A New Favourite

The Insecurity Continues....

I'm really fighting the urge to run away and hide right now.

Despite my current lack of employment, I am able to see that I am surrounded by a lot of goodness in my life. I am suspicious and untrusting of it. I am trying to over-analyze it, pick it apart, keep people at a distance...keep the goodness at a distance.

Last night I came home after the interview from hell and had a brief chat with H, who did his best to cheer me up. Then I immersed myself in Dexter and some chocolate. It didn't have the desired effect. As I was on my way to bed, I phoned T, who managed to make me laugh, and briefly forget about the fact that I'm feeling completely and utterly pathetic right now.

Of course, after hanging up the phone and turning out the light I was left with one penetrating thought.

I don't deserve the good things.

It's gonna be a long day, people. I don't think there's enough chocolate around to make this one better.........

Back to Reality.....

I got a big 'ole smack in the face with the reality stick this morning. After spending a relaxing and fun weekend with T, it's time to get myself back in the "real world".

I have a bathroom that needs cleaning, groceries to aquire, kids demanding Christmas crafts and other such amusments, a neck that's killing me, Christmas shopping to do....

The good news about returning to reality is that I have a job interview tonight. I'm really excited about this particular opportunity, so please, keep your fingers crossed for me. Landing a job at this point means that I'm that much closer to moving forward with my life...which will be oh-so-much better for everyone.

For now, though, I'm headed out for a run. Not only will my neck thank me for it, but my spirit will, too. It's feeling particularly overloaded these days.

There's a lot on my mind these days, Internets....a lot on my mind.

Stupid reality stick. Next time I think I'm gonna hide that thing....

It's all about perspective, a positive attitude, and a healthy dose of reality......

So all joking aside about yesterday's date with T, it really was a great day.

Sure, sure, all the things I outlined in last night's entry really DID happen, but none of it took away from the enjoyment of the day.

Oddly enough, some of it actually added to the enjoyment.

So yeah...he was an hour late, due to a nasty nail that punctured one of his tires on the way into the city. I was actually starting to get a little worried...wondering if something bad had happened on the way, maybe he'd gotten lost getting into the city, maybe he was lost inside the market...

It occurred to me that we hadn't done a very good job of planning things. Without a cell phone, I had no way of contacting him. I finally got the idea of borrowing a friend's phone to call him...I was happy and relieved to find out that he was fine, inside the market, and our day could finally begin....

The farmer's market was great. Any of my "regular readers" will know what an important part of my week the market is for me. I love it all - everything from the coffee to the crowds. It was nice to be able to go there with T and share with him some of the reasons why it's so special to me. The best part was that I really had the feeling that he "got it". He had a great time walking along behind me in the crowd, talking quietly in my ear, making me laugh and grin like an idiot....I didn't find out until a little later that he was **totally** keeping a straight face the whole time, making me took like even MORE of a lunatic to the other market-goers. This, of course, made me laugh all the more...

The best part about the market, for me, was how natural it all felt. There was zero "awkwardness" between the two of us. Hanging out with him "in person" was just as comfortable and fun as hanging out with him online.

After the market and dropping off my stuff at home, we had to detour to Canadian Tire. T was completely apologetic and a little embarassed about the whole thing....but honestly, I didn't care. We were having such a good time laughing and chatting away that it totally didn't matter. Lucky for me, he didn't seem to mind (much....heh) at the checkout when I rolled my eyes at him and informed the cashier that no, he didn't need a plastic bag at all, and crammed his purchases into my oversized purse. BAH! He's got a lot to learn about the David Suzuki way....

So he quickly discovered that there was no way he could fix the tire himself, and we were going to have to find a place to get another tire. Again...more apologies by him...which I quickly brushed away...because it really didn't matter. Shit happens, right? All I can say is, thank God for the kind dude who took pity on us and fixed the tire despite the fact that his shop has been closed since February... I love it when I get random surprises by how utterly great people can be sometimes.

After driving all over creation and getting the tire fixed, (T does a much better job of re-capping the whole day on his blog), we were able to continue on with our day. We hit the museum, which was fun despite some of the cheesy exhibits (in fairness to T, we BOTH made fun of some of the exhibits...and we had a blast doing it). We wandered around downtown before the restaurant opened...chatting and laughing and just having a great time. We hit one of the great candy stores we have in the city, my favourite sock store, and just wandered around for a while. I love downtown and doing exactly that...it's one of those things I don't get to do nearly often enough...

Dinner was great. Yeah, I dribbled artichoke dip all over myself. However, as with everything else that had happened during the day, we had a good laugh about it. It was nice to just be with someone and not have to worry about "impressing" them....I just enjoyed being myself, enjoyed him being himself, and relaxed knowing that it was all good.

During the day, not only did we have a lot of laughs together, but we had some good serious conversations as well...everything from our kids, to politics, to the problems with the education system.

It's funny. When I think about the day, I can see all the potential for disaster. Hence last night's blog. I mean, let's face it....with two different people, it could have been a complete and utter disaster. But the thing is, when you're with someone that you really like being around, it's easy to just go with the flow and work with it. It's really easy to have a good time with someone when everything goes as planned. The real challenge comes when things go wrong, and you're able to have fun not just despite it, but because of it. Instead of getting caught up in all the "wrong turns", we just worked with it...and kept smiling the whole time. Whenever I think back to yesterday, I'll remember T standing in that (closed down) tire shop, waiting to see if dude had a tire for him, making silly faces at me through the window as I sat in the car waiting with amusement, to see what was going to happen next. I don't know if I ever smiled as much as I did yesterday.

In fact, I'm still smiling today.

Oh - and PS - I actually LOVED the 80s music. It's one of the many fun things that T and I have in common. I can hardly wait until I feel a little more comfy so he and I can belt 'em out in the car together.....

Sooooo...............................

Well, internets, I suppose that many of you are sitting on the edges of your seats, wanting to know how today went with T.

It was **quite** the day, let's just put it that way. I've only got the energy to give you the condensed version tonight but I promise, I'll fill in the blanks tomorrow.

Let's see.......


- He was almost an hour late.

- At the market, he didn't know what brussels sprouts were. He bought fudge and didn't even share it with me.

- Afterwards, he took me to Canadian Tire (to get a repair kit for the tire that had caused him to be an hour late).

- After discovering that he couldn't fix his tire himself, we had to drive out to the middle of mumblef*ck nowhere to get a new tire put on his car.

- After the hour+ long detour, which included backtracking several km to the nearest ATM machine, we went to the museum, where he made fun of the exhibits.

- We arrived at the restaurant before it was open, and were left to wander around downtown and kill time.

- At dinner, I spilled artichoke dip all over myself, and he gagged on the piece of eggplant that I made him try.

- He even rushed me through my coffee at the end so we could get the hell out of there.

- And oh yeah - he played obnoxious 80s tunes in his car the entire time. He even rapped.




What can I say?





BEST



FIRST



DATE



EVER.








Is it Friday yet????

"It's Not You It's Me"

Worst words ever....to hear, or to have to say.

I remember getting my heart broken once, in University, by a guy named James, who essentially said those words to me. Told me he wasn't in a place where he was ready to commit to someone, that he had a lot of things to figure out about himself, and that he couldn't do that while dating me.

Ouch.

Yeah, I took it personally - how could I not? My self-esteem was more than a little bit fragile at point in my life, and I was crushing pretty hard on this guy.

I hated him for all of about 2 days, and then just decided to suck it up and get on with my life. Ended up being friends with him, and seeing that he was a complete tool who didn't deserve my heart anyhow.

Funny how life works.

Yesterday I wrote about how I'm not sure if I'm ready to get involved with someone right now. T took that as "It's not you, it's me"....and I guess to a certain extent it is. I was thinking this morning that I've never put myself ahead of a relationship. I've always based so much of myself on the person that I was involved with that it was hard to know where *I* ended, and *he* began (whoever the "he" happened to be, in any particular circumstance). For the first time in my life, I'm getting to really know myself outside of the context of a relationship. And you know what? I like me. I like me enough to be able to sit back and realize that I don't "need" a relationship to feel complete or satisfied with myself or with my life.

That's a really big deal for me. Huge, in fact.

On Saturday T is coming to spend the day with me. I'm not putting any pressure on myself other than to just wait and see what the day brings. I hope that he's able to do the same.

Further Clarity

Last night was a good night. I did a Pilates video (it's been a loooooooong time since I've done that), I chatted with H for a while, and then curled up for an hour with my favourite serial killer . By 10:00 I was tucked away beneath my blankets....the first time I've gotten to bed at my preferred hour in a quite a while.

It felt good to have an evening just for me like that....I didn't realize how much I'd been missing it.

At 6:30 this morning I woke up and looked at the time. I was shocked - I felt great. That's another thing I haven't done in a while, woken up enthusiastic to greet the day. Before I talked myself out of it, I threw on my running clothes and headed out the door.

There's something about running in the (relatively) early morning that isn't matched by another time of day. I guess it's that whole idea of having the whole day ahead of me...and to begin with a run is to begin it pretty much perfectly. It gives me the opportunity to put my thoughts together, to plan, to just enjoy some time "all for me" before I let the craziness of life set in over the course of the day. It's better than meditation, really.

This morning's run was short, just a quick 5k around the neighbourhood, but it was exactly what I needed today. Although my neck is much improved from just 24 hours ago, it's still not 100% normal yet. At this rate, though, it will be happening soon, though. It feels really good to identify my body's needs and respond to them appropriately. That's something that's fallen by the wayside over last several months....it's time that I started paying more attention to my needs...I'm much better off when I do.

I had the opportunity to do a lot more thinking while I was out there.

I realized that I absolutely CAN NOT "lose myself" in another relationship....not now....not ever. And as I wrote yesterday, that temptation is certainly there for me. At this point I don't know if it's because I'm still in the process of figuring myself out, or if that's a danger that's always going to be there with me in terms of relationships.

That one will take some more time to figure out.

With T, the temptation and the tendency is certainly there. When we "chat", together the two of us are "larger than life", "over the top"...loving life and having fun together....totally playing off one another, absorbing each other's positive energy and each of us creating more of our own. We have a great energy together. T reminds me of all the things that I like about myself, and gives me the opportunity to let those parts out to "play" in the world.

With H, I have a much greater sense of being an individual person. He is more like a mirror to me, showing me the reality of who I am...both the good and the bad. The bad is acknowledged without judgment...it is simply there and a part of who I am. With him, there is less opportunity for me to celebrate those parts of me that I enjoy about myself...simply because the energy between him and I is different. Of course, there's also the issue of the physical distance between us. Of course, ideally, that distance isn't always going to be there...so I could find myself right back in the same "danger zone" that I am with T right now.

The responsibility for not losing myself in a relationship, any relationship, is entirely my own. I can't put that on anyone else....either now, or at any point in the future. The sad part is, I don't know if that's a responsbility that I'm ready for right now.

Again, there is soooooooooo much more to this than just what I've written here. So much more. This is just the direction that today's run took me in. It's good to look at things from all angles.

I kinda got the impression yesterday that T was a little hurt by me asking for some space for an evening. Of course, that's his own "stuff" that he's gotta deal with, and I can't feel responsible for it, since what I asked for certainly wasn't anywhere close to being in the realm of "unreasonable". Still, it was interesting to take note of.

It boils down to the fact that I gotta be me. I have to figure out how I'm going to do that. Because the thing is, no matter who I am in a relationship with, whether it's a friendship, or a "romantic relationship", at the end of the day, the only person I can always count on being there is ME.

I have to start taking more responsibility for myself. Today I keep moving in that direction.

Stress Relief and Some Clarity

I haven't been out for a good long run in a while. This afternoon I was inspired to get out there and get my body moving - it's a beautiful day out there....all too soon the weather will be too nasty to get out there when I feel like it. Also, there's the fact that my neck situation has gone south again...yesterday morning I felt it "pop" in the shower, and the whole left side went immediately tense. I popped a muscle relaxer before I went to bed last night, and although it helped me sleep (not that I needed it, exhausted as I am), it didn't do much for the state of my neck.

My suspicions that my neck issues are stress-related were confirmed this afternoon. I was about 2 k into my run when I felt my neck unlock on the left side. Another k and I could feel the muscles positively humming. Now, post-run (10 glorious km), there's still some tension there, but it's 100% better than it was this morning when I woke up. It feels good to be able to recognize what my body needs, and go out there and do it. I think a bit of yoga on top of that this afternoon will help even more.

While out there I had the time to do some thinking over of this situation with H & T that I find myself ass-deep in these days. I can see now that I haven't been giving myself enough space to step back and look at things from a bit of a distance. Today's run gave me that...some distance to see things more clearly - I guess it's that whole not being able to see the forest for the trees...

(Time for some rambling. Bear with me here, people.)

In any case, one of the things I've realized is that this "thing", whatever it is at this point, with T, is a pretty scary prospect for me. He lives relatively close to me, just a few hours away by car, which means that, potentially, a relationship with him is going to be "real", rather than mostly "theoretical", which is what I have with H right now, since he lives on another continent.

Now, while some might see that as a benefit, it's actually one of the downfalls for me at this point.

Wait.................what?

I've been spending the last few months on a journey of self-exploration. I've been discovering things, changing, taking myself to good places. I am far from "done" (although honestly I never see myself as completely "done" - ever). Since meeting T, I've been so caught up in communicating with him that I haven't been spending time with myself to reflect and grow and just enjoy being me. I'm not placing blame here - not anywhere close - I take full responsibility for that. One of the positives of a strictly online relationship with someone (H) who lives in a different country (and a different time zone) is that it allows me plenty of time and the space to keep working on me, while still exploring my feelings for someone else.

I guess I'm just worried about losing myself in another relationship. That's the road that I went down in my marriage, and it's not a place that I can ever allow myself to go again. Ever.

And I know that it's all about me. I know that T wants me to grow and discover and to be myself and that he would support me through all of that, completely. That's just the kind of guy he is. The danger there is entirely with myself...in my own tendencies to fall into traps where I deny my spiritual, emotional, and mental needs. With H there is far less potential for that to happen, at least at this point in time, since he doesn't have any plans to leave Holland, even for a visit to Canada, any time in the immediate future.

There's also a healthy dose of fear there, too....the fear of what I might find hidden under the piles of garbage in my soul as I keep shovelling through it. "Losing myself" in a relationship is a highly tempting option....which might be one of the reasons that I am turning away from H. Being "with" him gives me a whole lot of time and space to reflect and keep working on the scary stuff.

I guess what it boils down it is that I just don't know if I'm ready to get completely involved with someone right now.

It's all very complex and still very muddled. As I wrote last night, none of this is cut and dried. Of course there is a lot more to this than what I've written here...this is just part of what's going on in my mind...the part that I mulled over this afternoon while out on my run.

Right now I'm feeling the need to step back from T, just a little bit, so I can evaluate things a little more, see things a little more clearly. Hopefully he will understand....there's too much at stake here for me to do otherwise.

I can see a lot more running in my future. Fortunately, my neck, and my spirit, will thank me for it.

Late Night Observation.....

It's late...way later than I should be up. I've been talking with T for most of the evening. It's weird, but, as time goes on, I feel more confused and conflicted and messed up about the T/H situation. I thought that as time went on I would feel more settled, more able to point myself in one direction or another...but I'm not.

It's not getting any easier here, folks. It's not cut-and-dried, black-and-white...it's a huge messed up pile of festering garbage and the loudest voice in the back of my head is the one telling me that it's all MY fault.

Of course it is.

...........

I just don't even know what to say tonight.



I feel like I'm being torn in two.



Maybe I should just let go and let it happen......

BAH!

I have laughed more in the last four days than I think in the four months before that. I have been laughing until my sides ache and my cheeks hurt. I have been laughing so much, in fact, that I'm finding myself staying up until much too late every night because I'm simply having too much fun.

And yet here I sit this morning, feeling like crap. Funny how life works, hmmm?

So the thing is, internets, I've met someone.

Wait....didn't I write that part already not that long ago???

Oh yeah, right...I did.

And it's happened. Again.

Uh....what?

Yeah. I've been spending the last 4 evenings until much too late chatting and laughing online with someone. I'm not even sure how it happened (although I'm sure HE'D be saying that it was **MY** fault), but there you go.

The more observant of my faithful readers will ask me, Sooooo.... what about H?

And what about H? Well....what about H, nothin', I suppose. He's still in my life, too...very much so.

Which is where I end up feeling like crap. No matter what happens in this situation, someone is going to end up getting hurt...and you know what? That sucks....big time. Geez. Some people can't find anyone, and here I am, with not one, but two men in my life. Two. And here I am, looking back and forth between the two of them, trying to make "pro and con" lists in my head(which, by the way, is utterly stupid because I know that the human heart doesn't work that way at all).

My God....when did my life become sitcom material, anyhow?

I gotta turn my brain off for a little while. It hurts.

Forgive me for being a little flip about this whole thing. If I don't laugh, I may well end up crying. And quite frankly, NO ONE needs to be dealing with that.

So for now, I must dance.