So the big deal in my life right now is that I decided to end my marriage.
It wasn't because my husband is an awful person, or that we were at each other's throats all the time. We had problems, for sure. Lack of communication in some of the biggest areas was likely the biggest problem. We were good friends, good parenting partners, but there were some problemos in other areas. I won't go into a lot of details, those aren't necessary. The main point is that we're ending our marriage, but it's not a particularly ugly situation.
In fact, we're still living in the same house.
Um...yeah. We're living in the same house because of finances and as a way of easing the transition for the girls. We're trying to be friends as much as we can. We have conflict, of course, but it's not nearly as uncomfortable as might be expected, and, it seems, considerably less uncomfortable for us than it seems to be for other people. Ah well.
So life is pretty nutso right now. I've got to get a job. For the time being I need to get a job that I can work evenings and weekends, while C is home to look after the girls. I'm not particularly tickled at the idea of working at a department store or some other shitty retail job. But I'm at the "I gotta do what I gotta do" point in my life.
On the one hand, it totally sucks. On the other, part of me is actually looking forward to having a life and an identity outside of the one that my family gives me. I've spent the last five years of my life completely immersing myself in that role. I tried to be satisfied with it, I tried to make it everything. I discovered that I'm not satisfied with that, much as I wish I were. I need more. Still not sure what the "more" will end up being, but for now, I'm going to satisfy myself with being not only mommy.
Lots of changes. But hell, as I see it, it's my life. I'm not going to get another shot at this.
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3 comments:
It is really brave of you to write this here! I am really proud of you to be able to talk about this without saying "he's such a f***ing (add word here). I have seen very few civilized separations recently, and I do praise you for this! I'll send you all the good vibes I can!
BTW, I was expecting something more in the lines of a coming out, so you see, it's not so bad ;)
Your candor is refreshing. And I get it. (I'm in the same boat, but with entirely different circumstances if that makes sense!)
I wish you courage. You'll need it. But you are entirely up to the task of living your life the way you need to, don't doubt that.
My first reaction is sadness as there is nothing pretty about broken relationships.
Way back when (about 5 years into our marriage) and long before we had kids, my wife and I split up for a dozen reasons or more. Our marriage was a huge and hopeless mess.
We were clearly tagged for divorce. We were apart for 6 months and both involved with other people when it suddenly turned around.
I'm not proud of it. The story is not something I openly share with many people. I won't and cannot explain it here in the comment to your post - that's just dumb. Honestly, the last thing you need is to hear somebody go off about 'their' life...but if you do have time for a story, let me know and I'll put it into words.
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