Six Feet Under.....

Last year I discovered the television series "Six Feet Under". It came highly recommended to me by a neighbour of mine....and I loved every single minute of it. I'm not much of a t.v. watcher these days, but there's something about this series that really resonated with me...and still does. Maybe it's because so much of the show is about really living the life that you have....because it can all be over in the blink of an eye. I seem to be more acutely aware of that at this point in my life than I have been ever before.

This television series moved me in a way that no other show has. I actually broke down watching the series finale...it was that powerful and moving. I only wish that I could watch it all again for the very first time.

Tonight I found a quote from what I'm pretty sure is the final season of the show...a quote that's really speaking to me tonight. You don't have to be a fan of the show, or know any of the characters for this quote to have meaning. This quote sums up pretty well where I am right now.

"I spent my whole life being scared. Scared of not being ready and not being right and not being who I should be. "

Um....yeah. That's EXACTLY where I have been for my entire life...and where I still sit right now. The thing is, I think I know what I have to do to start turning that around...but I'm not sure if the fear is going to hold me back or not.

I've spent my whole life either regretting the past or worrying about the future. Enjoying the moment is so hard for me...because I always feel like I'm on the brink of losing everything.

I still have a hard time believing that I deserve the goodness, even when it feels like it's being handed to me on a silver platter. What would have to happen for me to actually believe in myself....?

Today

I think the last time I looked at the clock last night it was 3:45 a.m.

I really resent turning into an insomniac. I always used to be the person who slept TOO MUCH when there was something on my mind.

Stupid brain.

Damn heart.

Today might be the day that I curl up into a ball in the corner and think of reasons why I should run away.

I'm trying to fight it, honestly, I really am...but it's so hard. Some days, and it would seem that today is one of them, the negativity is overwhelming.

Thanks for *that* particular trait, mom. Being able to always look on the dark side is one of the many gifts that you bestowed upon me......

Making An Effort

I spent the afternoon de-cluttering and organizing. I got rid of a lot of "stuff" that's just been taking up space...put things back where they belonged, went through my email inbox and cleared hundreds of emails out of there...hell, I even scrubbed out my microwave.

It feels good to get some "practical" things done. I feel like a big part of my life is on hold right now...I'm sitting here feeling helpless, waiting for the ball to get rolling. I am applying for jobs, so that feels good, but now I sit and wait to hear back. Until I actually land a job, then I can't move forward with other details like securing child care for the girls, and finding a place to live, blah blah blah.

I'm feeling frustrated with this lack of movement in my life. I guess I'm in a place right now where I've made my decision, and I just want to start moving forward with things. I want to start building my new life. This "stuck in the middle" stuff is really weighing down on me.

I guess I need to cut myself some slack, and recognize that some things, particularly things like this, take time.

Sometimes I feel like I'm spending my whole life either missing things from the past, or looking ahead to the future. Living in the "now", and appreciating what I have, is the most difficult thing for me.

This, like so many things, I am working on. Maybe I always will be.

Taking a Deep Breath....

Well, as you can tell, I was feeling more than a bit overwhelmed this morning. The feeling lasted well into the day.

Upon further inspection (and thanks to an email from a terrific friend) I realized that much of what I was feeling was grief. Grief over the loss of the life I had envisioned for myself and the girls, particularly in terms of homeschooling. The homeschooling will continue for the rest of this year, but there's likely no way for it to go beyond that.

I feel disappointed in losing that, obviously. Being a "homeschooling mom" is a huge identity that I'd built for myself...to the point where I'd ignored other aspects of my being. Now it's time to get in touch with those other parts of myself...and that's a scary prospect, too. I guess there's some grief involved in losing that particular identity as well. Now I'm left with the task of, once again, figuring out where I fit into this world. It's not easy.

I guess what this all boils down to is change...and fear of that change. Fear is powerful, and has done a lot of damage in my life over the years. I've vowed to work toward changing that...so here I am...staring it full-on in the face once again.

I'm grateful for my friends (and you know who you are) who have been giving me pep talks and support and help through all of this. I appreciate it likely more than you know.