Taking a Deep Breath....

Well, as you can tell, I was feeling more than a bit overwhelmed this morning. The feeling lasted well into the day.

Upon further inspection (and thanks to an email from a terrific friend) I realized that much of what I was feeling was grief. Grief over the loss of the life I had envisioned for myself and the girls, particularly in terms of homeschooling. The homeschooling will continue for the rest of this year, but there's likely no way for it to go beyond that.

I feel disappointed in losing that, obviously. Being a "homeschooling mom" is a huge identity that I'd built for myself...to the point where I'd ignored other aspects of my being. Now it's time to get in touch with those other parts of myself...and that's a scary prospect, too. I guess there's some grief involved in losing that particular identity as well. Now I'm left with the task of, once again, figuring out where I fit into this world. It's not easy.

I guess what this all boils down to is change...and fear of that change. Fear is powerful, and has done a lot of damage in my life over the years. I've vowed to work toward changing that...so here I am...staring it full-on in the face once again.

I'm grateful for my friends (and you know who you are) who have been giving me pep talks and support and help through all of this. I appreciate it likely more than you know.