Wonderful Moment....

Last night I had one of those moments as a mom that made all the difficult days, spilled tears, worry and weakened patience worth it.

I was putting Miss E to bed. The routine goes that she hangs out in my room, reading books and playing quietly until Mo is asleep and then she goes into her own bed (they share a room). I laid in my bed with E, reading a book. When the book was finished, we snuggled down under the blankets and just started chatting and laughing away.

That kid reminds me so much of myself sometimes - the pure, fun-loving and unself-conscious part of me, that I don't let out to play often enough. The part of me that went into hiding for a very long time.

At one point, she and I laughed uncontrollably in each other's faces. I looked at her and it was like looking into a mirror...I knew that the pure joy on her face echoed mine in that moment. I told her the story about me wetting my pants laughing when I was 16 and we laughed even harder. It was a beautiful moment.

Then the laughter died down and she said, "I'm going to school next year." (Her dad and I had mentioned this fact to her already).

"Yes." I told her. E is extremely emotionally intelligent and VERY articulate. It's a good combination, but sometimes I never know what's going to come out of that kid's mouth. She's good at surprising me.

"I'm a little nervous about that, Mommy."

Because E is so emotionally in tune with herself, I find myself telling her things that I might not say to the average 5 year old.

"Well, honey, I understand that you're feeling nervous, and that's okay. But I want to tell you something special about you. Not everyone has this ability, but you're the kind of person who will be okay no matter what happens to you in life. You will do well at school, try not to worry."

She looked at me with twinkling eyes and gave me a huge hug. "You're a good mommy."

On my way downstairs I thought about my words and what I'd said to her...this little person who is, in so many ways, so much like me. She WILL be okay, no matter where life takes her. She'll be more than okay, in fact - she will flourish. Because she's just that kind of person, as long as she doesn't lose faith in herself...and I'll go to great lengths to make sure that doesn't happen.

And you know what? If she will be okay...then that means that I will be, too. I just have to have faith in myself as well. And I guess, if I can't do it for myself...then maybe I can do it to give my daughter an example of what it's like to live a life of courage and belief in oneself. It's not easy...but I think I can do it for her.

Perfect November Day

Today was perfection, weather-wise.

I believe it got up to 17 degrees here. Gray, mild, with a slight touch of a breeze. The smell of November was permeating everything. Days like today, feeling so overwhelmed by my physical senses, make me happy to be alive.

And well, that feeling of being happy to be alive makes me happier than anything else ever could. It wasn't that long ago when I doubted ever being able to see the simple beauty and joy in something like a fall day ever again. Sure, I still have my dark days. I still feel overwhelmed by the practical details of my life. There are still so many things that bring me joy...

- Hearing my daughters laugh uncontrollably.

- Friday night yoga.

- Red wine.

- Emails from H.

- Hearing H's voice on the phone.

- The Saturday morning farmer's market.

- The smell of autumn.

- Running.

- Early morning "snuggle and giggle time" in bed with the girls.

- Really good dark chocolate.

- Coffee! Let's not forget that one, shall we, people?

- 80s music.

- Funky socks.

- Naps.

- Newborn baby sounds.

- The feeling of drifting off into a peaceful sleep.

- A good conversation with a friend. I am lucky to have so many.

- Seeing the happy gleam in my little girl's eyes, knowing that I had something to do with putting it there.

- Dancing in the rain, and feeling the rain drops on my cheeks and eyelids.

- The late afternoon summer sun.

- Seeing the sun rise.

- A beautiful full silvery moon.

- The country sky at night.

- Writing.

- Laughing until my sides ache and tears squeeze out of my eyes.

- Snuggling under a warm blanket.


So many simple things...these are just the ones off the top of my head. I know if I went digging further I could find lots more...and it's a good feeling to know that I have so many things in my life that do bring me joy. I need to remind myself of all these things on the shitty days.

Laughter

I love to laugh. I am one of those people who laugh frequently and easily. There is much in this world that amuses me. And when it does, I rarely hold it back.

I know that I am a person given to intensity. I feel intensely. That means that I feel the negative stuff intensely - anger, sorrow, loss...my heart has felt like it's ripped in two many times in my life.

On the flip side, this intensit of emotion allows me to feel the positive stuff intensely, too. And when I have moments of feeling intensely joyful, then it makes the negative stuff seem worth it, in a way. Because I know that if I lacked that intensity of spirit, then I would never feel intensely happy.

Tonight I laughed until my sides ached and tears squeezed out of the corners of my eyes. Sure, there's lots of stress in my life right now, but in those moments of joy I experienced tonight, the stress was the last thing on my mind. And now in the aftermath of the laughter, the stress seems a little bit smaller, a little less important.

I'm very grateful for the people in my laugh who are able to help me remember that there will always be things worth laughing about. Even if it's just sitting around and being an ass for a little while.

Heh. I think I feel another case of the giggles coming on...

Thanks for the laughter. I needed it.

Feeling the Fear and Doing it Anyway

The fear is still there. I suspect that it will be for some time. But I am looking it square in the eye, feeling it all, and doing it anyway.

Fear has held me back too many times in my life. It's time for it to stop.

I realized that crashing and burning is a very real possibility....but I can't look that far ahead and allow that fear to hold me back. I'm either gonna be happy, or I'm gonna be sad, no matter what I decide to do.

The good news is that I am happy right now. Whatever the future may or may not hold, whatever difficulties I am currently experiencing in my life, there are some parts of it that are very good. I feel content. I look in the mirror and smile at the reflection, feeling like a woman who is starting to live, rather than just existing.

And sure, it's terrifying. But frankly, so is the alternative.

Joy

It occurred to me today that joy isn't something that's just going to fall out of the sky and land on my head like a giant seagull turd. Ah, if only life were like that.

After spending the last 24 hours or so actively doing things to bring myself joy, I am realizing that it's something that I actually have to go out there and look for. Maybe some days it will hide better than others, but hell, I can't find it if I never even look for it.

And so, my challenge to myself, starting today, is to do at least one thing, every single day, to bring myself joy...even if it's just the smallest, tiniest thing. I am going to out there and search for it. I know that there is lots more joy to be found than I've been experiencing lately...and I am the only person responsible for that.

Today has been great - I've had many moments of joy. One of those moments in particular was taking my neighbour's dog for a walk. I'm going to start taking her running with me sometimes, just for fun, and today was our first time out together, so we just walked mostly, just so we could get used to each other. It was amazing! It's been a while since I've owned a dog, and I'd forgotten how being around a dog can really make life seem so simple...when it comes to a dog, life is all about enjoyment. I was happy to share in her happiness today.