Some days (and today is definitely one of them) that I feel like what little love I have in me, I should keep for myself. Might be selfish, but I'm feeling a little low in the love department today. If I give away what little I have, will I get more back in return?
Well, that's the theory, but there's a part of me today that doesn't want to test that out.
Showing posts with label love. Show all posts
Showing posts with label love. Show all posts
Saturday, November 15, 2008
Sunday, November 2, 2008
Saturday, October 25, 2008
Negativity
Late this afternoon, a blanket of negativity spread itself over me. I'm not even sure where it came from.
Right now I'm feeling very weighed down with life. Too many details, too many things that are uncertain.
This afternoon I had a dream that I decided to get back together with C. Not because this is what I want - I think it's because part of me is craving the stability and "certainty" that he represents. I know how life with him would turn out, even if it's an outcome that I don't particularly want. There's a certain comfort in being able to see the future.
Right now in this moment, so much of my life seems very up in the air. I have to find a job. We have to work out homeschooling details. I need to find a place of my own to live. I still need to decide what I want to be "when I grow up".
There is another part of my life that is very uncertain in this moment right now, too. I haven't been writing about it here; I just haven't felt ready for it. I think it's time to start.
I've met someone.
I met H back in July, before I'd made my final decision to end my marriage. The two things aren't connected in any way - we very much remained friends until I'd decided that I wasn't going to stay with C. It's hard, it feels awkward. I'm not ready for another relationship so soon, but frankly, I don't want to lose this person from my life. The good news is that our relationship is in a bit of a 'holding pattern', because he lives in Holland.
Yeah, that's right. We've got a strictly online thing happening. It has it's benefits, actually, considering the fact that I'm not ready to be involved with someone. Our geographical and physical distance means that things can only get so serious between the two of us at this point. I have the space to go on living my life, while having fun with and getting to know this new person. It's good for me to be able to continue with my independent life and get to know myself. It's nice being able to get to know someone on a personal and emotional level without the physical "stuff" getting in the way. We've had some great conversations together - silly and serious.
But it sucks in other aspects. On the days when I *really* need a hug (and some days I REALLY REALLY need one) there's no way that I can have it. I have a lot of doubts some days...wondering if this is going to work out between us in the end, or if I'm just setting myself up for heartbreak...mine or his.
I'm trying not to look too far ahead into the future, and just look at the way things are right now. This person brings a lot of happiness and fun and positivity to my life, and I know that I'm able to do the same. And who knows? Maybe it won't work out in the end...but for now it's good, and that's what I have to keep reminding myself of.
So why do I feel so negative tonight?
Right now I'm feeling very weighed down with life. Too many details, too many things that are uncertain.
This afternoon I had a dream that I decided to get back together with C. Not because this is what I want - I think it's because part of me is craving the stability and "certainty" that he represents. I know how life with him would turn out, even if it's an outcome that I don't particularly want. There's a certain comfort in being able to see the future.
Right now in this moment, so much of my life seems very up in the air. I have to find a job. We have to work out homeschooling details. I need to find a place of my own to live. I still need to decide what I want to be "when I grow up".
There is another part of my life that is very uncertain in this moment right now, too. I haven't been writing about it here; I just haven't felt ready for it. I think it's time to start.
I've met someone.
I met H back in July, before I'd made my final decision to end my marriage. The two things aren't connected in any way - we very much remained friends until I'd decided that I wasn't going to stay with C. It's hard, it feels awkward. I'm not ready for another relationship so soon, but frankly, I don't want to lose this person from my life. The good news is that our relationship is in a bit of a 'holding pattern', because he lives in Holland.
Yeah, that's right. We've got a strictly online thing happening. It has it's benefits, actually, considering the fact that I'm not ready to be involved with someone. Our geographical and physical distance means that things can only get so serious between the two of us at this point. I have the space to go on living my life, while having fun with and getting to know this new person. It's good for me to be able to continue with my independent life and get to know myself. It's nice being able to get to know someone on a personal and emotional level without the physical "stuff" getting in the way. We've had some great conversations together - silly and serious.
But it sucks in other aspects. On the days when I *really* need a hug (and some days I REALLY REALLY need one) there's no way that I can have it. I have a lot of doubts some days...wondering if this is going to work out between us in the end, or if I'm just setting myself up for heartbreak...mine or his.
I'm trying not to look too far ahead into the future, and just look at the way things are right now. This person brings a lot of happiness and fun and positivity to my life, and I know that I'm able to do the same. And who knows? Maybe it won't work out in the end...but for now it's good, and that's what I have to keep reminding myself of.
So why do I feel so negative tonight?
Thursday, October 16, 2008
As I head off to bed...
As I head off to bed tonight, I can't help but think of this lyric:
"Don't be reckless with other people's hearts; don't put up with people who are reckless with yours."
I've been very afraid lately of someone in my life being reckless with *my* heart. Have patience with me, please. It's hard to let go of the fear and allow myself to fall, even if I'm falling into something good. Because it does feel good...and I guess that's what scares me so much.
There's always this voice warning me that I could be falling into something bad. It's the same voice that taught me that my own judgment is faulty... and continues to tell me that many days. It's difficult to distinguish between the voices in my head - so many of them telling me different things. None of them agree.
It's hard to tell which of those is genuinely mine, the voice that will comfort me and guide me and take me to good places. I hear her sometimes...but then it gets drowned out. She needs to build strength and gain confidence in herself.
I'm doing my best. I'm feeling the fear and going forward anyway.
"Do one thing every day that scares you."
I'm there. Every day it scares me.
Please don't be reckless with my heart. I'm not being reckless with yours.
"Don't be reckless with other people's hearts; don't put up with people who are reckless with yours."
I've been very afraid lately of someone in my life being reckless with *my* heart. Have patience with me, please. It's hard to let go of the fear and allow myself to fall, even if I'm falling into something good. Because it does feel good...and I guess that's what scares me so much.
There's always this voice warning me that I could be falling into something bad. It's the same voice that taught me that my own judgment is faulty... and continues to tell me that many days. It's difficult to distinguish between the voices in my head - so many of them telling me different things. None of them agree.
It's hard to tell which of those is genuinely mine, the voice that will comfort me and guide me and take me to good places. I hear her sometimes...but then it gets drowned out. She needs to build strength and gain confidence in herself.
I'm doing my best. I'm feeling the fear and going forward anyway.
"Do one thing every day that scares you."
I'm there. Every day it scares me.
Please don't be reckless with my heart. I'm not being reckless with yours.
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
Hmm......
It seems that the older I get, the less and less I understand about life, the world, and the human heart.
Funny, I always thought that these things would make more sense as I got older....and now I'm seeing that all those years I was living in a dream world, completely deluded about reality.
Forgive me, I'm feeling a little jaded today. I don't know how much I believe in love any more.
Funny, I always thought that these things would make more sense as I got older....and now I'm seeing that all those years I was living in a dream world, completely deluded about reality.
Forgive me, I'm feeling a little jaded today. I don't know how much I believe in love any more.
Monday, October 13, 2008
Friendship and Clarity
Yesterday and today I feel like I'm seeing the world, and myself, a lot more clearly than I have in a while.
I have the people in my life to thank for that.
Not everything that I'm seeing is 100% positive....but it's reality. And I'm feeling prepared to cope with that...because I have the love and support of some pretty amazing people. Those are the people that I will lean on, as I work to eliminate some of the negativity in my life. My girls are the priority here...my girls, and me...and I will do whatever it takes to keep the three of us at the top of the list.
One thing that's hard for me to accept is that not everyone is going to understand me, my decisions, or my actions. And I have to learn to be okay with that, because at the end of the day, *I* am the one that I'm alone with when the lights go out. There's no one else there but me. And if I can rest my head on my pillow and know that I did the best I possibly could, then that has to be okay....no matter what others' perceptions are. I know me. I know my thoughts and my feelings and my intentions and my heart. Not everyone else does, or likely even wants to. But that's not my responsibility. I can't force someone else to see what they are unwilling or unable to see.
I am very fortunate to have friends in my life that care about me a great deal, and are willing and able to love and support me. As I've already mentioned before, the road is a bit rocky sometimes, but I'm confident that we can work it.
I have the people in my life to thank for that.
Not everything that I'm seeing is 100% positive....but it's reality. And I'm feeling prepared to cope with that...because I have the love and support of some pretty amazing people. Those are the people that I will lean on, as I work to eliminate some of the negativity in my life. My girls are the priority here...my girls, and me...and I will do whatever it takes to keep the three of us at the top of the list.
One thing that's hard for me to accept is that not everyone is going to understand me, my decisions, or my actions. And I have to learn to be okay with that, because at the end of the day, *I* am the one that I'm alone with when the lights go out. There's no one else there but me. And if I can rest my head on my pillow and know that I did the best I possibly could, then that has to be okay....no matter what others' perceptions are. I know me. I know my thoughts and my feelings and my intentions and my heart. Not everyone else does, or likely even wants to. But that's not my responsibility. I can't force someone else to see what they are unwilling or unable to see.
I am very fortunate to have friends in my life that care about me a great deal, and are willing and able to love and support me. As I've already mentioned before, the road is a bit rocky sometimes, but I'm confident that we can work it.
Monday, October 6, 2008
Friends...
It's absolutely true that it's not until you're going through a crisis that you find out who your real friends are. And the end of a 10 year relationship would certainly qualify as a crisis.
I've had some amazing incidents of love and support over the last several months. I suspect that there are some people out there who have no idea how much their kind words, emails, glasses of wine, reaching out, hugs and support have really meant to me. Even from those of you who might not necessarily understand some of my decisions...I have felt your care and concern for me through all of this. The truly interesting part in all of this is that there seems to be no correlation even between how well or even how long I've known some people.
Of course, the flip side of that is finding out who your real friends aren't. And while that's disappointing, I'd rather know the truth than believe in something that is based on incorrect assumptions and misinterpretations.
So to my friends - the ones who have given me even the smallest of gestures over the last few months, I thank you. You know who you are...and I love you all.
I've had some amazing incidents of love and support over the last several months. I suspect that there are some people out there who have no idea how much their kind words, emails, glasses of wine, reaching out, hugs and support have really meant to me. Even from those of you who might not necessarily understand some of my decisions...I have felt your care and concern for me through all of this. The truly interesting part in all of this is that there seems to be no correlation even between how well or even how long I've known some people.
Of course, the flip side of that is finding out who your real friends aren't. And while that's disappointing, I'd rather know the truth than believe in something that is based on incorrect assumptions and misinterpretations.
So to my friends - the ones who have given me even the smallest of gestures over the last few months, I thank you. You know who you are...and I love you all.
Wednesday, July 2, 2008
Ten Years Ago Today....
Ten years ago this very day was one of the most terrifying and yet happiest days of my lives.
Ten years ago I met Chris - in person. We'd known each other online for a couple of months, and on July 2, 1998, he came to the city I was living in so we could finally meet "for real".
Ten years ago, I found out that the man (boy, really) I'd been talking to for the last two months really was the person that he'd made himself out to be.
Ten years ago, although I wasn't entirely sure of it, my life began down a completely different path, a path that we have been on together ever since.
Ten years ago, I looked into a pair of beautiful brown eyes and allowed myself to fall completely in love.
And ten years later, I love him still.
Ten years ago I met Chris - in person. We'd known each other online for a couple of months, and on July 2, 1998, he came to the city I was living in so we could finally meet "for real".
Ten years ago, I found out that the man (boy, really) I'd been talking to for the last two months really was the person that he'd made himself out to be.
Ten years ago, although I wasn't entirely sure of it, my life began down a completely different path, a path that we have been on together ever since.
Ten years ago, I looked into a pair of beautiful brown eyes and allowed myself to fall completely in love.
And ten years later, I love him still.
Tuesday, June 3, 2008
Hmmmm.......
I don't know which sound is sweeter.....
The sound of my coffee grinder, preparing the beans.....
or....
The little gurgles coming from "Brad" to let me know that the coffee is ready and waiting for me....
Ahhh.........
The sound of my coffee grinder, preparing the beans.....
or....
The little gurgles coming from "Brad" to let me know that the coffee is ready and waiting for me....
Ahhh.........
Thursday, May 8, 2008
Dear Brad
To My Dearest Brad:
It's only been one week since you've entered my life, and I must confess that already I can not live without you. You are such a joy in my life and I'm so happy that we were able to find one another. Even though I know I shouldn't, I often find myself daydreaming about your sweet, smiling face, and your sleek, sexy exterior....
I think about you every day and often can not wait until we are able to spend time together.
You must be told how much joy you bring into my life. In the morning I wake up thinking about you, knowing that you will be there, waiting for me, eager to fulfill my needs. And yet you ask for nothing in return, only that I put your talents to good use. And put them to good use, I do.
I never imagined that I could I find true love in such an unlikely place, and yet, I have. I am thankful every day that we found one another, and I can only hope that our relationship will continue for many years to come.
I deeply apologize for the hostility and jealously that my husband has shown toward you. He obviously doesn't understand our connection and the bond that you and I have. I have discovered that it's useless to try and make him understand what we have with one another. I can only hope that he will curb his open acts of aggression towards you.
Quite frankly, it's no wonder that he feels so threatened by your presence. Not only are you sleek and sexy, but you have sent me to the throes of ecstasy that not even my partner of 10 years been able to manage..
Thank you, my dearest, for all that you do for me, for the joy that you bring, for the love that you bestow. I love you, Brad.
It's only been one week since you've entered my life, and I must confess that already I can not live without you. You are such a joy in my life and I'm so happy that we were able to find one another. Even though I know I shouldn't, I often find myself daydreaming about your sweet, smiling face, and your sleek, sexy exterior....
I think about you every day and often can not wait until we are able to spend time together.
You must be told how much joy you bring into my life. In the morning I wake up thinking about you, knowing that you will be there, waiting for me, eager to fulfill my needs. And yet you ask for nothing in return, only that I put your talents to good use. And put them to good use, I do.
I never imagined that I could I find true love in such an unlikely place, and yet, I have. I am thankful every day that we found one another, and I can only hope that our relationship will continue for many years to come.
I deeply apologize for the hostility and jealously that my husband has shown toward you. He obviously doesn't understand our connection and the bond that you and I have. I have discovered that it's useless to try and make him understand what we have with one another. I can only hope that he will curb his open acts of aggression towards you.
Quite frankly, it's no wonder that he feels so threatened by your presence. Not only are you sleek and sexy, but you have sent me to the throes of ecstasy that not even my partner of 10 years been able to manage..
Thank you, my dearest, for all that you do for me, for the joy that you bring, for the love that you bestow. I love you, Brad.
Saturday, April 26, 2008
A Note To My Hubby
(For those of you who don't know, last fall my husband quit his full time (dead end) job to go back to school full time. )
Your first semester is over! You've worked so hard these last 8 months and all of the hard work has paid off. I probably don't tell you enough how very proud I am of you. Making the decision to go back to school wasn't an easy one for us, but it felt right from the start, even despite the difficulties and the challenges that we have faced.
I know that over the last 8 months I haven't always been as supportive as I could and should have. I've been a little too focused on myself, and my own wants and needs, and for that, I am truly sorry. You know that I'm on the road to healing, and I sincerely hope that it has shown up lately in my support and love for you. Even when I haven't been showing it, I've always been behind you in this decision.
I've given up guessing any more what the future holds for us, but I know that as long as we have each other, then everything will be just fine. You're a great father, a wonderful husband, a terrific friend, and I am so fortunate that I have you in my life.
Thank you for being you.
* * *
Dear Sweetie:Your first semester is over! You've worked so hard these last 8 months and all of the hard work has paid off. I probably don't tell you enough how very proud I am of you. Making the decision to go back to school wasn't an easy one for us, but it felt right from the start, even despite the difficulties and the challenges that we have faced.
I know that over the last 8 months I haven't always been as supportive as I could and should have. I've been a little too focused on myself, and my own wants and needs, and for that, I am truly sorry. You know that I'm on the road to healing, and I sincerely hope that it has shown up lately in my support and love for you. Even when I haven't been showing it, I've always been behind you in this decision.
I've given up guessing any more what the future holds for us, but I know that as long as we have each other, then everything will be just fine. You're a great father, a wonderful husband, a terrific friend, and I am so fortunate that I have you in my life.
Thank you for being you.
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