One of Those Days....

What's worse than a rainy Sunday afternoon?

Possibly nothing.

I'm having one of those days that I'm not particularly proud of as a parent. In essence, I am sitting here waiting for the day to be over...I don't feel like doing much of anything.

I had a game of checkers with Em, the girls had a video, I read them some stories...and now they're crawling around on the floor pretending to be puppies and generally driving me nuts.

Why isn't the little girl next door home today? If I ever needed that kid to take some of the pressure off me, today is the day.

I know that other parents have days like this one, too, but whenever it happens to me, I always feel overcome with massive feelings of guilt. I should be supermom! I should have a million and one "rainy day" activities planned for the girls! I should be keeping them (and me!) so busy that the day just literally flies by, and then at the end of it, I can tuck them into their beds and they'll drift off into a peaceful, self-satisfied slumber.

The reality is that I'm going to try and avoid them for as long as I can, they'll probably bicker 78 times, and then not want to go to bed when the time comes.

So much for that "Mother of the Year" award.

I Am Yours....

A favourite of mine right now. Tracy Chapman is so amazing.

Re-examining My Priorities

I've been thinking today about how it might be a good thing for me to "check out" a little bit. I believe I need some time to re-examine some of my thought processes and decisions in the last year or so. I'm not sure what any of this means at this point, however; I am a firm believer in taking time now and again to simply question yourself a little bit...figure out if you're still on the same page that you started out on.

Throughout everything I've been going through in the last while, I haven't really thought about what I wanted the end result to be. I've done a lot of thinking on my feet, reacting to what was happening in the moment. I think it's time to look a little further down the road.

So I may be taking a break even from here for a while, I'm not sure. I may welcome the opportunity to write down some of my thoughts, then again I may not feel able to, knowing who reads this blog, and wondering about a few others who may be reading it, too. Sometimes there is a huge comfort in complete anonymity, but that wasn't the vision that I had for this thing when I started it.

Again -- not a lot of projecting into the future, huh?

Ah well. Such is life sometimes. I just have to work with what I've got.

....some days....

Some days (and today is definitely one of them) that I feel like what little love I have in me, I should keep for myself. Might be selfish, but I'm feeling a little low in the love department today. If I give away what little I have, will I get more back in return?

Well, that's the theory, but there's a part of me today that doesn't want to test that out.

Adam Ant!

Get ready to dance.....

Welcome to my Chaos

I've been doing a lot of cleaning today. This was brought on by the fact that I'm having a friend over for a playdate tomorrow...a friend that I haven't had over before. I'm always pretty self-conscious having a new friend over for the first time....after all...your home says a lot about you.

I used to be particularly concerned with making a "good impression" on other people with my home. These days, I'm a lot more comfy with simply allowing my home to be a reflection of myself.

As I look around my house right now, I can say that what it says about me is pretty accurate. Hm...let's see. It says that I care more about doing stuff with my kids than having an orderly home. It says that I have a hard time throwing things out and that generally I am comfortable with chaos. It also says that I'm a bit of a procrastinator, and not so organized.

The good news, however, is that this particular friend already knows all these things about me.

So welcome to my chaos, girl - the door's open for ya.

Wonderful Moment....

Last night I had one of those moments as a mom that made all the difficult days, spilled tears, worry and weakened patience worth it.

I was putting Miss E to bed. The routine goes that she hangs out in my room, reading books and playing quietly until Mo is asleep and then she goes into her own bed (they share a room). I laid in my bed with E, reading a book. When the book was finished, we snuggled down under the blankets and just started chatting and laughing away.

That kid reminds me so much of myself sometimes - the pure, fun-loving and unself-conscious part of me, that I don't let out to play often enough. The part of me that went into hiding for a very long time.

At one point, she and I laughed uncontrollably in each other's faces. I looked at her and it was like looking into a mirror...I knew that the pure joy on her face echoed mine in that moment. I told her the story about me wetting my pants laughing when I was 16 and we laughed even harder. It was a beautiful moment.

Then the laughter died down and she said, "I'm going to school next year." (Her dad and I had mentioned this fact to her already).

"Yes." I told her. E is extremely emotionally intelligent and VERY articulate. It's a good combination, but sometimes I never know what's going to come out of that kid's mouth. She's good at surprising me.

"I'm a little nervous about that, Mommy."

Because E is so emotionally in tune with herself, I find myself telling her things that I might not say to the average 5 year old.

"Well, honey, I understand that you're feeling nervous, and that's okay. But I want to tell you something special about you. Not everyone has this ability, but you're the kind of person who will be okay no matter what happens to you in life. You will do well at school, try not to worry."

She looked at me with twinkling eyes and gave me a huge hug. "You're a good mommy."

On my way downstairs I thought about my words and what I'd said to her...this little person who is, in so many ways, so much like me. She WILL be okay, no matter where life takes her. She'll be more than okay, in fact - she will flourish. Because she's just that kind of person, as long as she doesn't lose faith in herself...and I'll go to great lengths to make sure that doesn't happen.

And you know what? If she will be okay...then that means that I will be, too. I just have to have faith in myself as well. And I guess, if I can't do it for myself...then maybe I can do it to give my daughter an example of what it's like to live a life of courage and belief in oneself. It's not easy...but I think I can do it for her.