Priceless Parenting Moment

Today the girls and I were walking home from an outing, and out of nowhere, Em asked what it meant to be a failure (she'd heard this on an Arthur video, apparently).

I explained what failing at something meant (have I mentioned how much I love the fact that my 5 year old is a word person too???).

There was a thoughtful pause after which Miss Em emphatically declared, "Well! I'm not a failure at anything!!"


(and then slightly quieter)


"....................................................except maybe cleaning my room."

I know how you feel, kiddo. Mine's not exactly a palace at the moment, either.

The Best Way to Wake Up....

I can think of few better ways to wake up in the morning with snuggles from Mo. She usually wanders into my bed in the middle of the night most nights, which I don't really object to. We never officially "co-slept" with either one of the girls, but always had an "open-bed" policy for whenever they needed it.

So...yeah. It's been a rare night in the last 5 1/2 years that I haven't had one or both kids in my bed.

This morning when Mo woke up she was snugglier than usual. She woke up early....about 6:30, and after my late night last night (despite my best efforts to get to bed early), I woke up feeling pretty groggy.

We laid in bed snuggling and talking a bit in our made-up "gibberish" language. Then, out of nowhere, I got the world's biggest hug, and Mo said sweetly, "You're the best mommy in the whole world."

Wow.

Thanks for making my day, kid. I love you, too.

Today....

Today was a pretty good day, all things considered. We were supposed to have a playdate with some other homeschoolers, but that fell through when Miss E woke up this morning, feeling crummy (after we 3 girls had a bit of a sleep in). She came to me and very nicely informed me that she wasn't feeling well from her cold, and thought that it would be best if we stayed at home and had a quiet day, instead of going to our playdate. She said she felt like she needed to just stay in her pjs all day and not do much of anything.

And really, who am I to argue with that?

So it was a quiet day indeed. I got to chat on msn with H. The girls and I hung out and read some books. We enjoyed some dancing and a bit of "tickle time". The girls had a little extra videos. E had a nice long hot bath. I got some cleaning done, sent off my resume for another job, and even managed a little yoga for good measure, and a bit of snuggle time on the couch with the little sickie. I know that lazy days like these are numbered, and soon life is going to be changing dramatically for all 3 of us....so it's good that we were able to enjoy it.

A lot of today was spent simply enjoying the moment as I was in it...and it was good to be able to do that, since so much of my life these days is spent worrying about the future. The thing about the future is that it's coming...and there's nothing I can do about that, besides truly live each day as it arrives.

And after today, I'm feeling a lot more equipped to be able to do that. So tonight, I'm smiling. I've been doing a lot of that today.

Looking For Positives

Woke up this morning still feeling steeped in a negative funk. It didn't help matters that the woman who never has problems sleeping, couldn't sleep last night. I'm not sure what was going on there, althoughI don't think it had anything to do with being nervous about today's interview. Who knows what was going on there.

In any case, I'm trying this morning to pull myself up out of this funk. It's hard. I'm going to try and look at the good things...because I do have things to be grateful for.

- I feel better about the shopping expedition than I did last night. I actually have a choice of what to wear today, and a coffee date with a girlfriend this morning should help me make the final decision.

- Speaking of this girlfriend, a coffee date with her is always good. If nothing else it get my mind off my funk and get me filled up with even more caffeine, which always helps.

- I'm reminding myself that even though it's been a long time, I was always really good at job interviews "back in the day". It's not like I've got everything riding on this job. If I don't ultimately get it, at least having an interview is a) a good sign and b) good practice for "the" job when it does come along.

- Last night as I was getting offline I got a message from my neighbour who invited me out for a walk. We took her dogs out for a bit of a stroll and just chatted about whatever. I'm glad I'm getting to know her. She may not be the kind of person that I end up having a deep and intimate relationship, but she is a good person who seems to genuinely care, and since moving in, has had a good track record of somehow knowing when I need another human being around, and being there for me.

- Obama is President! If that's not a reason to smile, I don't know what is.

- This morning I had a nice (though short) chat with H. He gave me a sweet and gentle pep talk, which is exactly what I needed this morning. He's got a helluva lot of patience, and it seems to be in huge supply today. It's good to have that encouragement and feel like I've got him "in my corner". I'm trying hard to absorb his positivity and optimism (thank you for that!).

- Tonight is aquafit night! I haven't been there in a while so I'm going to try hard to make it. Even if I don't, I have plans for afterwards to hang out with a girlfriend and drink beer and chill out. I need that. Desperately.

So it's not all bad. I just had to take some time to sit down and look for the good.

Time Slips Away...

I looked in the mirror this morning and am acutely aware of growing older. I'm in my mid-thirties, an age I once couldn't imagine myself being. It makes me panic a little bit to think of it. I still feel like I'm in mid-twenties...but that age is long gone...somewhere into an abyss. So much of that time was wasted....time that I'm never going to get back.

Lately I'm feeling disappointed in myself that I don't have my life a little more figured out than I currently do. I guess I always assumed that by this age I would finally feel like a "grown-up". The reality of my life is that I feel like I'm just pretending to be a grown up. I don't know what I expected my life to look or feel like -- but this doesn't feel like "it". Hm. I'm not sure how to change that, either.

I'm trying really hard not to wish my life away. It's hard to be "present" in a situation that I know isn't permanent. I very much feel "stuck" right now...mired down in life details that I simply have to wait out. I am anxiously anticipating some forward movement. I don't like feeling stuck. I keep reminding myself that there are good lessons to be learned here - about living in the moment, learning patience, and having gratitude for what I do have.

It's really difficult some days.

Market Morning

It was another glorious market morning. Less crowded than usual...which I guess is to be expected this time of year, as the harvest season once again is over.

Saturday mornings, specifically how quickly they come every week, make me acutely aware of the passage of time. Soon it will be winter again...without me having fully enjoyed this year's spring, summer and fall.

I drank in this morning's sun, fully aware that the dark winter months aren't far around the corner. This morning's breeze held a tangy crispness that I particularly love about this time of year. The smell of fallen leaves on the ground and withering away of living plants. Much as I dislike winter, I loving living in a climate with very distinct seasons. Too much of one thing, even a good thing, doesn't do the spirit good. I love the cyclical nature of the seasons; it's a good reminder that nothing in this life is lasting, so it's important to appreciate the what we have while they're here...even the not-so-good things. Because you know, without the bad stuff, how can we possibly appreciate the good when it does come along?

I've been thinking lately a lot about how fragile life is. We don't know how long we've got, or how long we will have the people in our lives. Normally this thought might depress me, but today it makes me appreciative of who and what I've got, and has given me new inspiration to let the important people in my life know just how special they are.

Life goes on. Before I know it, another market morning will be here and another week will be behind me. I want to make the most of the time I have...whether it's a day, a week, a year, or another 60 years.

Making An Effort

I spent the afternoon de-cluttering and organizing. I got rid of a lot of "stuff" that's just been taking up space...put things back where they belonged, went through my email inbox and cleared hundreds of emails out of there...hell, I even scrubbed out my microwave.

It feels good to get some "practical" things done. I feel like a big part of my life is on hold right now...I'm sitting here feeling helpless, waiting for the ball to get rolling. I am applying for jobs, so that feels good, but now I sit and wait to hear back. Until I actually land a job, then I can't move forward with other details like securing child care for the girls, and finding a place to live, blah blah blah.

I'm feeling frustrated with this lack of movement in my life. I guess I'm in a place right now where I've made my decision, and I just want to start moving forward with things. I want to start building my new life. This "stuck in the middle" stuff is really weighing down on me.

I guess I need to cut myself some slack, and recognize that some things, particularly things like this, take time.

Sometimes I feel like I'm spending my whole life either missing things from the past, or looking ahead to the future. Living in the "now", and appreciating what I have, is the most difficult thing for me.

This, like so many things, I am working on. Maybe I always will be.

The Power of a Smile

Every Saturday morning for more than the past year, I've been going to the Farmer's Market. I know I've written about it several times before, about it being a source of spiritual rejuvenation for me. I LOVE THE FARMER'S MARKET. 'Nuff said about that.

Every week when I go there, pretty much the first thing that I do is grab a coffee. Yeah, it's early, I've usually been up late the night before, and y'all know my love affair with coffee. I write about that even more than I write about how much I looooooooove the market.

There's this guy who works there who never fails to brighten up my morning. We hardly ever speak to one another, but he offers me the simplest thing in the world - a smile. Very friendly and just slightly flirty. Just enough to get me to smile back in the same way as I head off, coffee in hand. It's one of the things that I look forward to on Saturday mornings, that smile of his. It's all part of my Saturday mornings now, even though I don't give him a second thought the whole rest of the week. In fact when he wasn't there last week, I noticed.

It occurred to me today how important such a small gesture can be to someone else. I'm sure he has no idea that he helps brighten my Saturday mornings. I, myself, am a very smiley person, and I enjoy spreading my own happiness to other people. I hope that others are just as aware of it as I am.

So to everyone reading this, my suggestion to you is to simply smile at others when the mood strikes you...you never know whose day you might help brighten, whose life you might change. It's the simplest of gestures, but it can change the world.

Laughter

I love to laugh. I am one of those people who laugh frequently and easily. There is much in this world that amuses me. And when it does, I rarely hold it back.

I know that I am a person given to intensity. I feel intensely. That means that I feel the negative stuff intensely - anger, sorrow, loss...my heart has felt like it's ripped in two many times in my life.

On the flip side, this intensit of emotion allows me to feel the positive stuff intensely, too. And when I have moments of feeling intensely joyful, then it makes the negative stuff seem worth it, in a way. Because I know that if I lacked that intensity of spirit, then I would never feel intensely happy.

Tonight I laughed until my sides ached and tears squeezed out of the corners of my eyes. Sure, there's lots of stress in my life right now, but in those moments of joy I experienced tonight, the stress was the last thing on my mind. And now in the aftermath of the laughter, the stress seems a little bit smaller, a little less important.

I'm very grateful for the people in my laugh who are able to help me remember that there will always be things worth laughing about. Even if it's just sitting around and being an ass for a little while.

Heh. I think I feel another case of the giggles coming on...

Thanks for the laughter. I needed it.

Perceptions

It's common knowledge that people with eating disorders suffer from a warped perception of themselves. They see their bodies in a disorted way when they look in the mirror. I certainly suffered from that myself, "back in the day" when I couldn't look at my reflection realistically and see it for what it was.

While I've conquered *that* particular demon and am pretty realistic about what I see physically, I've realized very recently that maybe emotionally I'm still suffering from a distorted perception of myself.

After my post about "Getting It Off My Chest", I got an email from an old friend. In it she reminded me about a time in her life, quite a while ago now, when she was going through something pretty scary. When she came to me with some pretty sensitive information, perhaps some of the most sensitive info of her life up until that point, she felt that I was very supportive and compassionate.

I'd totally forgotten about it.

My pity-party was interrupted at the right time with a good solid dose of reality. Again, this is just another situation of me feeling responsible for other people's choices. I can't hold myself accountable when other people choose to leave me out of the loop, when they make unfounded assumptions about what my behaviour or reaction might be to a certain situation. When I give myself a good, hard look, I know that I am completely able to be subtle, compassionate, supportive and "there" for people when they really need it. Sometimes people aren't able to look past my humourous, "prickly" exterior to see that, and give me a chance. Their loss, I guess.

The past few days, despite the steaming piles of feces that are dotting my immediate environment, I am able to see that I'm getting better. I am living my life. I am present with people, particularly the girls. No being off in my "own little world", like I was a year ago. My spirit feels light. I play more. The girls and I run and skip and hop on big rocks and play together...something that I haven't felt up to in a very very very long time. I have found my silly again! Yesterday at one point Emma was giggling at something I'd said to her, and said with a huge self-satisfied sigh, "You're SO funny, Mommy."

You're right, kid, I am. This is the me that's been lost for such a long long time. I knew it was in me. I'm so happy to finally be getting in touch with it again. And no matter what people's reactions to my choices and decisions and the changes I am making, hearing those girls giggle and really playing with them, makes it all worth while for me.

Strong Women

I've been thinking lately about examples of strong women. I have several of them in my own life, women that I look up to and admire. They haven't necessarily done anything amazing or special, other than being positive, living life to the fullest, and following their dreams.

Come to think of it, that's pretty amazing and special right there.

I've been making a lot of changes in my life in the last little while. Many of them have been difficult - such as choosing to end my marriage. But despite the difficulties, I do feel as though I am on the right path in life, and going in the direction that I am supposed to be going. And on the days when I feel uncertain about myself and my choices, I take a moment to think of these strong women I know, and draw on that strength a little bit.

Because it really does take a lot of courage to chase after your own happiness. I'm realizing that now.

Joy

It occurred to me today that joy isn't something that's just going to fall out of the sky and land on my head like a giant seagull turd. Ah, if only life were like that.

After spending the last 24 hours or so actively doing things to bring myself joy, I am realizing that it's something that I actually have to go out there and look for. Maybe some days it will hide better than others, but hell, I can't find it if I never even look for it.

And so, my challenge to myself, starting today, is to do at least one thing, every single day, to bring myself joy...even if it's just the smallest, tiniest thing. I am going to out there and search for it. I know that there is lots more joy to be found than I've been experiencing lately...and I am the only person responsible for that.

Today has been great - I've had many moments of joy. One of those moments in particular was taking my neighbour's dog for a walk. I'm going to start taking her running with me sometimes, just for fun, and today was our first time out together, so we just walked mostly, just so we could get used to each other. It was amazing! It's been a while since I've owned a dog, and I'd forgotten how being around a dog can really make life seem so simple...when it comes to a dog, life is all about enjoyment. I was happy to share in her happiness today.

The Eight Irresistible Principles of Fun

This was shared with me this morning, and I felt compelled to pass it along....

The Eight Irresistible Principles of Fun

Things I love

Here are some things that I love (in no particular order)....

I love:

Coffee with lots of cream and sugar.

Dark organic chocolate.

Swimming in the ocean.

Reading blogs.

Long runs.

Sunrises.

Sunsets.

Thrift store shopping.

The colour orange.

Houseplants.

Sunshine!

The smell of raindrops on hot concrete.

Professional massages.

Sappy movies.

Happy emails.

Singing loudly to the radio.

Dancing in the rain.

Laughing until tears pour out of my eyes.

Curling up with a really good book.

Youtube.

Silence.

Napping.

It's Coming....

I can feel it in the air.

Fall.

It's been there for a while now, starting slowly, with a small hint in the air. It's undeniable now. There's no turning back. Sure, we'll still have lots of warm and sunny days, but this time of year never feels the same as early summer. There's a difference there that you can't ignore.

This is the time of year that always makes me think of new clothes and fresh notebooks and new pens. Fresh beginnings. It's the time of year when I want to start new projects, when I feel my most energetic and ready to take on the world. It goes back to school days, when September is the true beginning of the year.

This year I'm approaching fall with mixed feelings. I have my usual energy and enthusiasm, which is good. I've been making plans for Miss Emma's first year of homeschooling, and I'm looking forward to it. I love the beautiful fall colours and running in the crisp mornings.

There's a twinge of sadness there, too, at the lightening-speed passage of time and the fact that winter is hurtling toward us once again. It feels like we just got rid of the warm socks and winter books and heavy coats. I'm not ready for that yet.

I also don't feel ready for how quickly my girls are growing up. It's happening before my very eyes. Some days I look at them and my heart is screaming, "Slow down! Stay like this a little while longer!!!" But yet time marches on, and I'm powerless to slow it down. All I can do is enjoy those little moments while I'm in them, and hug my memories close to me. I'm thankful that I have so many wonderful ones.

This morning

I had a good run this morning, the best I've had in a while in fact.

I've still been running, despite not really blogging about it, but the truth is that I haven't been tackling my running with the same enthusiasm that I once did. I guess it's only natural that there are rhythms and patterns to things like this. I feel like I may be getting myself back on track again, at least for a while.

Again I seemed to forget the joy that comes with a particularly satisfying run. I've been looking at it more as a "chore", something I know that I should do, for any number of reasons. In doing that, I'd forgotten the joy that is to be had in it. While the reasons I run are many, the reason I keep running is for the joy that it brings me.

As I sit here, enjoying the happy hum of muscles that have been challenged, it's easy to remember that joy. I just have to keep carrying that with me.

Glorious Morning

This morning's run was absolutely glorious. It started out with a beautiful sunrise. The eastern sky was lit up with beautiful pinks and oranges.

About halfway through my run, I noticed that the sky had grown almost black. It began to rain. It was one of those amazing summer rains that I live for. I love the smell of the warm pavement when the first few drops begin to fall. It rained quite steadily, and I lifted up my face to the sky and enjoyed the raindrops falling softly on my cheeks and eyelids. I met the rain with a wide smile, happy to be here on this earth to be able to enjoy it. Nothing else mattered in those moments but the movement of my body, the sound of my breath, and the raindrops on my face.

It was truly a glorious, glorious morning.

Good Morning, World

I love how getting up early in the morning and running brings me to a place of such clear perspective. Sometimes it's like a fog is lifted from head (which is ironic this morning, considering it's one of those gray foggy mornings where the fog is so thick it's like a dense cloud of mist). This morning, right now, I feel clear-headed and focused (and that's even BEFORE any coffee! heh). It's a good day to be alive.

Yesterday morning while the girls and I were on the bus headed to the playground, I saw this little old lady on the bus. She looked frail - she had a walker, and something that looked like a whiplash collar around her neck...she obviously had difficulty getting around. She made small talk with another woman across the aisle about the weather (the sun was starting to come out) and the frail lady said, "It's the kind of day that makes you glad you're still here." Wow. That really struck me. THAT is the kind of old lady that I want to be - the one who can enjoy something as simple as a summer day that much. I'm sure it makes all the difference in life.

But for right now, I hear the call of the coffee. I need a cup. Or two. Or ten.

Getting Outside My Own Head

I spent the morning at the playground with the girls and a friend and her little boy. It was just what I needed this morning, to get myself out of my own head for a little while, forget about feeling tired and down, and focus on the important things in life.

I find it all too easy to lose my focus sometimes. I'm very fortunate to have the girls, they are so grounding. When I'm fully tuned in and focused on them, all of the unimportant details of life have a way of just melting away. For a while this morning, nothing mattered but making the kids giggle, giving some big under-ducks, and amusing myself at the same time.

I feel grateful to at least have that ability to focus again. I can work through the other stuff, given time. Emma and Mo will only be little like this for so long. I have to keep that in the forefront of my mind at all time.

If I live to be a Hundred....

Last night, in the middle of the night, as I was helping Molly in the bathroom, I was suddenly struck with how precious and beautiful life is. I've been feeling that a lot lately -- an all-pervasive, overwhelming sense of gratitude for my life and for the people that are in it. I'm also struck by how quickly time passes, and how it's all so fleeting...it feels like it wasn't that long ago that Emma was an infant and she and I were snuggling in bed on long lazy spring mornings...and now suddenly, she's five years old, growing into a charming, insightful, intelligent little person. It all happened to quickly...and I know that time is only speeding up from here.

If I live to be a hundred, there are some parts of this parenting experience that I will carry with me forever. The smell of my girls when they were tiny babies. The incredible loving bond I felt as they nursed. The smell of their sweet milky breath. Their first smiles. Sharing in the joy of their early accomplishments - rolling over, crawling, walking. The sound of their slow breathing, and the feeling of soft, chubby little feet against my back in the middle of the night. Their infectious giggles ringing through the house. The sparkle dancing in their eyes as they share their excitement. Hearing the words, "I love you, Mommy."

It's all so precious. And I am so fortunate.