Negativity

Late this afternoon, a blanket of negativity spread itself over me. I'm not even sure where it came from.

Right now I'm feeling very weighed down with life. Too many details, too many things that are uncertain.

This afternoon I had a dream that I decided to get back together with C. Not because this is what I want - I think it's because part of me is craving the stability and "certainty" that he represents. I know how life with him would turn out, even if it's an outcome that I don't particularly want. There's a certain comfort in being able to see the future.

Right now in this moment, so much of my life seems very up in the air. I have to find a job. We have to work out homeschooling details. I need to find a place of my own to live. I still need to decide what I want to be "when I grow up".

There is another part of my life that is very uncertain in this moment right now, too. I haven't been writing about it here; I just haven't felt ready for it. I think it's time to start.

I've met someone.

I met H back in July, before I'd made my final decision to end my marriage. The two things aren't connected in any way - we very much remained friends until I'd decided that I wasn't going to stay with C. It's hard, it feels awkward. I'm not ready for another relationship so soon, but frankly, I don't want to lose this person from my life. The good news is that our relationship is in a bit of a 'holding pattern', because he lives in Holland.

Yeah, that's right. We've got a strictly online thing happening. It has it's benefits, actually, considering the fact that I'm not ready to be involved with someone. Our geographical and physical distance means that things can only get so serious between the two of us at this point. I have the space to go on living my life, while having fun with and getting to know this new person. It's good for me to be able to continue with my independent life and get to know myself. It's nice being able to get to know someone on a personal and emotional level without the physical "stuff" getting in the way. We've had some great conversations together - silly and serious.

But it sucks in other aspects. On the days when I *really* need a hug (and some days I REALLY REALLY need one) there's no way that I can have it. I have a lot of doubts some days...wondering if this is going to work out between us in the end, or if I'm just setting myself up for heartbreak...mine or his.

I'm trying not to look too far ahead into the future, and just look at the way things are right now. This person brings a lot of happiness and fun and positivity to my life, and I know that I'm able to do the same. And who knows? Maybe it won't work out in the end...but for now it's good, and that's what I have to keep reminding myself of.

So why do I feel so negative tonight?