The Insecurity Continues....

I'm really fighting the urge to run away and hide right now.

Despite my current lack of employment, I am able to see that I am surrounded by a lot of goodness in my life. I am suspicious and untrusting of it. I am trying to over-analyze it, pick it apart, keep people at a distance...keep the goodness at a distance.

Last night I came home after the interview from hell and had a brief chat with H, who did his best to cheer me up. Then I immersed myself in Dexter and some chocolate. It didn't have the desired effect. As I was on my way to bed, I phoned T, who managed to make me laugh, and briefly forget about the fact that I'm feeling completely and utterly pathetic right now.

Of course, after hanging up the phone and turning out the light I was left with one penetrating thought.

I don't deserve the good things.

It's gonna be a long day, people. I don't think there's enough chocolate around to make this one better.........

Tit - for - Tat

So I chatted briefly this morning with H, and he made a specific point of letting me know that he's got not one, but TWO dates this upcoming week. With two different women.

I'm not going to lie, I'm not very happy about that. The thing is, I'm not in any kind of position to be unhappy about it. After all, I am spending the whole day tomorrow with T. I certainly don't expect to be able to do what I want, and not give him the same consideration in return.

Still....it sucks.

But realistically, he's just as entitled to finding happiness as I am....and honestly, finding someone "real", and making a real connection, instead of just a theoretical one, probably makes a whole lot more sense.

It's funny...if all of this makes so much sense, then I wonder why I still feel so shitty about it?

Further Clarity

Last night was a good night. I did a Pilates video (it's been a loooooooong time since I've done that), I chatted with H for a while, and then curled up for an hour with my favourite serial killer . By 10:00 I was tucked away beneath my blankets....the first time I've gotten to bed at my preferred hour in a quite a while.

It felt good to have an evening just for me like that....I didn't realize how much I'd been missing it.

At 6:30 this morning I woke up and looked at the time. I was shocked - I felt great. That's another thing I haven't done in a while, woken up enthusiastic to greet the day. Before I talked myself out of it, I threw on my running clothes and headed out the door.

There's something about running in the (relatively) early morning that isn't matched by another time of day. I guess it's that whole idea of having the whole day ahead of me...and to begin with a run is to begin it pretty much perfectly. It gives me the opportunity to put my thoughts together, to plan, to just enjoy some time "all for me" before I let the craziness of life set in over the course of the day. It's better than meditation, really.

This morning's run was short, just a quick 5k around the neighbourhood, but it was exactly what I needed today. Although my neck is much improved from just 24 hours ago, it's still not 100% normal yet. At this rate, though, it will be happening soon, though. It feels really good to identify my body's needs and respond to them appropriately. That's something that's fallen by the wayside over last several months....it's time that I started paying more attention to my needs...I'm much better off when I do.

I had the opportunity to do a lot more thinking while I was out there.

I realized that I absolutely CAN NOT "lose myself" in another relationship....not now....not ever. And as I wrote yesterday, that temptation is certainly there for me. At this point I don't know if it's because I'm still in the process of figuring myself out, or if that's a danger that's always going to be there with me in terms of relationships.

That one will take some more time to figure out.

With T, the temptation and the tendency is certainly there. When we "chat", together the two of us are "larger than life", "over the top"...loving life and having fun together....totally playing off one another, absorbing each other's positive energy and each of us creating more of our own. We have a great energy together. T reminds me of all the things that I like about myself, and gives me the opportunity to let those parts out to "play" in the world.

With H, I have a much greater sense of being an individual person. He is more like a mirror to me, showing me the reality of who I am...both the good and the bad. The bad is acknowledged without judgment...it is simply there and a part of who I am. With him, there is less opportunity for me to celebrate those parts of me that I enjoy about myself...simply because the energy between him and I is different. Of course, there's also the issue of the physical distance between us. Of course, ideally, that distance isn't always going to be there...so I could find myself right back in the same "danger zone" that I am with T right now.

The responsibility for not losing myself in a relationship, any relationship, is entirely my own. I can't put that on anyone else....either now, or at any point in the future. The sad part is, I don't know if that's a responsbility that I'm ready for right now.

Again, there is soooooooooo much more to this than just what I've written here. So much more. This is just the direction that today's run took me in. It's good to look at things from all angles.

I kinda got the impression yesterday that T was a little hurt by me asking for some space for an evening. Of course, that's his own "stuff" that he's gotta deal with, and I can't feel responsible for it, since what I asked for certainly wasn't anywhere close to being in the realm of "unreasonable". Still, it was interesting to take note of.

It boils down to the fact that I gotta be me. I have to figure out how I'm going to do that. Because the thing is, no matter who I am in a relationship with, whether it's a friendship, or a "romantic relationship", at the end of the day, the only person I can always count on being there is ME.

I have to start taking more responsibility for myself. Today I keep moving in that direction.

Stress Relief and Some Clarity

I haven't been out for a good long run in a while. This afternoon I was inspired to get out there and get my body moving - it's a beautiful day out there....all too soon the weather will be too nasty to get out there when I feel like it. Also, there's the fact that my neck situation has gone south again...yesterday morning I felt it "pop" in the shower, and the whole left side went immediately tense. I popped a muscle relaxer before I went to bed last night, and although it helped me sleep (not that I needed it, exhausted as I am), it didn't do much for the state of my neck.

My suspicions that my neck issues are stress-related were confirmed this afternoon. I was about 2 k into my run when I felt my neck unlock on the left side. Another k and I could feel the muscles positively humming. Now, post-run (10 glorious km), there's still some tension there, but it's 100% better than it was this morning when I woke up. It feels good to be able to recognize what my body needs, and go out there and do it. I think a bit of yoga on top of that this afternoon will help even more.

While out there I had the time to do some thinking over of this situation with H & T that I find myself ass-deep in these days. I can see now that I haven't been giving myself enough space to step back and look at things from a bit of a distance. Today's run gave me that...some distance to see things more clearly - I guess it's that whole not being able to see the forest for the trees...

(Time for some rambling. Bear with me here, people.)

In any case, one of the things I've realized is that this "thing", whatever it is at this point, with T, is a pretty scary prospect for me. He lives relatively close to me, just a few hours away by car, which means that, potentially, a relationship with him is going to be "real", rather than mostly "theoretical", which is what I have with H right now, since he lives on another continent.

Now, while some might see that as a benefit, it's actually one of the downfalls for me at this point.

Wait.................what?

I've been spending the last few months on a journey of self-exploration. I've been discovering things, changing, taking myself to good places. I am far from "done" (although honestly I never see myself as completely "done" - ever). Since meeting T, I've been so caught up in communicating with him that I haven't been spending time with myself to reflect and grow and just enjoy being me. I'm not placing blame here - not anywhere close - I take full responsibility for that. One of the positives of a strictly online relationship with someone (H) who lives in a different country (and a different time zone) is that it allows me plenty of time and the space to keep working on me, while still exploring my feelings for someone else.

I guess I'm just worried about losing myself in another relationship. That's the road that I went down in my marriage, and it's not a place that I can ever allow myself to go again. Ever.

And I know that it's all about me. I know that T wants me to grow and discover and to be myself and that he would support me through all of that, completely. That's just the kind of guy he is. The danger there is entirely with myself...in my own tendencies to fall into traps where I deny my spiritual, emotional, and mental needs. With H there is far less potential for that to happen, at least at this point in time, since he doesn't have any plans to leave Holland, even for a visit to Canada, any time in the immediate future.

There's also a healthy dose of fear there, too....the fear of what I might find hidden under the piles of garbage in my soul as I keep shovelling through it. "Losing myself" in a relationship is a highly tempting option....which might be one of the reasons that I am turning away from H. Being "with" him gives me a whole lot of time and space to reflect and keep working on the scary stuff.

I guess what it boils down it is that I just don't know if I'm ready to get completely involved with someone right now.

It's all very complex and still very muddled. As I wrote last night, none of this is cut and dried. Of course there is a lot more to this than what I've written here...this is just part of what's going on in my mind...the part that I mulled over this afternoon while out on my run.

Right now I'm feeling the need to step back from T, just a little bit, so I can evaluate things a little more, see things a little more clearly. Hopefully he will understand....there's too much at stake here for me to do otherwise.

I can see a lot more running in my future. Fortunately, my neck, and my spirit, will thank me for it.

Late Night Observation.....

It's late...way later than I should be up. I've been talking with T for most of the evening. It's weird, but, as time goes on, I feel more confused and conflicted and messed up about the T/H situation. I thought that as time went on I would feel more settled, more able to point myself in one direction or another...but I'm not.

It's not getting any easier here, folks. It's not cut-and-dried, black-and-white...it's a huge messed up pile of festering garbage and the loudest voice in the back of my head is the one telling me that it's all MY fault.

Of course it is.

...........

I just don't even know what to say tonight.



I feel like I'm being torn in two.



Maybe I should just let go and let it happen......

HAPPY BIRTHDAY !!!!

Well....today's the big day. I hope that you have a wonderful birthday and that you spend it doing whatever you want to do. Everyone deserves a day like that...most of all, you.

In the meantime, here's something to keep you amused.

Let The Fun Begin....

Tuesday is H's birthday. One of the things that he loves (almost) as much as I do, is 80s music. And so I've decided that his birthday is a good excuse to declare it "80s Week" here on Searching for Kermit. I'm going to post some fun 80s videos so we can all take a walk down memory lane together.

The first one I wanted to post will always stand out in my head as one of the best music videos of all time, any decade. Lucky for me it landed in the 80s. Plus it's a great song to sing along with.