Finally, finally, finally.....
The wheels are in motion and I'm headed in the direction that I want to go. I still have a whole lotta work ahead of me, but thankfully, much of it is in my control...and that's always a better situation, than to have so many things OUT of my control, and no way to change it.
I'm moving forward, people..moving forward and moving on.
YAY!
Showing posts with label me thoughts. Show all posts
Showing posts with label me thoughts. Show all posts
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
Monday, January 19, 2009
Adding Insult to Injury
Only *I* would choose "the most depressing day of the year" to go swimsuit shopping.
Seriously, people, what the HELL was I thinking, hmm?
BAH!
I'm gonna go eat some chocolate.
Seriously, people, what the HELL was I thinking, hmm?
BAH!
I'm gonna go eat some chocolate.
"Blue Monday"
I read this morning that according to some so-called "experts", every year the 3rd Monday in January is known as the "most depressing day of the year".
NO
SHIT
SHERLOCK.
It's a low day, people. I'm not going to deny that. It's a day full of questioning everything, and wondering what's going to come next (and not feeling particularly enthusiastic about any of it).
I guess part of it comes back to, once again, feeling like I'm stuck in one spot and spinning my wheels. I have a plan, the plan will work and the plan feels good; the plan just actually has to get started. I've done as much as I can on my end for right now; I'm currently in "wait-and-see" mode. Once it actually starts to happen, I know that my life and my outlook on it will change dramatically. Until I get there, however, things look pretty depressing.
Blue Monday indeed.
NO
SHIT
SHERLOCK.
It's a low day, people. I'm not going to deny that. It's a day full of questioning everything, and wondering what's going to come next (and not feeling particularly enthusiastic about any of it).
I guess part of it comes back to, once again, feeling like I'm stuck in one spot and spinning my wheels. I have a plan, the plan will work and the plan feels good; the plan just actually has to get started. I've done as much as I can on my end for right now; I'm currently in "wait-and-see" mode. Once it actually starts to happen, I know that my life and my outlook on it will change dramatically. Until I get there, however, things look pretty depressing.
Blue Monday indeed.
Sunday, January 18, 2009
The Trouble with Happiness.....
The trouble with happiness is that it seems as though it just can't last forever. Sooner or later, the air just escapes out of the "happiness balloon". It took a lot longer this time, I can see that; but still, it has escaped my grasp once again.
The good news, I guess, is that eventually I'll find it again.
Hopefully.
Someday.
It's nights like these when I wonder if it's really mine to have....
The good news, I guess, is that eventually I'll find it again.
Hopefully.
Someday.
It's nights like these when I wonder if it's really mine to have....
Thursday, January 15, 2009
Setting Priorities
As I think more and more about this whole idea of "cleaning house" (my mental, emotional, and spiritual 'house', that is), I am becoming increasingly aware of the importance of gathering close to me those people and things who ARE important in my life. And, I guess, an extension of that, is figuring out WHO those people really are. Because honestly, some of them aren't who I thought. And while that's disappointing in a way, it's also very freeing - to be at a point where I'm able to figure out who the people are who will really be there when things get tough (and it doesn't get much tougher than what I'm going through now, folks).
I'm seeing now that a great deal of the last 10 years was just an illusion..that things weren't really what they seemed. I feel like I am seeing more clearly than I have in years. It's an amazing feeling.
I still have a long way to go. A lot of things to figure out, a lot of things that need to be worked on and sorted out. But I'm on the right path now.
I'm seeing now that a great deal of the last 10 years was just an illusion..that things weren't really what they seemed. I feel like I am seeing more clearly than I have in years. It's an amazing feeling.
I still have a long way to go. A lot of things to figure out, a lot of things that need to be worked on and sorted out. But I'm on the right path now.
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
Cleaning House
Anyone who reads my blog on a regular basis knows that to say I've been going through a tough time of it is an understatement. I have a lot of stress and uncertainty in my life at the moment. Yeah, I have good things, too...I have my girls and I have some good friends, and I have T. Those are all great things.
In the last couple of days I've been thinking a lot about those things/people/situations that I have in my life that aren't helpful to me. It's funny, because some of the people, especially, I thought were friends. It's sad to learn that really, in fact, they are not.
I am making the conscious decision right now to remove extra stressors from my life. I'm not saying that I'm cutting people out because I don't want to deal with them and I'm writing them off forever - I'm simply removing them as an added stressor to my life right now.
Extra stress is simply not welcome in my life right now.
It's sad to be saying goodbye to certain people, situations, and things in my life right now, on top of everything else. I have a feeling that it's going to be a year full of saying goodbye. The good news is, I also think that it's going to be a year full of new and exciting changes.
Eventually the stressors will be removed or sorted out. Eventually I will find my forward momentum. Eventually the scales will tip, and life will be more good than bad. I feel confident of all these things today. Cleaning house is a good thing.
In the last couple of days I've been thinking a lot about those things/people/situations that I have in my life that aren't helpful to me. It's funny, because some of the people, especially, I thought were friends. It's sad to learn that really, in fact, they are not.
I am making the conscious decision right now to remove extra stressors from my life. I'm not saying that I'm cutting people out because I don't want to deal with them and I'm writing them off forever - I'm simply removing them as an added stressor to my life right now.
Extra stress is simply not welcome in my life right now.
It's sad to be saying goodbye to certain people, situations, and things in my life right now, on top of everything else. I have a feeling that it's going to be a year full of saying goodbye. The good news is, I also think that it's going to be a year full of new and exciting changes.
Eventually the stressors will be removed or sorted out. Eventually I will find my forward momentum. Eventually the scales will tip, and life will be more good than bad. I feel confident of all these things today. Cleaning house is a good thing.
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
Forward Momentum
I need a kick in the bum today to get moving. For some reason I'm having difficulty getting myself moving in a positive direction in all aspects - mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually.
That's not to say that I'm in the "depths of despair" or anything like that. In fact, I'd welcome the inspiration to get me going today. I'm just not sure what that would be at this point.
Okay. Deep breath. Part of my new "indpendent life" is learning that I am perfectly capable of kicking myself in the bum to get moving. I don't need someone else to do it for me. The only thing keeping me mentally and emotionally stuck right now is me.
Time to get moving.
That's not to say that I'm in the "depths of despair" or anything like that. In fact, I'd welcome the inspiration to get me going today. I'm just not sure what that would be at this point.
Okay. Deep breath. Part of my new "indpendent life" is learning that I am perfectly capable of kicking myself in the bum to get moving. I don't need someone else to do it for me. The only thing keeping me mentally and emotionally stuck right now is me.
Time to get moving.
Monday, January 12, 2009
Progress.....
I woke up this morning and realized that I've been riding a wave of happiness that has lasted almost 72 hours now. It's taken some work to maintain -- there have been a few moments where I could have given into the negativity, but instead I chose to look at the positives.
Already I am suspicious and mistrustful of this happiness, but I am doing my best, still, to continue to fight it.
In the back of my mind, I'm wondering when it's going to all come crashing down...because with me, it seems not to be a question of "if", but rather "when".
I'm still working on those baby steps...
Already I am suspicious and mistrustful of this happiness, but I am doing my best, still, to continue to fight it.
In the back of my mind, I'm wondering when it's going to all come crashing down...because with me, it seems not to be a question of "if", but rather "when".
I'm still working on those baby steps...
Friday, January 9, 2009
Mom thoughts
I am working very hard to enjoy living in the moment these days. With the future still so unsettled for me, I guess the only thing that I CAN do is enjoy what I have in the here and now.
Yesterday was a great day with the girls. We played with Em's "Magic Science Wizard Kit" and learned all about acids and bases and made some fun "magic potions". We baked cookies and we played Playmobil and tidied the girls' room together. It was a fulfilling day, emotionally, and I was able to appreciate it all the more, reminding myself that days like that will soon be gone.
I love my girls so much....and for so long I tried very hard to be completely fulfilled by my role as wife and mother. Coming to accept the fact that I'm simply not has been hard for me. I've been so fixated on the idea that there is only one way to be a "good" mother...that anything less than that has meant that I was a failure. I've been telling myself that I'm a failure because I need more than stay-at-home motherhood. That I'm a failure because I'm choosing a path that's going to mean that my kids are going to end up in public school. That I'm a failure because I didn't shove all of my hopes for myself aside for my children.
Yeah, yeah, yeah....I know that it's bullshit. Hell, I look at my own mother - who had NO life outside of her family - hell, hardly does now. She "sacrificed" her whole life for her kids...and now it's like she feels like we "owe" her something. Is it really any wonder that her kids don't really want that much to do with her? I mean, seriously...is that the kind of relationship I want with my girls? Of course it's not.
And so, for me, the alternative is that I can't make my family my entire life. Maybe that means that my children aren't going to have the "ideal" upbringing...but hell, having a mom at home with them every day who isn't happy and fulfilled certainly isn't ideal, either.
I need to take some time to seriously re-evaluate the kind of mother I want to be, and the kind of mother that I can be. There's gotta be space in there for "me"...even if though it means that my girls get less quantity time with me...the quality is gonna be a whole lot better...
Yesterday was a great day with the girls. We played with Em's "Magic Science Wizard Kit" and learned all about acids and bases and made some fun "magic potions". We baked cookies and we played Playmobil and tidied the girls' room together. It was a fulfilling day, emotionally, and I was able to appreciate it all the more, reminding myself that days like that will soon be gone.
I love my girls so much....and for so long I tried very hard to be completely fulfilled by my role as wife and mother. Coming to accept the fact that I'm simply not has been hard for me. I've been so fixated on the idea that there is only one way to be a "good" mother...that anything less than that has meant that I was a failure. I've been telling myself that I'm a failure because I need more than stay-at-home motherhood. That I'm a failure because I'm choosing a path that's going to mean that my kids are going to end up in public school. That I'm a failure because I didn't shove all of my hopes for myself aside for my children.
Yeah, yeah, yeah....I know that it's bullshit. Hell, I look at my own mother - who had NO life outside of her family - hell, hardly does now. She "sacrificed" her whole life for her kids...and now it's like she feels like we "owe" her something. Is it really any wonder that her kids don't really want that much to do with her? I mean, seriously...is that the kind of relationship I want with my girls? Of course it's not.
And so, for me, the alternative is that I can't make my family my entire life. Maybe that means that my children aren't going to have the "ideal" upbringing...but hell, having a mom at home with them every day who isn't happy and fulfilled certainly isn't ideal, either.
I need to take some time to seriously re-evaluate the kind of mother I want to be, and the kind of mother that I can be. There's gotta be space in there for "me"...even if though it means that my girls get less quantity time with me...the quality is gonna be a whole lot better...
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
Reality Stinks
I'm being hit full-force in the face today with the knowledge of the fact that my time being at home with the girls is very quickly coming to a grinding halt. A very big part of me is kicking and screaming at that thought. There's a lot of sadness there, and a lot of guilt. I'd had a very strong vision of what my life, and what my girls' life was going to look like...and all of that is changing.
The truth is that the vision I had for myself isn't one that I really wanted anyhow. I mean, I wanted to WANT to be "the good housewife" and fulfill myself with baking cookies and folding laundry and giving all of myself to my family. Deep down I always felt like a fraud. Of course, I had times of utter contentment with that life, it's not like I was completely miserable the whole time...but I always had this overwhelming sense of "what's next?" "is this all there is?"
I've gotta be honest here, people, I'm pretty worried about my girls. I know that lots of kids grow up with child care and with public school and turn out fine...and I'm sure that Em and Mo will be no different. They just feel so young to be turned out into the world to fend for themselves....more or less.
I feel sad that I won't get to be there with them all day every day to see them grow and help them become the people they are meant to be.
I feel guilty because I'm not capable being the mother that they deserve.
I feel guilty because I put my own wants ahead of that of my girls. There's a little voice in there telling me that I should have kept sacrificing for them. That because I wasn't capable of doing that, then I am a bad mother.
I feel like a really bad mother today. I feel selfish and weak. And sad. :(
The truth is that the vision I had for myself isn't one that I really wanted anyhow. I mean, I wanted to WANT to be "the good housewife" and fulfill myself with baking cookies and folding laundry and giving all of myself to my family. Deep down I always felt like a fraud. Of course, I had times of utter contentment with that life, it's not like I was completely miserable the whole time...but I always had this overwhelming sense of "what's next?" "is this all there is?"
I've gotta be honest here, people, I'm pretty worried about my girls. I know that lots of kids grow up with child care and with public school and turn out fine...and I'm sure that Em and Mo will be no different. They just feel so young to be turned out into the world to fend for themselves....more or less.
I feel sad that I won't get to be there with them all day every day to see them grow and help them become the people they are meant to be.
I feel guilty because I'm not capable being the mother that they deserve.
I feel guilty because I put my own wants ahead of that of my girls. There's a little voice in there telling me that I should have kept sacrificing for them. That because I wasn't capable of doing that, then I am a bad mother.
I feel like a really bad mother today. I feel selfish and weak. And sad. :(
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
More on Happiness....
I have made *some* progress over the years in terms of this whole happiness thing. There used to be a time when I pushed all my hopes and dreams for happiness into how I looked. I told myself that if only I had the perfect body, if only I lost weight, then I would finally be happy. Those were some dark days in terms of my eating disorder.
So the good news is that I'm no longer of THAT mindset anymore. I can accept that my body is what it is, and although it might be nice to be in better shape or lose a few pounds or whatever, my happiness isn't riding on it. And if I'm miserable with the rest of my life, 10 pounds off my body isn't going to change that. I truly get that.
So that's good, that's progress. BUT....my problem is that I've still been looking outside of myself for happiness. Marriage, money, a house, kids, "stuff", friends, whatever...I've been looking at the world around me, grabbing onto the people and things in it, and expecting to find happiness there.
Not so strangely, I haven't been able to find it. Or, I find it for a little while, and then always end up being disappointed by it. The truth is that I've been looking in all the wrong places.
The key to happiness - lasting and true happiness - rests with me.
I realize that I am the only thing standing in the way of my own happiness. I could have a million dollars or all the friends in the world and still not be happy. I could also have relatively little in my life, and still find reasons to be happy and content and find joy there. It all centers around me.
I'm gonna be honest here people, though...even though I realize that happiness hinges with me, I still don't really know how to actually be happy. How to let the joy into my life. How to feel as though I deserve the good things that find their way to me. How NOT to sabotage myself. I know that I'm making progress, but I still have a long, long way to go.....
So the good news is that I'm no longer of THAT mindset anymore. I can accept that my body is what it is, and although it might be nice to be in better shape or lose a few pounds or whatever, my happiness isn't riding on it. And if I'm miserable with the rest of my life, 10 pounds off my body isn't going to change that. I truly get that.
So that's good, that's progress. BUT....my problem is that I've still been looking outside of myself for happiness. Marriage, money, a house, kids, "stuff", friends, whatever...I've been looking at the world around me, grabbing onto the people and things in it, and expecting to find happiness there.
Not so strangely, I haven't been able to find it. Or, I find it for a little while, and then always end up being disappointed by it. The truth is that I've been looking in all the wrong places.
The key to happiness - lasting and true happiness - rests with me.
I realize that I am the only thing standing in the way of my own happiness. I could have a million dollars or all the friends in the world and still not be happy. I could also have relatively little in my life, and still find reasons to be happy and content and find joy there. It all centers around me.
I'm gonna be honest here people, though...even though I realize that happiness hinges with me, I still don't really know how to actually be happy. How to let the joy into my life. How to feel as though I deserve the good things that find their way to me. How NOT to sabotage myself. I know that I'm making progress, but I still have a long, long way to go.....
Sunday, January 4, 2009
Rock Bottom
It's quite possible that I've hit the lowest point that I could possibly reach. I've done a lot of damage, I have hurt a lot of people.
The good news is that I can only go up from here, I guess. I have a lot of work ahead of me -- to heal, to repair wounds, to make things better both for me, and for those around me.
It's not going to be easy...but it's the only option that I have at this point. I won't lie - the temptation is there to just say "screw it all", have a big 'ol pity party and bury my head in the sand.
But I'm not gonna do it. I'm standing at a fork in the road, and my choices are to get better, or get worse. I'm picking the "better" option - no matter what it takes to get there.
The good news is that I can only go up from here, I guess. I have a lot of work ahead of me -- to heal, to repair wounds, to make things better both for me, and for those around me.
It's not going to be easy...but it's the only option that I have at this point. I won't lie - the temptation is there to just say "screw it all", have a big 'ol pity party and bury my head in the sand.
But I'm not gonna do it. I'm standing at a fork in the road, and my choices are to get better, or get worse. I'm picking the "better" option - no matter what it takes to get there.
Saturday, January 3, 2009
Not even sure where to begin....
It's been an emotionally intense couple of days.
I'm still processing; I still have a lot to work through. Some good runs will hopefully help with that. At this point I have so little of it figured out, that I'm not even sure what to say. Some incredibly great things have happened, as well as some incredibly bad things....and I've been at the heart of it all. Right now I'm hoping that I can cherish the good things and make up for the bad...not to mention try to figure out where all the bad come from, and what exactly to do with it.
My brain hurts. I need a run.
And a nap.
I'm still processing; I still have a lot to work through. Some good runs will hopefully help with that. At this point I have so little of it figured out, that I'm not even sure what to say. Some incredibly great things have happened, as well as some incredibly bad things....and I've been at the heart of it all. Right now I'm hoping that I can cherish the good things and make up for the bad...not to mention try to figure out where all the bad come from, and what exactly to do with it.
My brain hurts. I need a run.
And a nap.
Tuesday, December 30, 2008
A Rant for Today....
**Just a friendly note before I begin my rant....this is mostly directed at myself, and isn't intended to land on anyone specific, just the world in general. I'm sorting through some of my 'stuff', and this is what I've been working on the last few days.**
I've been thinking a lot the last few days about one particular aspect of myself: my need to over-apologize.
I mean, I'm Canadian and all, and I think that it's in our blood to apologize for everything, including those things that are beyond our control...but damn, I've got a problem.
Anyone who has eaten a meal prepared by me knows about my tendency to apologize for my own cooking...even though most of the time it tastes pretty damn good. I always seem to focus on the less than perfect aspects of myself. But we've all got 'em, now don't we???
I've been thinking more specifically about a conversation with friends recently where I actually found myself apologizing for my musical tastes. I was desperately trying to justify listening to certain music with a, "but it's just for running purposes, honest!!!" You know what? That's stupid! Apologizing for the music I enjoy - for running or not - is like apologizing for the fact that my eyes are blue. And you know what? I'm done with it. I refuse to go forward in my life apologizing for being who I am...particularly when it comes to aspects of myself - like musical tastes - that don't affect anyone else but me. It's not like I'm cramming my earbuds into YOUR ears and forcing you to listen to Justin Timberlake for fun. What I listen to is not really anyone's business but mine....and if anyone wants to believe that they're a superior person to me because they listen to what (they feel) is "better" music....well frankly...screw you. I'm sick of judgment...even judgment that seems 'harmless'.
I absolutely refuse to apologize for being me anymore. And if you don't like it, well...tough titty for you.
heh
I've been thinking a lot the last few days about one particular aspect of myself: my need to over-apologize.
I mean, I'm Canadian and all, and I think that it's in our blood to apologize for everything, including those things that are beyond our control...but damn, I've got a problem.
Anyone who has eaten a meal prepared by me knows about my tendency to apologize for my own cooking...even though most of the time it tastes pretty damn good. I always seem to focus on the less than perfect aspects of myself. But we've all got 'em, now don't we???
I've been thinking more specifically about a conversation with friends recently where I actually found myself apologizing for my musical tastes. I was desperately trying to justify listening to certain music with a, "but it's just for running purposes, honest!!!" You know what? That's stupid! Apologizing for the music I enjoy - for running or not - is like apologizing for the fact that my eyes are blue. And you know what? I'm done with it. I refuse to go forward in my life apologizing for being who I am...particularly when it comes to aspects of myself - like musical tastes - that don't affect anyone else but me. It's not like I'm cramming my earbuds into YOUR ears and forcing you to listen to Justin Timberlake for fun. What I listen to is not really anyone's business but mine....and if anyone wants to believe that they're a superior person to me because they listen to what (they feel) is "better" music....well frankly...screw you. I'm sick of judgment...even judgment that seems 'harmless'.
I absolutely refuse to apologize for being me anymore. And if you don't like it, well...tough titty for you.
heh
Monday, December 29, 2008
Today's Thoughts...
So far today's going pretty well. No nightmares last night (I had the phone ready and waiting by my bed in case I needed it...). I woke up feeling fairly rested. I managed to get out there today for a nice little run...it's a glorious day out there.
I got to do a lot of thinking, which is something that I desperately needed.
I thought about running. I decided to commit myself to running the half marathon this coming May. Having a definite goal is good for me to keep me on track with running. I need to run to stay sane...and I'm not always that great at doing it as often as I should...so hopefully having the Bluenose Marathon looming in my face will be just the inspiration that I need. It'll be my 35th birthday present to myself.
Wow....did I really say 35? Holy shit.
In other news...I did some more processing while I was out...about me and my life over the last year and a half or so. Specifically the impact of the death of a certain family member, and how that seemed to be the catalyst for where I've ended up in my life right now. It's interesting...I expected it to be a big deal when it happened, but at the time I couldn't see it. I guess I expected a huge epiphany right in the moment, but rather it took a long time to unfold ...and it's only now that much of it is making sense to me.
The good news is...it's all good. I'm figuring it out, I'm making sense of it all. Even better is that I'm actively making changes that reflect these realizations. In the past I used to believe that just making the realization was enough...but now I know that there's more required...I need to actually change based on those epiphanies...even if the changes are just in my own thought process, beliefs or attitudes.
I'm moving forward.
New beginnings....better memories....better life....better Mama S.
I got to do a lot of thinking, which is something that I desperately needed.
I thought about running. I decided to commit myself to running the half marathon this coming May. Having a definite goal is good for me to keep me on track with running. I need to run to stay sane...and I'm not always that great at doing it as often as I should...so hopefully having the Bluenose Marathon looming in my face will be just the inspiration that I need. It'll be my 35th birthday present to myself.
Wow....did I really say 35? Holy shit.
In other news...I did some more processing while I was out...about me and my life over the last year and a half or so. Specifically the impact of the death of a certain family member, and how that seemed to be the catalyst for where I've ended up in my life right now. It's interesting...I expected it to be a big deal when it happened, but at the time I couldn't see it. I guess I expected a huge epiphany right in the moment, but rather it took a long time to unfold ...and it's only now that much of it is making sense to me.
The good news is...it's all good. I'm figuring it out, I'm making sense of it all. Even better is that I'm actively making changes that reflect these realizations. In the past I used to believe that just making the realization was enough...but now I know that there's more required...I need to actually change based on those epiphanies...even if the changes are just in my own thought process, beliefs or attitudes.
I'm moving forward.
New beginnings....better memories....better life....better Mama S.
Sunday, December 28, 2008
Ugh
I had a much needed nap this afternoon. It was great to lay down in a quiet house, pull up the blankets, and just crash hard. I slept for almost THREE HOURS in fact!!! (Yeah mom, I KNOW I haven't been taking care of myself the way that I should...)
While I was sleeping I was plagued with another nightmare (I've been having a lot of those lately). In it, I was telling a good neighbour of mine that C and I are separated (no, I haven't told her yet...only because we don't see each other all that often, and let's face it, people, it's SUCH an awkward conversation to have). When I did, at first she was shocked, and then she immediately became angry...at me. She started telling me all the things that sometimes those voices tell me when it gets a little too quiet in my head....that I didn't try hard enough. That I didn't want it enough. That "not being happy" isn't a good enough reason to decide to end things. In the dream I felt horrible, and desperately tried to justify myself to her, but had a hard time putting everything into words...
It sorta reminds me of those dreams when you try to run away from something scary and your legs won't work, you know? This time I tried to explain myself, but my brain and my tongue couldn't seem to make the connection...
It's funny...because ironically, I'm not sure if the dream was about C, or if it was really about T. For the last few days, as I admit to myself (and to him) how much I like this guy, I'm trying to conjure up reasons in my head to run away. I'm scared for a whole lot of reasons, and I guess I'm not dealing with that fear all that well at all. I'm sure if I went looking hard enough, I could find *something* - he's just human after all, and it's easy to make a mountain out of a molehill.
A quick conversation with a very good friend just now, helped me to put things back into perspective (she's been doing that for me a lot lately). I am holding the fear at bay. It's funny....I don't know why I'm having such a hard time making a "leap of faith" with my feelings. Normally I'm a "jump in with both feet" kinda gal. This time...I'm taking my time. Oh - and before any of you wonder (because I know some of y'all pretty well) I'll answer what may be swirling around in your heads and say that it's not anything that HE has said or done to cause me to be so afraid or cautious in all of this...except maybe be a little too good to be true. There are no "warning signs", theren't any "red flags". Dude's the real deal....and I'm simply a basket case.
One day, one moment at a time is all I can manage right now. And honestly, it doesn't have to be any more than just that for the time being.
While I was sleeping I was plagued with another nightmare (I've been having a lot of those lately). In it, I was telling a good neighbour of mine that C and I are separated (no, I haven't told her yet...only because we don't see each other all that often, and let's face it, people, it's SUCH an awkward conversation to have). When I did, at first she was shocked, and then she immediately became angry...at me. She started telling me all the things that sometimes those voices tell me when it gets a little too quiet in my head....that I didn't try hard enough. That I didn't want it enough. That "not being happy" isn't a good enough reason to decide to end things. In the dream I felt horrible, and desperately tried to justify myself to her, but had a hard time putting everything into words...
It sorta reminds me of those dreams when you try to run away from something scary and your legs won't work, you know? This time I tried to explain myself, but my brain and my tongue couldn't seem to make the connection...
It's funny...because ironically, I'm not sure if the dream was about C, or if it was really about T. For the last few days, as I admit to myself (and to him) how much I like this guy, I'm trying to conjure up reasons in my head to run away. I'm scared for a whole lot of reasons, and I guess I'm not dealing with that fear all that well at all. I'm sure if I went looking hard enough, I could find *something* - he's just human after all, and it's easy to make a mountain out of a molehill.
A quick conversation with a very good friend just now, helped me to put things back into perspective (she's been doing that for me a lot lately). I am holding the fear at bay. It's funny....I don't know why I'm having such a hard time making a "leap of faith" with my feelings. Normally I'm a "jump in with both feet" kinda gal. This time...I'm taking my time. Oh - and before any of you wonder (because I know some of y'all pretty well) I'll answer what may be swirling around in your heads and say that it's not anything that HE has said or done to cause me to be so afraid or cautious in all of this...except maybe be a little too good to be true. There are no "warning signs", theren't any "red flags". Dude's the real deal....and I'm simply a basket case.
One day, one moment at a time is all I can manage right now. And honestly, it doesn't have to be any more than just that for the time being.
Please Don't Leave Me.....
God I love Pink. I've said it before, and I'll say it again. This chick rocks!!!
Here's my new favourite of hers. I have a feeling that she and I likely have a lot in common.
Here's my new favourite of hers. I have a feeling that she and I likely have a lot in common.
Saturday, December 27, 2008
Me and My Emotions
I've been described as being "intense" in more than one situation by more than one different person. I can't really argue with that description at all. I know that I'm intense. I feel things very intensely. I tried for a long time to squish all that deep down inside of me, but there's no use fighting against it.
Yes, I'm sensitive.
Yes, I can feel very intensely at times - both the good and the bad stuff.
I realized that it's both a blessing and a curse. Yeah, I feel the negative stuff pretty intensely. I have cried my insides out for one reason or another more times than I can count. I am still mourning the loss of a friend who died 15 or so years ago. My anger can flash hot as a bonfire.
But it's also a blessing. I can feel joy from the top of my head to the tip of my toes. I can laugh until my sides ache and tears pour down my cheeks. I can feel love so strongly that my heart expands inside my chest and takes over my whole body.
For the years that I was deeply entrenched in my eating disorder, I was numb much of the time. That's part of what it was about...numbing out the world, numbing out the overwhelming emotions, because I didn't know how to cope with them any other way. Even though I've been recovered from the eating disorder for many years now, I still find myself sometimes feeling completely and utterly overwhelmed with my emotions. Even the positive ones. I still sometimes have to take a big step back and find a way to just "check out" for a little while (and fortunately I've found much more healthy outlets than punishing my body).
Tonight I'm feeling pretty overwhelmed...with the good stuff. Despite trying to take it slow, despite trying to be careful with my heart...here's where I find myself.
It would actually feel pretty damn good if it didn't scare me so badly....
Yes, I'm sensitive.
Yes, I can feel very intensely at times - both the good and the bad stuff.
I realized that it's both a blessing and a curse. Yeah, I feel the negative stuff pretty intensely. I have cried my insides out for one reason or another more times than I can count. I am still mourning the loss of a friend who died 15 or so years ago. My anger can flash hot as a bonfire.
But it's also a blessing. I can feel joy from the top of my head to the tip of my toes. I can laugh until my sides ache and tears pour down my cheeks. I can feel love so strongly that my heart expands inside my chest and takes over my whole body.
For the years that I was deeply entrenched in my eating disorder, I was numb much of the time. That's part of what it was about...numbing out the world, numbing out the overwhelming emotions, because I didn't know how to cope with them any other way. Even though I've been recovered from the eating disorder for many years now, I still find myself sometimes feeling completely and utterly overwhelmed with my emotions. Even the positive ones. I still sometimes have to take a big step back and find a way to just "check out" for a little while (and fortunately I've found much more healthy outlets than punishing my body).
Tonight I'm feeling pretty overwhelmed...with the good stuff. Despite trying to take it slow, despite trying to be careful with my heart...here's where I find myself.
It would actually feel pretty damn good if it didn't scare me so badly....
Girl Power!!!!
I felt the need for a little "Girl Power" tune this morning.
Forgive the bouncing boobies. Yeah, they're a little "counter" to the message that they bring, but it's still fun nevertheless.....
Forgive the bouncing boobies. Yeah, they're a little "counter" to the message that they bring, but it's still fun nevertheless.....
I see you looking at me
Like I got something for you
And the way that you stare
Don't you dare
'Cause I'm not about to
Just give it on up to you
'Cause there are some things I won't do
And I'm not afraid to tell you
I don't ever want to leave you confused
The more you try
The less I bite
And I don't have to think it through
You know if I'm into you
I don't need a man to make it happen
I get off being free
I don't need a man to make me feel good
I get off doing my thing
I don't need a ring around my finger
To make me feel complete
So let me break it down
I can get off when you ain't around
Oh!
You know I got my own life
And I bought everything that's in it
So if you want to be with me
It ain't all about the bling you bringing
I want a love that's for real
And without that then no deal
And baby I don't need a hand
If it only wants to grab one thing
The more you try
The less I bite
And I don't have to think it through
You know if I'm feeling you
I don't need a man to make it happen
I get off being free
I don't need a man to make me feel good
I get off doing my thing
I don't need a ring around my finger
To make me feel complete
So let me break it down
I can get off when you ain't around
Let it go
Let it go
Let it go
Let it go
I don't need a
I don't need a man, I don't
I don't need a man
I'll get me through
'Cause I know I'm fine
I feel brand new
I don't need a
I don't need a man, I don't
I don't need a man
I'll make it through
'Cause I know I'm fine
Without you!
I don't need a man to make it happen
I get off being free
I don't need a man to make me feel good
I get off doing my thing
I don't need a ring around my finger
To make me feel complete
So let me break it down
I can get off when you ain't around
Oh!
I don't need a man (I'm over you)
I don't need a man (I'm over you)
I don't need a man
(I'm without you)
(I'm over you)
I don't need a man
I don't need a man
I don't need a man
Like I got something for you
And the way that you stare
Don't you dare
'Cause I'm not about to
Just give it on up to you
'Cause there are some things I won't do
And I'm not afraid to tell you
I don't ever want to leave you confused
The more you try
The less I bite
And I don't have to think it through
You know if I'm into you
I don't need a man to make it happen
I get off being free
I don't need a man to make me feel good
I get off doing my thing
I don't need a ring around my finger
To make me feel complete
So let me break it down
I can get off when you ain't around
Oh!
You know I got my own life
And I bought everything that's in it
So if you want to be with me
It ain't all about the bling you bringing
I want a love that's for real
And without that then no deal
And baby I don't need a hand
If it only wants to grab one thing
The more you try
The less I bite
And I don't have to think it through
You know if I'm feeling you
I don't need a man to make it happen
I get off being free
I don't need a man to make me feel good
I get off doing my thing
I don't need a ring around my finger
To make me feel complete
So let me break it down
I can get off when you ain't around
Let it go
Let it go
Let it go
Let it go
I don't need a
I don't need a man, I don't
I don't need a man
I'll get me through
'Cause I know I'm fine
I feel brand new
I don't need a
I don't need a man, I don't
I don't need a man
I'll make it through
'Cause I know I'm fine
Without you!
I don't need a man to make it happen
I get off being free
I don't need a man to make me feel good
I get off doing my thing
I don't need a ring around my finger
To make me feel complete
So let me break it down
I can get off when you ain't around
Oh!
I don't need a man (I'm over you)
I don't need a man (I'm over you)
I don't need a man
(I'm without you)
(I'm over you)
I don't need a man
I don't need a man
I don't need a man
Friday, December 26, 2008
Six Feet Under.....
Last year I discovered the television series "Six Feet Under". It came highly recommended to me by a neighbour of mine....and I loved every single minute of it. I'm not much of a t.v. watcher these days, but there's something about this series that really resonated with me...and still does. Maybe it's because so much of the show is about really living the life that you have....because it can all be over in the blink of an eye. I seem to be more acutely aware of that at this point in my life than I have been ever before.
This television series moved me in a way that no other show has. I actually broke down watching the series finale...it was that powerful and moving. I only wish that I could watch it all again for the very first time.
Tonight I found a quote from what I'm pretty sure is the final season of the show...a quote that's really speaking to me tonight. You don't have to be a fan of the show, or know any of the characters for this quote to have meaning. This quote sums up pretty well where I am right now.
This television series moved me in a way that no other show has. I actually broke down watching the series finale...it was that powerful and moving. I only wish that I could watch it all again for the very first time.
Tonight I found a quote from what I'm pretty sure is the final season of the show...a quote that's really speaking to me tonight. You don't have to be a fan of the show, or know any of the characters for this quote to have meaning. This quote sums up pretty well where I am right now.
"I spent my whole life being scared. Scared of not being ready and not being right and not being who I should be. "
Um....yeah. That's EXACTLY where I have been for my entire life...and where I still sit right now. The thing is, I think I know what I have to do to start turning that around...but I'm not sure if the fear is going to hold me back or not.
I've spent my whole life either regretting the past or worrying about the future. Enjoying the moment is so hard for me...because I always feel like I'm on the brink of losing everything.
I still have a hard time believing that I deserve the goodness, even when it feels like it's being handed to me on a silver platter. What would have to happen for me to actually believe in myself....?
I've spent my whole life either regretting the past or worrying about the future. Enjoying the moment is so hard for me...because I always feel like I'm on the brink of losing everything.
I still have a hard time believing that I deserve the goodness, even when it feels like it's being handed to me on a silver platter. What would have to happen for me to actually believe in myself....?
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