Happy Birthday To Me

The first year I cried on my birthday was when I turned 12. Yeah, I know how crazy that sounds. For some reasons, my birthday always seems to trigger a feeling of panic, of time passing me by too quickly. I always want desperately to cling, to hang on to my life before it slips away from me.

Well, I ain't 12 anymore, now am I? Today I turn 34. Some days I look in the mirror and see an old lady looking back at me. I don't feel all that different on the inside - maybe a little more calloused, a little more cynical...but the outside is starting to show my 34 years.

It's feeling like it's slipping away from me before my very eyes.

Sorry for the downer, guys. Must be all the Cohen I've listened to in the last couple of days.

I'll work hard to pull myself up out of this and enjoy my day anyhow. On a positive note - I'm more than happy to be kissing 33 goodbye.

He's Still Got It, Baby

Okay, so I don't particularly care if you're a Leonard Cohen fan or not, but no matter what, ya gotta respect a 73 year old man who can get on stage for two and a half hours and sound just as great as he ever did.

Mr. Cohen did not disappoint last night. We had a great time.

The following is a clip from his Fredericton concert last week. It would appear someone recorded it on their cell phone. There's not much to see, but it sounds as fabulous as it did last night.

Leonard Cohen

Tonight my friend Chantel and I are going to see Leonard Cohen in concert. My birthday is tomorrow and this was my b-day gift from my wonderful hubby.

I know that not everyone's a Leonard fan...and while I can understand that you might not love his voice, ya gotta love his music. So here's a little Leonard, sung by K.D. Lang. I'd never heard her do Hallelujah before, and she does a pretty good job with it.

Putting It Out There

I wonder what the depression rate is for stay-at-home moms.

Yeah, it's an incredibly rewarding job, and I wouldn't trade it for any career out there, but it's incredibly draining and challenging at the same time. It's made even harder when trying to work through one's personal issues on top of meeting the incredible challenges of motherhood.

I'm not going to lie, I've been having a bad few months. Those who know all the details understand why. Those of you who don't know all the details, I can't really discuss it other than to say that I'm finding myself facing the core questions of who I am, how I got to be this person, who I ultimately want to be, and how the hell I'm going to go about getting there.

I'm sitting in a very frightening place. I am surrounded by people who love me and want the best for me, and I am very grateful for that. Yet, even with all that love and support, I am still struggling.

Please, those of you reading, send me your prayers, strength, warm vibes...whatever you can offer up to me. I need every bit of it I can get.

Happy Mother's Day!

Last night, in the middle of the night, it would seem that the universe was torturing testing me.

The girls and I had a fun evening. Chris went out alone, and I let Emma and Molly stay up late, we had a "girls night", which meant watching a couple episodes of Fraggle Rock and eating potato chips. It was good. I spend a lot of time with them every day, obviously, but there are often so many other distractions around. Add to that the fact that I've had a hard time remaining present these past few months, and well....last night was a special night for all three of us.

I spent the rest of the evening relaxing by myself...watched a bad chick flick and then crawled into bed with a book. It was a good evening.

In the middle of the night, Emma came into our room, upset. Apparently she was having growing pains and her legs hurt terribly. She crawled into bed beside me for a little while, but the kicking and twitching and whimpering was really starting to get to me. Chris got up and got the stuff to make up a little bed beside ours on the floor, as we usually do for her. She tossed and turned and whined and got increasingly upset.

I could feel what little patience I have at 2:00 am dwindling away quickly. I could feel the irritation rise and the urge to snap at her to "just be quiet and go to sleep". And then for some reason, I remembered my second Mother's Day ever, the year that Emma had the worst ear infection I've ever known a child to have, and we spent the entire day in the hospital having tests run because the infection wasn't visible from a regular exam.

It occurred to me that terribly sick kids on mother's day, kissing boo-boos and middle of the night growing pains are what this mothering gig is really about. Sure, pretty much anyone can do a good job parenting when your kids are well rested, never have anything wrong with them, and always do what they're told. The real challenge in parenting comes in the middle of the night when all you desperately want is to be able to roll over and go back to sleep.

I slowly hauled my exhausted arse out of bed and got her some Advil. I don't know if it actually does help for middle of the night growing pains, but she seems to think it does, and that's all that's required. I crawled back into bed, leaned over the side and rubbed her legs while she settled down into bed. I gave her some soothing words, told her how much I loved her, and then was able to pass out once again.

This morning, for Mother's Day, I got lots of things - a sleep in, breakfast cooked for me, cards and presents. The best gift I got of all was when Emma gave me the world's biggest hug and told me that I was the best mommy in the world, and even if she could, she wouldn't change anything about me.

Ah, motherhood. The pain is definitely worth it.

Chickpea Love

Ah, chickpeas...how do I love thee? Let me count the ways.

I love you in soups and stews and salads.

I love you in hummus and dips and sandwiches.

I love you in curries and loafs and burgers and pasta.

I even love you in dessert.


I swear, I've never met a form of chickpea I didn't like. It's funny, I remember when I first ate chickpeas, as a teenager, in a bean dish made popular at family potlucks by my oldest sister. I hated them. In fact, I used to comment on what vulgar thing I'd rather do than eat a chickpea. I hated them with a passion, in fact.

I don't know what it was that changed my mind about those delicious little legumes, but something did. And I'm so happy about it! Since being (mostly) vegetarian for the last couple of years, chickpeas have become a staple in our house. We've tried them in pretty much every form - everything from appetizer to dessert, and have loved them pretty much every way we've tried. Yum!

Ah, chickpeas...is there anything you can't do?

Half Marathon

I officially signed up yesterday for the half marathon. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know I took my sweet-ass time doing it, that's for sure. Truth be told, I was giving myself plenty of opportunity to back out, even though this is something that I really feel I need to do. It's been a hard year for me, and I need to prove to myself to that I'm willing to go out on a limb and do something good for myself.

Sometimes there's this constant war inside me, between the part that wants good for myself, and the part that tries to self-destruct. Right now 'good' is winning...for the time being. Hopefully that will continue. I like this feeling.

I'm taking the Victory Party into my own hands this year - we're having friends over for a BBQ after the marathon so we can party it up. For me, it's going to be much more a celebration of having survived the last year, and finally feeling like I'm on the way back up out of this hole I've been living in, rather than a celebration of running 21-k.

In either case, the result is going to be some yummy barbeque, some good friends, and hopefully even a beer or two. I certainly deserve that much.