Christmas Eve thoughts

I don't talk a lot about the fact that I have very few happy Christmas memories from my childhood.

The truth is, most of my childhood Christmas memories are actually kind of shitty, if I'm going to be 100% honest about it. I can't remember if I talked about it here before, but my Dad was what I call a "Weekend Alcoholic". The man had a drinking problem that only emerged on weekends and holidays, when he had the luxury of indulging in it. Christmas Day was usually a crap shoot - he could be drinking and jovial, drinking and angry, or hung over and angry. The odds of him being in a bad mood was always greater than him being in a good one. The odds of my parents having some sort of an argument or upset were pretty high.

Add to this the fact that he and my mother were not happy together. My mom's version of things was that Dad was a tyrant and a bully, and as a kid I believed that, but with some adult perspective and a little distance, I can see where Mom had a significant hand in the Christmas misery herself.

I learned how to tiptoe a lot. How to be as invisible as possible, because drawing any sort of attention meant either bearing the brunt of my dad's anger, or being audience to my mother's complaints about him.

I distinctly remember crying on more than one Christmas Day.

When the holidays approach now, I always experience more than a little bit of apprehension. I never wanted my children to experience the same kind of sadness and upset on Christmas Day that I did. And yet, as Christmas Day hurtles toward us this year, I have a feeling that it's going to be a less than stellar day for them.

I cried today, thinking about how those girls of mine deserve better than what I had. I cried thinking about how I wish I could give them what I didn't have, growing up. I cried thinking that there will likely be some sort of conflict arise between C and I tomorrow, as there always seems to when we're forced to spend too much time in one another's company.

It's going to be a long day....and I find myself wishing that it passes quickly. I want it to pass quickly so that I don't have to be haunted with my own memories of an unhappy childhood. If it passes quickly, then maybe there will be less opportunity for us to screw it up for the girls. If it passes quickly, then I will have another whole year before I have to deal with it again.

And yet, I don't want that, either. I would love to be able to love the holidays and enjoy spending time with my loved ones. Maybe that's too tall of an order for this year... Maybe I just need to focus on "getting by". Right now that feels like all I can do.