"Shoulds"

I have a word in my life that I would really like to get rid of -- it's the word "should". It was something that got discussed a lot when I went to group sessions for the eating disorder years ago. It was something that I overcame in a lot of areas of my life, but it was brought to my attention yesterday by my counsellor (yes, I started going to counselling) that it's still there in my life, particularly as it relates to my marriage.

I should be happy. I should stay, even in a situation where I'm not happy. I should put everyone else ahead of me.

"Should" isn't a good word. The only thing it accomplishes is inducing guilt. And you know what? I've had enough damn guilt in my life.

Another topic that got touched on is the whole idea of having expectations when it comes to others. I often have expectations when it comes to other people - their behaviour, their reactions....and when those expectations aren't met, I am disappointed, of course. My biggest problem is I then take that on myself...I blame myself for the fact that those expectations aren't met.

In reality, those are just more "shoulds" - but they are shoulds for other people this time, instead of for me. I expect so-and-so to treat me a certain way. They "should" do this for me.

I'm really in no position to expect certain behaviour from others...people are going to do, or not do, whatever they feel is best, regardless of me. I can't adopt that, and make it my issue. It's tough, I'll admit, but it's part of the process of me just letting go, and accepting others for who they really are. I may not like it, I may hope for things to be a different way, but we are each in control of our own actions and reactions.

I am only responsible for me.

I am making a lot of headway these days. Although it is difficult, and although I know that I have a lot of hard times to come, I am feeling positive about all of it, ultimately.

I will be okay.