Cleaning House

Anyone who reads my blog on a regular basis knows that to say I've been going through a tough time of it is an understatement. I have a lot of stress and uncertainty in my life at the moment. Yeah, I have good things, too...I have my girls and I have some good friends, and I have T. Those are all great things.

In the last couple of days I've been thinking a lot about those things/people/situations that I have in my life that aren't helpful to me. It's funny, because some of the people, especially, I thought were friends. It's sad to learn that really, in fact, they are not.

I am making the conscious decision right now to remove extra stressors from my life. I'm not saying that I'm cutting people out because I don't want to deal with them and I'm writing them off forever - I'm simply removing them as an added stressor to my life right now.

Extra stress is simply not welcome in my life right now.

It's sad to be saying goodbye to certain people, situations, and things in my life right now, on top of everything else. I have a feeling that it's going to be a year full of saying goodbye. The good news is, I also think that it's going to be a year full of new and exciting changes.

Eventually the stressors will be removed or sorted out. Eventually I will find my forward momentum. Eventually the scales will tip, and life will be more good than bad. I feel confident of all these things today. Cleaning house is a good thing.

...Just Because...

Far Away...

Rock Bottom

It's quite possible that I've hit the lowest point that I could possibly reach. I've done a lot of damage, I have hurt a lot of people.

The good news is that I can only go up from here, I guess. I have a lot of work ahead of me -- to heal, to repair wounds, to make things better both for me, and for those around me.

It's not going to be easy...but it's the only option that I have at this point. I won't lie - the temptation is there to just say "screw it all", have a big 'ol pity party and bury my head in the sand.

But I'm not gonna do it. I'm standing at a fork in the road, and my choices are to get better, or get worse. I'm picking the "better" option - no matter what it takes to get there.

I won't fear love....

All the fear has left me now
Im not frightened anymore
Its my heart that pounds beneath my flesh
Its my mouth that pushes out this breath

And if I shed a tear I wont cage it
I wont fear love
And if I feel a rage I wont deny it
I wont fear love

Companion to our demons
They will dance, and we will play
With chairs, candles, and cloth
Making darkness in the day
It will be easy to look in or out
Upstream or down without a thought

And if I shed a tear I wont cage it
I wont fear love
And if I feel a rage I wont deny it
I wont fear love

Peace in the struggle
To find peace
Comfort on the way
To comfort

And if I shed a tear I wont cage it
I wont fear love
And if I feel a rage I wont deny it
I wont fear love
I wont fear love
I wont fear love...

Not even sure where to begin....

It's been an emotionally intense couple of days.

I'm still processing; I still have a lot to work through. Some good runs will hopefully help with that. At this point I have so little of it figured out, that I'm not even sure what to say. Some incredibly great things have happened, as well as some incredibly bad things....and I've been at the heart of it all. Right now I'm hoping that I can cherish the good things and make up for the bad...not to mention try to figure out where all the bad come from, and what exactly to do with it.

My brain hurts. I need a run.

And a nap.

Happiness is......

.....anticipating a hug...... :)

Happiness is........

....having a "Good morning" email to greet me first thing this morning.......

Happiness is.........

...having an open offer to phone in the middle of the night if the nightmares wake me up again.


Thank you. :)

Ugh

I had a much needed nap this afternoon. It was great to lay down in a quiet house, pull up the blankets, and just crash hard. I slept for almost THREE HOURS in fact!!! (Yeah mom, I KNOW I haven't been taking care of myself the way that I should...)

While I was sleeping I was plagued with another nightmare (I've been having a lot of those lately). In it, I was telling a good neighbour of mine that C and I are separated (no, I haven't told her yet...only because we don't see each other all that often, and let's face it, people, it's SUCH an awkward conversation to have). When I did, at first she was shocked, and then she immediately became angry...at me. She started telling me all the things that sometimes those voices tell me when it gets a little too quiet in my head....that I didn't try hard enough. That I didn't want it enough. That "not being happy" isn't a good enough reason to decide to end things. In the dream I felt horrible, and desperately tried to justify myself to her, but had a hard time putting everything into words...

It sorta reminds me of those dreams when you try to run away from something scary and your legs won't work, you know? This time I tried to explain myself, but my brain and my tongue couldn't seem to make the connection...

It's funny...because ironically, I'm not sure if the dream was about C, or if it was really about T. For the last few days, as I admit to myself (and to him) how much I like this guy, I'm trying to conjure up reasons in my head to run away. I'm scared for a whole lot of reasons, and I guess I'm not dealing with that fear all that well at all. I'm sure if I went looking hard enough, I could find *something* - he's just human after all, and it's easy to make a mountain out of a molehill.

A quick conversation with a very good friend just now, helped me to put things back into perspective (she's been doing that for me a lot lately). I am holding the fear at bay. It's funny....I don't know why I'm having such a hard time making a "leap of faith" with my feelings. Normally I'm a "jump in with both feet" kinda gal. This time...I'm taking my time. Oh - and before any of you wonder (because I know some of y'all pretty well) I'll answer what may be swirling around in your heads and say that it's not anything that HE has said or done to cause me to be so afraid or cautious in all of this...except maybe be a little too good to be true. There are no "warning signs", theren't any "red flags". Dude's the real deal....and I'm simply a basket case.

One day, one moment at a time is all I can manage right now. And honestly, it doesn't have to be any more than just that for the time being.

Me and My Emotions

I've been described as being "intense" in more than one situation by more than one different person. I can't really argue with that description at all. I know that I'm intense. I feel things very intensely. I tried for a long time to squish all that deep down inside of me, but there's no use fighting against it.

Yes, I'm sensitive.

Yes, I can feel very intensely at times - both the good and the bad stuff.

I realized that it's both a blessing and a curse. Yeah, I feel the negative stuff pretty intensely. I have cried my insides out for one reason or another more times than I can count. I am still mourning the loss of a friend who died 15 or so years ago. My anger can flash hot as a bonfire.

But it's also a blessing. I can feel joy from the top of my head to the tip of my toes. I can laugh until my sides ache and tears pour down my cheeks. I can feel love so strongly that my heart expands inside my chest and takes over my whole body.

For the years that I was deeply entrenched in my eating disorder, I was numb much of the time. That's part of what it was about...numbing out the world, numbing out the overwhelming emotions, because I didn't know how to cope with them any other way. Even though I've been recovered from the eating disorder for many years now, I still find myself sometimes feeling completely and utterly overwhelmed with my emotions. Even the positive ones. I still sometimes have to take a big step back and find a way to just "check out" for a little while (and fortunately I've found much more healthy outlets than punishing my body).

Tonight I'm feeling pretty overwhelmed...with the good stuff. Despite trying to take it slow, despite trying to be careful with my heart...here's where I find myself.

It would actually feel pretty damn good if it didn't scare me so badly....

A Little Lenny......

Yes, Lenny *does* make it a little bit better.

Life is just a lonely highway
I'm out here on the open road
I'm old enough to see behind me
But young enough to feel my soul
I don't wanna lose you baby
And I don't wanna be alone
Don't wanna live my days without you
But for now I've got to be without you

I've got a pocket full of money
And pocket full of keys that have no bounds
But then I think of lovin'
And I just can't get you off of my mind

Babe can't you see
That this is killing me
I don't want to push you baby
And I don't want you to be told
It's just that I can't breathe without you
Feel like I'm gonna lose control

I've got a pocket full of money oh yes I do
And a pocket full of keys that have no bounds
But when it comes to lovin'
I just can't get you off of my mind, yeaaah

Am I a fool to think that there's a little hope
Yeah yeahhhhhheee yeah
Tell me baby, yeah
What are the rules the reasons and the do's and don'ts
Yeah yeahhhhhheee yeah
Tell me baby tell me baby, yeah
What do you feel inside?

I've got a pocket full of money
And a pocket full of keys that have no bounds
Oh yeah
But when it comes down to lovin'
I just can't get you off of my mind, yeah
I just can't get you off of my mind, yeah.

On The Bound

God, I love Fiona Apple (Thanks, Nicole, for getting me onto her).

I heard this song on last.fm today and was struck by how much the lyrics seemed to be written just for me, for how I'm feeling today....

Oh my life is on the know
Hail the pages turning
And then the future's on the bound
Hell don't know my fury

You're all I need, you're all I need, you're all I need
You're all I need, you're all I need, you're all I need
You're all I need
And maybe some faith would do me good

I don't know what I'm doing
Don't know should I change my mind
I can't decide, there's too many variations to consider
Nothing I do don't do nothing but bring me more to do It's true, I do imbue my blue unto myself,
I make it bitter

Baby, lay your head on my lap one more time
Tell me you belong to me
Baby say that it's all gonna be alright
I believe that it isn't.

You're all I need, you're all I need, you're all I need
You're all I need, you're all I need, you're all I need
Youre all I need
And maybe some faith would do me good

A Visit With Mom...

In about an hour or so, the girls and I are leaving to spend a couple of days with my mother.

I am not looking forward to it.

This is the first visit I've had with her without a "male buffer" (i.e. "C") in about 5 or 6 years. I'm worried that she's going to take advantage of my vulnerability to speak her mind too freely, and ultimately make me feel rotten. She's an extremely negative person, and I am vulnerable to other people's moods...particularly hers. We have a long history of co-dependence that I haven't entirely broken away from.

I have been preparing myself for this visit for a while now. The key will be to remain on my guard, not give her too much, and throw up a protective barrier as soon as she pushes me too hard. I used to feel bad that I couldn't "be myself" with my mother, but over the years I have realized that the responsibility for that rests with her, not me. She's not compassionate and understanding enough to be trusted with something as fragile as my heart. Those are her choices that create that situation. All I can do is what's best for me.

If nothing else, this weekend will be a good test of the "new and improved" Mama Scarlet, who is going to do what's best for her. I'm more than a little nervous about how it's going to go.

Pray for my soul, people. Pray.for.my.soul.

heh

Heart vs. Head

My personality is such that I am ruled more by my heart than my head. My tendency is toward emotion, "gut-instinct", and intuition in many situations....I wear my heart on my sleeve and often react from an emotional place first, rather than a logical one.

In our society, these traits aren't necessarily valued as much as they should be. Growing up, I was labelled "dramatic", "emotional" and "over-sensitive". Listening to my heart was taught to me to be a bad thing. The message that I learned, very quickly, that my own instincts, my own feelings, were not to be trusted.

Now that I'm older, I still struggle with this whole head/heart dilemma. I am still very much more an emotional rather than a logical person. That's not to say that I don't still use my head....but when it comes to the important things in life, it's my heart that usually leads the way first. The problem is that I still have difficulty relying on my own perceptions of my experiences, my own feelings...thanks to a childhood where I was taught to believe that my feelings weren't to be trusted....and years of messages as an adult that my emotions in certain situations were actually wrong.

I still struggle with this -- looking to other to validate my feelings about any given situation. Constantly doubting myself (should I be feeling 'this'?) and looking to others to confirm or deny what I'm experiencing (is it okay to feel 'this way'?). It happened earlier today, in fact, when a phone conversation with a friend had me doubting my situation, myself, and my feelings ("Maybe this friend can see things more clearly than I can...even though she doesn't know everything about the situation....").

One thing I've figured out in all of this is that our emotions simply are. They aren't right or wrong, they just are. It's what's done (or sometimes NOT done) with those emotions that is the important part. I've spent too many years feeling guilty for my feelings, trying to feel a different way in a given situation. It's pointless. Our feelings are what they are...the best we can hope for is to accept them, nurture them, and make the best decisions that we can with what we've got.

I'll be the first to admit that living an emotionally sensitive life can lead to a lot of heartache. I can sometimes feel that heartache pretty intensely, in fact. But the flipside is that my ability to feel - and feel intensely - gives me greater capacity to feel the positive emotions, too....and my perception of the "good stuff" - excitement, love, joy....are such that they're worth wading through the garbage to get to.

What this all boils down to, folks, is that I'm tired of not trusting my own perceptions. I keep forgetting, over and over, one really important factor in all of this : This is MY life. I can't expect other people to keep guiding me and propping me up the whole way through it. I'm 34 years old, and it's time for me to start trusting me -- my thoughts, my perceptions, and most importantly (to me) my feelings.

One thing I do know for sure is that at the end of my life, I don't want to be on my deathbed thinking that I wish I had just listened to my heart a little bit more. I need to start trusting in myself....this is all too important not to.

Today

I think the last time I looked at the clock last night it was 3:45 a.m.

I really resent turning into an insomniac. I always used to be the person who slept TOO MUCH when there was something on my mind.

Stupid brain.

Damn heart.

Today might be the day that I curl up into a ball in the corner and think of reasons why I should run away.

I'm trying to fight it, honestly, I really am...but it's so hard. Some days, and it would seem that today is one of them, the negativity is overwhelming.

Thanks for *that* particular trait, mom. Being able to always look on the dark side is one of the many gifts that you bestowed upon me......

Insecurity....

Today, after having a really great weekend, I can feel the insecurity settling into my very bones. I've been holding it at bay for a while...it was only a matter of time before it finally caught up with me.


There are too many obstacles.

There are too many complications.

There's too much potential for hurt for too many people.

I can't be responsible for someone else's happiness or unhappiness.

There are too many fears.

I'm not good enough.

I don't deserve to be happy.

I don't deserve to be happy.

I don't deserve to be happy.

Back to Reality.....

I got a big 'ole smack in the face with the reality stick this morning. After spending a relaxing and fun weekend with T, it's time to get myself back in the "real world".

I have a bathroom that needs cleaning, groceries to aquire, kids demanding Christmas crafts and other such amusments, a neck that's killing me, Christmas shopping to do....

The good news about returning to reality is that I have a job interview tonight. I'm really excited about this particular opportunity, so please, keep your fingers crossed for me. Landing a job at this point means that I'm that much closer to moving forward with my life...which will be oh-so-much better for everyone.

For now, though, I'm headed out for a run. Not only will my neck thank me for it, but my spirit will, too. It's feeling particularly overloaded these days.

There's a lot on my mind these days, Internets....a lot on my mind.

Stupid reality stick. Next time I think I'm gonna hide that thing....

Disappointment

Let's face it, people, break-ups are ugly. I mean, even though my break up with C wasn't particularly ugly, it has it's days when it certainly goes down that road.

Today was one of them.

I'm not going to go into specifics; we've got mutual friends who read this blog and so that's just not cool.

One of the things I'm thinking about tonight is the "residual ugliness" that comes along with a break up. Specifically, the division of friends.

You hear about that phenomenon....when mutual friends "take sides", or are uncomfortable with one partner or the other for whatever reason. Tonight I'm feeling the sting of that. I'm feeling a lot of disappointment...disappointment in people that I thought were above that kind of thing. People that I believed in more than I've ever believed in anyone. It's hard not to take it personally. Again, no details, but I'm feeling pretty "out in the cold"...to the point where if it weren't for the girls, I'm probably pack my bags and leave the city. And that's a pretty crappy feeling.

I guess that's the danger in putting people up on a pedestal. We're all just human after all.

Trust

Goddammit.

Just when I thought that I was feeling great, my "trust issues" flare up.

Is it really so hard to believe that a really great guy would just simply be interested in me, and leave it at that? Was it really necessary to go "digging", looking for whatever I could find to cause me reason to doubt him and us?

I guess a part of me felt that it WAS necessary. And well, you can hold pretty much anything against someone if you really want to, huh?

I have a hard time believing in the good when it's happening to me.

I still don't believe in my in my own worth.

I still spend much of days waiting for the bottom to fall out.

I still look at my own happiness with a suspicious eye. In fact, sometimes I even actively sabotage my own happiness.



When am I going to feel worthy?