The Weight is Lifting....

Finally, finally, finally.....

The wheels are in motion and I'm headed in the direction that I want to go. I still have a whole lotta work ahead of me, but thankfully, much of it is in my control...and that's always a better situation, than to have so many things OUT of my control, and no way to change it.

I'm moving forward, people..moving forward and moving on.

YAY!

The Trouble with Happiness.....

The trouble with happiness is that it seems as though it just can't last forever. Sooner or later, the air just escapes out of the "happiness balloon". It took a lot longer this time, I can see that; but still, it has escaped my grasp once again.

The good news, I guess, is that eventually I'll find it again.

Hopefully.

Someday.

It's nights like these when I wonder if it's really mine to have....

Happiness is......

....piping hot spicy black bean soup for lunch when it's FREEZING outside!!!

Frustration is.....getting a blister on the roof of my mouth from said soup.

OUCH!

Progress.....

I woke up this morning and realized that I've been riding a wave of happiness that has lasted almost 72 hours now. It's taken some work to maintain -- there have been a few moments where I could have given into the negativity, but instead I chose to look at the positives.

Already I am suspicious and mistrustful of this happiness, but I am doing my best, still, to continue to fight it.

In the back of my mind, I'm wondering when it's going to all come crashing down...because with me, it seems not to be a question of "if", but rather "when".

I'm still working on those baby steps...

Mom thoughts

I am working very hard to enjoy living in the moment these days. With the future still so unsettled for me, I guess the only thing that I CAN do is enjoy what I have in the here and now.

Yesterday was a great day with the girls. We played with Em's "Magic Science Wizard Kit" and learned all about acids and bases and made some fun "magic potions". We baked cookies and we played Playmobil and tidied the girls' room together. It was a fulfilling day, emotionally, and I was able to appreciate it all the more, reminding myself that days like that will soon be gone.

I love my girls so much....and for so long I tried very hard to be completely fulfilled by my role as wife and mother. Coming to accept the fact that I'm simply not has been hard for me. I've been so fixated on the idea that there is only one way to be a "good" mother...that anything less than that has meant that I was a failure. I've been telling myself that I'm a failure because I need more than stay-at-home motherhood. That I'm a failure because I'm choosing a path that's going to mean that my kids are going to end up in public school. That I'm a failure because I didn't shove all of my hopes for myself aside for my children.

Yeah, yeah, yeah....I know that it's bullshit. Hell, I look at my own mother - who had NO life outside of her family - hell, hardly does now. She "sacrificed" her whole life for her kids...and now it's like she feels like we "owe" her something. Is it really any wonder that her kids don't really want that much to do with her? I mean, seriously...is that the kind of relationship I want with my girls? Of course it's not.

And so, for me, the alternative is that I can't make my family my entire life. Maybe that means that my children aren't going to have the "ideal" upbringing...but hell, having a mom at home with them every day who isn't happy and fulfilled certainly isn't ideal, either.

I need to take some time to seriously re-evaluate the kind of mother I want to be, and the kind of mother that I can be. There's gotta be space in there for "me"...even if though it means that my girls get less quantity time with me...the quality is gonna be a whole lot better...

Priceless Parenting Moment

Today the girls and I were walking home from an outing, and out of nowhere, Em asked what it meant to be a failure (she'd heard this on an Arthur video, apparently).

I explained what failing at something meant (have I mentioned how much I love the fact that my 5 year old is a word person too???).

There was a thoughtful pause after which Miss Em emphatically declared, "Well! I'm not a failure at anything!!"


(and then slightly quieter)


"....................................................except maybe cleaning my room."

I know how you feel, kiddo. Mine's not exactly a palace at the moment, either.

More on Happiness....

I have made *some* progress over the years in terms of this whole happiness thing. There used to be a time when I pushed all my hopes and dreams for happiness into how I looked. I told myself that if only I had the perfect body, if only I lost weight, then I would finally be happy. Those were some dark days in terms of my eating disorder.

So the good news is that I'm no longer of THAT mindset anymore. I can accept that my body is what it is, and although it might be nice to be in better shape or lose a few pounds or whatever, my happiness isn't riding on it. And if I'm miserable with the rest of my life, 10 pounds off my body isn't going to change that. I truly get that.

So that's good, that's progress. BUT....my problem is that I've still been looking outside of myself for happiness. Marriage, money, a house, kids, "stuff", friends, whatever...I've been looking at the world around me, grabbing onto the people and things in it, and expecting to find happiness there.

Not so strangely, I haven't been able to find it. Or, I find it for a little while, and then always end up being disappointed by it. The truth is that I've been looking in all the wrong places.

The key to happiness - lasting and true happiness - rests with me.

I realize that I am the only thing standing in the way of my own happiness. I could have a million dollars or all the friends in the world and still not be happy. I could also have relatively little in my life, and still find reasons to be happy and content and find joy there. It all centers around me.

I'm gonna be honest here people, though...even though I realize that happiness hinges with me, I still don't really know how to actually be happy. How to let the joy into my life. How to feel as though I deserve the good things that find their way to me. How NOT to sabotage myself. I know that I'm making progress, but I still have a long, long way to go.....

Happiness is......

.....anticipating a hug...... :)

Happiness is........

....having a "Good morning" email to greet me first thing this morning.......

Happiness is.........

...having an open offer to phone in the middle of the night if the nightmares wake me up again.


Thank you. :)

Happiness is...........

Driving down the road and belting out 80s tunes and eating the best double chocolate chip cookes EVER......

You Know You Love It, Baby.............

Happiness Is...............

....Fair trade organic coffee.....



(even if it's only mediocre)

The Best Way to Wake Up....

I can think of few better ways to wake up in the morning with snuggles from Mo. She usually wanders into my bed in the middle of the night most nights, which I don't really object to. We never officially "co-slept" with either one of the girls, but always had an "open-bed" policy for whenever they needed it.

So...yeah. It's been a rare night in the last 5 1/2 years that I haven't had one or both kids in my bed.

This morning when Mo woke up she was snugglier than usual. She woke up early....about 6:30, and after my late night last night (despite my best efforts to get to bed early), I woke up feeling pretty groggy.

We laid in bed snuggling and talking a bit in our made-up "gibberish" language. Then, out of nowhere, I got the world's biggest hug, and Mo said sweetly, "You're the best mommy in the whole world."

Wow.

Thanks for making my day, kid. I love you, too.

It's all about perspective, a positive attitude, and a healthy dose of reality......

So all joking aside about yesterday's date with T, it really was a great day.

Sure, sure, all the things I outlined in last night's entry really DID happen, but none of it took away from the enjoyment of the day.

Oddly enough, some of it actually added to the enjoyment.

So yeah...he was an hour late, due to a nasty nail that punctured one of his tires on the way into the city. I was actually starting to get a little worried...wondering if something bad had happened on the way, maybe he'd gotten lost getting into the city, maybe he was lost inside the market...

It occurred to me that we hadn't done a very good job of planning things. Without a cell phone, I had no way of contacting him. I finally got the idea of borrowing a friend's phone to call him...I was happy and relieved to find out that he was fine, inside the market, and our day could finally begin....

The farmer's market was great. Any of my "regular readers" will know what an important part of my week the market is for me. I love it all - everything from the coffee to the crowds. It was nice to be able to go there with T and share with him some of the reasons why it's so special to me. The best part was that I really had the feeling that he "got it". He had a great time walking along behind me in the crowd, talking quietly in my ear, making me laugh and grin like an idiot....I didn't find out until a little later that he was **totally** keeping a straight face the whole time, making me took like even MORE of a lunatic to the other market-goers. This, of course, made me laugh all the more...

The best part about the market, for me, was how natural it all felt. There was zero "awkwardness" between the two of us. Hanging out with him "in person" was just as comfortable and fun as hanging out with him online.

After the market and dropping off my stuff at home, we had to detour to Canadian Tire. T was completely apologetic and a little embarassed about the whole thing....but honestly, I didn't care. We were having such a good time laughing and chatting away that it totally didn't matter. Lucky for me, he didn't seem to mind (much....heh) at the checkout when I rolled my eyes at him and informed the cashier that no, he didn't need a plastic bag at all, and crammed his purchases into my oversized purse. BAH! He's got a lot to learn about the David Suzuki way....

So he quickly discovered that there was no way he could fix the tire himself, and we were going to have to find a place to get another tire. Again...more apologies by him...which I quickly brushed away...because it really didn't matter. Shit happens, right? All I can say is, thank God for the kind dude who took pity on us and fixed the tire despite the fact that his shop has been closed since February... I love it when I get random surprises by how utterly great people can be sometimes.

After driving all over creation and getting the tire fixed, (T does a much better job of re-capping the whole day on his blog), we were able to continue on with our day. We hit the museum, which was fun despite some of the cheesy exhibits (in fairness to T, we BOTH made fun of some of the exhibits...and we had a blast doing it). We wandered around downtown before the restaurant opened...chatting and laughing and just having a great time. We hit one of the great candy stores we have in the city, my favourite sock store, and just wandered around for a while. I love downtown and doing exactly that...it's one of those things I don't get to do nearly often enough...

Dinner was great. Yeah, I dribbled artichoke dip all over myself. However, as with everything else that had happened during the day, we had a good laugh about it. It was nice to just be with someone and not have to worry about "impressing" them....I just enjoyed being myself, enjoyed him being himself, and relaxed knowing that it was all good.

During the day, not only did we have a lot of laughs together, but we had some good serious conversations as well...everything from our kids, to politics, to the problems with the education system.

It's funny. When I think about the day, I can see all the potential for disaster. Hence last night's blog. I mean, let's face it....with two different people, it could have been a complete and utter disaster. But the thing is, when you're with someone that you really like being around, it's easy to just go with the flow and work with it. It's really easy to have a good time with someone when everything goes as planned. The real challenge comes when things go wrong, and you're able to have fun not just despite it, but because of it. Instead of getting caught up in all the "wrong turns", we just worked with it...and kept smiling the whole time. Whenever I think back to yesterday, I'll remember T standing in that (closed down) tire shop, waiting to see if dude had a tire for him, making silly faces at me through the window as I sat in the car waiting with amusement, to see what was going to happen next. I don't know if I ever smiled as much as I did yesterday.

In fact, I'm still smiling today.

Oh - and PS - I actually LOVED the 80s music. It's one of the many fun things that T and I have in common. I can hardly wait until I feel a little more comfy so he and I can belt 'em out in the car together.....

Sooooo...............................

Well, internets, I suppose that many of you are sitting on the edges of your seats, wanting to know how today went with T.

It was **quite** the day, let's just put it that way. I've only got the energy to give you the condensed version tonight but I promise, I'll fill in the blanks tomorrow.

Let's see.......


- He was almost an hour late.

- At the market, he didn't know what brussels sprouts were. He bought fudge and didn't even share it with me.

- Afterwards, he took me to Canadian Tire (to get a repair kit for the tire that had caused him to be an hour late).

- After discovering that he couldn't fix his tire himself, we had to drive out to the middle of mumblef*ck nowhere to get a new tire put on his car.

- After the hour+ long detour, which included backtracking several km to the nearest ATM machine, we went to the museum, where he made fun of the exhibits.

- We arrived at the restaurant before it was open, and were left to wander around downtown and kill time.

- At dinner, I spilled artichoke dip all over myself, and he gagged on the piece of eggplant that I made him try.

- He even rushed me through my coffee at the end so we could get the hell out of there.

- And oh yeah - he played obnoxious 80s tunes in his car the entire time. He even rapped.




What can I say?





BEST



FIRST



DATE



EVER.








Is it Friday yet????

Ah, kids...

So tonight as I was making dinner I cranked the music and danced around the kitchen, singing loudly while I worked. Yes, yes I am in a good mood....thanks for noticing.

"Mommy, your tummy is showing," Miss E observed.

Um.....yeah. At that moment I may or may not have been swivelling my hips with my arms over my head. Picture something dirty dancing-eque but WAY less cool. WAY.

"Yes it is." I agreed, continuing to dance.

She started laughing hysterically. "It's all jiggly and wiggly."

Gee, Kid, thanks for the self-esteem boost.

"Is that so?" I asked, imagining (1988) Patrick Swayze pointing his sweaty body in my direction.

She crossed the room to give my (still-exposed) gyrating belly a pat. "Not in a bad way, in a funny way."

Wow. Keep it coming, girl. You're on a roll.

"Oh really?"

"It's just because you had babies in your belly."

That's right, kid. Just remember that, would ya? I've got YOU to thank for this...


So yeah...guess it's time to break out the old Pilates DVD. 'Cuz if my 5 year old is making comments, hell knows what Mr. Swayze would have to say....

Smiling....

I woke up this morning with a smile. It's been a while since I greeted the morning with such enthusiasm. Hell, if this continues, I may even get up tomorrow morning and go for a run.

Huh. How about that?

Life can change in the blink of an eye. No matter what direction I end up going in, today I simply feel filled full of enthusiasm, wonder, and positivity.

It will all be okay.

Happiness....

After a talk with C tonight, I've realized that I've been spending my life sitting and waiting for happiness to fall into my lap.

Guess what? It hasn't.

Choices have been made, things that can't be un-done. I can only move forward now, not back. I thought about how I have been moving forward for the last several months, but it's always been with my head turned, looking over my shoulder at what was, or could have been, had different choices been made.

Geez. No wonder my neck hurts, looking backwards all the time like that. heh.

But I digress. The point here is that happiness isn't going to magically fall into my lap. It particularly isn't going to happen if I constantly question myself and my decisions. I can't go back to the way things were. The life I had, or had once envisioned for myself, is gone; C has completely confirmed that for me tonight.

The funny thing is, even though there is some sadness about that, most of me just feels free. There is no "Option B". All I have is Option A and dammit, I'm going to move forward with a smile on my face.

Life is too short to spend it unhappy.

Wonderful Moment....

Last night I had one of those moments as a mom that made all the difficult days, spilled tears, worry and weakened patience worth it.

I was putting Miss E to bed. The routine goes that she hangs out in my room, reading books and playing quietly until Mo is asleep and then she goes into her own bed (they share a room). I laid in my bed with E, reading a book. When the book was finished, we snuggled down under the blankets and just started chatting and laughing away.

That kid reminds me so much of myself sometimes - the pure, fun-loving and unself-conscious part of me, that I don't let out to play often enough. The part of me that went into hiding for a very long time.

At one point, she and I laughed uncontrollably in each other's faces. I looked at her and it was like looking into a mirror...I knew that the pure joy on her face echoed mine in that moment. I told her the story about me wetting my pants laughing when I was 16 and we laughed even harder. It was a beautiful moment.

Then the laughter died down and she said, "I'm going to school next year." (Her dad and I had mentioned this fact to her already).

"Yes." I told her. E is extremely emotionally intelligent and VERY articulate. It's a good combination, but sometimes I never know what's going to come out of that kid's mouth. She's good at surprising me.

"I'm a little nervous about that, Mommy."

Because E is so emotionally in tune with herself, I find myself telling her things that I might not say to the average 5 year old.

"Well, honey, I understand that you're feeling nervous, and that's okay. But I want to tell you something special about you. Not everyone has this ability, but you're the kind of person who will be okay no matter what happens to you in life. You will do well at school, try not to worry."

She looked at me with twinkling eyes and gave me a huge hug. "You're a good mommy."

On my way downstairs I thought about my words and what I'd said to her...this little person who is, in so many ways, so much like me. She WILL be okay, no matter where life takes her. She'll be more than okay, in fact - she will flourish. Because she's just that kind of person, as long as she doesn't lose faith in herself...and I'll go to great lengths to make sure that doesn't happen.

And you know what? If she will be okay...then that means that I will be, too. I just have to have faith in myself as well. And I guess, if I can't do it for myself...then maybe I can do it to give my daughter an example of what it's like to live a life of courage and belief in oneself. It's not easy...but I think I can do it for her.