I was thinking just now about where I was in my life a year ago. I'm not going to go into details about it here - some of the people reading this know all about it, some of you don't. The point isn't really the details about what was happening in my life, but instead, this: I was a mess. The thing is, no one knew it. I was at one of the lowest points in my whole life (which is saying a lot, considering everything that's been happening with me in the last six months or so). A year ago, I was an expert in deceit, a person who was able to make it look to the outside observer, that I was doing okay. Life was good. I had it all together.
Nothing could have been further from the truth. And the fact that I was such an expert at hiding it shows just how bad it was.
It was last winter when I started facing up to my actions, admitting both to myself and those around me, about what bad shape I was really in. It's funny, but since then, I'm sure to many observers, it would look like I'm in worse shape than ever.
The interesting thing is, while I may look like a mess, I'm actually making lots of progress. I'm figuring things out. I am discovering who I am, and what I want (and don't want) in life. Kind of ironic, I guess. The important thing is that I'm not faking it. I AM still a mess in a lot of ways, but I'm no longer going to look you in the eye and lie to you about it....or look in the mirror and lie to myself about it, either.
It's a whole lot scarier way to live, but I have a feeling that it's going to be a whole lot better in the end....
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