"Blue Monday"

I read this morning that according to some so-called "experts", every year the 3rd Monday in January is known as the "most depressing day of the year".

NO

SHIT

SHERLOCK.


It's a low day, people. I'm not going to deny that. It's a day full of questioning everything, and wondering what's going to come next (and not feeling particularly enthusiastic about any of it).

I guess part of it comes back to, once again, feeling like I'm stuck in one spot and spinning my wheels. I have a plan, the plan will work and the plan feels good; the plan just actually has to get started. I've done as much as I can on my end for right now; I'm currently in "wait-and-see" mode. Once it actually starts to happen, I know that my life and my outlook on it will change dramatically. Until I get there, however, things look pretty depressing.

Blue Monday indeed.

SOOOOOO C-C-C-C-OLD......

*I do not want to leave the house*


*I do not want to leave the house*


*I do not want to leave the house*


....but I committed to taking the girls out this afternoon. We're getting together with some other homeschoolers, and frankly, we've been cooped up in this house too many days in row.

And tonight is yoga night...I haven't been there since before Christmas; it's very much a requirement at this point - for my physical, mental, and emotional well-being. I simply *must* go. Gal's gotta stay bendy after all.

I just hope I don't freeze off anything essential.

Is it spring yet????

Cleaning House

Anyone who reads my blog on a regular basis knows that to say I've been going through a tough time of it is an understatement. I have a lot of stress and uncertainty in my life at the moment. Yeah, I have good things, too...I have my girls and I have some good friends, and I have T. Those are all great things.

In the last couple of days I've been thinking a lot about those things/people/situations that I have in my life that aren't helpful to me. It's funny, because some of the people, especially, I thought were friends. It's sad to learn that really, in fact, they are not.

I am making the conscious decision right now to remove extra stressors from my life. I'm not saying that I'm cutting people out because I don't want to deal with them and I'm writing them off forever - I'm simply removing them as an added stressor to my life right now.

Extra stress is simply not welcome in my life right now.

It's sad to be saying goodbye to certain people, situations, and things in my life right now, on top of everything else. I have a feeling that it's going to be a year full of saying goodbye. The good news is, I also think that it's going to be a year full of new and exciting changes.

Eventually the stressors will be removed or sorted out. Eventually I will find my forward momentum. Eventually the scales will tip, and life will be more good than bad. I feel confident of all these things today. Cleaning house is a good thing.

No, I'm NOT finished my shopping, thanks for asking....

More shopping today.

Fa la la la la....blah blah blah.....BAH!

***I'm not worthy***

Today I've got fear and doubt creeping in, big time. I've had a great few days, so many good things happening, a lot of positivity. I've been riding a "happy wave" for days now, and to be honest, it's surprising the hell out of me.

Of course, there's always that nagging little voice at the back telling me that it can't go on forever...that the bottom will fall out of it sooner or later.

Today that voice is louder than it usually is. Stupid voice.

I guess I'm very much feeling like I'm not worthy of the fabulous-ness that has somehow found me. Of course, I guess I've pretty much never really felt worthy of that. I suppose the fact that it's not here all the time any more is something to be grateful for.

It's really hard for me to just sit back and enjoy the good without thinking of the negatives that are attached to it. The older I get, the more I see that life is about opposites...yin and yang...and that it's impossible to have positive without some negative attached to it on the opposite side of the coin.

Frankly, it sucks.

Over-thinking....

Well, I knew that with my wave of positivity that I've been feeling the last few days, I would probably reach a point where I started over-thinking.

I'm having a hard time today trusting in the good feelings that I've been experiencing. Part of me keeps waiting for the bottom to fall out. Seems like it always does, sooner or later. It's like I can I never have the good without the bad to go along with it.

Okay, okay, okay....deep breath.

I'm just going to go with the flow, roll with the punches...wait and see where life takes me, and deal with when it comes.

And try not to over-think.

Besides...thinking is highly over-rated anyhow, doncha think?

Ah, kids...

So tonight as I was making dinner I cranked the music and danced around the kitchen, singing loudly while I worked. Yes, yes I am in a good mood....thanks for noticing.

"Mommy, your tummy is showing," Miss E observed.

Um.....yeah. At that moment I may or may not have been swivelling my hips with my arms over my head. Picture something dirty dancing-eque but WAY less cool. WAY.

"Yes it is." I agreed, continuing to dance.

She started laughing hysterically. "It's all jiggly and wiggly."

Gee, Kid, thanks for the self-esteem boost.

"Is that so?" I asked, imagining (1988) Patrick Swayze pointing his sweaty body in my direction.

She crossed the room to give my (still-exposed) gyrating belly a pat. "Not in a bad way, in a funny way."

Wow. Keep it coming, girl. You're on a roll.

"Oh really?"

"It's just because you had babies in your belly."

That's right, kid. Just remember that, would ya? I've got YOU to thank for this...


So yeah...guess it's time to break out the old Pilates DVD. 'Cuz if my 5 year old is making comments, hell knows what Mr. Swayze would have to say....

Today

I don't have a whole lot to say today.


I'm still trying to figure out if that's a good thing, or a bad one.

Neck Update

So yeah...my doc and I had a chat about neck this morning when I went to see her.

Basically she said keep doing what I'm doing - hot showers/baths, gentle stretching, ibuprofen. She also gave me a prescription for some muscle relaxants (YAY!) and wants me to look into my medical coverage for massage and physio (which I know is minimal). So basically I'm left to "suck it up" until this flare up is over, and hope by the time I have another one, I'll have some good medical coverage of my own in place....

Today's been a bit better on the neck front anyhow. I'm hoping with all my might that I'm back in good working order for Friday's yoga class....

Rotten Day

I find it highly ironic that I woke up this morning feeling more positive and hopeful about life than I have in a long time, and it turned out being a rotten day.

I had a nice early chat with H this morning that started the morning off well. I shared my positivity with him, and got some in return. So that was good.

I had a doctor's appointment this morning that I had to drag the kids along to, which wasn't preferable, but manageable. We even made it there on time. My doctor is great, and so all went well.

So far, so good.

Then came the playdate. We had a lunch playdate with a friend and her daughter, and my day went downhill from there. It seems like all three girls were all feeling a little "off", and they bickered and cried and had meltdowns. They were oversensitive. They didn't want to share. They seemed to want to pick at each other to get a reaction. When the DID play together well, it was the kind of running around hysterical play that always leads to someone getting hurt or upset.

We ate an early lunch and I decided to head out after sucking back a quick cup of coffee. The energy in the house was warning me that it could all blow up at any minute. The walk home was full of pleasantness, with the wind blowing in my face and sharp raindrops pelting me in the eyeballs as the girls stayed warm and dry under the rain cover on the double stroller. They did manage to bicker and and whine and squeal about being "squished" and not wanting to share the space together that they'd sat in comfortably on the way TO the playdate. Funny how that works.

On the way home, they asked about having a video (they always get a video in the afternoon after lunch...down time for all of us). Oh yeah -- no video. The two of them had problems listening well and going to bed last night, and so the consequences of that was no video. Trust me kids, it hurts me as bad as it hurts you. On a day like today....likely worse.

Of course this would happen on the day that I need some quiet time to myself.

Since getting home they have been bickering, whining, crying and just generally bothering one another.

On a no video day.

When it's cold and dark and rainy outside.

When all I want to do is hole up with a book and wait for tomorrow to come.

It's okay. Soon we will head out down the street to visit our friend with the newborn..hopefully that will break up the afternoon a bit.

I will surive. It will be okay. Tonight I will sit in a coffee shop with a friend and drink coffee and not have anyone picking at my butt and tugging at my clothes and whining at me. Well...if you try it, Charmaine, I'll kick your ass. heh.

Happiness....

After a talk with C tonight, I've realized that I've been spending my life sitting and waiting for happiness to fall into my lap.

Guess what? It hasn't.

Choices have been made, things that can't be un-done. I can only move forward now, not back. I thought about how I have been moving forward for the last several months, but it's always been with my head turned, looking over my shoulder at what was, or could have been, had different choices been made.

Geez. No wonder my neck hurts, looking backwards all the time like that. heh.

But I digress. The point here is that happiness isn't going to magically fall into my lap. It particularly isn't going to happen if I constantly question myself and my decisions. I can't go back to the way things were. The life I had, or had once envisioned for myself, is gone; C has completely confirmed that for me tonight.

The funny thing is, even though there is some sadness about that, most of me just feels free. There is no "Option B". All I have is Option A and dammit, I'm going to move forward with a smile on my face.

Life is too short to spend it unhappy.

The Pain Continues....

I took good care of my neck yesterday - hot shower, gentle stretching, ibuprofen. By the time I went to bed it was feeling a bit better, I had even regained some mobility and I was feeling hopeful that I was going to wake up this morning with it feeling much improved.

No dice.

The pain woke me up repeatedly during my meagre four hours of sleep that I got last night. I didn't get to bed until disgustingly late, due to a lot of emotional turmoil that I'm going through. The last time I looked at the clock was 2:00 a.m. At 6:00 a.m., the neck pain was excruciating, not letting me sleep, so I just got up...it was the only thing I could do.

So now it's 8:30. I've had a hot hot hot shower, I've stretched, I popped some pills...it's not doing much. Turning my head very far in one direction or another is an interesting painful task.

Incidentally I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow, on an unrelated issue. I think it's time to talk toher about this, and at the very least get me something useful in the pain-killer department, much as I hate taking medication.

Sometimes you just gotta do what you gotta do.

...Just like that....

Yesterday a young woman in my city was killed crossing the street...the street that just a short while later, I was walking with my girls on our way for an afternoon of fun.

Just like that, the young woman's life ended. There are some things in this life I will never truly understand.

Life is so precious...and we never know when it's just going to be ripped away from us.

This morning as I sit here, writing this, I am thinking about that young woman, younger than me, whose life was taken away from her. I'm also thinking about the driver of the vehicle, whose life, in a sense, has also been ripped away. I can't imagine living with the guilt and anguish over accidentally taking someone's life.

The whole thing really just seems so unfair, the fragility of life.

And I'm not up for dealing with any of it today.

Re-examining My Priorities

I've been thinking today about how it might be a good thing for me to "check out" a little bit. I believe I need some time to re-examine some of my thought processes and decisions in the last year or so. I'm not sure what any of this means at this point, however; I am a firm believer in taking time now and again to simply question yourself a little bit...figure out if you're still on the same page that you started out on.

Throughout everything I've been going through in the last while, I haven't really thought about what I wanted the end result to be. I've done a lot of thinking on my feet, reacting to what was happening in the moment. I think it's time to look a little further down the road.

So I may be taking a break even from here for a while, I'm not sure. I may welcome the opportunity to write down some of my thoughts, then again I may not feel able to, knowing who reads this blog, and wondering about a few others who may be reading it, too. Sometimes there is a huge comfort in complete anonymity, but that wasn't the vision that I had for this thing when I started it.

Again -- not a lot of projecting into the future, huh?

Ah well. Such is life sometimes. I just have to work with what I've got.

Chaos

The chaos seems to be closing in, in terms of the house and the clutter and disorganization.

I've been thinking that maybe it's because I'm starting to disconnect from this place as I start thinking about how as soon as I land a job, I'll be living somewhere else, I don't know. I find myself fantasizing about open spaces, only a very few belongings, and an uncluttered life.

I guess the house can be a metaphor for the spirit, and maybe my cravings for organization and de-cluttering speaks more to my spiritual cravings.

I want to throw off the chaos, in both my home and my spirit. I want to start afresh, living more simply. Focus on what's truly important. I know without a shadow of a doubt that vacuuming and constantly picking up Playmobil bits aren't on that list. But it's not going to be until there's a whole lot less to pick up around the house that I'm going to be able to turn my time and attention to those things that really do matter.

In the meantime, until I actually achieve that uncluttered existence that I so desperately crave, all I can do is work on making my physical surroundings as orderly as possible.

Sigh.

I'd better get back to it.

Perfect November Day

Today was perfection, weather-wise.

I believe it got up to 17 degrees here. Gray, mild, with a slight touch of a breeze. The smell of November was permeating everything. Days like today, feeling so overwhelmed by my physical senses, make me happy to be alive.

And well, that feeling of being happy to be alive makes me happier than anything else ever could. It wasn't that long ago when I doubted ever being able to see the simple beauty and joy in something like a fall day ever again. Sure, I still have my dark days. I still feel overwhelmed by the practical details of my life. There are still so many things that bring me joy...

- Hearing my daughters laugh uncontrollably.

- Friday night yoga.

- Red wine.

- Emails from H.

- Hearing H's voice on the phone.

- The Saturday morning farmer's market.

- The smell of autumn.

- Running.

- Early morning "snuggle and giggle time" in bed with the girls.

- Really good dark chocolate.

- Coffee! Let's not forget that one, shall we, people?

- 80s music.

- Funky socks.

- Naps.

- Newborn baby sounds.

- The feeling of drifting off into a peaceful sleep.

- A good conversation with a friend. I am lucky to have so many.

- Seeing the happy gleam in my little girl's eyes, knowing that I had something to do with putting it there.

- Dancing in the rain, and feeling the rain drops on my cheeks and eyelids.

- The late afternoon summer sun.

- Seeing the sun rise.

- A beautiful full silvery moon.

- The country sky at night.

- Writing.

- Laughing until my sides ache and tears squeeze out of my eyes.

- Snuggling under a warm blanket.


So many simple things...these are just the ones off the top of my head. I know if I went digging further I could find lots more...and it's a good feeling to know that I have so many things in my life that do bring me joy. I need to remind myself of all these things on the shitty days.

The Interview

I'm pooped out right now, so the update will be brief.

My girlfriend helped me decide on the outfit. I think we made the best choice.

I ripped out the nose ring just to be on safe side. Crammed it back in my head as soon as I got home.

I realized how much I missed getting dressed up.

I realized how lucky I've been to not have to work outside the home all these years.

The interview itself was pretty casual - not sure if that's a good sign or a bad one. They told me that once people get on there, they usually stay for many many years, which to me says that it's probably a decent place to work with good co-workers.

They're going to get back to me.

And that's that.

I'll keep ya'll posted.

Looking For Positives

Woke up this morning still feeling steeped in a negative funk. It didn't help matters that the woman who never has problems sleeping, couldn't sleep last night. I'm not sure what was going on there, althoughI don't think it had anything to do with being nervous about today's interview. Who knows what was going on there.

In any case, I'm trying this morning to pull myself up out of this funk. It's hard. I'm going to try and look at the good things...because I do have things to be grateful for.

- I feel better about the shopping expedition than I did last night. I actually have a choice of what to wear today, and a coffee date with a girlfriend this morning should help me make the final decision.

- Speaking of this girlfriend, a coffee date with her is always good. If nothing else it get my mind off my funk and get me filled up with even more caffeine, which always helps.

- I'm reminding myself that even though it's been a long time, I was always really good at job interviews "back in the day". It's not like I've got everything riding on this job. If I don't ultimately get it, at least having an interview is a) a good sign and b) good practice for "the" job when it does come along.

- Last night as I was getting offline I got a message from my neighbour who invited me out for a walk. We took her dogs out for a bit of a stroll and just chatted about whatever. I'm glad I'm getting to know her. She may not be the kind of person that I end up having a deep and intimate relationship, but she is a good person who seems to genuinely care, and since moving in, has had a good track record of somehow knowing when I need another human being around, and being there for me.

- Obama is President! If that's not a reason to smile, I don't know what is.

- This morning I had a nice (though short) chat with H. He gave me a sweet and gentle pep talk, which is exactly what I needed this morning. He's got a helluva lot of patience, and it seems to be in huge supply today. It's good to have that encouragement and feel like I've got him "in my corner". I'm trying hard to absorb his positivity and optimism (thank you for that!).

- Tonight is aquafit night! I haven't been there in a while so I'm going to try hard to make it. Even if I don't, I have plans for afterwards to hang out with a girlfriend and drink beer and chill out. I need that. Desperately.

So it's not all bad. I just had to take some time to sit down and look for the good.

A Rant to end all Rants....

I am beyond foul right now. I haven't felt this effin cranky in a verrrrrry long time.

I.hate.the.mall.

I just got back from shopping for something to wear on my job interview tomorrow.

It has put me in the foulest of foul moods.

Where to start even?

Well, let's start with the fact that I have been a stay at home mom for the last five and a half years. My attire has consisted of whatever happens to be clean and comfortable. Now sure, I don't go around dressed like a slob, but neither am I one of the "yummy mummies" in perfectly coordinated outfits, either. I haven't worked in an office in five and a half years. I haven't had to think (or even CARE) about what is appropriate "office wear".

I felt like a complete fish out of water trying to figure out what to cover my ass with.

And speaking of asses, my lack of running has defintely caught up with me. I've got a huge ass, back fat, jiggly arms, and a muffin top. Nothing like trying on new clothes to accentuate all those positives.

I shouldn't have shopped alone - that was my first mistake. I guess I figured that I would be able to just go in there, grab something, and leave. It was as the first hour passed that I felt my energy get up and take a hike. I was overheated, dehydrated, and wearing the wrong bra. Every pair of pants gave me the world's biggest wedgie and I couldn't decide if I should lean toward conservative and feel like a complete fraud, or go for what I truly liked and risk scaring my potential employers away.

I ended up somewhere in the middle of the two (I think) and spending way too much money on something that I don't like enough for the amount of money I spent, and I'm not even sure if it's appropriate.

I hate this.

My earlier enthusiasm that I felt for this job interview has totally gone out the window. I feel like crawling into bed and snuggling up with an entire box of Girl Guide cookies. But that ain't gonna help my muffin top any, now is it????

Screw it all. I'm going to bed.

An Informal Poll

As I scurry around today, getting ready for my first job interview in YEARS, I need some people to weigh in on a minor issue.

The nose ring.

The jobs I'm applying for are administrative, secretarial-type jobs. Do I ditch my small, subtle, sparkly nose stud? Or do I keep it in, because nose rings are so standard these days that they're practically overlooked? Other possibilities - removing it (ouch!) for interviews, and once I land a job, ask if it's okay then? I also considered leaving it in for interviews, but bringing up the subject of office attire and mentioning thatI have no problem removing it for the job....

I love my nose ring and would really really like to keep it....but...I don't want to lose a job over it.

Does anyone even care anymore?

Thoughts?