"It's Not You It's Me"

Worst words ever....to hear, or to have to say.

I remember getting my heart broken once, in University, by a guy named James, who essentially said those words to me. Told me he wasn't in a place where he was ready to commit to someone, that he had a lot of things to figure out about himself, and that he couldn't do that while dating me.

Ouch.

Yeah, I took it personally - how could I not? My self-esteem was more than a little bit fragile at point in my life, and I was crushing pretty hard on this guy.

I hated him for all of about 2 days, and then just decided to suck it up and get on with my life. Ended up being friends with him, and seeing that he was a complete tool who didn't deserve my heart anyhow.

Funny how life works.

Yesterday I wrote about how I'm not sure if I'm ready to get involved with someone right now. T took that as "It's not you, it's me"....and I guess to a certain extent it is. I was thinking this morning that I've never put myself ahead of a relationship. I've always based so much of myself on the person that I was involved with that it was hard to know where *I* ended, and *he* began (whoever the "he" happened to be, in any particular circumstance). For the first time in my life, I'm getting to really know myself outside of the context of a relationship. And you know what? I like me. I like me enough to be able to sit back and realize that I don't "need" a relationship to feel complete or satisfied with myself or with my life.

That's a really big deal for me. Huge, in fact.

On Saturday T is coming to spend the day with me. I'm not putting any pressure on myself other than to just wait and see what the day brings. I hope that he's able to do the same.