Further Clarity

Last night was a good night. I did a Pilates video (it's been a loooooooong time since I've done that), I chatted with H for a while, and then curled up for an hour with my favourite serial killer . By 10:00 I was tucked away beneath my blankets....the first time I've gotten to bed at my preferred hour in a quite a while.

It felt good to have an evening just for me like that....I didn't realize how much I'd been missing it.

At 6:30 this morning I woke up and looked at the time. I was shocked - I felt great. That's another thing I haven't done in a while, woken up enthusiastic to greet the day. Before I talked myself out of it, I threw on my running clothes and headed out the door.

There's something about running in the (relatively) early morning that isn't matched by another time of day. I guess it's that whole idea of having the whole day ahead of me...and to begin with a run is to begin it pretty much perfectly. It gives me the opportunity to put my thoughts together, to plan, to just enjoy some time "all for me" before I let the craziness of life set in over the course of the day. It's better than meditation, really.

This morning's run was short, just a quick 5k around the neighbourhood, but it was exactly what I needed today. Although my neck is much improved from just 24 hours ago, it's still not 100% normal yet. At this rate, though, it will be happening soon, though. It feels really good to identify my body's needs and respond to them appropriately. That's something that's fallen by the wayside over last several months....it's time that I started paying more attention to my needs...I'm much better off when I do.

I had the opportunity to do a lot more thinking while I was out there.

I realized that I absolutely CAN NOT "lose myself" in another relationship....not now....not ever. And as I wrote yesterday, that temptation is certainly there for me. At this point I don't know if it's because I'm still in the process of figuring myself out, or if that's a danger that's always going to be there with me in terms of relationships.

That one will take some more time to figure out.

With T, the temptation and the tendency is certainly there. When we "chat", together the two of us are "larger than life", "over the top"...loving life and having fun together....totally playing off one another, absorbing each other's positive energy and each of us creating more of our own. We have a great energy together. T reminds me of all the things that I like about myself, and gives me the opportunity to let those parts out to "play" in the world.

With H, I have a much greater sense of being an individual person. He is more like a mirror to me, showing me the reality of who I am...both the good and the bad. The bad is acknowledged without judgment...it is simply there and a part of who I am. With him, there is less opportunity for me to celebrate those parts of me that I enjoy about myself...simply because the energy between him and I is different. Of course, there's also the issue of the physical distance between us. Of course, ideally, that distance isn't always going to be there...so I could find myself right back in the same "danger zone" that I am with T right now.

The responsibility for not losing myself in a relationship, any relationship, is entirely my own. I can't put that on anyone else....either now, or at any point in the future. The sad part is, I don't know if that's a responsbility that I'm ready for right now.

Again, there is soooooooooo much more to this than just what I've written here. So much more. This is just the direction that today's run took me in. It's good to look at things from all angles.

I kinda got the impression yesterday that T was a little hurt by me asking for some space for an evening. Of course, that's his own "stuff" that he's gotta deal with, and I can't feel responsible for it, since what I asked for certainly wasn't anywhere close to being in the realm of "unreasonable". Still, it was interesting to take note of.

It boils down to the fact that I gotta be me. I have to figure out how I'm going to do that. Because the thing is, no matter who I am in a relationship with, whether it's a friendship, or a "romantic relationship", at the end of the day, the only person I can always count on being there is ME.

I have to start taking more responsibility for myself. Today I keep moving in that direction.