I looked in the mirror this morning and am acutely aware of growing older. I'm in my mid-thirties, an age I once couldn't imagine myself being. It makes me panic a little bit to think of it. I still feel like I'm in mid-twenties...but that age is long gone...somewhere into an abyss. So much of that time was wasted....time that I'm never going to get back.
Lately I'm feeling disappointed in myself that I don't have my life a little more figured out than I currently do. I guess I always assumed that by this age I would finally feel like a "grown-up". The reality of my life is that I feel like I'm just pretending to be a grown up. I don't know what I expected my life to look or feel like -- but this doesn't feel like "it". Hm. I'm not sure how to change that, either.
I'm trying really hard not to wish my life away. It's hard to be "present" in a situation that I know isn't permanent. I very much feel "stuck" right now...mired down in life details that I simply have to wait out. I am anxiously anticipating some forward movement. I don't like feeling stuck. I keep reminding myself that there are good lessons to be learned here - about living in the moment, learning patience, and having gratitude for what I do have.
It's really difficult some days.
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