The Weight is Lifting....

Finally, finally, finally.....

The wheels are in motion and I'm headed in the direction that I want to go. I still have a whole lotta work ahead of me, but thankfully, much of it is in my control...and that's always a better situation, than to have so many things OUT of my control, and no way to change it.

I'm moving forward, people..moving forward and moving on.

YAY!

Adding Insult to Injury

Only *I* would choose "the most depressing day of the year" to go swimsuit shopping.

Seriously, people, what the HELL was I thinking, hmm?

BAH!

I'm gonna go eat some chocolate.

"Blue Monday"

I read this morning that according to some so-called "experts", every year the 3rd Monday in January is known as the "most depressing day of the year".

NO

SHIT

SHERLOCK.


It's a low day, people. I'm not going to deny that. It's a day full of questioning everything, and wondering what's going to come next (and not feeling particularly enthusiastic about any of it).

I guess part of it comes back to, once again, feeling like I'm stuck in one spot and spinning my wheels. I have a plan, the plan will work and the plan feels good; the plan just actually has to get started. I've done as much as I can on my end for right now; I'm currently in "wait-and-see" mode. Once it actually starts to happen, I know that my life and my outlook on it will change dramatically. Until I get there, however, things look pretty depressing.

Blue Monday indeed.

The Trouble with Happiness.....

The trouble with happiness is that it seems as though it just can't last forever. Sooner or later, the air just escapes out of the "happiness balloon". It took a lot longer this time, I can see that; but still, it has escaped my grasp once again.

The good news, I guess, is that eventually I'll find it again.

Hopefully.

Someday.

It's nights like these when I wonder if it's really mine to have....

Happiness is......

....piping hot spicy black bean soup for lunch when it's FREEZING outside!!!

Frustration is.....getting a blister on the roof of my mouth from said soup.

OUCH!

SOOOOOO C-C-C-C-OLD......

*I do not want to leave the house*


*I do not want to leave the house*


*I do not want to leave the house*


....but I committed to taking the girls out this afternoon. We're getting together with some other homeschoolers, and frankly, we've been cooped up in this house too many days in row.

And tonight is yoga night...I haven't been there since before Christmas; it's very much a requirement at this point - for my physical, mental, and emotional well-being. I simply *must* go. Gal's gotta stay bendy after all.

I just hope I don't freeze off anything essential.

Is it spring yet????

Setting Priorities

As I think more and more about this whole idea of "cleaning house" (my mental, emotional, and spiritual 'house', that is), I am becoming increasingly aware of the importance of gathering close to me those people and things who ARE important in my life. And, I guess, an extension of that, is figuring out WHO those people really are. Because honestly, some of them aren't who I thought. And while that's disappointing in a way, it's also very freeing - to be at a point where I'm able to figure out who the people are who will really be there when things get tough (and it doesn't get much tougher than what I'm going through now, folks).

I'm seeing now that a great deal of the last 10 years was just an illusion..that things weren't really what they seemed. I feel like I am seeing more clearly than I have in years. It's an amazing feeling.

I still have a long way to go. A lot of things to figure out, a lot of things that need to be worked on and sorted out. But I'm on the right path now.

Cleaning House

Anyone who reads my blog on a regular basis knows that to say I've been going through a tough time of it is an understatement. I have a lot of stress and uncertainty in my life at the moment. Yeah, I have good things, too...I have my girls and I have some good friends, and I have T. Those are all great things.

In the last couple of days I've been thinking a lot about those things/people/situations that I have in my life that aren't helpful to me. It's funny, because some of the people, especially, I thought were friends. It's sad to learn that really, in fact, they are not.

I am making the conscious decision right now to remove extra stressors from my life. I'm not saying that I'm cutting people out because I don't want to deal with them and I'm writing them off forever - I'm simply removing them as an added stressor to my life right now.

Extra stress is simply not welcome in my life right now.

It's sad to be saying goodbye to certain people, situations, and things in my life right now, on top of everything else. I have a feeling that it's going to be a year full of saying goodbye. The good news is, I also think that it's going to be a year full of new and exciting changes.

Eventually the stressors will be removed or sorted out. Eventually I will find my forward momentum. Eventually the scales will tip, and life will be more good than bad. I feel confident of all these things today. Cleaning house is a good thing.

Forward Momentum

I need a kick in the bum today to get moving. For some reason I'm having difficulty getting myself moving in a positive direction in all aspects - mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

That's not to say that I'm in the "depths of despair" or anything like that. In fact, I'd welcome the inspiration to get me going today. I'm just not sure what that would be at this point.

Okay. Deep breath. Part of my new "indpendent life" is learning that I am perfectly capable of kicking myself in the bum to get moving. I don't need someone else to do it for me. The only thing keeping me mentally and emotionally stuck right now is me.

Time to get moving.

Progress.....

I woke up this morning and realized that I've been riding a wave of happiness that has lasted almost 72 hours now. It's taken some work to maintain -- there have been a few moments where I could have given into the negativity, but instead I chose to look at the positives.

Already I am suspicious and mistrustful of this happiness, but I am doing my best, still, to continue to fight it.

In the back of my mind, I'm wondering when it's going to all come crashing down...because with me, it seems not to be a question of "if", but rather "when".

I'm still working on those baby steps...

...Just Because...

Mom thoughts

I am working very hard to enjoy living in the moment these days. With the future still so unsettled for me, I guess the only thing that I CAN do is enjoy what I have in the here and now.

Yesterday was a great day with the girls. We played with Em's "Magic Science Wizard Kit" and learned all about acids and bases and made some fun "magic potions". We baked cookies and we played Playmobil and tidied the girls' room together. It was a fulfilling day, emotionally, and I was able to appreciate it all the more, reminding myself that days like that will soon be gone.

I love my girls so much....and for so long I tried very hard to be completely fulfilled by my role as wife and mother. Coming to accept the fact that I'm simply not has been hard for me. I've been so fixated on the idea that there is only one way to be a "good" mother...that anything less than that has meant that I was a failure. I've been telling myself that I'm a failure because I need more than stay-at-home motherhood. That I'm a failure because I'm choosing a path that's going to mean that my kids are going to end up in public school. That I'm a failure because I didn't shove all of my hopes for myself aside for my children.

Yeah, yeah, yeah....I know that it's bullshit. Hell, I look at my own mother - who had NO life outside of her family - hell, hardly does now. She "sacrificed" her whole life for her kids...and now it's like she feels like we "owe" her something. Is it really any wonder that her kids don't really want that much to do with her? I mean, seriously...is that the kind of relationship I want with my girls? Of course it's not.

And so, for me, the alternative is that I can't make my family my entire life. Maybe that means that my children aren't going to have the "ideal" upbringing...but hell, having a mom at home with them every day who isn't happy and fulfilled certainly isn't ideal, either.

I need to take some time to seriously re-evaluate the kind of mother I want to be, and the kind of mother that I can be. There's gotta be space in there for "me"...even if though it means that my girls get less quantity time with me...the quality is gonna be a whole lot better...

Priceless Parenting Moment

Today the girls and I were walking home from an outing, and out of nowhere, Em asked what it meant to be a failure (she'd heard this on an Arthur video, apparently).

I explained what failing at something meant (have I mentioned how much I love the fact that my 5 year old is a word person too???).

There was a thoughtful pause after which Miss Em emphatically declared, "Well! I'm not a failure at anything!!"


(and then slightly quieter)


"....................................................except maybe cleaning my room."

I know how you feel, kiddo. Mine's not exactly a palace at the moment, either.

Reality Stinks

I'm being hit full-force in the face today with the knowledge of the fact that my time being at home with the girls is very quickly coming to a grinding halt. A very big part of me is kicking and screaming at that thought. There's a lot of sadness there, and a lot of guilt. I'd had a very strong vision of what my life, and what my girls' life was going to look like...and all of that is changing.

The truth is that the vision I had for myself isn't one that I really wanted anyhow. I mean, I wanted to WANT to be "the good housewife" and fulfill myself with baking cookies and folding laundry and giving all of myself to my family. Deep down I always felt like a fraud. Of course, I had times of utter contentment with that life, it's not like I was completely miserable the whole time...but I always had this overwhelming sense of "what's next?" "is this all there is?"

I've gotta be honest here, people, I'm pretty worried about my girls. I know that lots of kids grow up with child care and with public school and turn out fine...and I'm sure that Em and Mo will be no different. They just feel so young to be turned out into the world to fend for themselves....more or less.

I feel sad that I won't get to be there with them all day every day to see them grow and help them become the people they are meant to be.

I feel guilty because I'm not capable being the mother that they deserve.

I feel guilty because I put my own wants ahead of that of my girls. There's a little voice in there telling me that I should have kept sacrificing for them. That because I wasn't capable of doing that, then I am a bad mother.

I feel like a really bad mother today. I feel selfish and weak. And sad. :(

Job Interview

The updated job situation is that I have an interview this afternoon. It's at the place where I worked back in the day before kids, although in a different department. A few weeks ago I bumped into an old co-worker who mentioned that there were still people there who asked about me now and again.....so I'm going to take that as a good sign....

I'm feeling pretty good about the interview, actually.

Positive vibes would still be very much appreciated though..... :)

More on Happiness....

I have made *some* progress over the years in terms of this whole happiness thing. There used to be a time when I pushed all my hopes and dreams for happiness into how I looked. I told myself that if only I had the perfect body, if only I lost weight, then I would finally be happy. Those were some dark days in terms of my eating disorder.

So the good news is that I'm no longer of THAT mindset anymore. I can accept that my body is what it is, and although it might be nice to be in better shape or lose a few pounds or whatever, my happiness isn't riding on it. And if I'm miserable with the rest of my life, 10 pounds off my body isn't going to change that. I truly get that.

So that's good, that's progress. BUT....my problem is that I've still been looking outside of myself for happiness. Marriage, money, a house, kids, "stuff", friends, whatever...I've been looking at the world around me, grabbing onto the people and things in it, and expecting to find happiness there.

Not so strangely, I haven't been able to find it. Or, I find it for a little while, and then always end up being disappointed by it. The truth is that I've been looking in all the wrong places.

The key to happiness - lasting and true happiness - rests with me.

I realize that I am the only thing standing in the way of my own happiness. I could have a million dollars or all the friends in the world and still not be happy. I could also have relatively little in my life, and still find reasons to be happy and content and find joy there. It all centers around me.

I'm gonna be honest here people, though...even though I realize that happiness hinges with me, I still don't really know how to actually be happy. How to let the joy into my life. How to feel as though I deserve the good things that find their way to me. How NOT to sabotage myself. I know that I'm making progress, but I still have a long, long way to go.....

Far Away...

Rock Bottom

It's quite possible that I've hit the lowest point that I could possibly reach. I've done a lot of damage, I have hurt a lot of people.

The good news is that I can only go up from here, I guess. I have a lot of work ahead of me -- to heal, to repair wounds, to make things better both for me, and for those around me.

It's not going to be easy...but it's the only option that I have at this point. I won't lie - the temptation is there to just say "screw it all", have a big 'ol pity party and bury my head in the sand.

But I'm not gonna do it. I'm standing at a fork in the road, and my choices are to get better, or get worse. I'm picking the "better" option - no matter what it takes to get there.

I won't fear love....

All the fear has left me now
Im not frightened anymore
Its my heart that pounds beneath my flesh
Its my mouth that pushes out this breath

And if I shed a tear I wont cage it
I wont fear love
And if I feel a rage I wont deny it
I wont fear love

Companion to our demons
They will dance, and we will play
With chairs, candles, and cloth
Making darkness in the day
It will be easy to look in or out
Upstream or down without a thought

And if I shed a tear I wont cage it
I wont fear love
And if I feel a rage I wont deny it
I wont fear love

Peace in the struggle
To find peace
Comfort on the way
To comfort

And if I shed a tear I wont cage it
I wont fear love
And if I feel a rage I wont deny it
I wont fear love
I wont fear love
I wont fear love...

Not even sure where to begin....

It's been an emotionally intense couple of days.

I'm still processing; I still have a lot to work through. Some good runs will hopefully help with that. At this point I have so little of it figured out, that I'm not even sure what to say. Some incredibly great things have happened, as well as some incredibly bad things....and I've been at the heart of it all. Right now I'm hoping that I can cherish the good things and make up for the bad...not to mention try to figure out where all the bad come from, and what exactly to do with it.

My brain hurts. I need a run.

And a nap.