Perceptions

It's common knowledge that people with eating disorders suffer from a warped perception of themselves. They see their bodies in a disorted way when they look in the mirror. I certainly suffered from that myself, "back in the day" when I couldn't look at my reflection realistically and see it for what it was.

While I've conquered *that* particular demon and am pretty realistic about what I see physically, I've realized very recently that maybe emotionally I'm still suffering from a distorted perception of myself.

After my post about "Getting It Off My Chest", I got an email from an old friend. In it she reminded me about a time in her life, quite a while ago now, when she was going through something pretty scary. When she came to me with some pretty sensitive information, perhaps some of the most sensitive info of her life up until that point, she felt that I was very supportive and compassionate.

I'd totally forgotten about it.

My pity-party was interrupted at the right time with a good solid dose of reality. Again, this is just another situation of me feeling responsible for other people's choices. I can't hold myself accountable when other people choose to leave me out of the loop, when they make unfounded assumptions about what my behaviour or reaction might be to a certain situation. When I give myself a good, hard look, I know that I am completely able to be subtle, compassionate, supportive and "there" for people when they really need it. Sometimes people aren't able to look past my humourous, "prickly" exterior to see that, and give me a chance. Their loss, I guess.

The past few days, despite the steaming piles of feces that are dotting my immediate environment, I am able to see that I'm getting better. I am living my life. I am present with people, particularly the girls. No being off in my "own little world", like I was a year ago. My spirit feels light. I play more. The girls and I run and skip and hop on big rocks and play together...something that I haven't felt up to in a very very very long time. I have found my silly again! Yesterday at one point Emma was giggling at something I'd said to her, and said with a huge self-satisfied sigh, "You're SO funny, Mommy."

You're right, kid, I am. This is the me that's been lost for such a long long time. I knew it was in me. I'm so happy to finally be getting in touch with it again. And no matter what people's reactions to my choices and decisions and the changes I am making, hearing those girls giggle and really playing with them, makes it all worth while for me.