Happiness is......

.....anticipating a hug...... :)

A Rant for Today....

**Just a friendly note before I begin my rant....this is mostly directed at myself, and isn't intended to land on anyone specific, just the world in general. I'm sorting through some of my 'stuff', and this is what I've been working on the last few days.**

I've been thinking a lot the last few days about one particular aspect of myself: my need to over-apologize.

I mean, I'm Canadian and all, and I think that it's in our blood to apologize for everything, including those things that are beyond our control...but damn, I've got a problem.

Anyone who has eaten a meal prepared by me knows about my tendency to apologize for my own cooking...even though most of the time it tastes pretty damn good. I always seem to focus on the less than perfect aspects of myself. But we've all got 'em, now don't we???

I've been thinking more specifically about a conversation with friends recently where I actually found myself apologizing for my musical tastes. I was desperately trying to justify listening to certain music with a, "but it's just for running purposes, honest!!!" You know what? That's stupid! Apologizing for the music I enjoy - for running or not - is like apologizing for the fact that my eyes are blue. And you know what? I'm done with it. I refuse to go forward in my life apologizing for being who I am...particularly when it comes to aspects of myself - like musical tastes - that don't affect anyone else but me. It's not like I'm cramming my earbuds into YOUR ears and forcing you to listen to Justin Timberlake for fun. What I listen to is not really anyone's business but mine....and if anyone wants to believe that they're a superior person to me because they listen to what (they feel) is "better" music....well frankly...screw you. I'm sick of judgment...even judgment that seems 'harmless'.

I absolutely refuse to apologize for being me anymore. And if you don't like it, well...tough titty for you.

heh

Today's Thoughts...

So far today's going pretty well. No nightmares last night (I had the phone ready and waiting by my bed in case I needed it...). I woke up feeling fairly rested. I managed to get out there today for a nice little run...it's a glorious day out there.

I got to do a lot of thinking, which is something that I desperately needed.

I thought about running. I decided to commit myself to running the half marathon this coming May. Having a definite goal is good for me to keep me on track with running. I need to run to stay sane...and I'm not always that great at doing it as often as I should...so hopefully having the Bluenose Marathon looming in my face will be just the inspiration that I need. It'll be my 35th birthday present to myself.

Wow....did I really say 35? Holy shit.

In other news...I did some more processing while I was out...about me and my life over the last year and a half or so. Specifically the impact of the death of a certain family member, and how that seemed to be the catalyst for where I've ended up in my life right now. It's interesting...I expected it to be a big deal when it happened, but at the time I couldn't see it. I guess I expected a huge epiphany right in the moment, but rather it took a long time to unfold ...and it's only now that much of it is making sense to me.

The good news is...it's all good. I'm figuring it out, I'm making sense of it all. Even better is that I'm actively making changes that reflect these realizations. In the past I used to believe that just making the realization was enough...but now I know that there's more required...I need to actually change based on those epiphanies...even if the changes are just in my own thought process, beliefs or attitudes.

I'm moving forward.

New beginnings....better memories....better life....better Mama S.

Okay, okay, I admit it...

"Hi, my name is Mama S and I'm a closet Jackson 5 fan".

This song always always always makes me smile.

And Michael sure can rock a purple hat. Wish I had me a hat just like it.

heh

Happiness is........

....having a "Good morning" email to greet me first thing this morning.......

Happiness is.........

...having an open offer to phone in the middle of the night if the nightmares wake me up again.


Thank you. :)

Ugh

I had a much needed nap this afternoon. It was great to lay down in a quiet house, pull up the blankets, and just crash hard. I slept for almost THREE HOURS in fact!!! (Yeah mom, I KNOW I haven't been taking care of myself the way that I should...)

While I was sleeping I was plagued with another nightmare (I've been having a lot of those lately). In it, I was telling a good neighbour of mine that C and I are separated (no, I haven't told her yet...only because we don't see each other all that often, and let's face it, people, it's SUCH an awkward conversation to have). When I did, at first she was shocked, and then she immediately became angry...at me. She started telling me all the things that sometimes those voices tell me when it gets a little too quiet in my head....that I didn't try hard enough. That I didn't want it enough. That "not being happy" isn't a good enough reason to decide to end things. In the dream I felt horrible, and desperately tried to justify myself to her, but had a hard time putting everything into words...

It sorta reminds me of those dreams when you try to run away from something scary and your legs won't work, you know? This time I tried to explain myself, but my brain and my tongue couldn't seem to make the connection...

It's funny...because ironically, I'm not sure if the dream was about C, or if it was really about T. For the last few days, as I admit to myself (and to him) how much I like this guy, I'm trying to conjure up reasons in my head to run away. I'm scared for a whole lot of reasons, and I guess I'm not dealing with that fear all that well at all. I'm sure if I went looking hard enough, I could find *something* - he's just human after all, and it's easy to make a mountain out of a molehill.

A quick conversation with a very good friend just now, helped me to put things back into perspective (she's been doing that for me a lot lately). I am holding the fear at bay. It's funny....I don't know why I'm having such a hard time making a "leap of faith" with my feelings. Normally I'm a "jump in with both feet" kinda gal. This time...I'm taking my time. Oh - and before any of you wonder (because I know some of y'all pretty well) I'll answer what may be swirling around in your heads and say that it's not anything that HE has said or done to cause me to be so afraid or cautious in all of this...except maybe be a little too good to be true. There are no "warning signs", theren't any "red flags". Dude's the real deal....and I'm simply a basket case.

One day, one moment at a time is all I can manage right now. And honestly, it doesn't have to be any more than just that for the time being.