Rough Night

For the most part, I don't mind sleeping alone.

Of course, "alone" usually does mean having a 3 year old (and sometimes a 5 year old) in my bed before morning...but still, it's not the same.

I woke up at 2:30 this morning, overheated from too many blankets (I was cold when I went to bed) after having had a nightmare. I don't have nightmares all that often, but usually when I do, they are terrifying. And last night was one of them. So terrifying, in fact, that it took me some time to shake off the fear so that I could make it down the hall to the bathroom. For once I didn't even have a child in my bed to cling to for comfort once I returned, either.

I managed to shake it off and get back to sleep, shivering in my too-warm bed, and wishing that I wasn't alone.

The worst part is that before morning, I had another one. Completely terrifying again...but just not enough to wake me up....so I endured the torture in my sleep.

When I finally did wake up, it was wishing that I had someone there for comfort...but again, not even having a flailing child there with me. I wrapped the blankets around me more closely and stared at the wall until I hear Mo get up and start tooling around upstairs. At least this time it was morning.

I still feel a little haunted by those nightmares today. They were the worst kind of nightmares, playing on my deepest fears and terrifying me to the core. That kind of thing can't be shaken off easily.

I'm trying to tell myself that this is a sign that I need to stay focused, and remain my own biggest and best support. I didn't have anyone there to hug me and kiss me in the middle of the night....but I survived, didn't I? I have to rely on others less and on myself more......

Me. I need to rely on me. That's the whole point of this whole self-discovery crap, isn't it????



Ugh.