Reality Stinks

I'm being hit full-force in the face today with the knowledge of the fact that my time being at home with the girls is very quickly coming to a grinding halt. A very big part of me is kicking and screaming at that thought. There's a lot of sadness there, and a lot of guilt. I'd had a very strong vision of what my life, and what my girls' life was going to look like...and all of that is changing.

The truth is that the vision I had for myself isn't one that I really wanted anyhow. I mean, I wanted to WANT to be "the good housewife" and fulfill myself with baking cookies and folding laundry and giving all of myself to my family. Deep down I always felt like a fraud. Of course, I had times of utter contentment with that life, it's not like I was completely miserable the whole time...but I always had this overwhelming sense of "what's next?" "is this all there is?"

I've gotta be honest here, people, I'm pretty worried about my girls. I know that lots of kids grow up with child care and with public school and turn out fine...and I'm sure that Em and Mo will be no different. They just feel so young to be turned out into the world to fend for themselves....more or less.

I feel sad that I won't get to be there with them all day every day to see them grow and help them become the people they are meant to be.

I feel guilty because I'm not capable being the mother that they deserve.

I feel guilty because I put my own wants ahead of that of my girls. There's a little voice in there telling me that I should have kept sacrificing for them. That because I wasn't capable of doing that, then I am a bad mother.

I feel like a really bad mother today. I feel selfish and weak. And sad. :(

Job Interview

The updated job situation is that I have an interview this afternoon. It's at the place where I worked back in the day before kids, although in a different department. A few weeks ago I bumped into an old co-worker who mentioned that there were still people there who asked about me now and again.....so I'm going to take that as a good sign....

I'm feeling pretty good about the interview, actually.

Positive vibes would still be very much appreciated though..... :)

More on Happiness....

I have made *some* progress over the years in terms of this whole happiness thing. There used to be a time when I pushed all my hopes and dreams for happiness into how I looked. I told myself that if only I had the perfect body, if only I lost weight, then I would finally be happy. Those were some dark days in terms of my eating disorder.

So the good news is that I'm no longer of THAT mindset anymore. I can accept that my body is what it is, and although it might be nice to be in better shape or lose a few pounds or whatever, my happiness isn't riding on it. And if I'm miserable with the rest of my life, 10 pounds off my body isn't going to change that. I truly get that.

So that's good, that's progress. BUT....my problem is that I've still been looking outside of myself for happiness. Marriage, money, a house, kids, "stuff", friends, whatever...I've been looking at the world around me, grabbing onto the people and things in it, and expecting to find happiness there.

Not so strangely, I haven't been able to find it. Or, I find it for a little while, and then always end up being disappointed by it. The truth is that I've been looking in all the wrong places.

The key to happiness - lasting and true happiness - rests with me.

I realize that I am the only thing standing in the way of my own happiness. I could have a million dollars or all the friends in the world and still not be happy. I could also have relatively little in my life, and still find reasons to be happy and content and find joy there. It all centers around me.

I'm gonna be honest here people, though...even though I realize that happiness hinges with me, I still don't really know how to actually be happy. How to let the joy into my life. How to feel as though I deserve the good things that find their way to me. How NOT to sabotage myself. I know that I'm making progress, but I still have a long, long way to go.....

Far Away...

Rock Bottom

It's quite possible that I've hit the lowest point that I could possibly reach. I've done a lot of damage, I have hurt a lot of people.

The good news is that I can only go up from here, I guess. I have a lot of work ahead of me -- to heal, to repair wounds, to make things better both for me, and for those around me.

It's not going to be easy...but it's the only option that I have at this point. I won't lie - the temptation is there to just say "screw it all", have a big 'ol pity party and bury my head in the sand.

But I'm not gonna do it. I'm standing at a fork in the road, and my choices are to get better, or get worse. I'm picking the "better" option - no matter what it takes to get there.

I won't fear love....

All the fear has left me now
Im not frightened anymore
Its my heart that pounds beneath my flesh
Its my mouth that pushes out this breath

And if I shed a tear I wont cage it
I wont fear love
And if I feel a rage I wont deny it
I wont fear love

Companion to our demons
They will dance, and we will play
With chairs, candles, and cloth
Making darkness in the day
It will be easy to look in or out
Upstream or down without a thought

And if I shed a tear I wont cage it
I wont fear love
And if I feel a rage I wont deny it
I wont fear love

Peace in the struggle
To find peace
Comfort on the way
To comfort

And if I shed a tear I wont cage it
I wont fear love
And if I feel a rage I wont deny it
I wont fear love
I wont fear love
I wont fear love...

Not even sure where to begin....

It's been an emotionally intense couple of days.

I'm still processing; I still have a lot to work through. Some good runs will hopefully help with that. At this point I have so little of it figured out, that I'm not even sure what to say. Some incredibly great things have happened, as well as some incredibly bad things....and I've been at the heart of it all. Right now I'm hoping that I can cherish the good things and make up for the bad...not to mention try to figure out where all the bad come from, and what exactly to do with it.

My brain hurts. I need a run.

And a nap.