The Weight is Lifting....

Finally, finally, finally.....

The wheels are in motion and I'm headed in the direction that I want to go. I still have a whole lotta work ahead of me, but thankfully, much of it is in my control...and that's always a better situation, than to have so many things OUT of my control, and no way to change it.

I'm moving forward, people..moving forward and moving on.

YAY!

Setting Priorities

As I think more and more about this whole idea of "cleaning house" (my mental, emotional, and spiritual 'house', that is), I am becoming increasingly aware of the importance of gathering close to me those people and things who ARE important in my life. And, I guess, an extension of that, is figuring out WHO those people really are. Because honestly, some of them aren't who I thought. And while that's disappointing in a way, it's also very freeing - to be at a point where I'm able to figure out who the people are who will really be there when things get tough (and it doesn't get much tougher than what I'm going through now, folks).

I'm seeing now that a great deal of the last 10 years was just an illusion..that things weren't really what they seemed. I feel like I am seeing more clearly than I have in years. It's an amazing feeling.

I still have a long way to go. A lot of things to figure out, a lot of things that need to be worked on and sorted out. But I'm on the right path now.

Rough Night

For the most part, I don't mind sleeping alone.

Of course, "alone" usually does mean having a 3 year old (and sometimes a 5 year old) in my bed before morning...but still, it's not the same.

I woke up at 2:30 this morning, overheated from too many blankets (I was cold when I went to bed) after having had a nightmare. I don't have nightmares all that often, but usually when I do, they are terrifying. And last night was one of them. So terrifying, in fact, that it took me some time to shake off the fear so that I could make it down the hall to the bathroom. For once I didn't even have a child in my bed to cling to for comfort once I returned, either.

I managed to shake it off and get back to sleep, shivering in my too-warm bed, and wishing that I wasn't alone.

The worst part is that before morning, I had another one. Completely terrifying again...but just not enough to wake me up....so I endured the torture in my sleep.

When I finally did wake up, it was wishing that I had someone there for comfort...but again, not even having a flailing child there with me. I wrapped the blankets around me more closely and stared at the wall until I hear Mo get up and start tooling around upstairs. At least this time it was morning.

I still feel a little haunted by those nightmares today. They were the worst kind of nightmares, playing on my deepest fears and terrifying me to the core. That kind of thing can't be shaken off easily.

I'm trying to tell myself that this is a sign that I need to stay focused, and remain my own biggest and best support. I didn't have anyone there to hug me and kiss me in the middle of the night....but I survived, didn't I? I have to rely on others less and on myself more......

Me. I need to rely on me. That's the whole point of this whole self-discovery crap, isn't it????



Ugh.

Back to Reality.....

I got a big 'ole smack in the face with the reality stick this morning. After spending a relaxing and fun weekend with T, it's time to get myself back in the "real world".

I have a bathroom that needs cleaning, groceries to aquire, kids demanding Christmas crafts and other such amusments, a neck that's killing me, Christmas shopping to do....

The good news about returning to reality is that I have a job interview tonight. I'm really excited about this particular opportunity, so please, keep your fingers crossed for me. Landing a job at this point means that I'm that much closer to moving forward with my life...which will be oh-so-much better for everyone.

For now, though, I'm headed out for a run. Not only will my neck thank me for it, but my spirit will, too. It's feeling particularly overloaded these days.

There's a lot on my mind these days, Internets....a lot on my mind.

Stupid reality stick. Next time I think I'm gonna hide that thing....

Disappointment

Let's face it, people, break-ups are ugly. I mean, even though my break up with C wasn't particularly ugly, it has it's days when it certainly goes down that road.

Today was one of them.

I'm not going to go into specifics; we've got mutual friends who read this blog and so that's just not cool.

One of the things I'm thinking about tonight is the "residual ugliness" that comes along with a break up. Specifically, the division of friends.

You hear about that phenomenon....when mutual friends "take sides", or are uncomfortable with one partner or the other for whatever reason. Tonight I'm feeling the sting of that. I'm feeling a lot of disappointment...disappointment in people that I thought were above that kind of thing. People that I believed in more than I've ever believed in anyone. It's hard not to take it personally. Again, no details, but I'm feeling pretty "out in the cold"...to the point where if it weren't for the girls, I'm probably pack my bags and leave the city. And that's a pretty crappy feeling.

I guess that's the danger in putting people up on a pedestal. We're all just human after all.

Today....

Today was a pretty good day, all things considered. We were supposed to have a playdate with some other homeschoolers, but that fell through when Miss E woke up this morning, feeling crummy (after we 3 girls had a bit of a sleep in). She came to me and very nicely informed me that she wasn't feeling well from her cold, and thought that it would be best if we stayed at home and had a quiet day, instead of going to our playdate. She said she felt like she needed to just stay in her pjs all day and not do much of anything.

And really, who am I to argue with that?

So it was a quiet day indeed. I got to chat on msn with H. The girls and I hung out and read some books. We enjoyed some dancing and a bit of "tickle time". The girls had a little extra videos. E had a nice long hot bath. I got some cleaning done, sent off my resume for another job, and even managed a little yoga for good measure, and a bit of snuggle time on the couch with the little sickie. I know that lazy days like these are numbered, and soon life is going to be changing dramatically for all 3 of us....so it's good that we were able to enjoy it.

A lot of today was spent simply enjoying the moment as I was in it...and it was good to be able to do that, since so much of my life these days is spent worrying about the future. The thing about the future is that it's coming...and there's nothing I can do about that, besides truly live each day as it arrives.

And after today, I'm feeling a lot more equipped to be able to do that. So tonight, I'm smiling. I've been doing a lot of that today.

I Am Me

Yeah, I made it out there again today for a run. Barely. It was sorely tempting to just laze around the house this morning. It was the kind of morning where, a year ago, I would have completely relied on C to movtivate me to get out the door for that run.

Today, however, I motivated myself. And that's really what so much of my journey right now is all about -- learning that *I* have the strength, power, and courage inside myself to do what I need to do, without leaning on others for it. Not just when it comes to running, but with everything in my life. I've never felt truly indpendent in my whole life. I've always managed to define myself more by my relationships to others, by my own personal accomplishments, than by the fact that I am me.

Sure, we all need someone to cheer us on from time to time, I totally get that, but I've never felt capable of motivating myself for the important things in my life. And running? Well, that's just one of them. And sitting here at the end of my run, basking in that unique glow that only a run can provide, I have to say, I'm feeling pretty damn proud of myself.

I can do it. All of it. I am me...and I am happy that I am.

The Interview

I'm pooped out right now, so the update will be brief.

My girlfriend helped me decide on the outfit. I think we made the best choice.

I ripped out the nose ring just to be on safe side. Crammed it back in my head as soon as I got home.

I realized how much I missed getting dressed up.

I realized how lucky I've been to not have to work outside the home all these years.

The interview itself was pretty casual - not sure if that's a good sign or a bad one. They told me that once people get on there, they usually stay for many many years, which to me says that it's probably a decent place to work with good co-workers.

They're going to get back to me.

And that's that.

I'll keep ya'll posted.

Just Like That....

Life can change dramatically in the blink of an eye.

I got a phonecall this morning - tomorrow I have a job interview. The first one I've had in a very, very long time. It's not my dream job, but it's a job, and at this point, I'll be happy to land it, because it would mean finally moving forward toward the changes in my life that I've been thinking about in the last few months.

I don't know if I'll ultimately get this job or not, or frankly, even if I want it. I'm just suddenly reminded of how quickly life can change...and the changes that I've been waiting for aren't that far down the road. They're exciting and scary at the same time.

Updates to follow.

Time Slips Away...

I looked in the mirror this morning and am acutely aware of growing older. I'm in my mid-thirties, an age I once couldn't imagine myself being. It makes me panic a little bit to think of it. I still feel like I'm in mid-twenties...but that age is long gone...somewhere into an abyss. So much of that time was wasted....time that I'm never going to get back.

Lately I'm feeling disappointed in myself that I don't have my life a little more figured out than I currently do. I guess I always assumed that by this age I would finally feel like a "grown-up". The reality of my life is that I feel like I'm just pretending to be a grown up. I don't know what I expected my life to look or feel like -- but this doesn't feel like "it". Hm. I'm not sure how to change that, either.

I'm trying really hard not to wish my life away. It's hard to be "present" in a situation that I know isn't permanent. I very much feel "stuck" right now...mired down in life details that I simply have to wait out. I am anxiously anticipating some forward movement. I don't like feeling stuck. I keep reminding myself that there are good lessons to be learned here - about living in the moment, learning patience, and having gratitude for what I do have.

It's really difficult some days.

Making An Effort

I spent the afternoon de-cluttering and organizing. I got rid of a lot of "stuff" that's just been taking up space...put things back where they belonged, went through my email inbox and cleared hundreds of emails out of there...hell, I even scrubbed out my microwave.

It feels good to get some "practical" things done. I feel like a big part of my life is on hold right now...I'm sitting here feeling helpless, waiting for the ball to get rolling. I am applying for jobs, so that feels good, but now I sit and wait to hear back. Until I actually land a job, then I can't move forward with other details like securing child care for the girls, and finding a place to live, blah blah blah.

I'm feeling frustrated with this lack of movement in my life. I guess I'm in a place right now where I've made my decision, and I just want to start moving forward with things. I want to start building my new life. This "stuck in the middle" stuff is really weighing down on me.

I guess I need to cut myself some slack, and recognize that some things, particularly things like this, take time.

Sometimes I feel like I'm spending my whole life either missing things from the past, or looking ahead to the future. Living in the "now", and appreciating what I have, is the most difficult thing for me.

This, like so many things, I am working on. Maybe I always will be.

Taking a Deep Breath....

Well, as you can tell, I was feeling more than a bit overwhelmed this morning. The feeling lasted well into the day.

Upon further inspection (and thanks to an email from a terrific friend) I realized that much of what I was feeling was grief. Grief over the loss of the life I had envisioned for myself and the girls, particularly in terms of homeschooling. The homeschooling will continue for the rest of this year, but there's likely no way for it to go beyond that.

I feel disappointed in losing that, obviously. Being a "homeschooling mom" is a huge identity that I'd built for myself...to the point where I'd ignored other aspects of my being. Now it's time to get in touch with those other parts of myself...and that's a scary prospect, too. I guess there's some grief involved in losing that particular identity as well. Now I'm left with the task of, once again, figuring out where I fit into this world. It's not easy.

I guess what this all boils down to is change...and fear of that change. Fear is powerful, and has done a lot of damage in my life over the years. I've vowed to work toward changing that...so here I am...staring it full-on in the face once again.

I'm grateful for my friends (and you know who you are) who have been giving me pep talks and support and help through all of this. I appreciate it likely more than you know.

Guilt

Seems like tonight I'm being overwhelmed by a sudden wave of guilt.

I've been doing a lot of thinking about the future, and what is likely going to happen in terms of the girls and their education. I don't realistically see homeschooling continuing past this year. There really isn't a practical way to make it work. Living here under the same roof with my husband is an uncomfortable situation. We try to stay out of each other's way, and we attempt to be civil with one another, but we are constantly being put in situations that have the potential for conflict - people not cleaning up after themselves adequately, things like that. And I'm not placing any specific blame on him - it's something that we're both guilty of. The longer time goes on, the more it becomes apparent that we need to live in separate places so that we can continue to be effective parents, and "friends" on some level.

Simply put - I need a job...and an "evening and weekend" gig isn't going to cut it.

In order to work full time, the kids have to go to school, realistically. I'll finish out this year with homeschooling, even if I am working full time during the day, but continuing it for longer would just be too hard for everyone.

Enter the guilt.

I feel like I'm doing a huge disservice to my children. My reasons for wanting to homeschool them haven't changed. In fact, as time goes on, I become more and more convinced that public school isn't the way I want to go. And yet here I am.

I feel incredibly, incredibly selfish tonight. There's a voice in my head telling me that I should have just sucked up my unhappiness and sacrificed my own wants and needs for my kids. After all, isn't that what good parents do? I mean, they didn't ask to be here...I made the choice to bring them into the world...so isn't it completely unfair of me to shake up their world this way?

Tonight, finding balance in my life feels like a completely impossible task. I feel overwhelmed and weighed down by the practical details of my life, and making it all work out. Seems like no matter which scenario I choose, someone is being sacrificed.

Maybe it should just be me after all.

Negativity

Late this afternoon, a blanket of negativity spread itself over me. I'm not even sure where it came from.

Right now I'm feeling very weighed down with life. Too many details, too many things that are uncertain.

This afternoon I had a dream that I decided to get back together with C. Not because this is what I want - I think it's because part of me is craving the stability and "certainty" that he represents. I know how life with him would turn out, even if it's an outcome that I don't particularly want. There's a certain comfort in being able to see the future.

Right now in this moment, so much of my life seems very up in the air. I have to find a job. We have to work out homeschooling details. I need to find a place of my own to live. I still need to decide what I want to be "when I grow up".

There is another part of my life that is very uncertain in this moment right now, too. I haven't been writing about it here; I just haven't felt ready for it. I think it's time to start.

I've met someone.

I met H back in July, before I'd made my final decision to end my marriage. The two things aren't connected in any way - we very much remained friends until I'd decided that I wasn't going to stay with C. It's hard, it feels awkward. I'm not ready for another relationship so soon, but frankly, I don't want to lose this person from my life. The good news is that our relationship is in a bit of a 'holding pattern', because he lives in Holland.

Yeah, that's right. We've got a strictly online thing happening. It has it's benefits, actually, considering the fact that I'm not ready to be involved with someone. Our geographical and physical distance means that things can only get so serious between the two of us at this point. I have the space to go on living my life, while having fun with and getting to know this new person. It's good for me to be able to continue with my independent life and get to know myself. It's nice being able to get to know someone on a personal and emotional level without the physical "stuff" getting in the way. We've had some great conversations together - silly and serious.

But it sucks in other aspects. On the days when I *really* need a hug (and some days I REALLY REALLY need one) there's no way that I can have it. I have a lot of doubts some days...wondering if this is going to work out between us in the end, or if I'm just setting myself up for heartbreak...mine or his.

I'm trying not to look too far ahead into the future, and just look at the way things are right now. This person brings a lot of happiness and fun and positivity to my life, and I know that I'm able to do the same. And who knows? Maybe it won't work out in the end...but for now it's good, and that's what I have to keep reminding myself of.

So why do I feel so negative tonight?

On the Hunt

So, I'm job hunting.

And it sucks.

I'm actually looking forward to having a bit of a job. I crave "grown up time" and I think that having an identity out of the house will be good for me. It's not the job that I object to, just the hunting part.

I'm a little frustrated in that I already have a feeling that I'm going to have to settle for a crappy job that I don't love. Maybe not even like. I actually had a pretty good full time job before kids, working as an administrative assistant at one of the universities. It didn't challenge my brain very much, but I had some pretty decent co-workers, it wasn't terribly difficult, and it paid the bills. I didn't realize how lucky I was with that job at the time. Looking back on it now, I can see that it was better than it felt back then.

Ah well. Once again, life takes me down a path that I didn't exactly expect.

So I'm looking for a job that I can do on evenings and weekends, that will allow me to be at home during the day with the girls to keep homeschooling. Not sure how long this arrangement is going to last. C and I have to discuss what's going to happen long-term, when it comes to homeschooling and other previous plans that we'd had. I hate even the thought of giving up on homeschooling, but to be honest, I'm not sure how it's going to work from merely a practical viewpoint. I've gotta eat, after all.

So yeah...first thing's first. Finding a job for the time being to haul in some money while we work on a long term course of action. I'm trying hard to not look too far down the road and get stressed out about things that I can't control.

Heh. Easier said than done.

Oh Baby!

So good friends of mine had a baby last week. They endured a 40 (yes, that's right 4-0) hour labour without drugs. I have a new hero!

Anyhoo...I've had the pleasure of seeing the baby a number of times over the past week. She's adorable. She makes the 6th girl in our group of friends now. No one seems to be able to produce a boy for some reason. Maybe men are finally going extinct. heh

It's been so nice being around a newborn again. It's been a while since I've been that close to a baby so young. I love their little face twitches when they're sleeping, and their slow, languid movements, like they're still swimming. I love their little cries and breathy noises. I love the way they smell. I love the way they curl up into little bundles.

Yes, I'm one of "those" women who turn into a hormonal puddle of goo when I get in a 4 foot radius of a newborn baby. The other day I leaned over to sniff the new baby's toes and I do believe I spontaneously ovulated. heh

The interesting thing is that, somewhere in the back of my mind I always thought that I'd have 3 children. I don't know why I felt that, it was just something I'd always assumed. Of course, with C being finished at two and making the decision permanent, I'd tried to let go of that thought.

And now it seems to be coming back to haunt me again.

I certainly don't know what life has in store for me. My life has changed a whole lot in the last year and a half or so...and I can imagine that the coming years hold many more suprises. I guess today I'm feeling encouraged by that thought...the thought that my life isn't already determined for me. Though I may not know what life has in store for me...I'm sure as hell interested in finding out.

But if I know what's good for me, I'll stay away from those baby toes. At least for the time being.