Ugh

I had a much needed nap this afternoon. It was great to lay down in a quiet house, pull up the blankets, and just crash hard. I slept for almost THREE HOURS in fact!!! (Yeah mom, I KNOW I haven't been taking care of myself the way that I should...)

While I was sleeping I was plagued with another nightmare (I've been having a lot of those lately). In it, I was telling a good neighbour of mine that C and I are separated (no, I haven't told her yet...only because we don't see each other all that often, and let's face it, people, it's SUCH an awkward conversation to have). When I did, at first she was shocked, and then she immediately became angry...at me. She started telling me all the things that sometimes those voices tell me when it gets a little too quiet in my head....that I didn't try hard enough. That I didn't want it enough. That "not being happy" isn't a good enough reason to decide to end things. In the dream I felt horrible, and desperately tried to justify myself to her, but had a hard time putting everything into words...

It sorta reminds me of those dreams when you try to run away from something scary and your legs won't work, you know? This time I tried to explain myself, but my brain and my tongue couldn't seem to make the connection...

It's funny...because ironically, I'm not sure if the dream was about C, or if it was really about T. For the last few days, as I admit to myself (and to him) how much I like this guy, I'm trying to conjure up reasons in my head to run away. I'm scared for a whole lot of reasons, and I guess I'm not dealing with that fear all that well at all. I'm sure if I went looking hard enough, I could find *something* - he's just human after all, and it's easy to make a mountain out of a molehill.

A quick conversation with a very good friend just now, helped me to put things back into perspective (she's been doing that for me a lot lately). I am holding the fear at bay. It's funny....I don't know why I'm having such a hard time making a "leap of faith" with my feelings. Normally I'm a "jump in with both feet" kinda gal. This time...I'm taking my time. Oh - and before any of you wonder (because I know some of y'all pretty well) I'll answer what may be swirling around in your heads and say that it's not anything that HE has said or done to cause me to be so afraid or cautious in all of this...except maybe be a little too good to be true. There are no "warning signs", theren't any "red flags". Dude's the real deal....and I'm simply a basket case.

One day, one moment at a time is all I can manage right now. And honestly, it doesn't have to be any more than just that for the time being.