My Life

All my life I've always put other people ahead of myself.

Their needs. Their wants. Their opinions. Their thoughts.

Everyone else has always always always been more important than me. I always looked to other people to guide me in life, because I always believed that their vision, even their vision for me, was more important than my own vision for myself.

I did it as a daughter. I did it as a friend. I did it as a girlfriend. I did it as a wife. I did it as a mother.

For the first time, possibly ever in my life, I am putting myself first. Not selfishly, but I am out there pursuing my own happiness....because always putting myself at the bottom of the list results in a life that is horribly out of balance. This means that in finding a new balance, a "new normal", a healthy way of living, the pendulum is likely going to swing a little in the other direction.

I don't *think* that I'm being this horribly selfish person....and yet other people think that I am.

So here is the question -- do I, once again, bow down to the opinions of others, allowing what they think of me to colour how I see myself? Or do I trust in my own judgment to tell me that I am simply doing the best that I can right now, imperfect as it may be?

I'm not perfect. I make mistakes. I don't do everything perfectly.

I used to beat myself up for that....and now that I'm not, it looks like other people are taking my place.

The hard truth is that I can only do the best that I can do in any particular moment...and *I* am the one who has to look myself in the mirror every morning. I can forgive myself for my flaws. I can make mistakes, happily, see them for what they are, and learn from them.

I see myself more clearly than perhaps I have in my whole life...and I have to have faith in that, despite how things make look on the outside to others.

Because this is my life.