The Rumour Mill

It would seem that my "close-knit" community of friends isn't immune from the rumour mill.

What with everything going in my life right now, people have been talking. It would seem that at least some of it (and possibly all of it) has been unfavourable toward me. It's funny. It goes back to expectations, I guess. I expected that my friends knew me better than that.

I'm not going to lie here. The fact that it seems like at least some of them don't know me better, really fucking hurts.

I am grateful to the one friend who had the decency to ask me directly about something he'd heard about me. One friend. Maybe no one else heard this rumour (unlikely). Maybe everyone else just believes what they heard, who knows.

I'm attempting to be open - not just here with my blog but in my life in general. Anyone who knows me well knows that trust and openness are something that I find really difficult. So talking about myself in this way is pretty hard for me. And still people are choosing not to take me up on it. Again -- that's their choice, I guess.

I find it interesting that there have been few people willing and interested enough to sit down and talk with me about why I'm making the choices that I am. I realize that this is difficult to understand for some people. Not knowing any or all of the facts makes it even more difficult to understand.

I also find it interesting that now that I'm opening up and actually being myself, it's making some people squirm. Guess it just goes to show that those fears I've had all these years weren't entirely unfounded.

I guess the rumour mill is what it is. I thought I'd been clear with the fact that my friends are welcome to ask or clarify anything that they want with me directly. That still stands. For those of you that are doing that, I appreciate it and I hope that while you may not still completely understand the reasons behind my choices, you understand enough to see that I'm not a villian. That you can love me even though you may not necessarily agree with me.

For those of you that choose not to be open and talk to me about it, well...I have little time for you. I have no control over your choices and how you conduct yourselves. Listen to the rumours. Do what you will. You're not the people I thought you were, either.