Setting Priorities

As I think more and more about this whole idea of "cleaning house" (my mental, emotional, and spiritual 'house', that is), I am becoming increasingly aware of the importance of gathering close to me those people and things who ARE important in my life. And, I guess, an extension of that, is figuring out WHO those people really are. Because honestly, some of them aren't who I thought. And while that's disappointing in a way, it's also very freeing - to be at a point where I'm able to figure out who the people are who will really be there when things get tough (and it doesn't get much tougher than what I'm going through now, folks).

I'm seeing now that a great deal of the last 10 years was just an illusion..that things weren't really what they seemed. I feel like I am seeing more clearly than I have in years. It's an amazing feeling.

I still have a long way to go. A lot of things to figure out, a lot of things that need to be worked on and sorted out. But I'm on the right path now.

More on Happiness....

I have made *some* progress over the years in terms of this whole happiness thing. There used to be a time when I pushed all my hopes and dreams for happiness into how I looked. I told myself that if only I had the perfect body, if only I lost weight, then I would finally be happy. Those were some dark days in terms of my eating disorder.

So the good news is that I'm no longer of THAT mindset anymore. I can accept that my body is what it is, and although it might be nice to be in better shape or lose a few pounds or whatever, my happiness isn't riding on it. And if I'm miserable with the rest of my life, 10 pounds off my body isn't going to change that. I truly get that.

So that's good, that's progress. BUT....my problem is that I've still been looking outside of myself for happiness. Marriage, money, a house, kids, "stuff", friends, whatever...I've been looking at the world around me, grabbing onto the people and things in it, and expecting to find happiness there.

Not so strangely, I haven't been able to find it. Or, I find it for a little while, and then always end up being disappointed by it. The truth is that I've been looking in all the wrong places.

The key to happiness - lasting and true happiness - rests with me.

I realize that I am the only thing standing in the way of my own happiness. I could have a million dollars or all the friends in the world and still not be happy. I could also have relatively little in my life, and still find reasons to be happy and content and find joy there. It all centers around me.

I'm gonna be honest here people, though...even though I realize that happiness hinges with me, I still don't really know how to actually be happy. How to let the joy into my life. How to feel as though I deserve the good things that find their way to me. How NOT to sabotage myself. I know that I'm making progress, but I still have a long, long way to go.....

Rock Bottom

It's quite possible that I've hit the lowest point that I could possibly reach. I've done a lot of damage, I have hurt a lot of people.

The good news is that I can only go up from here, I guess. I have a lot of work ahead of me -- to heal, to repair wounds, to make things better both for me, and for those around me.

It's not going to be easy...but it's the only option that I have at this point. I won't lie - the temptation is there to just say "screw it all", have a big 'ol pity party and bury my head in the sand.

But I'm not gonna do it. I'm standing at a fork in the road, and my choices are to get better, or get worse. I'm picking the "better" option - no matter what it takes to get there.

A Rant for Today....

**Just a friendly note before I begin my rant....this is mostly directed at myself, and isn't intended to land on anyone specific, just the world in general. I'm sorting through some of my 'stuff', and this is what I've been working on the last few days.**

I've been thinking a lot the last few days about one particular aspect of myself: my need to over-apologize.

I mean, I'm Canadian and all, and I think that it's in our blood to apologize for everything, including those things that are beyond our control...but damn, I've got a problem.

Anyone who has eaten a meal prepared by me knows about my tendency to apologize for my own cooking...even though most of the time it tastes pretty damn good. I always seem to focus on the less than perfect aspects of myself. But we've all got 'em, now don't we???

I've been thinking more specifically about a conversation with friends recently where I actually found myself apologizing for my musical tastes. I was desperately trying to justify listening to certain music with a, "but it's just for running purposes, honest!!!" You know what? That's stupid! Apologizing for the music I enjoy - for running or not - is like apologizing for the fact that my eyes are blue. And you know what? I'm done with it. I refuse to go forward in my life apologizing for being who I am...particularly when it comes to aspects of myself - like musical tastes - that don't affect anyone else but me. It's not like I'm cramming my earbuds into YOUR ears and forcing you to listen to Justin Timberlake for fun. What I listen to is not really anyone's business but mine....and if anyone wants to believe that they're a superior person to me because they listen to what (they feel) is "better" music....well frankly...screw you. I'm sick of judgment...even judgment that seems 'harmless'.

I absolutely refuse to apologize for being me anymore. And if you don't like it, well...tough titty for you.

heh

Today's Thoughts...

So far today's going pretty well. No nightmares last night (I had the phone ready and waiting by my bed in case I needed it...). I woke up feeling fairly rested. I managed to get out there today for a nice little run...it's a glorious day out there.

I got to do a lot of thinking, which is something that I desperately needed.

I thought about running. I decided to commit myself to running the half marathon this coming May. Having a definite goal is good for me to keep me on track with running. I need to run to stay sane...and I'm not always that great at doing it as often as I should...so hopefully having the Bluenose Marathon looming in my face will be just the inspiration that I need. It'll be my 35th birthday present to myself.

Wow....did I really say 35? Holy shit.

In other news...I did some more processing while I was out...about me and my life over the last year and a half or so. Specifically the impact of the death of a certain family member, and how that seemed to be the catalyst for where I've ended up in my life right now. It's interesting...I expected it to be a big deal when it happened, but at the time I couldn't see it. I guess I expected a huge epiphany right in the moment, but rather it took a long time to unfold ...and it's only now that much of it is making sense to me.

The good news is...it's all good. I'm figuring it out, I'm making sense of it all. Even better is that I'm actively making changes that reflect these realizations. In the past I used to believe that just making the realization was enough...but now I know that there's more required...I need to actually change based on those epiphanies...even if the changes are just in my own thought process, beliefs or attitudes.

I'm moving forward.

New beginnings....better memories....better life....better Mama S.

A Christmas Gift to Myself

This morning after all the gifts were unwrapped and Christmas morning pancakes were eaten, I decided to give myself a little gift - I got ready and went for a run.

It's a beautiful day out there. It's incredibly mild, the sun is shining, the streets are pretty quiet. I just went for a short 5 k, but it was so wonderful to do it. It wasn't done out of guilt, it wasn't done out of a worry about the calories from the turkey dinner later to come. I didn't do it because I "should" do it....I did it purely as a gift to myself. A gift of quiet and physical exertion and time to think and just be alone with myself. I had my tunes and I just ran...for the pure joy of it...something I haven't been making enough time for this past year.

I did a lot of thinking....thinking about this past year, where I was a year ago compared to where I am right now. I still have a lot of work to do in order to get where I want to be, but I feel like I'm on the right road...and it's very exciting. This morning's gift to myself was a symbol of my commitment to myself to keep moving in a positive direction.

Today I gave a gift of love....to me. From me.


The best gift I've received this Christmas.

Wow.........

Well, internets, I survived.

This past weekend was full of surprises....the biggest of them likely being the NINETEEN HOUR power outage due to the winter storm on Sunday night.

That's right, peeps, I said NINETEEN HOURS.

NINETEEN HOURS of no television for the kids and no running water. Thank God my mom has a propane stove for cooking and a wood stove for heat. So honestly, it could have been worse. At least we had hot food and warm toes.

The worst part of the 19 hours was listening to my mom complain. Man, that woman sure can bitch. Repeatedly. About the same.freaking.things. Over and over and over and over and over and ........

Well. You get the point. It's my mom that likes to beat dead horses, not me. heh

In any case, up until the power outage, the visit was okay. My mom was kind and understanding about all the stress in my life lately. One thing I can say about her, she's got a fierce loyalty when it comes to her kids. To the point where I found myself actually defending my ex against her, much to her disgust. I mean, hell. I may not want to be married to the guy, but I don't think he's an evil bastard, either. Ah well....her heart is in the right place, I guess.

Some positives from the weekend:

- I was well-fed all weekend. One thing I can say about my mom, and that's that she likes to make sure her houseguests are well fed. And well fed I was.

- Mom let me suck pillow in bed for an extra hour every morning while she gave the girls breakfast and kept them amused. Nice!

- I had my iPod with me and was able to listen to some tunes every night as I fell asleep. YAY!

- One of my sisters presented me with, hands down, the best Christmas gift I will get this year. A Kermit doll exactly like the one I had as a kid. I don't think she has any idea how much Kermit means to me...I actually got a little weepy. It was particularly touching coming from this sister, since she and I aren't all that close. I felt like, if even just a little bit, maybe she "gets" me after all.

- I got to meet my great-nephew, Parker, and have a bit of a "baby fix". I may be done having children of my own, but I am one of those women who immediately craves being drooled on as soon as I get in a 10-foot radius of a baby. I got several huge, gummy grins from him too. I instantly fell in love. And yes, I may have sniffed him once or twice. But that's all I'm gonna say.

- I was able to stand up for myself. When my mother started in on me a little too hard last night (while the power was still out), I just went to bed. I decided that it wasn't worth it to try and prove anything to her, and so, I just shut her out. Goodnight, mom! Sit and stew by yourself. I'm not going to let you wear me down.

Yeah, there were negatives, too. Like the already mentioned incessant bitching from my mother, about everything from postal workers to the power company to the snow, to various family members. Ugh! That woman oozes negativity. No wonder I am the way I am, really. For the most part, I did my best to just let her attitude slide off me. There's no point in trying to change her - I don't think it's going to happen. I can't control how she chooses to behave, either. The only thing that I can control is my own behaviour, and how I allow her to affect me.

It's funny, that's a lesson that the universe seems to really want to drive home with me lately. The good news is, it's working....and today I'm just in the right frame of mind to be grateful for that.

A Visit With Mom...

In about an hour or so, the girls and I are leaving to spend a couple of days with my mother.

I am not looking forward to it.

This is the first visit I've had with her without a "male buffer" (i.e. "C") in about 5 or 6 years. I'm worried that she's going to take advantage of my vulnerability to speak her mind too freely, and ultimately make me feel rotten. She's an extremely negative person, and I am vulnerable to other people's moods...particularly hers. We have a long history of co-dependence that I haven't entirely broken away from.

I have been preparing myself for this visit for a while now. The key will be to remain on my guard, not give her too much, and throw up a protective barrier as soon as she pushes me too hard. I used to feel bad that I couldn't "be myself" with my mother, but over the years I have realized that the responsibility for that rests with her, not me. She's not compassionate and understanding enough to be trusted with something as fragile as my heart. Those are her choices that create that situation. All I can do is what's best for me.

If nothing else, this weekend will be a good test of the "new and improved" Mama Scarlet, who is going to do what's best for her. I'm more than a little nervous about how it's going to go.

Pray for my soul, people. Pray.for.my.soul.

heh

I Hope You Dance.....

I am *not* normally a country music fan....not at all, really. When it comes to this song, it's the lyrics that get me....I cry every single time I hear this ....I can only think of one other song that's ever done that to me.

Now, more than ever, the lyrics really speak to me. Hearing this song this morning has turned me into a complete bawl-bag more than once...

I hope you never lose your sense of wonder
You get your fill to eat
But always keep that hunger
May you never take one single breath for granted
God forbid love ever leave you empty handed
I hope you still feel small
When you stand by the ocean
Whenever one door closes, I hope one more opens
Promise me you'll give faith a fighting chance

And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance
I hope you dance
I hope you dance

I hope you never fear those mountains in the distance
Never settle for the path of least resistance
Living might mean taking chances
But they're worth taking
Lovin' might be a mistake
But it's worth making
Don't let some hell bent heart
Leave you bitter
When you come close to selling out
Reconsider
Give the heavens above
More than just a passing glance

And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance
I hope you dance
(Time is a real and constant motion always)
I hope you dance
(Rolling us along)
I hope you dance
(Tell me who)
I hope you dance
(Wants to look back on their youth and wonder)
(Where those years have gone)

I hope you still feel small
When you stand by the ocean
Whenever one door closes, I hope one more opens
Promise me you'll give faith a fighting chance

And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance
Dance
I hope you dance
I hope you dance
(Time is a real and constant motion always)
I hope you dance
(Rolling us along)
I hope you dance
(Tell me who)
(Wants to look back on their youth and wonder)
I hope you dance
(Where those years have gone)

(Tell me who)
I hope you dance
(Wants to look back on their youth and wonder)
(Where those years have gone)

Heart vs. Head

My personality is such that I am ruled more by my heart than my head. My tendency is toward emotion, "gut-instinct", and intuition in many situations....I wear my heart on my sleeve and often react from an emotional place first, rather than a logical one.

In our society, these traits aren't necessarily valued as much as they should be. Growing up, I was labelled "dramatic", "emotional" and "over-sensitive". Listening to my heart was taught to me to be a bad thing. The message that I learned, very quickly, that my own instincts, my own feelings, were not to be trusted.

Now that I'm older, I still struggle with this whole head/heart dilemma. I am still very much more an emotional rather than a logical person. That's not to say that I don't still use my head....but when it comes to the important things in life, it's my heart that usually leads the way first. The problem is that I still have difficulty relying on my own perceptions of my experiences, my own feelings...thanks to a childhood where I was taught to believe that my feelings weren't to be trusted....and years of messages as an adult that my emotions in certain situations were actually wrong.

I still struggle with this -- looking to other to validate my feelings about any given situation. Constantly doubting myself (should I be feeling 'this'?) and looking to others to confirm or deny what I'm experiencing (is it okay to feel 'this way'?). It happened earlier today, in fact, when a phone conversation with a friend had me doubting my situation, myself, and my feelings ("Maybe this friend can see things more clearly than I can...even though she doesn't know everything about the situation....").

One thing I've figured out in all of this is that our emotions simply are. They aren't right or wrong, they just are. It's what's done (or sometimes NOT done) with those emotions that is the important part. I've spent too many years feeling guilty for my feelings, trying to feel a different way in a given situation. It's pointless. Our feelings are what they are...the best we can hope for is to accept them, nurture them, and make the best decisions that we can with what we've got.

I'll be the first to admit that living an emotionally sensitive life can lead to a lot of heartache. I can sometimes feel that heartache pretty intensely, in fact. But the flipside is that my ability to feel - and feel intensely - gives me greater capacity to feel the positive emotions, too....and my perception of the "good stuff" - excitement, love, joy....are such that they're worth wading through the garbage to get to.

What this all boils down to, folks, is that I'm tired of not trusting my own perceptions. I keep forgetting, over and over, one really important factor in all of this : This is MY life. I can't expect other people to keep guiding me and propping me up the whole way through it. I'm 34 years old, and it's time for me to start trusting me -- my thoughts, my perceptions, and most importantly (to me) my feelings.

One thing I do know for sure is that at the end of my life, I don't want to be on my deathbed thinking that I wish I had just listened to my heart a little bit more. I need to start trusting in myself....this is all too important not to.

Insomnia

It's funny....I've never been prone to insomnia before. But now, every once in a while, I find myself tossing and turning, unable to sleep...or when I DO sleep, it's never that good quality, "dead-to-the-world" kind of sleep that I used to have....even when I had a lot on my mind. Actually, I used to sometimes sleep BETTER when I had too much on my mind...it was a good avoidance tactic.

I don't know if it's my age or what, but I am finding myself less and less able to do that these days.

It took me a good long while to fall asleep last night. I had another visit from Jimmy, which prevented me from falling asleep right away, and then after that I tossed and turned for a good long while before finally drifting on.

There's a lot on my mind right now. The main thing that's bothering me, truly, is how much people suck.... and how you often only ever *think* you know someone....

Further Clarity

Last night was a good night. I did a Pilates video (it's been a loooooooong time since I've done that), I chatted with H for a while, and then curled up for an hour with my favourite serial killer . By 10:00 I was tucked away beneath my blankets....the first time I've gotten to bed at my preferred hour in a quite a while.

It felt good to have an evening just for me like that....I didn't realize how much I'd been missing it.

At 6:30 this morning I woke up and looked at the time. I was shocked - I felt great. That's another thing I haven't done in a while, woken up enthusiastic to greet the day. Before I talked myself out of it, I threw on my running clothes and headed out the door.

There's something about running in the (relatively) early morning that isn't matched by another time of day. I guess it's that whole idea of having the whole day ahead of me...and to begin with a run is to begin it pretty much perfectly. It gives me the opportunity to put my thoughts together, to plan, to just enjoy some time "all for me" before I let the craziness of life set in over the course of the day. It's better than meditation, really.

This morning's run was short, just a quick 5k around the neighbourhood, but it was exactly what I needed today. Although my neck is much improved from just 24 hours ago, it's still not 100% normal yet. At this rate, though, it will be happening soon, though. It feels really good to identify my body's needs and respond to them appropriately. That's something that's fallen by the wayside over last several months....it's time that I started paying more attention to my needs...I'm much better off when I do.

I had the opportunity to do a lot more thinking while I was out there.

I realized that I absolutely CAN NOT "lose myself" in another relationship....not now....not ever. And as I wrote yesterday, that temptation is certainly there for me. At this point I don't know if it's because I'm still in the process of figuring myself out, or if that's a danger that's always going to be there with me in terms of relationships.

That one will take some more time to figure out.

With T, the temptation and the tendency is certainly there. When we "chat", together the two of us are "larger than life", "over the top"...loving life and having fun together....totally playing off one another, absorbing each other's positive energy and each of us creating more of our own. We have a great energy together. T reminds me of all the things that I like about myself, and gives me the opportunity to let those parts out to "play" in the world.

With H, I have a much greater sense of being an individual person. He is more like a mirror to me, showing me the reality of who I am...both the good and the bad. The bad is acknowledged without judgment...it is simply there and a part of who I am. With him, there is less opportunity for me to celebrate those parts of me that I enjoy about myself...simply because the energy between him and I is different. Of course, there's also the issue of the physical distance between us. Of course, ideally, that distance isn't always going to be there...so I could find myself right back in the same "danger zone" that I am with T right now.

The responsibility for not losing myself in a relationship, any relationship, is entirely my own. I can't put that on anyone else....either now, or at any point in the future. The sad part is, I don't know if that's a responsbility that I'm ready for right now.

Again, there is soooooooooo much more to this than just what I've written here. So much more. This is just the direction that today's run took me in. It's good to look at things from all angles.

I kinda got the impression yesterday that T was a little hurt by me asking for some space for an evening. Of course, that's his own "stuff" that he's gotta deal with, and I can't feel responsible for it, since what I asked for certainly wasn't anywhere close to being in the realm of "unreasonable". Still, it was interesting to take note of.

It boils down to the fact that I gotta be me. I have to figure out how I'm going to do that. Because the thing is, no matter who I am in a relationship with, whether it's a friendship, or a "romantic relationship", at the end of the day, the only person I can always count on being there is ME.

I have to start taking more responsibility for myself. Today I keep moving in that direction.

Stress Relief and Some Clarity

I haven't been out for a good long run in a while. This afternoon I was inspired to get out there and get my body moving - it's a beautiful day out there....all too soon the weather will be too nasty to get out there when I feel like it. Also, there's the fact that my neck situation has gone south again...yesterday morning I felt it "pop" in the shower, and the whole left side went immediately tense. I popped a muscle relaxer before I went to bed last night, and although it helped me sleep (not that I needed it, exhausted as I am), it didn't do much for the state of my neck.

My suspicions that my neck issues are stress-related were confirmed this afternoon. I was about 2 k into my run when I felt my neck unlock on the left side. Another k and I could feel the muscles positively humming. Now, post-run (10 glorious km), there's still some tension there, but it's 100% better than it was this morning when I woke up. It feels good to be able to recognize what my body needs, and go out there and do it. I think a bit of yoga on top of that this afternoon will help even more.

While out there I had the time to do some thinking over of this situation with H & T that I find myself ass-deep in these days. I can see now that I haven't been giving myself enough space to step back and look at things from a bit of a distance. Today's run gave me that...some distance to see things more clearly - I guess it's that whole not being able to see the forest for the trees...

(Time for some rambling. Bear with me here, people.)

In any case, one of the things I've realized is that this "thing", whatever it is at this point, with T, is a pretty scary prospect for me. He lives relatively close to me, just a few hours away by car, which means that, potentially, a relationship with him is going to be "real", rather than mostly "theoretical", which is what I have with H right now, since he lives on another continent.

Now, while some might see that as a benefit, it's actually one of the downfalls for me at this point.

Wait.................what?

I've been spending the last few months on a journey of self-exploration. I've been discovering things, changing, taking myself to good places. I am far from "done" (although honestly I never see myself as completely "done" - ever). Since meeting T, I've been so caught up in communicating with him that I haven't been spending time with myself to reflect and grow and just enjoy being me. I'm not placing blame here - not anywhere close - I take full responsibility for that. One of the positives of a strictly online relationship with someone (H) who lives in a different country (and a different time zone) is that it allows me plenty of time and the space to keep working on me, while still exploring my feelings for someone else.

I guess I'm just worried about losing myself in another relationship. That's the road that I went down in my marriage, and it's not a place that I can ever allow myself to go again. Ever.

And I know that it's all about me. I know that T wants me to grow and discover and to be myself and that he would support me through all of that, completely. That's just the kind of guy he is. The danger there is entirely with myself...in my own tendencies to fall into traps where I deny my spiritual, emotional, and mental needs. With H there is far less potential for that to happen, at least at this point in time, since he doesn't have any plans to leave Holland, even for a visit to Canada, any time in the immediate future.

There's also a healthy dose of fear there, too....the fear of what I might find hidden under the piles of garbage in my soul as I keep shovelling through it. "Losing myself" in a relationship is a highly tempting option....which might be one of the reasons that I am turning away from H. Being "with" him gives me a whole lot of time and space to reflect and keep working on the scary stuff.

I guess what it boils down it is that I just don't know if I'm ready to get completely involved with someone right now.

It's all very complex and still very muddled. As I wrote last night, none of this is cut and dried. Of course there is a lot more to this than what I've written here...this is just part of what's going on in my mind...the part that I mulled over this afternoon while out on my run.

Right now I'm feeling the need to step back from T, just a little bit, so I can evaluate things a little more, see things a little more clearly. Hopefully he will understand....there's too much at stake here for me to do otherwise.

I can see a lot more running in my future. Fortunately, my neck, and my spirit, will thank me for it.

Smiling....

I woke up this morning with a smile. It's been a while since I greeted the morning with such enthusiasm. Hell, if this continues, I may even get up tomorrow morning and go for a run.

Huh. How about that?

Life can change in the blink of an eye. No matter what direction I end up going in, today I simply feel filled full of enthusiasm, wonder, and positivity.

It will all be okay.

Happiness....

After a talk with C tonight, I've realized that I've been spending my life sitting and waiting for happiness to fall into my lap.

Guess what? It hasn't.

Choices have been made, things that can't be un-done. I can only move forward now, not back. I thought about how I have been moving forward for the last several months, but it's always been with my head turned, looking over my shoulder at what was, or could have been, had different choices been made.

Geez. No wonder my neck hurts, looking backwards all the time like that. heh.

But I digress. The point here is that happiness isn't going to magically fall into my lap. It particularly isn't going to happen if I constantly question myself and my decisions. I can't go back to the way things were. The life I had, or had once envisioned for myself, is gone; C has completely confirmed that for me tonight.

The funny thing is, even though there is some sadness about that, most of me just feels free. There is no "Option B". All I have is Option A and dammit, I'm going to move forward with a smile on my face.

Life is too short to spend it unhappy.

Wonderful Moment....

Last night I had one of those moments as a mom that made all the difficult days, spilled tears, worry and weakened patience worth it.

I was putting Miss E to bed. The routine goes that she hangs out in my room, reading books and playing quietly until Mo is asleep and then she goes into her own bed (they share a room). I laid in my bed with E, reading a book. When the book was finished, we snuggled down under the blankets and just started chatting and laughing away.

That kid reminds me so much of myself sometimes - the pure, fun-loving and unself-conscious part of me, that I don't let out to play often enough. The part of me that went into hiding for a very long time.

At one point, she and I laughed uncontrollably in each other's faces. I looked at her and it was like looking into a mirror...I knew that the pure joy on her face echoed mine in that moment. I told her the story about me wetting my pants laughing when I was 16 and we laughed even harder. It was a beautiful moment.

Then the laughter died down and she said, "I'm going to school next year." (Her dad and I had mentioned this fact to her already).

"Yes." I told her. E is extremely emotionally intelligent and VERY articulate. It's a good combination, but sometimes I never know what's going to come out of that kid's mouth. She's good at surprising me.

"I'm a little nervous about that, Mommy."

Because E is so emotionally in tune with herself, I find myself telling her things that I might not say to the average 5 year old.

"Well, honey, I understand that you're feeling nervous, and that's okay. But I want to tell you something special about you. Not everyone has this ability, but you're the kind of person who will be okay no matter what happens to you in life. You will do well at school, try not to worry."

She looked at me with twinkling eyes and gave me a huge hug. "You're a good mommy."

On my way downstairs I thought about my words and what I'd said to her...this little person who is, in so many ways, so much like me. She WILL be okay, no matter where life takes her. She'll be more than okay, in fact - she will flourish. Because she's just that kind of person, as long as she doesn't lose faith in herself...and I'll go to great lengths to make sure that doesn't happen.

And you know what? If she will be okay...then that means that I will be, too. I just have to have faith in myself as well. And I guess, if I can't do it for myself...then maybe I can do it to give my daughter an example of what it's like to live a life of courage and belief in oneself. It's not easy...but I think I can do it for her.

I Am Me

Yeah, I made it out there again today for a run. Barely. It was sorely tempting to just laze around the house this morning. It was the kind of morning where, a year ago, I would have completely relied on C to movtivate me to get out the door for that run.

Today, however, I motivated myself. And that's really what so much of my journey right now is all about -- learning that *I* have the strength, power, and courage inside myself to do what I need to do, without leaning on others for it. Not just when it comes to running, but with everything in my life. I've never felt truly indpendent in my whole life. I've always managed to define myself more by my relationships to others, by my own personal accomplishments, than by the fact that I am me.

Sure, we all need someone to cheer us on from time to time, I totally get that, but I've never felt capable of motivating myself for the important things in my life. And running? Well, that's just one of them. And sitting here at the end of my run, basking in that unique glow that only a run can provide, I have to say, I'm feeling pretty damn proud of myself.

I can do it. All of it. I am me...and I am happy that I am.

Perfect November Day

Today was perfection, weather-wise.

I believe it got up to 17 degrees here. Gray, mild, with a slight touch of a breeze. The smell of November was permeating everything. Days like today, feeling so overwhelmed by my physical senses, make me happy to be alive.

And well, that feeling of being happy to be alive makes me happier than anything else ever could. It wasn't that long ago when I doubted ever being able to see the simple beauty and joy in something like a fall day ever again. Sure, I still have my dark days. I still feel overwhelmed by the practical details of my life. There are still so many things that bring me joy...

- Hearing my daughters laugh uncontrollably.

- Friday night yoga.

- Red wine.

- Emails from H.

- Hearing H's voice on the phone.

- The Saturday morning farmer's market.

- The smell of autumn.

- Running.

- Early morning "snuggle and giggle time" in bed with the girls.

- Really good dark chocolate.

- Coffee! Let's not forget that one, shall we, people?

- 80s music.

- Funky socks.

- Naps.

- Newborn baby sounds.

- The feeling of drifting off into a peaceful sleep.

- A good conversation with a friend. I am lucky to have so many.

- Seeing the happy gleam in my little girl's eyes, knowing that I had something to do with putting it there.

- Dancing in the rain, and feeling the rain drops on my cheeks and eyelids.

- The late afternoon summer sun.

- Seeing the sun rise.

- A beautiful full silvery moon.

- The country sky at night.

- Writing.

- Laughing until my sides ache and tears squeeze out of my eyes.

- Snuggling under a warm blanket.


So many simple things...these are just the ones off the top of my head. I know if I went digging further I could find lots more...and it's a good feeling to know that I have so many things in my life that do bring me joy. I need to remind myself of all these things on the shitty days.

Looking For Positives

Woke up this morning still feeling steeped in a negative funk. It didn't help matters that the woman who never has problems sleeping, couldn't sleep last night. I'm not sure what was going on there, althoughI don't think it had anything to do with being nervous about today's interview. Who knows what was going on there.

In any case, I'm trying this morning to pull myself up out of this funk. It's hard. I'm going to try and look at the good things...because I do have things to be grateful for.

- I feel better about the shopping expedition than I did last night. I actually have a choice of what to wear today, and a coffee date with a girlfriend this morning should help me make the final decision.

- Speaking of this girlfriend, a coffee date with her is always good. If nothing else it get my mind off my funk and get me filled up with even more caffeine, which always helps.

- I'm reminding myself that even though it's been a long time, I was always really good at job interviews "back in the day". It's not like I've got everything riding on this job. If I don't ultimately get it, at least having an interview is a) a good sign and b) good practice for "the" job when it does come along.

- Last night as I was getting offline I got a message from my neighbour who invited me out for a walk. We took her dogs out for a bit of a stroll and just chatted about whatever. I'm glad I'm getting to know her. She may not be the kind of person that I end up having a deep and intimate relationship, but she is a good person who seems to genuinely care, and since moving in, has had a good track record of somehow knowing when I need another human being around, and being there for me.

- Obama is President! If that's not a reason to smile, I don't know what is.

- This morning I had a nice (though short) chat with H. He gave me a sweet and gentle pep talk, which is exactly what I needed this morning. He's got a helluva lot of patience, and it seems to be in huge supply today. It's good to have that encouragement and feel like I've got him "in my corner". I'm trying hard to absorb his positivity and optimism (thank you for that!).

- Tonight is aquafit night! I haven't been there in a while so I'm going to try hard to make it. Even if I don't, I have plans for afterwards to hang out with a girlfriend and drink beer and chill out. I need that. Desperately.

So it's not all bad. I just had to take some time to sit down and look for the good.

Market Morning

It was another glorious market morning. Less crowded than usual...which I guess is to be expected this time of year, as the harvest season once again is over.

Saturday mornings, specifically how quickly they come every week, make me acutely aware of the passage of time. Soon it will be winter again...without me having fully enjoyed this year's spring, summer and fall.

I drank in this morning's sun, fully aware that the dark winter months aren't far around the corner. This morning's breeze held a tangy crispness that I particularly love about this time of year. The smell of fallen leaves on the ground and withering away of living plants. Much as I dislike winter, I loving living in a climate with very distinct seasons. Too much of one thing, even a good thing, doesn't do the spirit good. I love the cyclical nature of the seasons; it's a good reminder that nothing in this life is lasting, so it's important to appreciate the what we have while they're here...even the not-so-good things. Because you know, without the bad stuff, how can we possibly appreciate the good when it does come along?

I've been thinking lately a lot about how fragile life is. We don't know how long we've got, or how long we will have the people in our lives. Normally this thought might depress me, but today it makes me appreciative of who and what I've got, and has given me new inspiration to let the important people in my life know just how special they are.

Life goes on. Before I know it, another market morning will be here and another week will be behind me. I want to make the most of the time I have...whether it's a day, a week, a year, or another 60 years.