Wednesday, December 31, 2008
Tuesday, December 30, 2008
A Rant for Today....
**Just a friendly note before I begin my rant....this is mostly directed at myself, and isn't intended to land on anyone specific, just the world in general. I'm sorting through some of my 'stuff', and this is what I've been working on the last few days.**
I've been thinking a lot the last few days about one particular aspect of myself: my need to over-apologize.
I mean, I'm Canadian and all, and I think that it's in our blood to apologize for everything, including those things that are beyond our control...but damn, I've got a problem.
Anyone who has eaten a meal prepared by me knows about my tendency to apologize for my own cooking...even though most of the time it tastes pretty damn good. I always seem to focus on the less than perfect aspects of myself. But we've all got 'em, now don't we???
I've been thinking more specifically about a conversation with friends recently where I actually found myself apologizing for my musical tastes. I was desperately trying to justify listening to certain music with a, "but it's just for running purposes, honest!!!" You know what? That's stupid! Apologizing for the music I enjoy - for running or not - is like apologizing for the fact that my eyes are blue. And you know what? I'm done with it. I refuse to go forward in my life apologizing for being who I am...particularly when it comes to aspects of myself - like musical tastes - that don't affect anyone else but me. It's not like I'm cramming my earbuds into YOUR ears and forcing you to listen to Justin Timberlake for fun. What I listen to is not really anyone's business but mine....and if anyone wants to believe that they're a superior person to me because they listen to what (they feel) is "better" music....well frankly...screw you. I'm sick of judgment...even judgment that seems 'harmless'.
I absolutely refuse to apologize for being me anymore. And if you don't like it, well...tough titty for you.
heh
I've been thinking a lot the last few days about one particular aspect of myself: my need to over-apologize.
I mean, I'm Canadian and all, and I think that it's in our blood to apologize for everything, including those things that are beyond our control...but damn, I've got a problem.
Anyone who has eaten a meal prepared by me knows about my tendency to apologize for my own cooking...even though most of the time it tastes pretty damn good. I always seem to focus on the less than perfect aspects of myself. But we've all got 'em, now don't we???
I've been thinking more specifically about a conversation with friends recently where I actually found myself apologizing for my musical tastes. I was desperately trying to justify listening to certain music with a, "but it's just for running purposes, honest!!!" You know what? That's stupid! Apologizing for the music I enjoy - for running or not - is like apologizing for the fact that my eyes are blue. And you know what? I'm done with it. I refuse to go forward in my life apologizing for being who I am...particularly when it comes to aspects of myself - like musical tastes - that don't affect anyone else but me. It's not like I'm cramming my earbuds into YOUR ears and forcing you to listen to Justin Timberlake for fun. What I listen to is not really anyone's business but mine....and if anyone wants to believe that they're a superior person to me because they listen to what (they feel) is "better" music....well frankly...screw you. I'm sick of judgment...even judgment that seems 'harmless'.
I absolutely refuse to apologize for being me anymore. And if you don't like it, well...tough titty for you.
heh
Monday, December 29, 2008
Today's Thoughts...
So far today's going pretty well. No nightmares last night (I had the phone ready and waiting by my bed in case I needed it...). I woke up feeling fairly rested. I managed to get out there today for a nice little run...it's a glorious day out there.
I got to do a lot of thinking, which is something that I desperately needed.
I thought about running. I decided to commit myself to running the half marathon this coming May. Having a definite goal is good for me to keep me on track with running. I need to run to stay sane...and I'm not always that great at doing it as often as I should...so hopefully having the Bluenose Marathon looming in my face will be just the inspiration that I need. It'll be my 35th birthday present to myself.
Wow....did I really say 35? Holy shit.
In other news...I did some more processing while I was out...about me and my life over the last year and a half or so. Specifically the impact of the death of a certain family member, and how that seemed to be the catalyst for where I've ended up in my life right now. It's interesting...I expected it to be a big deal when it happened, but at the time I couldn't see it. I guess I expected a huge epiphany right in the moment, but rather it took a long time to unfold ...and it's only now that much of it is making sense to me.
The good news is...it's all good. I'm figuring it out, I'm making sense of it all. Even better is that I'm actively making changes that reflect these realizations. In the past I used to believe that just making the realization was enough...but now I know that there's more required...I need to actually change based on those epiphanies...even if the changes are just in my own thought process, beliefs or attitudes.
I'm moving forward.
New beginnings....better memories....better life....better Mama S.
I got to do a lot of thinking, which is something that I desperately needed.
I thought about running. I decided to commit myself to running the half marathon this coming May. Having a definite goal is good for me to keep me on track with running. I need to run to stay sane...and I'm not always that great at doing it as often as I should...so hopefully having the Bluenose Marathon looming in my face will be just the inspiration that I need. It'll be my 35th birthday present to myself.
Wow....did I really say 35? Holy shit.
In other news...I did some more processing while I was out...about me and my life over the last year and a half or so. Specifically the impact of the death of a certain family member, and how that seemed to be the catalyst for where I've ended up in my life right now. It's interesting...I expected it to be a big deal when it happened, but at the time I couldn't see it. I guess I expected a huge epiphany right in the moment, but rather it took a long time to unfold ...and it's only now that much of it is making sense to me.
The good news is...it's all good. I'm figuring it out, I'm making sense of it all. Even better is that I'm actively making changes that reflect these realizations. In the past I used to believe that just making the realization was enough...but now I know that there's more required...I need to actually change based on those epiphanies...even if the changes are just in my own thought process, beliefs or attitudes.
I'm moving forward.
New beginnings....better memories....better life....better Mama S.
Okay, okay, I admit it...
"Hi, my name is Mama S and I'm a closet Jackson 5 fan".
This song always always always makes me smile.
And Michael sure can rock a purple hat. Wish I had me a hat just like it.
heh
This song always always always makes me smile.
And Michael sure can rock a purple hat. Wish I had me a hat just like it.
heh
Happiness is.........
...having an open offer to phone in the middle of the night if the nightmares wake me up again.
Thank you. :)
Thank you. :)
Sunday, December 28, 2008
Ugh
I had a much needed nap this afternoon. It was great to lay down in a quiet house, pull up the blankets, and just crash hard. I slept for almost THREE HOURS in fact!!! (Yeah mom, I KNOW I haven't been taking care of myself the way that I should...)
While I was sleeping I was plagued with another nightmare (I've been having a lot of those lately). In it, I was telling a good neighbour of mine that C and I are separated (no, I haven't told her yet...only because we don't see each other all that often, and let's face it, people, it's SUCH an awkward conversation to have). When I did, at first she was shocked, and then she immediately became angry...at me. She started telling me all the things that sometimes those voices tell me when it gets a little too quiet in my head....that I didn't try hard enough. That I didn't want it enough. That "not being happy" isn't a good enough reason to decide to end things. In the dream I felt horrible, and desperately tried to justify myself to her, but had a hard time putting everything into words...
It sorta reminds me of those dreams when you try to run away from something scary and your legs won't work, you know? This time I tried to explain myself, but my brain and my tongue couldn't seem to make the connection...
It's funny...because ironically, I'm not sure if the dream was about C, or if it was really about T. For the last few days, as I admit to myself (and to him) how much I like this guy, I'm trying to conjure up reasons in my head to run away. I'm scared for a whole lot of reasons, and I guess I'm not dealing with that fear all that well at all. I'm sure if I went looking hard enough, I could find *something* - he's just human after all, and it's easy to make a mountain out of a molehill.
A quick conversation with a very good friend just now, helped me to put things back into perspective (she's been doing that for me a lot lately). I am holding the fear at bay. It's funny....I don't know why I'm having such a hard time making a "leap of faith" with my feelings. Normally I'm a "jump in with both feet" kinda gal. This time...I'm taking my time. Oh - and before any of you wonder (because I know some of y'all pretty well) I'll answer what may be swirling around in your heads and say that it's not anything that HE has said or done to cause me to be so afraid or cautious in all of this...except maybe be a little too good to be true. There are no "warning signs", theren't any "red flags". Dude's the real deal....and I'm simply a basket case.
One day, one moment at a time is all I can manage right now. And honestly, it doesn't have to be any more than just that for the time being.
While I was sleeping I was plagued with another nightmare (I've been having a lot of those lately). In it, I was telling a good neighbour of mine that C and I are separated (no, I haven't told her yet...only because we don't see each other all that often, and let's face it, people, it's SUCH an awkward conversation to have). When I did, at first she was shocked, and then she immediately became angry...at me. She started telling me all the things that sometimes those voices tell me when it gets a little too quiet in my head....that I didn't try hard enough. That I didn't want it enough. That "not being happy" isn't a good enough reason to decide to end things. In the dream I felt horrible, and desperately tried to justify myself to her, but had a hard time putting everything into words...
It sorta reminds me of those dreams when you try to run away from something scary and your legs won't work, you know? This time I tried to explain myself, but my brain and my tongue couldn't seem to make the connection...
It's funny...because ironically, I'm not sure if the dream was about C, or if it was really about T. For the last few days, as I admit to myself (and to him) how much I like this guy, I'm trying to conjure up reasons in my head to run away. I'm scared for a whole lot of reasons, and I guess I'm not dealing with that fear all that well at all. I'm sure if I went looking hard enough, I could find *something* - he's just human after all, and it's easy to make a mountain out of a molehill.
A quick conversation with a very good friend just now, helped me to put things back into perspective (she's been doing that for me a lot lately). I am holding the fear at bay. It's funny....I don't know why I'm having such a hard time making a "leap of faith" with my feelings. Normally I'm a "jump in with both feet" kinda gal. This time...I'm taking my time. Oh - and before any of you wonder (because I know some of y'all pretty well) I'll answer what may be swirling around in your heads and say that it's not anything that HE has said or done to cause me to be so afraid or cautious in all of this...except maybe be a little too good to be true. There are no "warning signs", theren't any "red flags". Dude's the real deal....and I'm simply a basket case.
One day, one moment at a time is all I can manage right now. And honestly, it doesn't have to be any more than just that for the time being.
Please Don't Leave Me.....
God I love Pink. I've said it before, and I'll say it again. This chick rocks!!!
Here's my new favourite of hers. I have a feeling that she and I likely have a lot in common.
Here's my new favourite of hers. I have a feeling that she and I likely have a lot in common.
Saturday, December 27, 2008
Me and My Emotions
I've been described as being "intense" in more than one situation by more than one different person. I can't really argue with that description at all. I know that I'm intense. I feel things very intensely. I tried for a long time to squish all that deep down inside of me, but there's no use fighting against it.
Yes, I'm sensitive.
Yes, I can feel very intensely at times - both the good and the bad stuff.
I realized that it's both a blessing and a curse. Yeah, I feel the negative stuff pretty intensely. I have cried my insides out for one reason or another more times than I can count. I am still mourning the loss of a friend who died 15 or so years ago. My anger can flash hot as a bonfire.
But it's also a blessing. I can feel joy from the top of my head to the tip of my toes. I can laugh until my sides ache and tears pour down my cheeks. I can feel love so strongly that my heart expands inside my chest and takes over my whole body.
For the years that I was deeply entrenched in my eating disorder, I was numb much of the time. That's part of what it was about...numbing out the world, numbing out the overwhelming emotions, because I didn't know how to cope with them any other way. Even though I've been recovered from the eating disorder for many years now, I still find myself sometimes feeling completely and utterly overwhelmed with my emotions. Even the positive ones. I still sometimes have to take a big step back and find a way to just "check out" for a little while (and fortunately I've found much more healthy outlets than punishing my body).
Tonight I'm feeling pretty overwhelmed...with the good stuff. Despite trying to take it slow, despite trying to be careful with my heart...here's where I find myself.
It would actually feel pretty damn good if it didn't scare me so badly....
Yes, I'm sensitive.
Yes, I can feel very intensely at times - both the good and the bad stuff.
I realized that it's both a blessing and a curse. Yeah, I feel the negative stuff pretty intensely. I have cried my insides out for one reason or another more times than I can count. I am still mourning the loss of a friend who died 15 or so years ago. My anger can flash hot as a bonfire.
But it's also a blessing. I can feel joy from the top of my head to the tip of my toes. I can laugh until my sides ache and tears pour down my cheeks. I can feel love so strongly that my heart expands inside my chest and takes over my whole body.
For the years that I was deeply entrenched in my eating disorder, I was numb much of the time. That's part of what it was about...numbing out the world, numbing out the overwhelming emotions, because I didn't know how to cope with them any other way. Even though I've been recovered from the eating disorder for many years now, I still find myself sometimes feeling completely and utterly overwhelmed with my emotions. Even the positive ones. I still sometimes have to take a big step back and find a way to just "check out" for a little while (and fortunately I've found much more healthy outlets than punishing my body).
Tonight I'm feeling pretty overwhelmed...with the good stuff. Despite trying to take it slow, despite trying to be careful with my heart...here's where I find myself.
It would actually feel pretty damn good if it didn't scare me so badly....
Girl Power!!!!
I felt the need for a little "Girl Power" tune this morning.
Forgive the bouncing boobies. Yeah, they're a little "counter" to the message that they bring, but it's still fun nevertheless.....
Forgive the bouncing boobies. Yeah, they're a little "counter" to the message that they bring, but it's still fun nevertheless.....
I see you looking at me
Like I got something for you
And the way that you stare
Don't you dare
'Cause I'm not about to
Just give it on up to you
'Cause there are some things I won't do
And I'm not afraid to tell you
I don't ever want to leave you confused
The more you try
The less I bite
And I don't have to think it through
You know if I'm into you
I don't need a man to make it happen
I get off being free
I don't need a man to make me feel good
I get off doing my thing
I don't need a ring around my finger
To make me feel complete
So let me break it down
I can get off when you ain't around
Oh!
You know I got my own life
And I bought everything that's in it
So if you want to be with me
It ain't all about the bling you bringing
I want a love that's for real
And without that then no deal
And baby I don't need a hand
If it only wants to grab one thing
The more you try
The less I bite
And I don't have to think it through
You know if I'm feeling you
I don't need a man to make it happen
I get off being free
I don't need a man to make me feel good
I get off doing my thing
I don't need a ring around my finger
To make me feel complete
So let me break it down
I can get off when you ain't around
Let it go
Let it go
Let it go
Let it go
I don't need a
I don't need a man, I don't
I don't need a man
I'll get me through
'Cause I know I'm fine
I feel brand new
I don't need a
I don't need a man, I don't
I don't need a man
I'll make it through
'Cause I know I'm fine
Without you!
I don't need a man to make it happen
I get off being free
I don't need a man to make me feel good
I get off doing my thing
I don't need a ring around my finger
To make me feel complete
So let me break it down
I can get off when you ain't around
Oh!
I don't need a man (I'm over you)
I don't need a man (I'm over you)
I don't need a man
(I'm without you)
(I'm over you)
I don't need a man
I don't need a man
I don't need a man
Like I got something for you
And the way that you stare
Don't you dare
'Cause I'm not about to
Just give it on up to you
'Cause there are some things I won't do
And I'm not afraid to tell you
I don't ever want to leave you confused
The more you try
The less I bite
And I don't have to think it through
You know if I'm into you
I don't need a man to make it happen
I get off being free
I don't need a man to make me feel good
I get off doing my thing
I don't need a ring around my finger
To make me feel complete
So let me break it down
I can get off when you ain't around
Oh!
You know I got my own life
And I bought everything that's in it
So if you want to be with me
It ain't all about the bling you bringing
I want a love that's for real
And without that then no deal
And baby I don't need a hand
If it only wants to grab one thing
The more you try
The less I bite
And I don't have to think it through
You know if I'm feeling you
I don't need a man to make it happen
I get off being free
I don't need a man to make me feel good
I get off doing my thing
I don't need a ring around my finger
To make me feel complete
So let me break it down
I can get off when you ain't around
Let it go
Let it go
Let it go
Let it go
I don't need a
I don't need a man, I don't
I don't need a man
I'll get me through
'Cause I know I'm fine
I feel brand new
I don't need a
I don't need a man, I don't
I don't need a man
I'll make it through
'Cause I know I'm fine
Without you!
I don't need a man to make it happen
I get off being free
I don't need a man to make me feel good
I get off doing my thing
I don't need a ring around my finger
To make me feel complete
So let me break it down
I can get off when you ain't around
Oh!
I don't need a man (I'm over you)
I don't need a man (I'm over you)
I don't need a man
(I'm without you)
(I'm over you)
I don't need a man
I don't need a man
I don't need a man
Friday, December 26, 2008
Six Feet Under.....
Last year I discovered the television series "Six Feet Under". It came highly recommended to me by a neighbour of mine....and I loved every single minute of it. I'm not much of a t.v. watcher these days, but there's something about this series that really resonated with me...and still does. Maybe it's because so much of the show is about really living the life that you have....because it can all be over in the blink of an eye. I seem to be more acutely aware of that at this point in my life than I have been ever before.
This television series moved me in a way that no other show has. I actually broke down watching the series finale...it was that powerful and moving. I only wish that I could watch it all again for the very first time.
Tonight I found a quote from what I'm pretty sure is the final season of the show...a quote that's really speaking to me tonight. You don't have to be a fan of the show, or know any of the characters for this quote to have meaning. This quote sums up pretty well where I am right now.
This television series moved me in a way that no other show has. I actually broke down watching the series finale...it was that powerful and moving. I only wish that I could watch it all again for the very first time.
Tonight I found a quote from what I'm pretty sure is the final season of the show...a quote that's really speaking to me tonight. You don't have to be a fan of the show, or know any of the characters for this quote to have meaning. This quote sums up pretty well where I am right now.
"I spent my whole life being scared. Scared of not being ready and not being right and not being who I should be. "
Um....yeah. That's EXACTLY where I have been for my entire life...and where I still sit right now. The thing is, I think I know what I have to do to start turning that around...but I'm not sure if the fear is going to hold me back or not.
I've spent my whole life either regretting the past or worrying about the future. Enjoying the moment is so hard for me...because I always feel like I'm on the brink of losing everything.
I still have a hard time believing that I deserve the goodness, even when it feels like it's being handed to me on a silver platter. What would have to happen for me to actually believe in myself....?
I've spent my whole life either regretting the past or worrying about the future. Enjoying the moment is so hard for me...because I always feel like I'm on the brink of losing everything.
I still have a hard time believing that I deserve the goodness, even when it feels like it's being handed to me on a silver platter. What would have to happen for me to actually believe in myself....?
You're So Vain....
....you probably think this blog post's about you....
Nah, I'm just shittin' y'all. I just like this song. I would love to someday be able to write such a brilliant little f*ck you, if I ever needed to.
Enjoy!
Nah, I'm just shittin' y'all. I just like this song. I would love to someday be able to write such a brilliant little f*ck you, if I ever needed to.
Enjoy!
Rough Night
For the most part, I don't mind sleeping alone.
Of course, "alone" usually does mean having a 3 year old (and sometimes a 5 year old) in my bed before morning...but still, it's not the same.
I woke up at 2:30 this morning, overheated from too many blankets (I was cold when I went to bed) after having had a nightmare. I don't have nightmares all that often, but usually when I do, they are terrifying. And last night was one of them. So terrifying, in fact, that it took me some time to shake off the fear so that I could make it down the hall to the bathroom. For once I didn't even have a child in my bed to cling to for comfort once I returned, either.
I managed to shake it off and get back to sleep, shivering in my too-warm bed, and wishing that I wasn't alone.
The worst part is that before morning, I had another one. Completely terrifying again...but just not enough to wake me up....so I endured the torture in my sleep.
When I finally did wake up, it was wishing that I had someone there for comfort...but again, not even having a flailing child there with me. I wrapped the blankets around me more closely and stared at the wall until I hear Mo get up and start tooling around upstairs. At least this time it was morning.
I still feel a little haunted by those nightmares today. They were the worst kind of nightmares, playing on my deepest fears and terrifying me to the core. That kind of thing can't be shaken off easily.
I'm trying to tell myself that this is a sign that I need to stay focused, and remain my own biggest and best support. I didn't have anyone there to hug me and kiss me in the middle of the night....but I survived, didn't I? I have to rely on others less and on myself more......
Me. I need to rely on me. That's the whole point of this whole self-discovery crap, isn't it????
Ugh.
Of course, "alone" usually does mean having a 3 year old (and sometimes a 5 year old) in my bed before morning...but still, it's not the same.
I woke up at 2:30 this morning, overheated from too many blankets (I was cold when I went to bed) after having had a nightmare. I don't have nightmares all that often, but usually when I do, they are terrifying. And last night was one of them. So terrifying, in fact, that it took me some time to shake off the fear so that I could make it down the hall to the bathroom. For once I didn't even have a child in my bed to cling to for comfort once I returned, either.
I managed to shake it off and get back to sleep, shivering in my too-warm bed, and wishing that I wasn't alone.
The worst part is that before morning, I had another one. Completely terrifying again...but just not enough to wake me up....so I endured the torture in my sleep.
When I finally did wake up, it was wishing that I had someone there for comfort...but again, not even having a flailing child there with me. I wrapped the blankets around me more closely and stared at the wall until I hear Mo get up and start tooling around upstairs. At least this time it was morning.
I still feel a little haunted by those nightmares today. They were the worst kind of nightmares, playing on my deepest fears and terrifying me to the core. That kind of thing can't be shaken off easily.
I'm trying to tell myself that this is a sign that I need to stay focused, and remain my own biggest and best support. I didn't have anyone there to hug me and kiss me in the middle of the night....but I survived, didn't I? I have to rely on others less and on myself more......
Me. I need to rely on me. That's the whole point of this whole self-discovery crap, isn't it????
Ugh.
Thursday, December 25, 2008
A Christmas Gift to Myself
This morning after all the gifts were unwrapped and Christmas morning pancakes were eaten, I decided to give myself a little gift - I got ready and went for a run.
It's a beautiful day out there. It's incredibly mild, the sun is shining, the streets are pretty quiet. I just went for a short 5 k, but it was so wonderful to do it. It wasn't done out of guilt, it wasn't done out of a worry about the calories from the turkey dinner later to come. I didn't do it because I "should" do it....I did it purely as a gift to myself. A gift of quiet and physical exertion and time to think and just be alone with myself. I had my tunes and I just ran...for the pure joy of it...something I haven't been making enough time for this past year.
I did a lot of thinking....thinking about this past year, where I was a year ago compared to where I am right now. I still have a lot of work to do in order to get where I want to be, but I feel like I'm on the right road...and it's very exciting. This morning's gift to myself was a symbol of my commitment to myself to keep moving in a positive direction.
Today I gave a gift of love....to me. From me.
The best gift I've received this Christmas.
It's a beautiful day out there. It's incredibly mild, the sun is shining, the streets are pretty quiet. I just went for a short 5 k, but it was so wonderful to do it. It wasn't done out of guilt, it wasn't done out of a worry about the calories from the turkey dinner later to come. I didn't do it because I "should" do it....I did it purely as a gift to myself. A gift of quiet and physical exertion and time to think and just be alone with myself. I had my tunes and I just ran...for the pure joy of it...something I haven't been making enough time for this past year.
I did a lot of thinking....thinking about this past year, where I was a year ago compared to where I am right now. I still have a lot of work to do in order to get where I want to be, but I feel like I'm on the right road...and it's very exciting. This morning's gift to myself was a symbol of my commitment to myself to keep moving in a positive direction.
Today I gave a gift of love....to me. From me.
The best gift I've received this Christmas.
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
A Little Lenny......
Yes, Lenny *does* make it a little bit better.
Life is just a lonely highway
I'm out here on the open road
I'm old enough to see behind me
But young enough to feel my soul
I don't wanna lose you baby
And I don't wanna be alone
Don't wanna live my days without you
But for now I've got to be without you
I've got a pocket full of money
And pocket full of keys that have no bounds
But then I think of lovin'
And I just can't get you off of my mind
Babe can't you see
That this is killing me
I don't want to push you baby
And I don't want you to be told
It's just that I can't breathe without you
Feel like I'm gonna lose control
I've got a pocket full of money oh yes I do
And a pocket full of keys that have no bounds
But when it comes to lovin'
I just can't get you off of my mind, yeaaah
Am I a fool to think that there's a little hope
Yeah yeahhhhhheee yeah
Tell me baby, yeah
What are the rules the reasons and the do's and don'ts
Yeah yeahhhhhheee yeah
Tell me baby tell me baby, yeah
What do you feel inside?
I've got a pocket full of money
And a pocket full of keys that have no bounds
Oh yeah
But when it comes down to lovin'
I just can't get you off of my mind, yeah
I just can't get you off of my mind, yeah.
I'm out here on the open road
I'm old enough to see behind me
But young enough to feel my soul
I don't wanna lose you baby
And I don't wanna be alone
Don't wanna live my days without you
But for now I've got to be without you
I've got a pocket full of money
And pocket full of keys that have no bounds
But then I think of lovin'
And I just can't get you off of my mind
Babe can't you see
That this is killing me
I don't want to push you baby
And I don't want you to be told
It's just that I can't breathe without you
Feel like I'm gonna lose control
I've got a pocket full of money oh yes I do
And a pocket full of keys that have no bounds
But when it comes to lovin'
I just can't get you off of my mind, yeaaah
Am I a fool to think that there's a little hope
Yeah yeahhhhhheee yeah
Tell me baby, yeah
What are the rules the reasons and the do's and don'ts
Yeah yeahhhhhheee yeah
Tell me baby tell me baby, yeah
What do you feel inside?
I've got a pocket full of money
And a pocket full of keys that have no bounds
Oh yeah
But when it comes down to lovin'
I just can't get you off of my mind, yeah
I just can't get you off of my mind, yeah.
Christmas Eve thoughts
I don't talk a lot about the fact that I have very few happy Christmas memories from my childhood.
The truth is, most of my childhood Christmas memories are actually kind of shitty, if I'm going to be 100% honest about it. I can't remember if I talked about it here before, but my Dad was what I call a "Weekend Alcoholic". The man had a drinking problem that only emerged on weekends and holidays, when he had the luxury of indulging in it. Christmas Day was usually a crap shoot - he could be drinking and jovial, drinking and angry, or hung over and angry. The odds of him being in a bad mood was always greater than him being in a good one. The odds of my parents having some sort of an argument or upset were pretty high.
Add to this the fact that he and my mother were not happy together. My mom's version of things was that Dad was a tyrant and a bully, and as a kid I believed that, but with some adult perspective and a little distance, I can see where Mom had a significant hand in the Christmas misery herself.
I learned how to tiptoe a lot. How to be as invisible as possible, because drawing any sort of attention meant either bearing the brunt of my dad's anger, or being audience to my mother's complaints about him.
I distinctly remember crying on more than one Christmas Day.
When the holidays approach now, I always experience more than a little bit of apprehension. I never wanted my children to experience the same kind of sadness and upset on Christmas Day that I did. And yet, as Christmas Day hurtles toward us this year, I have a feeling that it's going to be a less than stellar day for them.
I cried today, thinking about how those girls of mine deserve better than what I had. I cried thinking about how I wish I could give them what I didn't have, growing up. I cried thinking that there will likely be some sort of conflict arise between C and I tomorrow, as there always seems to when we're forced to spend too much time in one another's company.
It's going to be a long day....and I find myself wishing that it passes quickly. I want it to pass quickly so that I don't have to be haunted with my own memories of an unhappy childhood. If it passes quickly, then maybe there will be less opportunity for us to screw it up for the girls. If it passes quickly, then I will have another whole year before I have to deal with it again.
And yet, I don't want that, either. I would love to be able to love the holidays and enjoy spending time with my loved ones. Maybe that's too tall of an order for this year... Maybe I just need to focus on "getting by". Right now that feels like all I can do.
The truth is, most of my childhood Christmas memories are actually kind of shitty, if I'm going to be 100% honest about it. I can't remember if I talked about it here before, but my Dad was what I call a "Weekend Alcoholic". The man had a drinking problem that only emerged on weekends and holidays, when he had the luxury of indulging in it. Christmas Day was usually a crap shoot - he could be drinking and jovial, drinking and angry, or hung over and angry. The odds of him being in a bad mood was always greater than him being in a good one. The odds of my parents having some sort of an argument or upset were pretty high.
Add to this the fact that he and my mother were not happy together. My mom's version of things was that Dad was a tyrant and a bully, and as a kid I believed that, but with some adult perspective and a little distance, I can see where Mom had a significant hand in the Christmas misery herself.
I learned how to tiptoe a lot. How to be as invisible as possible, because drawing any sort of attention meant either bearing the brunt of my dad's anger, or being audience to my mother's complaints about him.
I distinctly remember crying on more than one Christmas Day.
When the holidays approach now, I always experience more than a little bit of apprehension. I never wanted my children to experience the same kind of sadness and upset on Christmas Day that I did. And yet, as Christmas Day hurtles toward us this year, I have a feeling that it's going to be a less than stellar day for them.
I cried today, thinking about how those girls of mine deserve better than what I had. I cried thinking about how I wish I could give them what I didn't have, growing up. I cried thinking that there will likely be some sort of conflict arise between C and I tomorrow, as there always seems to when we're forced to spend too much time in one another's company.
It's going to be a long day....and I find myself wishing that it passes quickly. I want it to pass quickly so that I don't have to be haunted with my own memories of an unhappy childhood. If it passes quickly, then maybe there will be less opportunity for us to screw it up for the girls. If it passes quickly, then I will have another whole year before I have to deal with it again.
And yet, I don't want that, either. I would love to be able to love the holidays and enjoy spending time with my loved ones. Maybe that's too tall of an order for this year... Maybe I just need to focus on "getting by". Right now that feels like all I can do.
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
On The Bound
God, I love Fiona Apple (Thanks, Nicole, for getting me onto her).
I heard this song on last.fm today and was struck by how much the lyrics seemed to be written just for me, for how I'm feeling today....
I heard this song on last.fm today and was struck by how much the lyrics seemed to be written just for me, for how I'm feeling today....
Oh my life is on the know
Hail the pages turning
And then the future's on the bound
Hell don't know my fury
You're all I need, you're all I need, you're all I need
You're all I need, you're all I need, you're all I need
You're all I need
And maybe some faith would do me good
I don't know what I'm doing
Don't know should I change my mind
I can't decide, there's too many variations to consider
Nothing I do don't do nothing but bring me more to do It's true, I do imbue my blue unto myself,
I make it bitter
Baby, lay your head on my lap one more time
Tell me you belong to me
Baby say that it's all gonna be alright
I believe that it isn't.
You're all I need, you're all I need, you're all I need
You're all I need, you're all I need, you're all I need
Youre all I need
And maybe some faith would do me good
Hail the pages turning
And then the future's on the bound
Hell don't know my fury
You're all I need, you're all I need, you're all I need
You're all I need, you're all I need, you're all I need
You're all I need
And maybe some faith would do me good
I don't know what I'm doing
Don't know should I change my mind
I can't decide, there's too many variations to consider
Nothing I do don't do nothing but bring me more to do It's true, I do imbue my blue unto myself,
I make it bitter
Baby, lay your head on my lap one more time
Tell me you belong to me
Baby say that it's all gonna be alright
I believe that it isn't.
You're all I need, you're all I need, you're all I need
You're all I need, you're all I need, you're all I need
Youre all I need
And maybe some faith would do me good
Wow.........
Well, internets, I survived.
This past weekend was full of surprises....the biggest of them likely being the NINETEEN HOUR power outage due to the winter storm on Sunday night.
That's right, peeps, I said NINETEEN HOURS.
NINETEEN HOURS of no television for the kids and no running water. Thank God my mom has a propane stove for cooking and a wood stove for heat. So honestly, it could have been worse. At least we had hot food and warm toes.
The worst part of the 19 hours was listening to my mom complain. Man, that woman sure can bitch. Repeatedly. About the same.freaking.things. Over and over and over and over and over and ........
Well. You get the point. It's my mom that likes to beat dead horses, not me. heh
In any case, up until the power outage, the visit was okay. My mom was kind and understanding about all the stress in my life lately. One thing I can say about her, she's got a fierce loyalty when it comes to her kids. To the point where I found myself actually defending my ex against her, much to her disgust. I mean, hell. I may not want to be married to the guy, but I don't think he's an evil bastard, either. Ah well....her heart is in the right place, I guess.
Some positives from the weekend:
- I was well-fed all weekend. One thing I can say about my mom, and that's that she likes to make sure her houseguests are well fed. And well fed I was.
- Mom let me suck pillow in bed for an extra hour every morning while she gave the girls breakfast and kept them amused. Nice!
- I had my iPod with me and was able to listen to some tunes every night as I fell asleep. YAY!
- One of my sisters presented me with, hands down, the best Christmas gift I will get this year. A Kermit doll exactly like the one I had as a kid. I don't think she has any idea how much Kermit means to me...I actually got a little weepy. It was particularly touching coming from this sister, since she and I aren't all that close. I felt like, if even just a little bit, maybe she "gets" me after all.
- I got to meet my great-nephew, Parker, and have a bit of a "baby fix". I may be done having children of my own, but I am one of those women who immediately craves being drooled on as soon as I get in a 10-foot radius of a baby. I got several huge, gummy grins from him too. I instantly fell in love. And yes, I may have sniffed him once or twice. But that's all I'm gonna say.
- I was able to stand up for myself. When my mother started in on me a little too hard last night (while the power was still out), I just went to bed. I decided that it wasn't worth it to try and prove anything to her, and so, I just shut her out. Goodnight, mom! Sit and stew by yourself. I'm not going to let you wear me down.
Yeah, there were negatives, too. Like the already mentioned incessant bitching from my mother, about everything from postal workers to the power company to the snow, to various family members. Ugh! That woman oozes negativity. No wonder I am the way I am, really. For the most part, I did my best to just let her attitude slide off me. There's no point in trying to change her - I don't think it's going to happen. I can't control how she chooses to behave, either. The only thing that I can control is my own behaviour, and how I allow her to affect me.
It's funny, that's a lesson that the universe seems to really want to drive home with me lately. The good news is, it's working....and today I'm just in the right frame of mind to be grateful for that.
This past weekend was full of surprises....the biggest of them likely being the NINETEEN HOUR power outage due to the winter storm on Sunday night.
That's right, peeps, I said NINETEEN HOURS.
NINETEEN HOURS of no television for the kids and no running water. Thank God my mom has a propane stove for cooking and a wood stove for heat. So honestly, it could have been worse. At least we had hot food and warm toes.
The worst part of the 19 hours was listening to my mom complain. Man, that woman sure can bitch. Repeatedly. About the same.freaking.things. Over and over and over and over and over and ........
Well. You get the point. It's my mom that likes to beat dead horses, not me. heh
In any case, up until the power outage, the visit was okay. My mom was kind and understanding about all the stress in my life lately. One thing I can say about her, she's got a fierce loyalty when it comes to her kids. To the point where I found myself actually defending my ex against her, much to her disgust. I mean, hell. I may not want to be married to the guy, but I don't think he's an evil bastard, either. Ah well....her heart is in the right place, I guess.
Some positives from the weekend:
- I was well-fed all weekend. One thing I can say about my mom, and that's that she likes to make sure her houseguests are well fed. And well fed I was.
- Mom let me suck pillow in bed for an extra hour every morning while she gave the girls breakfast and kept them amused. Nice!
- I had my iPod with me and was able to listen to some tunes every night as I fell asleep. YAY!
- One of my sisters presented me with, hands down, the best Christmas gift I will get this year. A Kermit doll exactly like the one I had as a kid. I don't think she has any idea how much Kermit means to me...I actually got a little weepy. It was particularly touching coming from this sister, since she and I aren't all that close. I felt like, if even just a little bit, maybe she "gets" me after all.
- I got to meet my great-nephew, Parker, and have a bit of a "baby fix". I may be done having children of my own, but I am one of those women who immediately craves being drooled on as soon as I get in a 10-foot radius of a baby. I got several huge, gummy grins from him too. I instantly fell in love. And yes, I may have sniffed him once or twice. But that's all I'm gonna say.
- I was able to stand up for myself. When my mother started in on me a little too hard last night (while the power was still out), I just went to bed. I decided that it wasn't worth it to try and prove anything to her, and so, I just shut her out. Goodnight, mom! Sit and stew by yourself. I'm not going to let you wear me down.
Yeah, there were negatives, too. Like the already mentioned incessant bitching from my mother, about everything from postal workers to the power company to the snow, to various family members. Ugh! That woman oozes negativity. No wonder I am the way I am, really. For the most part, I did my best to just let her attitude slide off me. There's no point in trying to change her - I don't think it's going to happen. I can't control how she chooses to behave, either. The only thing that I can control is my own behaviour, and how I allow her to affect me.
It's funny, that's a lesson that the universe seems to really want to drive home with me lately. The good news is, it's working....and today I'm just in the right frame of mind to be grateful for that.
Saturday, December 20, 2008
A Visit With Mom...
In about an hour or so, the girls and I are leaving to spend a couple of days with my mother.
I am not looking forward to it.
This is the first visit I've had with her without a "male buffer" (i.e. "C") in about 5 or 6 years. I'm worried that she's going to take advantage of my vulnerability to speak her mind too freely, and ultimately make me feel rotten. She's an extremely negative person, and I am vulnerable to other people's moods...particularly hers. We have a long history of co-dependence that I haven't entirely broken away from.
I have been preparing myself for this visit for a while now. The key will be to remain on my guard, not give her too much, and throw up a protective barrier as soon as she pushes me too hard. I used to feel bad that I couldn't "be myself" with my mother, but over the years I have realized that the responsibility for that rests with her, not me. She's not compassionate and understanding enough to be trusted with something as fragile as my heart. Those are her choices that create that situation. All I can do is what's best for me.
If nothing else, this weekend will be a good test of the "new and improved" Mama Scarlet, who is going to do what's best for her. I'm more than a little nervous about how it's going to go.
Pray for my soul, people. Pray.for.my.soul.
heh
I am not looking forward to it.
This is the first visit I've had with her without a "male buffer" (i.e. "C") in about 5 or 6 years. I'm worried that she's going to take advantage of my vulnerability to speak her mind too freely, and ultimately make me feel rotten. She's an extremely negative person, and I am vulnerable to other people's moods...particularly hers. We have a long history of co-dependence that I haven't entirely broken away from.
I have been preparing myself for this visit for a while now. The key will be to remain on my guard, not give her too much, and throw up a protective barrier as soon as she pushes me too hard. I used to feel bad that I couldn't "be myself" with my mother, but over the years I have realized that the responsibility for that rests with her, not me. She's not compassionate and understanding enough to be trusted with something as fragile as my heart. Those are her choices that create that situation. All I can do is what's best for me.
If nothing else, this weekend will be a good test of the "new and improved" Mama Scarlet, who is going to do what's best for her. I'm more than a little nervous about how it's going to go.
Pray for my soul, people. Pray.for.my.soul.
heh
Friday, December 19, 2008
No, I'm NOT finished my shopping, thanks for asking....
More shopping today.
Fa la la la la....blah blah blah.....BAH!
Thursday, December 18, 2008
I Hope You Dance.....
I am *not* normally a country music fan....not at all, really. When it comes to this song, it's the lyrics that get me....I cry every single time I hear this ....I can only think of one other song that's ever done that to me.
Now, more than ever, the lyrics really speak to me. Hearing this song this morning has turned me into a complete bawl-bag more than once...
Now, more than ever, the lyrics really speak to me. Hearing this song this morning has turned me into a complete bawl-bag more than once...
I hope you never lose your sense of wonder
You get your fill to eat
But always keep that hunger
May you never take one single breath for granted
God forbid love ever leave you empty handed
I hope you still feel small
When you stand by the ocean
Whenever one door closes, I hope one more opens
Promise me you'll give faith a fighting chance
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance
I hope you dance
I hope you dance
I hope you never fear those mountains in the distance
Never settle for the path of least resistance
Living might mean taking chances
But they're worth taking
Lovin' might be a mistake
But it's worth making
Don't let some hell bent heart
Leave you bitter
When you come close to selling out
Reconsider
Give the heavens above
More than just a passing glance
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance
I hope you dance
(Time is a real and constant motion always)
I hope you dance
(Rolling us along)
I hope you dance
(Tell me who)
I hope you dance
(Wants to look back on their youth and wonder)
(Where those years have gone)
I hope you still feel small
When you stand by the ocean
Whenever one door closes, I hope one more opens
Promise me you'll give faith a fighting chance
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance
Dance
I hope you dance
I hope you dance
(Time is a real and constant motion always)
I hope you dance
(Rolling us along)
I hope you dance
(Tell me who)
(Wants to look back on their youth and wonder)
I hope you dance
(Where those years have gone)
(Tell me who)
I hope you dance
(Wants to look back on their youth and wonder)
(Where those years have gone)
You get your fill to eat
But always keep that hunger
May you never take one single breath for granted
God forbid love ever leave you empty handed
I hope you still feel small
When you stand by the ocean
Whenever one door closes, I hope one more opens
Promise me you'll give faith a fighting chance
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance
I hope you dance
I hope you dance
I hope you never fear those mountains in the distance
Never settle for the path of least resistance
Living might mean taking chances
But they're worth taking
Lovin' might be a mistake
But it's worth making
Don't let some hell bent heart
Leave you bitter
When you come close to selling out
Reconsider
Give the heavens above
More than just a passing glance
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance
I hope you dance
(Time is a real and constant motion always)
I hope you dance
(Rolling us along)
I hope you dance
(Tell me who)
I hope you dance
(Wants to look back on their youth and wonder)
(Where those years have gone)
I hope you still feel small
When you stand by the ocean
Whenever one door closes, I hope one more opens
Promise me you'll give faith a fighting chance
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance
Dance
I hope you dance
I hope you dance
(Time is a real and constant motion always)
I hope you dance
(Rolling us along)
I hope you dance
(Tell me who)
(Wants to look back on their youth and wonder)
I hope you dance
(Where those years have gone)
(Tell me who)
I hope you dance
(Wants to look back on their youth and wonder)
(Where those years have gone)
Heart vs. Head
My personality is such that I am ruled more by my heart than my head. My tendency is toward emotion, "gut-instinct", and intuition in many situations....I wear my heart on my sleeve and often react from an emotional place first, rather than a logical one.
In our society, these traits aren't necessarily valued as much as they should be. Growing up, I was labelled "dramatic", "emotional" and "over-sensitive". Listening to my heart was taught to me to be a bad thing. The message that I learned, very quickly, that my own instincts, my own feelings, were not to be trusted.
Now that I'm older, I still struggle with this whole head/heart dilemma. I am still very much more an emotional rather than a logical person. That's not to say that I don't still use my head....but when it comes to the important things in life, it's my heart that usually leads the way first. The problem is that I still have difficulty relying on my own perceptions of my experiences, my own feelings...thanks to a childhood where I was taught to believe that my feelings weren't to be trusted....and years of messages as an adult that my emotions in certain situations were actually wrong.
I still struggle with this -- looking to other to validate my feelings about any given situation. Constantly doubting myself (should I be feeling 'this'?) and looking to others to confirm or deny what I'm experiencing (is it okay to feel 'this way'?). It happened earlier today, in fact, when a phone conversation with a friend had me doubting my situation, myself, and my feelings ("Maybe this friend can see things more clearly than I can...even though she doesn't know everything about the situation....").
One thing I've figured out in all of this is that our emotions simply are. They aren't right or wrong, they just are. It's what's done (or sometimes NOT done) with those emotions that is the important part. I've spent too many years feeling guilty for my feelings, trying to feel a different way in a given situation. It's pointless. Our feelings are what they are...the best we can hope for is to accept them, nurture them, and make the best decisions that we can with what we've got.
I'll be the first to admit that living an emotionally sensitive life can lead to a lot of heartache. I can sometimes feel that heartache pretty intensely, in fact. But the flipside is that my ability to feel - and feel intensely - gives me greater capacity to feel the positive emotions, too....and my perception of the "good stuff" - excitement, love, joy....are such that they're worth wading through the garbage to get to.
What this all boils down to, folks, is that I'm tired of not trusting my own perceptions. I keep forgetting, over and over, one really important factor in all of this : This is MY life. I can't expect other people to keep guiding me and propping me up the whole way through it. I'm 34 years old, and it's time for me to start trusting me -- my thoughts, my perceptions, and most importantly (to me) my feelings.
One thing I do know for sure is that at the end of my life, I don't want to be on my deathbed thinking that I wish I had just listened to my heart a little bit more. I need to start trusting in myself....this is all too important not to.
In our society, these traits aren't necessarily valued as much as they should be. Growing up, I was labelled "dramatic", "emotional" and "over-sensitive". Listening to my heart was taught to me to be a bad thing. The message that I learned, very quickly, that my own instincts, my own feelings, were not to be trusted.
Now that I'm older, I still struggle with this whole head/heart dilemma. I am still very much more an emotional rather than a logical person. That's not to say that I don't still use my head....but when it comes to the important things in life, it's my heart that usually leads the way first. The problem is that I still have difficulty relying on my own perceptions of my experiences, my own feelings...thanks to a childhood where I was taught to believe that my feelings weren't to be trusted....and years of messages as an adult that my emotions in certain situations were actually wrong.
I still struggle with this -- looking to other to validate my feelings about any given situation. Constantly doubting myself (should I be feeling 'this'?) and looking to others to confirm or deny what I'm experiencing (is it okay to feel 'this way'?). It happened earlier today, in fact, when a phone conversation with a friend had me doubting my situation, myself, and my feelings ("Maybe this friend can see things more clearly than I can...even though she doesn't know everything about the situation....").
One thing I've figured out in all of this is that our emotions simply are. They aren't right or wrong, they just are. It's what's done (or sometimes NOT done) with those emotions that is the important part. I've spent too many years feeling guilty for my feelings, trying to feel a different way in a given situation. It's pointless. Our feelings are what they are...the best we can hope for is to accept them, nurture them, and make the best decisions that we can with what we've got.
I'll be the first to admit that living an emotionally sensitive life can lead to a lot of heartache. I can sometimes feel that heartache pretty intensely, in fact. But the flipside is that my ability to feel - and feel intensely - gives me greater capacity to feel the positive emotions, too....and my perception of the "good stuff" - excitement, love, joy....are such that they're worth wading through the garbage to get to.
What this all boils down to, folks, is that I'm tired of not trusting my own perceptions. I keep forgetting, over and over, one really important factor in all of this : This is MY life. I can't expect other people to keep guiding me and propping me up the whole way through it. I'm 34 years old, and it's time for me to start trusting me -- my thoughts, my perceptions, and most importantly (to me) my feelings.
One thing I do know for sure is that at the end of my life, I don't want to be on my deathbed thinking that I wish I had just listened to my heart a little bit more. I need to start trusting in myself....this is all too important not to.
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
Today
I think the last time I looked at the clock last night it was 3:45 a.m.
I really resent turning into an insomniac. I always used to be the person who slept TOO MUCH when there was something on my mind.
Stupid brain.
Damn heart.
Today might be the day that I curl up into a ball in the corner and think of reasons why I should run away.
I'm trying to fight it, honestly, I really am...but it's so hard. Some days, and it would seem that today is one of them, the negativity is overwhelming.
Thanks for *that* particular trait, mom. Being able to always look on the dark side is one of the many gifts that you bestowed upon me......
I really resent turning into an insomniac. I always used to be the person who slept TOO MUCH when there was something on my mind.
Stupid brain.
Damn heart.
Today might be the day that I curl up into a ball in the corner and think of reasons why I should run away.
I'm trying to fight it, honestly, I really am...but it's so hard. Some days, and it would seem that today is one of them, the negativity is overwhelming.
Thanks for *that* particular trait, mom. Being able to always look on the dark side is one of the many gifts that you bestowed upon me......
All I Neeeeeeeeeeeeeed...................................
"Dear Blog:
I wonder how many people on the planet can actually still sing ALL the words to this song....?"
So far, the count is at two....
I wonder how many people on the planet can actually still sing ALL the words to this song....?"
So far, the count is at two....
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
The Insecurity Continues....
I'm really fighting the urge to run away and hide right now.
Despite my current lack of employment, I am able to see that I am surrounded by a lot of goodness in my life. I am suspicious and untrusting of it. I am trying to over-analyze it, pick it apart, keep people at a distance...keep the goodness at a distance.
Last night I came home after the interview from hell and had a brief chat with H, who did his best to cheer me up. Then I immersed myself in Dexter and some chocolate. It didn't have the desired effect. As I was on my way to bed, I phoned T, who managed to make me laugh, and briefly forget about the fact that I'm feeling completely and utterly pathetic right now.
Of course, after hanging up the phone and turning out the light I was left with one penetrating thought.
I don't deserve the good things.
It's gonna be a long day, people. I don't think there's enough chocolate around to make this one better.........
Despite my current lack of employment, I am able to see that I am surrounded by a lot of goodness in my life. I am suspicious and untrusting of it. I am trying to over-analyze it, pick it apart, keep people at a distance...keep the goodness at a distance.
Last night I came home after the interview from hell and had a brief chat with H, who did his best to cheer me up. Then I immersed myself in Dexter and some chocolate. It didn't have the desired effect. As I was on my way to bed, I phoned T, who managed to make me laugh, and briefly forget about the fact that I'm feeling completely and utterly pathetic right now.
Of course, after hanging up the phone and turning out the light I was left with one penetrating thought.
I don't deserve the good things.
It's gonna be a long day, people. I don't think there's enough chocolate around to make this one better.........
Kid Quote of the Day
Yesterday, Mo came to me with a piece that had broken off a pair of dress up shoes. She looked quite concerned as she stood in front of me and said:
"Mommy? Something just happened that's not necessarily good."
heh. Guess Em and I aren't the only "word people" around here....
"Mommy? Something just happened that's not necessarily good."
heh. Guess Em and I aren't the only "word people" around here....
Monday, December 15, 2008
Tonight's Job Interview Brought to You By.....
The 8,000,000 reasons why Mama S sucks.
I feel like I'm gonna be stuck in hell forever.
Maybe I really do deserve it.
I feel like I'm gonna be stuck in hell forever.
Maybe I really do deserve it.
Insecurity....
Today, after having a really great weekend, I can feel the insecurity settling into my very bones. I've been holding it at bay for a while...it was only a matter of time before it finally caught up with me.
There are too many obstacles.
There are too many complications.
There's too much potential for hurt for too many people.
I can't be responsible for someone else's happiness or unhappiness.
There are too many fears.
I'm not good enough.
I don't deserve to be happy.
I don't deserve to be happy.
I don't deserve to be happy.
There are too many obstacles.
There are too many complications.
There's too much potential for hurt for too many people.
I can't be responsible for someone else's happiness or unhappiness.
There are too many fears.
I'm not good enough.
I don't deserve to be happy.
I don't deserve to be happy.
I don't deserve to be happy.
Back to Reality.....
I got a big 'ole smack in the face with the reality stick this morning. After spending a relaxing and fun weekend with T, it's time to get myself back in the "real world".
I have a bathroom that needs cleaning, groceries to aquire, kids demanding Christmas crafts and other such amusments, a neck that's killing me, Christmas shopping to do....
The good news about returning to reality is that I have a job interview tonight. I'm really excited about this particular opportunity, so please, keep your fingers crossed for me. Landing a job at this point means that I'm that much closer to moving forward with my life...which will be oh-so-much better for everyone.
For now, though, I'm headed out for a run. Not only will my neck thank me for it, but my spirit will, too. It's feeling particularly overloaded these days.
There's a lot on my mind these days, Internets....a lot on my mind.
Stupid reality stick. Next time I think I'm gonna hide that thing....
I have a bathroom that needs cleaning, groceries to aquire, kids demanding Christmas crafts and other such amusments, a neck that's killing me, Christmas shopping to do....
The good news about returning to reality is that I have a job interview tonight. I'm really excited about this particular opportunity, so please, keep your fingers crossed for me. Landing a job at this point means that I'm that much closer to moving forward with my life...which will be oh-so-much better for everyone.
For now, though, I'm headed out for a run. Not only will my neck thank me for it, but my spirit will, too. It's feeling particularly overloaded these days.
There's a lot on my mind these days, Internets....a lot on my mind.
Stupid reality stick. Next time I think I'm gonna hide that thing....
Sunday, December 14, 2008
Happiness is...........
Driving down the road and belting out 80s tunes and eating the best double chocolate chip cookes EVER......
Saturday, December 13, 2008
Thursday, December 11, 2008
At My Wit's End.....
I'm at a point with the mess in this house that I'm about ready to lose it.
My main issue is - you guessed it - toys around the house. The girls can positively trash the entire downstairs in less than an hour flat...and then when it comes time to help clean it up...guess what? They whine, bellyache, and goof around until I'm ready to tear out my hair.
I've reached a point where I'm not even sure what to do anymore. Several months ago, most of their toys got moved upstairs to live in the playroom and their bedroom (both of which are ALWAYS messy, but that's another battle for another day). With relatively few things downstairs, one would assume that the messes would be minor - HAH! The Playmobil stuff, wooden blocks, play food and dishes, Thomas the Train stuff, felt people, Lego blocks, books, Polly Pockets, wooden castle playset and art supplies all live in the downstairs area of our house. And of course....they get dragged all over the place.
At 3 1/2 and 5 1/2, I firmly believe that the girls can and should be helping to clean up the messes they make.
The problem comes with actually getting them to do it. I've tried making it fun, by playing music and cleaning with them. I've tried making it a game, by setting the timer and seeing if we can get it cleaned up before the timer goes off. I've tried punishments and removal of priviledges. All of these things work for a while, but eventually it reaches a point where it's too much effort and headache to actually get them to help.
I'm ready to tear out my hair here, people. I'm at the end of my rope and looking for suggestions..................................................
.....anyone have any brilliant ideas?
My main issue is - you guessed it - toys around the house. The girls can positively trash the entire downstairs in less than an hour flat...and then when it comes time to help clean it up...guess what? They whine, bellyache, and goof around until I'm ready to tear out my hair.
I've reached a point where I'm not even sure what to do anymore. Several months ago, most of their toys got moved upstairs to live in the playroom and their bedroom (both of which are ALWAYS messy, but that's another battle for another day). With relatively few things downstairs, one would assume that the messes would be minor - HAH! The Playmobil stuff, wooden blocks, play food and dishes, Thomas the Train stuff, felt people, Lego blocks, books, Polly Pockets, wooden castle playset and art supplies all live in the downstairs area of our house. And of course....they get dragged all over the place.
At 3 1/2 and 5 1/2, I firmly believe that the girls can and should be helping to clean up the messes they make.
The problem comes with actually getting them to do it. I've tried making it fun, by playing music and cleaning with them. I've tried making it a game, by setting the timer and seeing if we can get it cleaned up before the timer goes off. I've tried punishments and removal of priviledges. All of these things work for a while, but eventually it reaches a point where it's too much effort and headache to actually get them to help.
I'm ready to tear out my hair here, people. I'm at the end of my rope and looking for suggestions..................................................
.....anyone have any brilliant ideas?
The Best Way to Wake Up....
I can think of few better ways to wake up in the morning with snuggles from Mo. She usually wanders into my bed in the middle of the night most nights, which I don't really object to. We never officially "co-slept" with either one of the girls, but always had an "open-bed" policy for whenever they needed it.
So...yeah. It's been a rare night in the last 5 1/2 years that I haven't had one or both kids in my bed.
This morning when Mo woke up she was snugglier than usual. She woke up early....about 6:30, and after my late night last night (despite my best efforts to get to bed early), I woke up feeling pretty groggy.
We laid in bed snuggling and talking a bit in our made-up "gibberish" language. Then, out of nowhere, I got the world's biggest hug, and Mo said sweetly, "You're the best mommy in the whole world."
Wow.
Thanks for making my day, kid. I love you, too.
So...yeah. It's been a rare night in the last 5 1/2 years that I haven't had one or both kids in my bed.
This morning when Mo woke up she was snugglier than usual. She woke up early....about 6:30, and after my late night last night (despite my best efforts to get to bed early), I woke up feeling pretty groggy.
We laid in bed snuggling and talking a bit in our made-up "gibberish" language. Then, out of nowhere, I got the world's biggest hug, and Mo said sweetly, "You're the best mommy in the whole world."
Wow.
Thanks for making my day, kid. I love you, too.
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
The Kid's Got a Point.....
This morning as the girls were getting ready to go to the pool with their Dad, Mo came to me, carrying a pair of underpants.
"Mama, I don't want these ones any more. We can get rid of them."
"Really, honey? Why not? Those undies are fine."
"It have Winnie the Pooh on them and I don't like Winnie the Pooh."
I was a bit suprised - this was certainly news to me.
"Really, honey, why not?"
"Wellllll.....him kinda weird."
"Weird?"
"Yeah....him always walking around with a shirt but no pants."
And hey - who am I to argue with THAT, really? If that's not a reason not to feel particularly comfortable around someone, well, I don't know what is.....
"Mama, I don't want these ones any more. We can get rid of them."
"Really, honey? Why not? Those undies are fine."
"It have Winnie the Pooh on them and I don't like Winnie the Pooh."
I was a bit suprised - this was certainly news to me.
"Really, honey, why not?"
"Wellllll.....him kinda weird."
"Weird?"
"Yeah....him always walking around with a shirt but no pants."
And hey - who am I to argue with THAT, really? If that's not a reason not to feel particularly comfortable around someone, well, I don't know what is.....
Insomnia
It's funny....I've never been prone to insomnia before. But now, every once in a while, I find myself tossing and turning, unable to sleep...or when I DO sleep, it's never that good quality, "dead-to-the-world" kind of sleep that I used to have....even when I had a lot on my mind. Actually, I used to sometimes sleep BETTER when I had too much on my mind...it was a good avoidance tactic.
I don't know if it's my age or what, but I am finding myself less and less able to do that these days.
It took me a good long while to fall asleep last night. I had another visit from Jimmy, which prevented me from falling asleep right away, and then after that I tossed and turned for a good long while before finally drifting on.
There's a lot on my mind right now. The main thing that's bothering me, truly, is how much people suck.... and how you often only ever *think* you know someone....
I don't know if it's my age or what, but I am finding myself less and less able to do that these days.
It took me a good long while to fall asleep last night. I had another visit from Jimmy, which prevented me from falling asleep right away, and then after that I tossed and turned for a good long while before finally drifting on.
There's a lot on my mind right now. The main thing that's bothering me, truly, is how much people suck.... and how you often only ever *think* you know someone....
Monday, December 8, 2008
Disappointment
Let's face it, people, break-ups are ugly. I mean, even though my break up with C wasn't particularly ugly, it has it's days when it certainly goes down that road.
Today was one of them.
I'm not going to go into specifics; we've got mutual friends who read this blog and so that's just not cool.
One of the things I'm thinking about tonight is the "residual ugliness" that comes along with a break up. Specifically, the division of friends.
You hear about that phenomenon....when mutual friends "take sides", or are uncomfortable with one partner or the other for whatever reason. Tonight I'm feeling the sting of that. I'm feeling a lot of disappointment...disappointment in people that I thought were above that kind of thing. People that I believed in more than I've ever believed in anyone. It's hard not to take it personally. Again, no details, but I'm feeling pretty "out in the cold"...to the point where if it weren't for the girls, I'm probably pack my bags and leave the city. And that's a pretty crappy feeling.
I guess that's the danger in putting people up on a pedestal. We're all just human after all.
Today was one of them.
I'm not going to go into specifics; we've got mutual friends who read this blog and so that's just not cool.
One of the things I'm thinking about tonight is the "residual ugliness" that comes along with a break up. Specifically, the division of friends.
You hear about that phenomenon....when mutual friends "take sides", or are uncomfortable with one partner or the other for whatever reason. Tonight I'm feeling the sting of that. I'm feeling a lot of disappointment...disappointment in people that I thought were above that kind of thing. People that I believed in more than I've ever believed in anyone. It's hard not to take it personally. Again, no details, but I'm feeling pretty "out in the cold"...to the point where if it weren't for the girls, I'm probably pack my bags and leave the city. And that's a pretty crappy feeling.
I guess that's the danger in putting people up on a pedestal. We're all just human after all.
Trust
Goddammit.
Just when I thought that I was feeling great, my "trust issues" flare up.
Is it really so hard to believe that a really great guy would just simply be interested in me, and leave it at that? Was it really necessary to go "digging", looking for whatever I could find to cause me reason to doubt him and us?
I guess a part of me felt that it WAS necessary. And well, you can hold pretty much anything against someone if you really want to, huh?
I have a hard time believing in the good when it's happening to me.
I still don't believe in my in my own worth.
I still spend much of days waiting for the bottom to fall out.
I still look at my own happiness with a suspicious eye. In fact, sometimes I even actively sabotage my own happiness.
When am I going to feel worthy?
Just when I thought that I was feeling great, my "trust issues" flare up.
Is it really so hard to believe that a really great guy would just simply be interested in me, and leave it at that? Was it really necessary to go "digging", looking for whatever I could find to cause me reason to doubt him and us?
I guess a part of me felt that it WAS necessary. And well, you can hold pretty much anything against someone if you really want to, huh?
I have a hard time believing in the good when it's happening to me.
I still don't believe in my in my own worth.
I still spend much of days waiting for the bottom to fall out.
I still look at my own happiness with a suspicious eye. In fact, sometimes I even actively sabotage my own happiness.
When am I going to feel worthy?
Sunday, December 7, 2008
It's all about perspective, a positive attitude, and a healthy dose of reality......
So all joking aside about yesterday's date with T, it really was a great day.
Sure, sure, all the things I outlined in last night's entry really DID happen, but none of it took away from the enjoyment of the day.
Oddly enough, some of it actually added to the enjoyment.
So yeah...he was an hour late, due to a nasty nail that punctured one of his tires on the way into the city. I was actually starting to get a little worried...wondering if something bad had happened on the way, maybe he'd gotten lost getting into the city, maybe he was lost inside the market...
It occurred to me that we hadn't done a very good job of planning things. Without a cell phone, I had no way of contacting him. I finally got the idea of borrowing a friend's phone to call him...I was happy and relieved to find out that he was fine, inside the market, and our day could finally begin....
The farmer's market was great. Any of my "regular readers" will know what an important part of my week the market is for me. I love it all - everything from the coffee to the crowds. It was nice to be able to go there with T and share with him some of the reasons why it's so special to me. The best part was that I really had the feeling that he "got it". He had a great time walking along behind me in the crowd, talking quietly in my ear, making me laugh and grin like an idiot....I didn't find out until a little later that he was **totally** keeping a straight face the whole time, making me took like even MORE of a lunatic to the other market-goers. This, of course, made me laugh all the more...
The best part about the market, for me, was how natural it all felt. There was zero "awkwardness" between the two of us. Hanging out with him "in person" was just as comfortable and fun as hanging out with him online.
After the market and dropping off my stuff at home, we had to detour to Canadian Tire. T was completely apologetic and a little embarassed about the whole thing....but honestly, I didn't care. We were having such a good time laughing and chatting away that it totally didn't matter. Lucky for me, he didn't seem to mind (much....heh) at the checkout when I rolled my eyes at him and informed the cashier that no, he didn't need a plastic bag at all, and crammed his purchases into my oversized purse. BAH! He's got a lot to learn about the David Suzuki way....
So he quickly discovered that there was no way he could fix the tire himself, and we were going to have to find a place to get another tire. Again...more apologies by him...which I quickly brushed away...because it really didn't matter. Shit happens, right? All I can say is, thank God for the kind dude who took pity on us and fixed the tire despite the fact that his shop has been closed since February... I love it when I get random surprises by how utterly great people can be sometimes.
After driving all over creation and getting the tire fixed, (T does a much better job of re-capping the whole day on his blog), we were able to continue on with our day. We hit the museum, which was fun despite some of the cheesy exhibits (in fairness to T, we BOTH made fun of some of the exhibits...and we had a blast doing it). We wandered around downtown before the restaurant opened...chatting and laughing and just having a great time. We hit one of the great candy stores we have in the city, my favourite sock store, and just wandered around for a while. I love downtown and doing exactly that...it's one of those things I don't get to do nearly often enough...
Dinner was great. Yeah, I dribbled artichoke dip all over myself. However, as with everything else that had happened during the day, we had a good laugh about it. It was nice to just be with someone and not have to worry about "impressing" them....I just enjoyed being myself, enjoyed him being himself, and relaxed knowing that it was all good.
During the day, not only did we have a lot of laughs together, but we had some good serious conversations as well...everything from our kids, to politics, to the problems with the education system.
It's funny. When I think about the day, I can see all the potential for disaster. Hence last night's blog. I mean, let's face it....with two different people, it could have been a complete and utter disaster. But the thing is, when you're with someone that you really like being around, it's easy to just go with the flow and work with it. It's really easy to have a good time with someone when everything goes as planned. The real challenge comes when things go wrong, and you're able to have fun not just despite it, but because of it. Instead of getting caught up in all the "wrong turns", we just worked with it...and kept smiling the whole time. Whenever I think back to yesterday, I'll remember T standing in that (closed down) tire shop, waiting to see if dude had a tire for him, making silly faces at me through the window as I sat in the car waiting with amusement, to see what was going to happen next. I don't know if I ever smiled as much as I did yesterday.
In fact, I'm still smiling today.
Oh - and PS - I actually LOVED the 80s music. It's one of the many fun things that T and I have in common. I can hardly wait until I feel a little more comfy so he and I can belt 'em out in the car together.....
Sure, sure, all the things I outlined in last night's entry really DID happen, but none of it took away from the enjoyment of the day.
Oddly enough, some of it actually added to the enjoyment.
So yeah...he was an hour late, due to a nasty nail that punctured one of his tires on the way into the city. I was actually starting to get a little worried...wondering if something bad had happened on the way, maybe he'd gotten lost getting into the city, maybe he was lost inside the market...
It occurred to me that we hadn't done a very good job of planning things. Without a cell phone, I had no way of contacting him. I finally got the idea of borrowing a friend's phone to call him...I was happy and relieved to find out that he was fine, inside the market, and our day could finally begin....
The farmer's market was great. Any of my "regular readers" will know what an important part of my week the market is for me. I love it all - everything from the coffee to the crowds. It was nice to be able to go there with T and share with him some of the reasons why it's so special to me. The best part was that I really had the feeling that he "got it". He had a great time walking along behind me in the crowd, talking quietly in my ear, making me laugh and grin like an idiot....I didn't find out until a little later that he was **totally** keeping a straight face the whole time, making me took like even MORE of a lunatic to the other market-goers. This, of course, made me laugh all the more...
The best part about the market, for me, was how natural it all felt. There was zero "awkwardness" between the two of us. Hanging out with him "in person" was just as comfortable and fun as hanging out with him online.
After the market and dropping off my stuff at home, we had to detour to Canadian Tire. T was completely apologetic and a little embarassed about the whole thing....but honestly, I didn't care. We were having such a good time laughing and chatting away that it totally didn't matter. Lucky for me, he didn't seem to mind (much....heh) at the checkout when I rolled my eyes at him and informed the cashier that no, he didn't need a plastic bag at all, and crammed his purchases into my oversized purse. BAH! He's got a lot to learn about the David Suzuki way....
So he quickly discovered that there was no way he could fix the tire himself, and we were going to have to find a place to get another tire. Again...more apologies by him...which I quickly brushed away...because it really didn't matter. Shit happens, right? All I can say is, thank God for the kind dude who took pity on us and fixed the tire despite the fact that his shop has been closed since February... I love it when I get random surprises by how utterly great people can be sometimes.
After driving all over creation and getting the tire fixed, (T does a much better job of re-capping the whole day on his blog), we were able to continue on with our day. We hit the museum, which was fun despite some of the cheesy exhibits (in fairness to T, we BOTH made fun of some of the exhibits...and we had a blast doing it). We wandered around downtown before the restaurant opened...chatting and laughing and just having a great time. We hit one of the great candy stores we have in the city, my favourite sock store, and just wandered around for a while. I love downtown and doing exactly that...it's one of those things I don't get to do nearly often enough...
Dinner was great. Yeah, I dribbled artichoke dip all over myself. However, as with everything else that had happened during the day, we had a good laugh about it. It was nice to just be with someone and not have to worry about "impressing" them....I just enjoyed being myself, enjoyed him being himself, and relaxed knowing that it was all good.
During the day, not only did we have a lot of laughs together, but we had some good serious conversations as well...everything from our kids, to politics, to the problems with the education system.
It's funny. When I think about the day, I can see all the potential for disaster. Hence last night's blog. I mean, let's face it....with two different people, it could have been a complete and utter disaster. But the thing is, when you're with someone that you really like being around, it's easy to just go with the flow and work with it. It's really easy to have a good time with someone when everything goes as planned. The real challenge comes when things go wrong, and you're able to have fun not just despite it, but because of it. Instead of getting caught up in all the "wrong turns", we just worked with it...and kept smiling the whole time. Whenever I think back to yesterday, I'll remember T standing in that (closed down) tire shop, waiting to see if dude had a tire for him, making silly faces at me through the window as I sat in the car waiting with amusement, to see what was going to happen next. I don't know if I ever smiled as much as I did yesterday.
In fact, I'm still smiling today.
Oh - and PS - I actually LOVED the 80s music. It's one of the many fun things that T and I have in common. I can hardly wait until I feel a little more comfy so he and I can belt 'em out in the car together.....
Saturday, December 6, 2008
Sooooo...............................
Well, internets, I suppose that many of you are sitting on the edges of your seats, wanting to know how today went with T.
It was **quite** the day, let's just put it that way. I've only got the energy to give you the condensed version tonight but I promise, I'll fill in the blanks tomorrow.
Let's see.......
- He was almost an hour late.
- At the market, he didn't know what brussels sprouts were. He bought fudge and didn't even share it with me.
- Afterwards, he took me to Canadian Tire (to get a repair kit for the tire that had caused him to be an hour late).
- After discovering that he couldn't fix his tire himself, we had to drive out to the middle of mumblef*ck nowhere to get a new tire put on his car.
- After the hour+ long detour, which included backtracking several km to the nearest ATM machine, we went to the museum, where he made fun of the exhibits.
- We arrived at the restaurant before it was open, and were left to wander around downtown and kill time.
- At dinner, I spilled artichoke dip all over myself, and he gagged on the piece of eggplant that I made him try.
- He even rushed me through my coffee at the end so we could get the hell out of there.
- And oh yeah - he played obnoxious 80s tunes in his car the entire time. He even rapped.
What can I say?
BEST
FIRST
DATE
EVER.
Is it Friday yet????
It was **quite** the day, let's just put it that way. I've only got the energy to give you the condensed version tonight but I promise, I'll fill in the blanks tomorrow.
Let's see.......
- He was almost an hour late.
- At the market, he didn't know what brussels sprouts were. He bought fudge and didn't even share it with me.
- Afterwards, he took me to Canadian Tire (to get a repair kit for the tire that had caused him to be an hour late).
- After discovering that he couldn't fix his tire himself, we had to drive out to the middle of mumblef*ck nowhere to get a new tire put on his car.
- After the hour+ long detour, which included backtracking several km to the nearest ATM machine, we went to the museum, where he made fun of the exhibits.
- We arrived at the restaurant before it was open, and were left to wander around downtown and kill time.
- At dinner, I spilled artichoke dip all over myself, and he gagged on the piece of eggplant that I made him try.
- He even rushed me through my coffee at the end so we could get the hell out of there.
- And oh yeah - he played obnoxious 80s tunes in his car the entire time. He even rapped.
What can I say?
BEST
FIRST
DATE
EVER.
Is it Friday yet????
Friday, December 5, 2008
Tit - for - Tat
So I chatted briefly this morning with H, and he made a specific point of letting me know that he's got not one, but TWO dates this upcoming week. With two different women.
I'm not going to lie, I'm not very happy about that. The thing is, I'm not in any kind of position to be unhappy about it. After all, I am spending the whole day tomorrow with T. I certainly don't expect to be able to do what I want, and not give him the same consideration in return.
Still....it sucks.
But realistically, he's just as entitled to finding happiness as I am....and honestly, finding someone "real", and making a real connection, instead of just a theoretical one, probably makes a whole lot more sense.
It's funny...if all of this makes so much sense, then I wonder why I still feel so shitty about it?
I'm not going to lie, I'm not very happy about that. The thing is, I'm not in any kind of position to be unhappy about it. After all, I am spending the whole day tomorrow with T. I certainly don't expect to be able to do what I want, and not give him the same consideration in return.
Still....it sucks.
But realistically, he's just as entitled to finding happiness as I am....and honestly, finding someone "real", and making a real connection, instead of just a theoretical one, probably makes a whole lot more sense.
It's funny...if all of this makes so much sense, then I wonder why I still feel so shitty about it?
Love & Hate
I love snuggling with my girls.....but hate it when they cram their feet up my butt in the middle of the night.
I love running....but I hate it when my thighs are still yelling at me two days later.
I love sleeping in.....but I hate it when I "have" to do it in order to make up for a restless night.
I love anticipation.....but I hate waiting.
I love "being there" for E and M.....I just hate it when they need me at 3 a.m.
I love coffee....but hate it when.....nah, forget that. There's nothing that I hate about coffee.
I love blogging....but hate it when I've got nothing interesting to say.
I love running....but I hate it when my thighs are still yelling at me two days later.
I love sleeping in.....but I hate it when I "have" to do it in order to make up for a restless night.
I love anticipation.....but I hate waiting.
I love "being there" for E and M.....I just hate it when they need me at 3 a.m.
I love coffee....but hate it when.....nah, forget that. There's nothing that I hate about coffee.
I love blogging....but hate it when I've got nothing interesting to say.
Thursday, December 4, 2008
"It's Not You It's Me"
Worst words ever....to hear, or to have to say.
I remember getting my heart broken once, in University, by a guy named James, who essentially said those words to me. Told me he wasn't in a place where he was ready to commit to someone, that he had a lot of things to figure out about himself, and that he couldn't do that while dating me.
Ouch.
Yeah, I took it personally - how could I not? My self-esteem was more than a little bit fragile at point in my life, and I was crushing pretty hard on this guy.
I hated him for all of about 2 days, and then just decided to suck it up and get on with my life. Ended up being friends with him, and seeing that he was a complete tool who didn't deserve my heart anyhow.
Funny how life works.
Yesterday I wrote about how I'm not sure if I'm ready to get involved with someone right now. T took that as "It's not you, it's me"....and I guess to a certain extent it is. I was thinking this morning that I've never put myself ahead of a relationship. I've always based so much of myself on the person that I was involved with that it was hard to know where *I* ended, and *he* began (whoever the "he" happened to be, in any particular circumstance). For the first time in my life, I'm getting to really know myself outside of the context of a relationship. And you know what? I like me. I like me enough to be able to sit back and realize that I don't "need" a relationship to feel complete or satisfied with myself or with my life.
That's a really big deal for me. Huge, in fact.
On Saturday T is coming to spend the day with me. I'm not putting any pressure on myself other than to just wait and see what the day brings. I hope that he's able to do the same.
I remember getting my heart broken once, in University, by a guy named James, who essentially said those words to me. Told me he wasn't in a place where he was ready to commit to someone, that he had a lot of things to figure out about himself, and that he couldn't do that while dating me.
Ouch.
Yeah, I took it personally - how could I not? My self-esteem was more than a little bit fragile at point in my life, and I was crushing pretty hard on this guy.
I hated him for all of about 2 days, and then just decided to suck it up and get on with my life. Ended up being friends with him, and seeing that he was a complete tool who didn't deserve my heart anyhow.
Funny how life works.
Yesterday I wrote about how I'm not sure if I'm ready to get involved with someone right now. T took that as "It's not you, it's me"....and I guess to a certain extent it is. I was thinking this morning that I've never put myself ahead of a relationship. I've always based so much of myself on the person that I was involved with that it was hard to know where *I* ended, and *he* began (whoever the "he" happened to be, in any particular circumstance). For the first time in my life, I'm getting to really know myself outside of the context of a relationship. And you know what? I like me. I like me enough to be able to sit back and realize that I don't "need" a relationship to feel complete or satisfied with myself or with my life.
That's a really big deal for me. Huge, in fact.
On Saturday T is coming to spend the day with me. I'm not putting any pressure on myself other than to just wait and see what the day brings. I hope that he's able to do the same.
Further Clarity
Last night was a good night. I did a Pilates video (it's been a loooooooong time since I've done that), I chatted with H for a while, and then curled up for an hour with my favourite serial killer . By 10:00 I was tucked away beneath my blankets....the first time I've gotten to bed at my preferred hour in a quite a while.
It felt good to have an evening just for me like that....I didn't realize how much I'd been missing it.
At 6:30 this morning I woke up and looked at the time. I was shocked - I felt great. That's another thing I haven't done in a while, woken up enthusiastic to greet the day. Before I talked myself out of it, I threw on my running clothes and headed out the door.
There's something about running in the (relatively) early morning that isn't matched by another time of day. I guess it's that whole idea of having the whole day ahead of me...and to begin with a run is to begin it pretty much perfectly. It gives me the opportunity to put my thoughts together, to plan, to just enjoy some time "all for me" before I let the craziness of life set in over the course of the day. It's better than meditation, really.
This morning's run was short, just a quick 5k around the neighbourhood, but it was exactly what I needed today. Although my neck is much improved from just 24 hours ago, it's still not 100% normal yet. At this rate, though, it will be happening soon, though. It feels really good to identify my body's needs and respond to them appropriately. That's something that's fallen by the wayside over last several months....it's time that I started paying more attention to my needs...I'm much better off when I do.
I had the opportunity to do a lot more thinking while I was out there.
I realized that I absolutely CAN NOT "lose myself" in another relationship....not now....not ever. And as I wrote yesterday, that temptation is certainly there for me. At this point I don't know if it's because I'm still in the process of figuring myself out, or if that's a danger that's always going to be there with me in terms of relationships.
That one will take some more time to figure out.
With T, the temptation and the tendency is certainly there. When we "chat", together the two of us are "larger than life", "over the top"...loving life and having fun together....totally playing off one another, absorbing each other's positive energy and each of us creating more of our own. We have a great energy together. T reminds me of all the things that I like about myself, and gives me the opportunity to let those parts out to "play" in the world.
With H, I have a much greater sense of being an individual person. He is more like a mirror to me, showing me the reality of who I am...both the good and the bad. The bad is acknowledged without judgment...it is simply there and a part of who I am. With him, there is less opportunity for me to celebrate those parts of me that I enjoy about myself...simply because the energy between him and I is different. Of course, there's also the issue of the physical distance between us. Of course, ideally, that distance isn't always going to be there...so I could find myself right back in the same "danger zone" that I am with T right now.
The responsibility for not losing myself in a relationship, any relationship, is entirely my own. I can't put that on anyone else....either now, or at any point in the future. The sad part is, I don't know if that's a responsbility that I'm ready for right now.
Again, there is soooooooooo much more to this than just what I've written here. So much more. This is just the direction that today's run took me in. It's good to look at things from all angles.
I kinda got the impression yesterday that T was a little hurt by me asking for some space for an evening. Of course, that's his own "stuff" that he's gotta deal with, and I can't feel responsible for it, since what I asked for certainly wasn't anywhere close to being in the realm of "unreasonable". Still, it was interesting to take note of.
It boils down to the fact that I gotta be me. I have to figure out how I'm going to do that. Because the thing is, no matter who I am in a relationship with, whether it's a friendship, or a "romantic relationship", at the end of the day, the only person I can always count on being there is ME.
I have to start taking more responsibility for myself. Today I keep moving in that direction.
It felt good to have an evening just for me like that....I didn't realize how much I'd been missing it.
At 6:30 this morning I woke up and looked at the time. I was shocked - I felt great. That's another thing I haven't done in a while, woken up enthusiastic to greet the day. Before I talked myself out of it, I threw on my running clothes and headed out the door.
There's something about running in the (relatively) early morning that isn't matched by another time of day. I guess it's that whole idea of having the whole day ahead of me...and to begin with a run is to begin it pretty much perfectly. It gives me the opportunity to put my thoughts together, to plan, to just enjoy some time "all for me" before I let the craziness of life set in over the course of the day. It's better than meditation, really.
This morning's run was short, just a quick 5k around the neighbourhood, but it was exactly what I needed today. Although my neck is much improved from just 24 hours ago, it's still not 100% normal yet. At this rate, though, it will be happening soon, though. It feels really good to identify my body's needs and respond to them appropriately. That's something that's fallen by the wayside over last several months....it's time that I started paying more attention to my needs...I'm much better off when I do.
I had the opportunity to do a lot more thinking while I was out there.
I realized that I absolutely CAN NOT "lose myself" in another relationship....not now....not ever. And as I wrote yesterday, that temptation is certainly there for me. At this point I don't know if it's because I'm still in the process of figuring myself out, or if that's a danger that's always going to be there with me in terms of relationships.
That one will take some more time to figure out.
With T, the temptation and the tendency is certainly there. When we "chat", together the two of us are "larger than life", "over the top"...loving life and having fun together....totally playing off one another, absorbing each other's positive energy and each of us creating more of our own. We have a great energy together. T reminds me of all the things that I like about myself, and gives me the opportunity to let those parts out to "play" in the world.
With H, I have a much greater sense of being an individual person. He is more like a mirror to me, showing me the reality of who I am...both the good and the bad. The bad is acknowledged without judgment...it is simply there and a part of who I am. With him, there is less opportunity for me to celebrate those parts of me that I enjoy about myself...simply because the energy between him and I is different. Of course, there's also the issue of the physical distance between us. Of course, ideally, that distance isn't always going to be there...so I could find myself right back in the same "danger zone" that I am with T right now.
The responsibility for not losing myself in a relationship, any relationship, is entirely my own. I can't put that on anyone else....either now, or at any point in the future. The sad part is, I don't know if that's a responsbility that I'm ready for right now.
Again, there is soooooooooo much more to this than just what I've written here. So much more. This is just the direction that today's run took me in. It's good to look at things from all angles.
I kinda got the impression yesterday that T was a little hurt by me asking for some space for an evening. Of course, that's his own "stuff" that he's gotta deal with, and I can't feel responsible for it, since what I asked for certainly wasn't anywhere close to being in the realm of "unreasonable". Still, it was interesting to take note of.
It boils down to the fact that I gotta be me. I have to figure out how I'm going to do that. Because the thing is, no matter who I am in a relationship with, whether it's a friendship, or a "romantic relationship", at the end of the day, the only person I can always count on being there is ME.
I have to start taking more responsibility for myself. Today I keep moving in that direction.
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
Things you *never* thought you'd say as a parent....
I know that we've all experienced it as a parent, you've just said something to your kid, that, taken out of context would sound completely and utterly bizarre, but within the context of parenting, makes *perfect* sense.
Such a thing happened today during lunch when my girlfriend said to her 4 year old daughter:
"Honey, if the almond has been in your bum, then you have to put it in the garbage."
Um.....yeah. Sound advice, really, even taken OUT of the parenting context.....
Such a thing happened today during lunch when my girlfriend said to her 4 year old daughter:
"Honey, if the almond has been in your bum, then you have to put it in the garbage."
Um.....yeah. Sound advice, really, even taken OUT of the parenting context.....
Stress Relief and Some Clarity
I haven't been out for a good long run in a while. This afternoon I was inspired to get out there and get my body moving - it's a beautiful day out there....all too soon the weather will be too nasty to get out there when I feel like it. Also, there's the fact that my neck situation has gone south again...yesterday morning I felt it "pop" in the shower, and the whole left side went immediately tense. I popped a muscle relaxer before I went to bed last night, and although it helped me sleep (not that I needed it, exhausted as I am), it didn't do much for the state of my neck.
My suspicions that my neck issues are stress-related were confirmed this afternoon. I was about 2 k into my run when I felt my neck unlock on the left side. Another k and I could feel the muscles positively humming. Now, post-run (10 glorious km), there's still some tension there, but it's 100% better than it was this morning when I woke up. It feels good to be able to recognize what my body needs, and go out there and do it. I think a bit of yoga on top of that this afternoon will help even more.
While out there I had the time to do some thinking over of this situation with H & T that I find myself ass-deep in these days. I can see now that I haven't been giving myself enough space to step back and look at things from a bit of a distance. Today's run gave me that...some distance to see things more clearly - I guess it's that whole not being able to see the forest for the trees...
(Time for some rambling. Bear with me here, people.)
In any case, one of the things I've realized is that this "thing", whatever it is at this point, with T, is a pretty scary prospect for me. He lives relatively close to me, just a few hours away by car, which means that, potentially, a relationship with him is going to be "real", rather than mostly "theoretical", which is what I have with H right now, since he lives on another continent.
Now, while some might see that as a benefit, it's actually one of the downfalls for me at this point.
Wait.................what?
I've been spending the last few months on a journey of self-exploration. I've been discovering things, changing, taking myself to good places. I am far from "done" (although honestly I never see myself as completely "done" - ever). Since meeting T, I've been so caught up in communicating with him that I haven't been spending time with myself to reflect and grow and just enjoy being me. I'm not placing blame here - not anywhere close - I take full responsibility for that. One of the positives of a strictly online relationship with someone (H) who lives in a different country (and a different time zone) is that it allows me plenty of time and the space to keep working on me, while still exploring my feelings for someone else.
I guess I'm just worried about losing myself in another relationship. That's the road that I went down in my marriage, and it's not a place that I can ever allow myself to go again. Ever.
And I know that it's all about me. I know that T wants me to grow and discover and to be myself and that he would support me through all of that, completely. That's just the kind of guy he is. The danger there is entirely with myself...in my own tendencies to fall into traps where I deny my spiritual, emotional, and mental needs. With H there is far less potential for that to happen, at least at this point in time, since he doesn't have any plans to leave Holland, even for a visit to Canada, any time in the immediate future.
There's also a healthy dose of fear there, too....the fear of what I might find hidden under the piles of garbage in my soul as I keep shovelling through it. "Losing myself" in a relationship is a highly tempting option....which might be one of the reasons that I am turning away from H. Being "with" him gives me a whole lot of time and space to reflect and keep working on the scary stuff.
I guess what it boils down it is that I just don't know if I'm ready to get completely involved with someone right now.
It's all very complex and still very muddled. As I wrote last night, none of this is cut and dried. Of course there is a lot more to this than what I've written here...this is just part of what's going on in my mind...the part that I mulled over this afternoon while out on my run.
Right now I'm feeling the need to step back from T, just a little bit, so I can evaluate things a little more, see things a little more clearly. Hopefully he will understand....there's too much at stake here for me to do otherwise.
I can see a lot more running in my future. Fortunately, my neck, and my spirit, will thank me for it.
My suspicions that my neck issues are stress-related were confirmed this afternoon. I was about 2 k into my run when I felt my neck unlock on the left side. Another k and I could feel the muscles positively humming. Now, post-run (10 glorious km), there's still some tension there, but it's 100% better than it was this morning when I woke up. It feels good to be able to recognize what my body needs, and go out there and do it. I think a bit of yoga on top of that this afternoon will help even more.
While out there I had the time to do some thinking over of this situation with H & T that I find myself ass-deep in these days. I can see now that I haven't been giving myself enough space to step back and look at things from a bit of a distance. Today's run gave me that...some distance to see things more clearly - I guess it's that whole not being able to see the forest for the trees...
(Time for some rambling. Bear with me here, people.)
In any case, one of the things I've realized is that this "thing", whatever it is at this point, with T, is a pretty scary prospect for me. He lives relatively close to me, just a few hours away by car, which means that, potentially, a relationship with him is going to be "real", rather than mostly "theoretical", which is what I have with H right now, since he lives on another continent.
Now, while some might see that as a benefit, it's actually one of the downfalls for me at this point.
Wait.................what?
I've been spending the last few months on a journey of self-exploration. I've been discovering things, changing, taking myself to good places. I am far from "done" (although honestly I never see myself as completely "done" - ever). Since meeting T, I've been so caught up in communicating with him that I haven't been spending time with myself to reflect and grow and just enjoy being me. I'm not placing blame here - not anywhere close - I take full responsibility for that. One of the positives of a strictly online relationship with someone (H) who lives in a different country (and a different time zone) is that it allows me plenty of time and the space to keep working on me, while still exploring my feelings for someone else.
I guess I'm just worried about losing myself in another relationship. That's the road that I went down in my marriage, and it's not a place that I can ever allow myself to go again. Ever.
And I know that it's all about me. I know that T wants me to grow and discover and to be myself and that he would support me through all of that, completely. That's just the kind of guy he is. The danger there is entirely with myself...in my own tendencies to fall into traps where I deny my spiritual, emotional, and mental needs. With H there is far less potential for that to happen, at least at this point in time, since he doesn't have any plans to leave Holland, even for a visit to Canada, any time in the immediate future.
There's also a healthy dose of fear there, too....the fear of what I might find hidden under the piles of garbage in my soul as I keep shovelling through it. "Losing myself" in a relationship is a highly tempting option....which might be one of the reasons that I am turning away from H. Being "with" him gives me a whole lot of time and space to reflect and keep working on the scary stuff.
I guess what it boils down it is that I just don't know if I'm ready to get completely involved with someone right now.
It's all very complex and still very muddled. As I wrote last night, none of this is cut and dried. Of course there is a lot more to this than what I've written here...this is just part of what's going on in my mind...the part that I mulled over this afternoon while out on my run.
Right now I'm feeling the need to step back from T, just a little bit, so I can evaluate things a little more, see things a little more clearly. Hopefully he will understand....there's too much at stake here for me to do otherwise.
I can see a lot more running in my future. Fortunately, my neck, and my spirit, will thank me for it.
Late Night Observation.....
It's late...way later than I should be up. I've been talking with T for most of the evening. It's weird, but, as time goes on, I feel more confused and conflicted and messed up about the T/H situation. I thought that as time went on I would feel more settled, more able to point myself in one direction or another...but I'm not.
It's not getting any easier here, folks. It's not cut-and-dried, black-and-white...it's a huge messed up pile of festering garbage and the loudest voice in the back of my head is the one telling me that it's all MY fault.
Of course it is.
It's not getting any easier here, folks. It's not cut-and-dried, black-and-white...it's a huge messed up pile of festering garbage and the loudest voice in the back of my head is the one telling me that it's all MY fault.
Of course it is.
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
It Can't Rain All the Time....
We walked the narrow path,
beneath the smoking skies.
Sometimes you can barely tell the difference
between darkness and light.
Do you have faith
in what we believe?
The truest test is when we cannot,
when we cannot see.
I hear pounding feet in the,
in the streets below, and the,
and the women crying and the,
and the children know that there,
that there's something wrong,
and it's hard to belive that love will prevail.
Oh it won't rain all the time.
The sky won't fall forever.
And though the night seems long,
your tears won't fall forever.
Oh, when I'm lonely,
I lie awake at night
and I wish you were here.
I miss you.
Can you tell me
is there something more to belive in?
Or is this all there is?
In the pounding feet, in the,
In the streets below, and the,
And the window breaks and,
And a woman falls, there's,
There's something wrong, it's,
It's so hard to belive that love will prevail.
Oh it won't rain all the time.
The sky won't fall forever.
And though the night seems long,
your tears won't fall, your tears won't fall, your tears won't fall
forever.
Last night I had a dream.
You came into my room,
you took me into your arms.
Whispering and kissing me,
and telling me to still belive.
But then the emptiness of a burning sea against which we see
our darkest of sadness.
Until I felt safe and warm.
I fell asleep in your arms.
When I awoke I cried again for you were gone.
Oh, can you hear me?
It won't rain all the time.
The sky won't fall forever.
And though the night seems long,
your tears won't fall forever.
It won't rain all the time
The sky won't fall forever.
And though the night seems long,
your tears won't fall, your tears won't fall,
your tears won't fall
forever.
beneath the smoking skies.
Sometimes you can barely tell the difference
between darkness and light.
Do you have faith
in what we believe?
The truest test is when we cannot,
when we cannot see.
I hear pounding feet in the,
in the streets below, and the,
and the women crying and the,
and the children know that there,
that there's something wrong,
and it's hard to belive that love will prevail.
Oh it won't rain all the time.
The sky won't fall forever.
And though the night seems long,
your tears won't fall forever.
Oh, when I'm lonely,
I lie awake at night
and I wish you were here.
I miss you.
Can you tell me
is there something more to belive in?
Or is this all there is?
In the pounding feet, in the,
In the streets below, and the,
And the window breaks and,
And a woman falls, there's,
There's something wrong, it's,
It's so hard to belive that love will prevail.
Oh it won't rain all the time.
The sky won't fall forever.
And though the night seems long,
your tears won't fall, your tears won't fall, your tears won't fall
forever.
Last night I had a dream.
You came into my room,
you took me into your arms.
Whispering and kissing me,
and telling me to still belive.
But then the emptiness of a burning sea against which we see
our darkest of sadness.
Until I felt safe and warm.
I fell asleep in your arms.
When I awoke I cried again for you were gone.
Oh, can you hear me?
It won't rain all the time.
The sky won't fall forever.
And though the night seems long,
your tears won't fall forever.
It won't rain all the time
The sky won't fall forever.
And though the night seems long,
your tears won't fall, your tears won't fall,
your tears won't fall
forever.
Monday, December 1, 2008
Breathe Me.......
Help, I have done it again
I have been here many times before
Hurt myself again today
And, the worst part is there's no-one else to blame
Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
I'm needy
Warm me up
And breathe me
Ouch I have lost myself again
Lost myself and I am nowhere to be found,
Yeah I think that I might break
I've lost myself again and I feel unsafe
Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
I'm needy
Warm me up
And breathe me
Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
I'm needy
Warm me up
And breathe me
I have been here many times before
Hurt myself again today
And, the worst part is there's no-one else to blame
Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
I'm needy
Warm me up
And breathe me
Ouch I have lost myself again
Lost myself and I am nowhere to be found,
Yeah I think that I might break
I've lost myself again and I feel unsafe
Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
I'm needy
Warm me up
And breathe me
Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
I'm needy
Warm me up
And breathe me
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