipsy condition, for some reason I thought it might be funny to chase it down the lane (yes, I need to get out more). I turned and as I was running toward it, I saw that it wasn't a cat at all, but a small raccoon! This only added to the hilarity in my wine-fogged mind. I ran toward it, giggling to myself.

The raccoon began ambling away, as quickly as it could manage, and then suddenly stopped, turned, and stared me down. I stopped dead in my tracks. The look on the animal's face clearly said, "Bring it, biatch, I can take you!!!"

It was at this point that common sense took over. Somewhere in the back of my mind I remembered something about raccoons being vicious animals. I yelped in fright, ran in the back door and slammed it shut behind me, thankful that my country-girl upbringing superceded my wine hazed city girl self.

Lucky for me, some things run deeper in my veins than a little red wine...

Self-Acceptance

My last post talked of acceptance. I've been thinking, these last several days, more and more about self-acceptance.

Self-acceptance is hard for me. I've spent a great deal of my life either being told, or believing myself that there were things about me, deeply flawed, that as long as they existed, meant that I wasn't "good enough". Learning that I'm okay just the way that I am is a hard one for me. But I know that it's only through accepting these things, and loving them because they are a part of me, is the only way that I can actually change them. Ironic, I know.

So lately I've been on a journey of exploration. Figuring out the things that make me happy. Deciding what I want from life. Figuring out what life wants from me.

I have this voice, waaaay down deep inside, that has been trying to speak to me for a very long time. I haven't been listening, because I've been too busy being who and what I either felt I "should" be, or what others wanted me to be. At least at this point I am learning who and what I am not....and I guess I should at least be grateful to have that starting point.

Acceptance

Sometimes accepting things - life, circumstances, people - is difficult for me.

I'm so used to trying to bend everything to my will in one way or another, that just sitting back and accepting the way things are is hard.

And yet, at the same time, I know that this is what I must do.

Some things I can change, but it is considerably less than I would like. One major thing that I can control is my own attitude. The way that I look at the world and those in it. I have to decide what things I'm able to live with, in any given situation or person, and what things I am not.

It's not an easy task for me.

But something tells me, strongly, that this is a direction that I need to move in my life.

Alanis -- "Crazy"

Okay, so I've been a fan of Alanis Morissette for a long time. I think that she's a great female figure, full of strength and self-awareness...and a Canadian to boot! Does it get much better than that?

I stumbled across her doing this cover version of the Seal song "Crazy" on youtube, which is a fabulous song in it's own right, but today I'm really loving the Alanis version. Almost better than the song is this video.

Love it! Check it out.

Late Night

I am almost *never* up this late without a damned good reason. I'd like to report that I've been out partying, at the emergency room with a vomiting child, or helping a friend in need. Rather, I've been awake...crying...talking...dealing with the reality of my life right now. There are so many things that I would change if I could. In fact, the list is so long, I'm not even sure what I'd place at the top. Some might tell me that the key is to go about making my life look the way that I would want it to. Others might say that I need to see the goodness in what I have, and learn to simply want what I've got.

Seems like I'm unable to do either.

As I continue down the path in life that I am currently on, I am learning good things. I am learning to rely on myself more. I am learning to trust my own instincts. I am learning to appreciate the happy moments when I have them. Some days I feel a strange loneliness - but the deeper I look into it, the more I realize that it's not loneliness so much as being alone. And for someone who relies too much on the guidance and opinions of others, being alone isn't necessarily a bad thing. It's just a little uncomfortable for me at times.

One thing that I am slowly learning is that no matter what the details of my life, one thing will always remain constant: me. I can change my surroundings, I can change the people I am with. I can even change how I look. But I am still the same person underneath. Sure, that person can change, with enough time and effort. However, the question that I am left with at this late hour is: Is the key more to change who I am, or is it to better understand and love what I have in myself?

It's late. I'm officially talking in circles. Hopefully I will find sleep. Or maybe sleep will find me....

Today

Today is going to be a good day.

It's the first day in a looooong time that I've actually felt like getting up and going for a run. By default, running days are always better.

There's been a lot going on in my life lately - stuff that I haven't really been talking about here. I'd say that those closest to me know all the details, but even that's not really true. Many people know the basic facts, but the deeper realizations, emotions, and thought processes behind everything have very much remained private.

I haven't been blogging much lately, because my head has been very much wrapped up in what is going on here in my life, things that I haven't been ready, willing and able to discuss. I have been finding it hard to think about much else, most days.

I've been doing a lot of processing. A lot of thinking. A lot of feeling. It's a journey that I've wanted to make on my own, only because this is all so huge that I need to feel as though this is something that I'm doing for the right reasons. I need to look inside myself and rely on my own judgments, perceptions, and emotions. I need to feel, even if I ultimately make the wrong decisions, that it was my very own.

Today I am feel calm, centered, and sure of myself. I am ready to break the silence - I have a feeling that there will be a flurry of emails to a few people with deep explanations -- it seems that I am always better in writing than I am in person. The rest will be discussed with people at a lesser level, but they will get the level of conversation that their friendship warrants.

I feel good and ready to do this.

My life is changing. I am changing. I am learning to rely on myself, trust my instincts, and listen to my inner voice. Good or bad, this is where it is leading me.

Tonight's Bedtime Giggle

So I was putting Miss Molly to bed tonight (and she was fighting it, as usual). She hunkered down in bed, pulled the blankets up around her and snuggled in close to me.

She looked at me and said in 'fake sweet voice': "You're snuggley, Mama."

I snuggled in closer.

"But not as snuggley as Dada, because him is hairy."

heh

Hairy daddy = better snuggles.

Getting On Track

Yesterday was highly successful in terms of getting some order restored to the house. We're not at the level I'd ideally like to be, but I'd no longer shudder in horror if a neighbour stopped by unexpectedly to borrow a cup of sugar. So I'd call that progress, for sure.

Plus, I'm working my way up to be able to have a friend over to my house for the first time for a playdate, and I don't want to traumatize her (yes, Charmaine, I'm talking to YOU!) heh She already thinks I'm nuts enough as it is...

The girls and I experimented with "secret ink" yesterday (lemon juice) and started talking about the 5 food groups. I hadn't really planned on going over that yet, but that's the beauty of going with the flow...sometimes the kids lead you where THEY want to go.

Today we're taking a field trip.

To the mall. Heh.

They need new shoes for the fall, and sadly enough, going to the mall is a field trip for them, since it's a place they so rarely get to visit. But honestly, it might be a good opportunity to talk about consumerism, waste, and the importance of protecting the planet.

Ah, gotta love homeschooling. There's a learning opportunity in everything, if you just take the time to look for it....

I Mean Business, Dammit!

I woke up this morning, despite too little sleep, feeling sense of purpose. Lazy summer days are over. It's time to get organized and get down to business. The fall always makes me feel like that - motivated for "fresh starts" and in the mode for getting things done.

The house is a disorganized shamble right now. The girls and I have spent much of the summer just doing our own thing. We weren't on any kind of a schedule or plan.

Today that changes. It's time to whip the house back into presentable shape, and get cracking on some of homeschooling projects.

No more Mrs. LazyBones.

Happy First day of UN-school !!!

While other families across the city are rushing about, readying their children for the start of another school year, I can't help but smile to myself as I sit here, in the still early morning, anticipating a leisurely breakfast with my family. None of that rushing about for us.

This morning we will take the girls to the local candy shop to go a little nuts. We will see a movie. We will have pancakes for supper. All in the name of celebrating the fact that we can do what we want today.

I'm a homeschooler, and proud of it, baby!

I really should be running.....

I've been having a difficult time lately finding the motivation to run. Not sure what's up with that. I guess partly it's just due to the fact that I have about a million and one things going on in my life right now. Of course, the ironic part really is that when I'm running, I'm much better equipped to deal with my life and everything in it when I am running. But those things drain my mental and emotional energy to the point where I don't WANT to run. It's a vicious circle, as you can see.

Tomorrow is the first "official" day of NOT back-to-school. We're going to make it a special day for the girls, take them out to a movie, have pancakes for supper (one of their favourite things EVER) and just generally celebrate the fact that Miss Emma is not going to school. Of course, she seems to be quite tickled these days that she's not going off to sit in a classroom, or at least, that's what she tells us. I hope that attitude continues for a long while to come.

I hope to write a little more in time to come about some of our special homeschooling projects that we hope to get under way. I think I might be more excited about some of them than the girls! heh Ah well, nothing like living vicariously through your kids, right?

The Eight Irresistible Principles of Fun

This was shared with me this morning, and I felt compelled to pass it along....

The Eight Irresistible Principles of Fun