Me and My Emotions

I've been described as being "intense" in more than one situation by more than one different person. I can't really argue with that description at all. I know that I'm intense. I feel things very intensely. I tried for a long time to squish all that deep down inside of me, but there's no use fighting against it.

Yes, I'm sensitive.

Yes, I can feel very intensely at times - both the good and the bad stuff.

I realized that it's both a blessing and a curse. Yeah, I feel the negative stuff pretty intensely. I have cried my insides out for one reason or another more times than I can count. I am still mourning the loss of a friend who died 15 or so years ago. My anger can flash hot as a bonfire.

But it's also a blessing. I can feel joy from the top of my head to the tip of my toes. I can laugh until my sides ache and tears pour down my cheeks. I can feel love so strongly that my heart expands inside my chest and takes over my whole body.

For the years that I was deeply entrenched in my eating disorder, I was numb much of the time. That's part of what it was about...numbing out the world, numbing out the overwhelming emotions, because I didn't know how to cope with them any other way. Even though I've been recovered from the eating disorder for many years now, I still find myself sometimes feeling completely and utterly overwhelmed with my emotions. Even the positive ones. I still sometimes have to take a big step back and find a way to just "check out" for a little while (and fortunately I've found much more healthy outlets than punishing my body).

Tonight I'm feeling pretty overwhelmed...with the good stuff. Despite trying to take it slow, despite trying to be careful with my heart...here's where I find myself.

It would actually feel pretty damn good if it didn't scare me so badly....