Perfect November Day

Today was perfection, weather-wise.

I believe it got up to 17 degrees here. Gray, mild, with a slight touch of a breeze. The smell of November was permeating everything. Days like today, feeling so overwhelmed by my physical senses, make me happy to be alive.

And well, that feeling of being happy to be alive makes me happier than anything else ever could. It wasn't that long ago when I doubted ever being able to see the simple beauty and joy in something like a fall day ever again. Sure, I still have my dark days. I still feel overwhelmed by the practical details of my life. There are still so many things that bring me joy...

- Hearing my daughters laugh uncontrollably.

- Friday night yoga.

- Red wine.

- Emails from H.

- Hearing H's voice on the phone.

- The Saturday morning farmer's market.

- The smell of autumn.

- Running.

- Early morning "snuggle and giggle time" in bed with the girls.

- Really good dark chocolate.

- Coffee! Let's not forget that one, shall we, people?

- 80s music.

- Funky socks.

- Naps.

- Newborn baby sounds.

- The feeling of drifting off into a peaceful sleep.

- A good conversation with a friend. I am lucky to have so many.

- Seeing the happy gleam in my little girl's eyes, knowing that I had something to do with putting it there.

- Dancing in the rain, and feeling the rain drops on my cheeks and eyelids.

- The late afternoon summer sun.

- Seeing the sun rise.

- A beautiful full silvery moon.

- The country sky at night.

- Writing.

- Laughing until my sides ache and tears squeeze out of my eyes.

- Snuggling under a warm blanket.


So many simple things...these are just the ones off the top of my head. I know if I went digging further I could find lots more...and it's a good feeling to know that I have so many things in my life that do bring me joy. I need to remind myself of all these things on the shitty days.

Time Slips Away...

I looked in the mirror this morning and am acutely aware of growing older. I'm in my mid-thirties, an age I once couldn't imagine myself being. It makes me panic a little bit to think of it. I still feel like I'm in mid-twenties...but that age is long gone...somewhere into an abyss. So much of that time was wasted....time that I'm never going to get back.

Lately I'm feeling disappointed in myself that I don't have my life a little more figured out than I currently do. I guess I always assumed that by this age I would finally feel like a "grown-up". The reality of my life is that I feel like I'm just pretending to be a grown up. I don't know what I expected my life to look or feel like -- but this doesn't feel like "it". Hm. I'm not sure how to change that, either.

I'm trying really hard not to wish my life away. It's hard to be "present" in a situation that I know isn't permanent. I very much feel "stuck" right now...mired down in life details that I simply have to wait out. I am anxiously anticipating some forward movement. I don't like feeling stuck. I keep reminding myself that there are good lessons to be learned here - about living in the moment, learning patience, and having gratitude for what I do have.

It's really difficult some days.

Laughter

I love to laugh. I am one of those people who laugh frequently and easily. There is much in this world that amuses me. And when it does, I rarely hold it back.

I know that I am a person given to intensity. I feel intensely. That means that I feel the negative stuff intensely - anger, sorrow, loss...my heart has felt like it's ripped in two many times in my life.

On the flip side, this intensit of emotion allows me to feel the positive stuff intensely, too. And when I have moments of feeling intensely joyful, then it makes the negative stuff seem worth it, in a way. Because I know that if I lacked that intensity of spirit, then I would never feel intensely happy.

Tonight I laughed until my sides ached and tears squeezed out of the corners of my eyes. Sure, there's lots of stress in my life right now, but in those moments of joy I experienced tonight, the stress was the last thing on my mind. And now in the aftermath of the laughter, the stress seems a little bit smaller, a little less important.

I'm very grateful for the people in my laugh who are able to help me remember that there will always be things worth laughing about. Even if it's just sitting around and being an ass for a little while.

Heh. I think I feel another case of the giggles coming on...

Thanks for the laughter. I needed it.

Being Thankful

It's a challenge sometimes, particularly these days, to focus on the things in my life that I have to be thankful for.

Last night I found out that I have some very dear friends, and I am very thankfull for them.

I am thankful for my girls, first and foremost. Always. I haven't been the best mommy to them in the last year or so. I'm working on it, though.

Come to think of it, I haven't been the best Kelly this last year or so. I'm working on that one, too.

It's funny how going through a crisis can really help make the world seem a lot clearer in some ways. I've been to the darkest point in my life. I've emptied myself out emotionally. Now it's time to fill it up with good things. I know that there's lots of good stuff, there, too. Sometimes it's hard to sift through it all when the bad stuff keeps trying to press in.

I will work on making the negative stuff melt away. Negative thoughts, negative memories, negative people. Life is too short to have it filled up with all those things.

I've said it before and I will repeat it again: the only thing I can control is me. Others will make their own choices. And while I can be disappointed in those choices, I refuse to take responsibility for them. How others choose to conduct themselves is not my fault.

The good news is that I have some wonderful people in my life who are making other choices. Loving choices. No, its no always easy - for any of us. Since when is life easy, anyhow?

Most of all, tonight, I am thankful for this bit of clarity. It's like a bright candle flickering in an otherwise dark room.