Today's Thoughts...

So far today's going pretty well. No nightmares last night (I had the phone ready and waiting by my bed in case I needed it...). I woke up feeling fairly rested. I managed to get out there today for a nice little run...it's a glorious day out there.

I got to do a lot of thinking, which is something that I desperately needed.

I thought about running. I decided to commit myself to running the half marathon this coming May. Having a definite goal is good for me to keep me on track with running. I need to run to stay sane...and I'm not always that great at doing it as often as I should...so hopefully having the Bluenose Marathon looming in my face will be just the inspiration that I need. It'll be my 35th birthday present to myself.

Wow....did I really say 35? Holy shit.

In other news...I did some more processing while I was out...about me and my life over the last year and a half or so. Specifically the impact of the death of a certain family member, and how that seemed to be the catalyst for where I've ended up in my life right now. It's interesting...I expected it to be a big deal when it happened, but at the time I couldn't see it. I guess I expected a huge epiphany right in the moment, but rather it took a long time to unfold ...and it's only now that much of it is making sense to me.

The good news is...it's all good. I'm figuring it out, I'm making sense of it all. Even better is that I'm actively making changes that reflect these realizations. In the past I used to believe that just making the realization was enough...but now I know that there's more required...I need to actually change based on those epiphanies...even if the changes are just in my own thought process, beliefs or attitudes.

I'm moving forward.

New beginnings....better memories....better life....better Mama S.

A Christmas Gift to Myself

This morning after all the gifts were unwrapped and Christmas morning pancakes were eaten, I decided to give myself a little gift - I got ready and went for a run.

It's a beautiful day out there. It's incredibly mild, the sun is shining, the streets are pretty quiet. I just went for a short 5 k, but it was so wonderful to do it. It wasn't done out of guilt, it wasn't done out of a worry about the calories from the turkey dinner later to come. I didn't do it because I "should" do it....I did it purely as a gift to myself. A gift of quiet and physical exertion and time to think and just be alone with myself. I had my tunes and I just ran...for the pure joy of it...something I haven't been making enough time for this past year.

I did a lot of thinking....thinking about this past year, where I was a year ago compared to where I am right now. I still have a lot of work to do in order to get where I want to be, but I feel like I'm on the right road...and it's very exciting. This morning's gift to myself was a symbol of my commitment to myself to keep moving in a positive direction.

Today I gave a gift of love....to me. From me.


The best gift I've received this Christmas.

Back to Reality.....

I got a big 'ole smack in the face with the reality stick this morning. After spending a relaxing and fun weekend with T, it's time to get myself back in the "real world".

I have a bathroom that needs cleaning, groceries to aquire, kids demanding Christmas crafts and other such amusments, a neck that's killing me, Christmas shopping to do....

The good news about returning to reality is that I have a job interview tonight. I'm really excited about this particular opportunity, so please, keep your fingers crossed for me. Landing a job at this point means that I'm that much closer to moving forward with my life...which will be oh-so-much better for everyone.

For now, though, I'm headed out for a run. Not only will my neck thank me for it, but my spirit will, too. It's feeling particularly overloaded these days.

There's a lot on my mind these days, Internets....a lot on my mind.

Stupid reality stick. Next time I think I'm gonna hide that thing....

Further Clarity

Last night was a good night. I did a Pilates video (it's been a loooooooong time since I've done that), I chatted with H for a while, and then curled up for an hour with my favourite serial killer . By 10:00 I was tucked away beneath my blankets....the first time I've gotten to bed at my preferred hour in a quite a while.

It felt good to have an evening just for me like that....I didn't realize how much I'd been missing it.

At 6:30 this morning I woke up and looked at the time. I was shocked - I felt great. That's another thing I haven't done in a while, woken up enthusiastic to greet the day. Before I talked myself out of it, I threw on my running clothes and headed out the door.

There's something about running in the (relatively) early morning that isn't matched by another time of day. I guess it's that whole idea of having the whole day ahead of me...and to begin with a run is to begin it pretty much perfectly. It gives me the opportunity to put my thoughts together, to plan, to just enjoy some time "all for me" before I let the craziness of life set in over the course of the day. It's better than meditation, really.

This morning's run was short, just a quick 5k around the neighbourhood, but it was exactly what I needed today. Although my neck is much improved from just 24 hours ago, it's still not 100% normal yet. At this rate, though, it will be happening soon, though. It feels really good to identify my body's needs and respond to them appropriately. That's something that's fallen by the wayside over last several months....it's time that I started paying more attention to my needs...I'm much better off when I do.

I had the opportunity to do a lot more thinking while I was out there.

I realized that I absolutely CAN NOT "lose myself" in another relationship....not now....not ever. And as I wrote yesterday, that temptation is certainly there for me. At this point I don't know if it's because I'm still in the process of figuring myself out, or if that's a danger that's always going to be there with me in terms of relationships.

That one will take some more time to figure out.

With T, the temptation and the tendency is certainly there. When we "chat", together the two of us are "larger than life", "over the top"...loving life and having fun together....totally playing off one another, absorbing each other's positive energy and each of us creating more of our own. We have a great energy together. T reminds me of all the things that I like about myself, and gives me the opportunity to let those parts out to "play" in the world.

With H, I have a much greater sense of being an individual person. He is more like a mirror to me, showing me the reality of who I am...both the good and the bad. The bad is acknowledged without judgment...it is simply there and a part of who I am. With him, there is less opportunity for me to celebrate those parts of me that I enjoy about myself...simply because the energy between him and I is different. Of course, there's also the issue of the physical distance between us. Of course, ideally, that distance isn't always going to be there...so I could find myself right back in the same "danger zone" that I am with T right now.

The responsibility for not losing myself in a relationship, any relationship, is entirely my own. I can't put that on anyone else....either now, or at any point in the future. The sad part is, I don't know if that's a responsbility that I'm ready for right now.

Again, there is soooooooooo much more to this than just what I've written here. So much more. This is just the direction that today's run took me in. It's good to look at things from all angles.

I kinda got the impression yesterday that T was a little hurt by me asking for some space for an evening. Of course, that's his own "stuff" that he's gotta deal with, and I can't feel responsible for it, since what I asked for certainly wasn't anywhere close to being in the realm of "unreasonable". Still, it was interesting to take note of.

It boils down to the fact that I gotta be me. I have to figure out how I'm going to do that. Because the thing is, no matter who I am in a relationship with, whether it's a friendship, or a "romantic relationship", at the end of the day, the only person I can always count on being there is ME.

I have to start taking more responsibility for myself. Today I keep moving in that direction.

Stress Relief and Some Clarity

I haven't been out for a good long run in a while. This afternoon I was inspired to get out there and get my body moving - it's a beautiful day out there....all too soon the weather will be too nasty to get out there when I feel like it. Also, there's the fact that my neck situation has gone south again...yesterday morning I felt it "pop" in the shower, and the whole left side went immediately tense. I popped a muscle relaxer before I went to bed last night, and although it helped me sleep (not that I needed it, exhausted as I am), it didn't do much for the state of my neck.

My suspicions that my neck issues are stress-related were confirmed this afternoon. I was about 2 k into my run when I felt my neck unlock on the left side. Another k and I could feel the muscles positively humming. Now, post-run (10 glorious km), there's still some tension there, but it's 100% better than it was this morning when I woke up. It feels good to be able to recognize what my body needs, and go out there and do it. I think a bit of yoga on top of that this afternoon will help even more.

While out there I had the time to do some thinking over of this situation with H & T that I find myself ass-deep in these days. I can see now that I haven't been giving myself enough space to step back and look at things from a bit of a distance. Today's run gave me that...some distance to see things more clearly - I guess it's that whole not being able to see the forest for the trees...

(Time for some rambling. Bear with me here, people.)

In any case, one of the things I've realized is that this "thing", whatever it is at this point, with T, is a pretty scary prospect for me. He lives relatively close to me, just a few hours away by car, which means that, potentially, a relationship with him is going to be "real", rather than mostly "theoretical", which is what I have with H right now, since he lives on another continent.

Now, while some might see that as a benefit, it's actually one of the downfalls for me at this point.

Wait.................what?

I've been spending the last few months on a journey of self-exploration. I've been discovering things, changing, taking myself to good places. I am far from "done" (although honestly I never see myself as completely "done" - ever). Since meeting T, I've been so caught up in communicating with him that I haven't been spending time with myself to reflect and grow and just enjoy being me. I'm not placing blame here - not anywhere close - I take full responsibility for that. One of the positives of a strictly online relationship with someone (H) who lives in a different country (and a different time zone) is that it allows me plenty of time and the space to keep working on me, while still exploring my feelings for someone else.

I guess I'm just worried about losing myself in another relationship. That's the road that I went down in my marriage, and it's not a place that I can ever allow myself to go again. Ever.

And I know that it's all about me. I know that T wants me to grow and discover and to be myself and that he would support me through all of that, completely. That's just the kind of guy he is. The danger there is entirely with myself...in my own tendencies to fall into traps where I deny my spiritual, emotional, and mental needs. With H there is far less potential for that to happen, at least at this point in time, since he doesn't have any plans to leave Holland, even for a visit to Canada, any time in the immediate future.

There's also a healthy dose of fear there, too....the fear of what I might find hidden under the piles of garbage in my soul as I keep shovelling through it. "Losing myself" in a relationship is a highly tempting option....which might be one of the reasons that I am turning away from H. Being "with" him gives me a whole lot of time and space to reflect and keep working on the scary stuff.

I guess what it boils down it is that I just don't know if I'm ready to get completely involved with someone right now.

It's all very complex and still very muddled. As I wrote last night, none of this is cut and dried. Of course there is a lot more to this than what I've written here...this is just part of what's going on in my mind...the part that I mulled over this afternoon while out on my run.

Right now I'm feeling the need to step back from T, just a little bit, so I can evaluate things a little more, see things a little more clearly. Hopefully he will understand....there's too much at stake here for me to do otherwise.

I can see a lot more running in my future. Fortunately, my neck, and my spirit, will thank me for it.

I Am Me

Yeah, I made it out there again today for a run. Barely. It was sorely tempting to just laze around the house this morning. It was the kind of morning where, a year ago, I would have completely relied on C to movtivate me to get out the door for that run.

Today, however, I motivated myself. And that's really what so much of my journey right now is all about -- learning that *I* have the strength, power, and courage inside myself to do what I need to do, without leaning on others for it. Not just when it comes to running, but with everything in my life. I've never felt truly indpendent in my whole life. I've always managed to define myself more by my relationships to others, by my own personal accomplishments, than by the fact that I am me.

Sure, we all need someone to cheer us on from time to time, I totally get that, but I've never felt capable of motivating myself for the important things in my life. And running? Well, that's just one of them. And sitting here at the end of my run, basking in that unique glow that only a run can provide, I have to say, I'm feeling pretty damn proud of myself.

I can do it. All of it. I am me...and I am happy that I am.

Three in a Row

I've gotten out running three mornings in a row so far this week. That's officially a record for me! The past few months I've been rebelling a bit, only doing what I felt like doing, or not doing, even if that meant avoiding those things that are good for me. My runs have been sporadic, at best. So to have gotten out three mornings in a row, even though the runs have been short ones, feels good. It's good to know that I've gotten out there purely by my own motivation, entirely on my own mental, emotional, and physical energy. There only one pushing to get me out there is me...and that feels mighty good to someone who relies far too heavily on the motivation, encouragement, and pride of others.

I did it...and I did it for me. It feels better than I thought it would.

My body, mind and spirit have definitely been thanking me for getting back into the swing of things. It's good to be back, baby. Bluenose Marathon 2009 here I come!

PINK!!!

I love Pink. She's got such a great sense of humour, she really seems to know herself, and I just love her music!

I just recently added this song to my new running playlist.

No, I haven't been running.
Yes, I am going to start again.

I really should be running.....

I've been having a difficult time lately finding the motivation to run. Not sure what's up with that. I guess partly it's just due to the fact that I have about a million and one things going on in my life right now. Of course, the ironic part really is that when I'm running, I'm much better equipped to deal with my life and everything in it when I am running. But those things drain my mental and emotional energy to the point where I don't WANT to run. It's a vicious circle, as you can see.

Tomorrow is the first "official" day of NOT back-to-school. We're going to make it a special day for the girls, take them out to a movie, have pancakes for supper (one of their favourite things EVER) and just generally celebrate the fact that Miss Emma is not going to school. Of course, she seems to be quite tickled these days that she's not going off to sit in a classroom, or at least, that's what she tells us. I hope that attitude continues for a long while to come.

I hope to write a little more in time to come about some of our special homeschooling projects that we hope to get under way. I think I might be more excited about some of them than the girls! heh Ah well, nothing like living vicariously through your kids, right?

This morning

I had a good run this morning, the best I've had in a while in fact.

I've still been running, despite not really blogging about it, but the truth is that I haven't been tackling my running with the same enthusiasm that I once did. I guess it's only natural that there are rhythms and patterns to things like this. I feel like I may be getting myself back on track again, at least for a while.

Again I seemed to forget the joy that comes with a particularly satisfying run. I've been looking at it more as a "chore", something I know that I should do, for any number of reasons. In doing that, I'd forgotten the joy that is to be had in it. While the reasons I run are many, the reason I keep running is for the joy that it brings me.

As I sit here, enjoying the happy hum of muscles that have been challenged, it's easy to remember that joy. I just have to keep carrying that with me.

Glorious Morning

This morning's run was absolutely glorious. It started out with a beautiful sunrise. The eastern sky was lit up with beautiful pinks and oranges.

About halfway through my run, I noticed that the sky had grown almost black. It began to rain. It was one of those amazing summer rains that I live for. I love the smell of the warm pavement when the first few drops begin to fall. It rained quite steadily, and I lifted up my face to the sky and enjoyed the raindrops falling softly on my cheeks and eyelids. I met the rain with a wide smile, happy to be here on this earth to be able to enjoy it. Nothing else mattered in those moments but the movement of my body, the sound of my breath, and the raindrops on my face.

It was truly a glorious, glorious morning.

Good Morning, World

I love how getting up early in the morning and running brings me to a place of such clear perspective. Sometimes it's like a fog is lifted from head (which is ironic this morning, considering it's one of those gray foggy mornings where the fog is so thick it's like a dense cloud of mist). This morning, right now, I feel clear-headed and focused (and that's even BEFORE any coffee! heh). It's a good day to be alive.

Yesterday morning while the girls and I were on the bus headed to the playground, I saw this little old lady on the bus. She looked frail - she had a walker, and something that looked like a whiplash collar around her neck...she obviously had difficulty getting around. She made small talk with another woman across the aisle about the weather (the sun was starting to come out) and the frail lady said, "It's the kind of day that makes you glad you're still here." Wow. That really struck me. THAT is the kind of old lady that I want to be - the one who can enjoy something as simple as a summer day that much. I'm sure it makes all the difference in life.

But for right now, I hear the call of the coffee. I need a cup. Or two. Or ten.

A run in the rain

My upper back has been killing me for the last several days. It's the lack of running that's responsible for it. It happens every time, if I go longer than a couple of days between runs, my upper back tightens up, kinks, and becomes very painful. Then, a few days of running later, it's back to normal, feeling great.

I guess my body is telling me something, huh? It's happier when I'm running regularly. Then again, all of me is happier when I'm running regularly. My mood is better, my mind is clearer, my spirit feels lighter. For some reason I always seem to forget about all of these benefits from time to time. I guess it comes back to the fact that I've never been all that great at self-care. I can manage it for a while, but then I always slip back into old, self-destructive patterns. Ah, well.

This morning I woke up at 5:30. I'd set my internal alarm for 6:00 but I guess at least part of me was begging for that run. I got up and got ready to head out, and looked outside. It was pouring. Buckets. I don't mind running in the rain at all, but the thought of heading out, dry, into a torrential downpour was a little disheartening. I decided to check email and see if it let up a bit.

Luckily, it did, at least for a few minutes. Once I'm out there, the rain doesn't bother me. In fact, I've written before about how I love running in the rain, that it feels cleansing somehow. I found myself running along this morning, in the pouring rain, grinning like an idiot, loving every minute of it. It's always moments like those when I feel truly alive.

Today, I am alive. And very happy to be so. And now, off to spend a little quality time with my big boy Brad. The run was good...but a run and big cup of coffee is even better.

The Truth About Running

Damn, my running clothes stink.

I'm not one of those "dainty joggers" that goes out there in a perfectly coordinated outfit with perfect hair pulled back, a delicate glow of perspiration on my forehead. Nope, that's not me at all.

When I hit the streets at 5:30 or 6:00 in the morning, it's after rolling out of bed, splashing water on my face, hair yanked back any which way that's out of my face, clothes thrown on. I get out there with my teeth unbrushed, my B.O. drifting up into my face after barely getting warmed up. My face turns beet-red and I sweat buckets.

No, people, for those of you who aren't aware, running is a far from glamorous sport. Sweating, spitting, blowing one's nose without a tissue, and clothes so drenched in pit-smell that even the strongest of detergents can't fully erase it. You've got to deal with sloshing through puddles, squishing through slushy sidewalks, slipping on icy sidewalks, sharp snowflakes slicing at your eyeballs, rain pelting your face, sub-zero temperatures biting at your extremities and humidity so bad that you feel like you're covered in grease after the first ten minutes. There's blisters, pulled muscles, chafing, cramping, blackened toenails and greased nether-regions.

The good news about running is that anyone with the kahunas can do it. All you need is a decent pair of shoes and some comfy clothes and you're all set. You're propelled forward by your own body and strength of character. You can do it pretty much anywhere. There's nothing like seeing the sun rise or making it home after facing a particularly difficult challenge like snow or rain or sore muscles. The energy boost it gives me is unmatched by any other. It's a lonely sport, that tests your ability to be alone with your thoughts and focus on your mind, body, and spirit. It's like meditation - with sweat.

Running - real running - isn't for the quickly offended, easily grossed out wimp. When it comes to running, only the strong survive. But as they say, that which doesn't kill you, only makes you stronger.

I love everything about it.

Now...time to wash those running clothes. Oh wait a second - they ARE clean. heh

5:30 am mantra...

This morning I was chanting in my head, "Hurts now, feels good later. Hurts now, feels good later. Hurts now, feels good later."

That's all it took for me to haul myself out. Again, 10 minutes after rising I was sooooo grateful that I had. I need to keep reminding myself in the wee morning hours that as soon as I get up for a little while, then I'll be fine.

This morning's run was a short one. My legs are feeling tired...I need a day or two off to just allow them to rest. I biked a bit yesterday, too, so that could be contributing to the muscle fatigue. In any case, for at least tomorrow, I'm taking a break from running. My legs deserve it.

And Sunday morning, I'm sucking pillow no matter what!

Another Early One

I really really REALLY wanted to suck pillow this morning. I haven't been getting to bed early enough, that's the problem. But I felt so fantastic all day yesterday after my early morning, that I knew I had to do it again.

I awoke at 5, and battled with myself until 5:30, at which time I crawled out, cursing myself all the way. "Damn early morning running, stupid morning person, idiotic sun coming through the crack in my curtain..."

As soon as I was dressed for my run, however, I felt okay. I changed up my iPod playlist last night with some new music (I can't divulge the details because it's WAY too embarassing!) and so I was actually looking forward to getting out there and trying out some new music. And it was good! It really motivated me to run faster and longer.

I love the early morning start to the day. It makes me feel so fresh and alive and motivated. Even though it sometimes really hurts, dragging my butt out of my warm and cozy bed, I am ALWAYS glad that I did it afterwards. I just have to keep reminding myself of that. I never regret getting up early.

Ugh

Damn internal alarm clock.

Damn birds.

Damn love of running.

I really wanted to suck pillow this morning.............

Good Morning World

Last night I was feeling ambitious and set my 'internal alarm' for 5:00 a.m. I did indeed wake up at five, but didn't really want to drag my butt out. It's going to take some time where I again reach the point where I bound out of bed at 5:00 am with a huge smile on my face. I huddled in bed until 5:20 and then dragged myself out.

I was out the door by 5:45, feeling a whole lot more like running after a banana and some vanilla soy milk. Yum!

It's the kind of day that doesn't particularly inspire me to run. Gray, foggy, humid...my skin was slick before I'd even completed the first kilometre. I'm hoping we'll get some of those bright and sunny early mornings again soon.

My legs felt like lead this morning...it was like I was running through water. I was feeling yesterday morning's run only in that way...just a tiredness in my muscles, reminding me that I'd pushed myself a little harder than I have been lately. I did my best to push on with my legs of lead...at that point, it's just a mental game. Grit your teeth and keep on pushing. Don't think about stopping or turning back.

Things that made me smile this morning:

- Tiptoeing out of my quiet house while my family was still sleeping.

- Running through the near-empty streets.

- Seeing my girlfriend out running too, and yelling "FREAK!" at one another.

- The 5 pound poodle that lunged and barked at me like it was going to tear me apart.

- Being greeted at the door by Emma with a "Mommy, I'm STARVING!"

Good morning World.

Smiling

I'm trying to re-instate my 'early bird' ways. Chris and I have been talking about this a lot the past few days, about how much happier I am when I get up early and go out running - or at the very least, get some early morning quiet time to myself.

I set my internal alarm for 5:30, and despite having a less than stellar night's sleep, I managed to haul myself out at 5:30 as planned. I got ready, did my regular online checks, ate a little something, and headed out the door.

Oh yeah...that's right...I love my early morning runs. Somehow, whenever I stop doing it for a time, I seem to forget that fact. Early morning runs fill me with such a sense of peace, and stillness...an opportunity to be alone with my thoughts, allow optimism about the day ahead to reign...Sure, running later in the day is still great, but for some reason it's just not the same...

...and now that I've started my day off right, I'm ready to tackle anything that comes my way...

Early Morning Battle

The first time I woke up this morning it was 5 a.m. I forced myself to go back to sleep, unwilling to even entertain the possibility of getting up at that hour, even though my body probably would have thoroughly enjoyed and appreciated it. I awoke again at 5:30, and then at 6:00. I could hear the birds, calling to me. The glow from my curtains promised me a glorious morning, the kind that, one year ago, I wouldn't have missed out on for anything. I dozed until 6:20, my body begging me to get out there and move, my mind wrestling me back between the sheets. I laid there, sandwiched between Chris and Molly, listening to their sleeping sounds, visualizing myself running through the streets.

I hauled myself out of bed, waking Molly. She played while I got dressed in my running clothes. By the time I was ready to head out the door, she had crawled back into bed with Chris, and the two of them were looking quite warm and cozy indeed. It took a few encouraging words from the pair of them to finally force encourage me out the door.

A year ago I was the kind of crazy perky morning person who was out there pretty much every day, at the crack of dawn, running through the streets and loving every minute of it. I seem to have lost sight of that in recent months, struggling with depression and not having a whole lot of energy for anything beyond the basic functions of life (and sometimes not even that). Now that the depression appears to be lifting, I'm feeling excited about diving headfirst into life again. Which means, in part, getting back out there and enjoying my early morning runs.

This morning's run was short, but was indeed the kind of run left me feeling energized and alert, ready to greet the day and face whatever challenges that might arise. 'Cuz that's the thing about life - the challenges always arise sooner or later, don't they?