Stress Relief and Some Clarity

I haven't been out for a good long run in a while. This afternoon I was inspired to get out there and get my body moving - it's a beautiful day out there....all too soon the weather will be too nasty to get out there when I feel like it. Also, there's the fact that my neck situation has gone south again...yesterday morning I felt it "pop" in the shower, and the whole left side went immediately tense. I popped a muscle relaxer before I went to bed last night, and although it helped me sleep (not that I needed it, exhausted as I am), it didn't do much for the state of my neck.

My suspicions that my neck issues are stress-related were confirmed this afternoon. I was about 2 k into my run when I felt my neck unlock on the left side. Another k and I could feel the muscles positively humming. Now, post-run (10 glorious km), there's still some tension there, but it's 100% better than it was this morning when I woke up. It feels good to be able to recognize what my body needs, and go out there and do it. I think a bit of yoga on top of that this afternoon will help even more.

While out there I had the time to do some thinking over of this situation with H & T that I find myself ass-deep in these days. I can see now that I haven't been giving myself enough space to step back and look at things from a bit of a distance. Today's run gave me that...some distance to see things more clearly - I guess it's that whole not being able to see the forest for the trees...

(Time for some rambling. Bear with me here, people.)

In any case, one of the things I've realized is that this "thing", whatever it is at this point, with T, is a pretty scary prospect for me. He lives relatively close to me, just a few hours away by car, which means that, potentially, a relationship with him is going to be "real", rather than mostly "theoretical", which is what I have with H right now, since he lives on another continent.

Now, while some might see that as a benefit, it's actually one of the downfalls for me at this point.

Wait.................what?

I've been spending the last few months on a journey of self-exploration. I've been discovering things, changing, taking myself to good places. I am far from "done" (although honestly I never see myself as completely "done" - ever). Since meeting T, I've been so caught up in communicating with him that I haven't been spending time with myself to reflect and grow and just enjoy being me. I'm not placing blame here - not anywhere close - I take full responsibility for that. One of the positives of a strictly online relationship with someone (H) who lives in a different country (and a different time zone) is that it allows me plenty of time and the space to keep working on me, while still exploring my feelings for someone else.

I guess I'm just worried about losing myself in another relationship. That's the road that I went down in my marriage, and it's not a place that I can ever allow myself to go again. Ever.

And I know that it's all about me. I know that T wants me to grow and discover and to be myself and that he would support me through all of that, completely. That's just the kind of guy he is. The danger there is entirely with myself...in my own tendencies to fall into traps where I deny my spiritual, emotional, and mental needs. With H there is far less potential for that to happen, at least at this point in time, since he doesn't have any plans to leave Holland, even for a visit to Canada, any time in the immediate future.

There's also a healthy dose of fear there, too....the fear of what I might find hidden under the piles of garbage in my soul as I keep shovelling through it. "Losing myself" in a relationship is a highly tempting option....which might be one of the reasons that I am turning away from H. Being "with" him gives me a whole lot of time and space to reflect and keep working on the scary stuff.

I guess what it boils down it is that I just don't know if I'm ready to get completely involved with someone right now.

It's all very complex and still very muddled. As I wrote last night, none of this is cut and dried. Of course there is a lot more to this than what I've written here...this is just part of what's going on in my mind...the part that I mulled over this afternoon while out on my run.

Right now I'm feeling the need to step back from T, just a little bit, so I can evaluate things a little more, see things a little more clearly. Hopefully he will understand....there's too much at stake here for me to do otherwise.

I can see a lot more running in my future. Fortunately, my neck, and my spirit, will thank me for it.