Six Feet Under.....

Last year I discovered the television series "Six Feet Under". It came highly recommended to me by a neighbour of mine....and I loved every single minute of it. I'm not much of a t.v. watcher these days, but there's something about this series that really resonated with me...and still does. Maybe it's because so much of the show is about really living the life that you have....because it can all be over in the blink of an eye. I seem to be more acutely aware of that at this point in my life than I have been ever before.

This television series moved me in a way that no other show has. I actually broke down watching the series finale...it was that powerful and moving. I only wish that I could watch it all again for the very first time.

Tonight I found a quote from what I'm pretty sure is the final season of the show...a quote that's really speaking to me tonight. You don't have to be a fan of the show, or know any of the characters for this quote to have meaning. This quote sums up pretty well where I am right now.

"I spent my whole life being scared. Scared of not being ready and not being right and not being who I should be. "

Um....yeah. That's EXACTLY where I have been for my entire life...and where I still sit right now. The thing is, I think I know what I have to do to start turning that around...but I'm not sure if the fear is going to hold me back or not.

I've spent my whole life either regretting the past or worrying about the future. Enjoying the moment is so hard for me...because I always feel like I'm on the brink of losing everything.

I still have a hard time believing that I deserve the goodness, even when it feels like it's being handed to me on a silver platter. What would have to happen for me to actually believe in myself....?